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I recently moved back to Florida to be closer to my aging parents after 30 years of living in a different state. My older brother (51) who lived just a few miles away from my parents and helped them from time to time suddenly just passed away from a fatal heart attack. We were all so shocked and unprepared for this next phase of our lives without my brother. I am 49 and the ONLY child of 2 aging parents now.


I decided to buy a small house a few miles away from my parent’s house to be close to them especially now that they have no-one at all involved in their lives. They have lived in the same house and neighborhood for almost 30 years and somehow they have found a way to completely isolate themselves from the world. They have NO friends or family members AT ALL. Just me.
I was not aware of this when I decided to quit my job and dismantle my entire life to move closer to them.
My mother is 78, beginnings of dementia, OCD, agoraphobic and mental illness. My father is 76, bipolar, and has other mental issues but otherwise healthy and handles most everything for my mom and the household.


With my limited savings, I decided to take some time off from work and settle into my new lifestyle, try to make new friends and a new life. I am a single mom and my 16 year old daughter lives with me. (She too started a new life).
Here is my dilemma…..


My father comes over my house almost every day unannounced!!
He never calls to warn us he’s coming over. He just shows up!!
He shows up during all times of the day/night sometimes even 2x a day.
He popped in a dropped off a pizza yesterday, he thinks that a pizza makes his behavior ok.


Sometimes he stops by just to gossip about my mother and her deteriorating health.


He barges in the front door without knocking and expects me to stop what I’m doing to entertain him.


He will walk in my house, make himself a cup of coffee sit on the couch and start talking about my brother and how devastated he is and starts crying and moaning about how much he misses him.


Sometimes he stays for 3 hours


If the front door is locked, he will walk around the back yard and peek in the windows and knock on them until I stop what I’m doing and frantically open the front door.


He walked in on my daughter while she was getting out of the shower the other day and I think we have developed PTSD from all of this.


He is nosey and asks my daughter intrusive questions about how I am able to afford to live without a job and how much my bills are.


He pretends to come over to help fix a leaky faucet or fix a broken tile and carries a tool box but ends up just wanting to talk and ask intruding personal questions or cry about my dead brother or gossip about my deteriorating mother.


I am not accustom to having an open door policy and do not appreciate my father stopping by, dropping in, barging into my house unannounced and so frequently. I feel he is very inapropriate. I have gently asked him over 10 times if he could please stop coming over to my house everyday but he will take a break for 2 days and the same cycle starts over again. I feel guilty because they are alone but I can not fill the void they have and be depended upon to entertain my dad everyday!


This has been going on for 5 months now and I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I am about to sell my house and move back to where I came from and never come back again!


My daughter and I are so depressed with PTSD symptoms and feel like we can’t make a new life because of my dad and his demanding, intruding and obnoxious habits. My mother does not know about this and I doubt she would even fully understand. I know my father needs an outlet but I don't want to be it!!


I don’t know what else to do, he just won’t respect my boundaries.


Is his behavior part of the aging process?

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You mentioned in another thread that you believe your father has a sexual issue. That sounds an alarm bell when it comes to walking into the bathroom where your daughter is getting out of the shower. Even though his issue is with romancing other adult women, I would be very careful and set very clear boundaries if you decide to stay there. His behavior is not part of the normal aging process. Your daughter is at a very vulnerable time in her life. If you model poor boundaries, such as allowing boundary crossing by your father, she will grow up to let males cross her boundaries. This is very serious for both of you.
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AlvaDeer Sep 2019
Wow, I wasn't aware of that. Don't remember it. Have no idea how to look up the threads from the past. Yes, that is NOT GOOD. Time to get out of there.
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This is NOT normal behavior. Not a normal part of aging.

It sounds as though your father has significant mental illness. He needs the help of professionals.

How much thought went into uprooting yourself and your daughter? It sounds like it was a very illadviswd move. Your first obligation is to your minor child. You need to make sure that she has a safe, secure and unambivalently accepting home base from which to launch.

You are being distracted from your primary jobs in life (to work, be productive, secure your own retirement and launch your child) by parents whose jobbit was to secure their future.

They have Social Security, a home and access to social services. Arrange for a visit from the Area Agency on Aging. Tell them that you are here temporarily to set up care. And get back to your life.
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You say that your Dad is bipolar, so it is hard to say whether this is aging process or combination, or just bipolar disease which isn't well treated. I am uncertain how much contact you had with your brother who was dealing with all of this before his death, so am uncertain how much you knew or guessed you might be in for.
After all you wrote, what you said in the end is the only thing that makes any sense to me. You have a daughter who is at a crucial juncture in her life and now you are not working, are in fact perhaps going through savings you are going to need. I am fearful for you both.
My advice is something I don't even know whether is advice or just telling you what I would personally do. Hon, I would run like crazy. That's just me. I have always admitted here I am a bit of a coward, and not up for hands on this kind of care, but I could not do this. My only strong suit is I know my limitations, and I am very limited. I would be out like a shot. I am 77. You have parents both younger than me. In today's day and age they could live well into their 90s. Are you ready to sacrifice your life to this.
Without you they are alone and without anyone. I understand what I am saying. They would eventually be wards of the system.
I will tell you right now that the more inmeshed in this you become, say taking on POA or Guardianship, the more you will not be able to move away. And the more loss for you will literally risk your own sanity trying to give care in this manner.
If you suspect your parents are endangered then it has to be a call for wellness checks after you are gone.
I know how hard it will be--I imagine how difficult that is to say, to leave. But if you stay, this is your life. No. Worse. Your life will get worse. And no, your Dad won't respect your boundaries, and it will get worse.
I am so sorry. Wish you had visited before you made this move.
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anonymous950028 Sep 2019
You are right, I wish i had visited before. Thank you for taking the time.
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Here's the thing, Sunshine. If you have elderly parents who understand that they need help and that you, their child, has their best interests at heart and they are willing to cooperate with your caregiving, all is well. That is the situation that, blessedly, my brothers and I found ourselves in.

And let me tell you, even with cooperation, it was a hard, hard road.

By contrast, I have watched relatives and close friends deal with parents suffering from mental illness, entitlement issues and life-long enmeshment. It's a destructive course. I wonder, parenthetically, if your brother's heart ailments might not have been exacerbated by frustration from caring for your parents.

The confounding factor here is your daughter. She is my primary concern (and should be yours). It is not fair to ask her to give up her life, her privacy, access to her friends and accustomed school in favor of your caregiving for your parents.
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Your first responsibility is to your daughter. Based on what I've read, you father has some very disturbing behaviors, this is not about you entertaining him, he has some mental issues.

I would move away with your daughter, to keep her off his radar.

Your parents are not that old, they can take care of themselves now, you can always come back later, after your daughter is on her own.
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You are in a really difficult position. It’s not bearable now, but if you cut and run, you obviously aren’t going to feel good. If your parents’ house is ‘a few miles away’, you father must be driving to get to you. It sounds as if he is doing his level best to get away from your mother, who is left at home. He has probably been stuck at home with her for a long time, as you say she has agoraphobia as well as other problems.

Could you sell your father on moving into AL? There would be more company, and different things for him to do, as well better care for your mother. You could play up how difficult she will be for him as her health deteriorates, particularly as ‘you unfortunately have to move back home again’. You could take your father to see a few AL places, and get him to see it as positive for him, particularly socially. Your daughter might find it good for morale to know that you are working on a positive plan, and add her own support for the move.

If this worked, you could get well away but still feel that you have achieved something. It might also help you to cope with the extra pressures that are bound to come in the next 10 years, unless you leave and cut contact completely.
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anonymous950028 Sep 2019
Thank you for the nice reply.
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sunshinestate01—-please listen to AlvaDeer and BarbBrooklyn.....so sorry you are dealing with this, but i too, would leave. It is only going to get worse....
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I would move away . ASAP . I honestly don't know where to begin, if you can, talk to there doctor, other healthcare professionals, about all this, a social worker. don't know much about your parents, but if they can still take care of themselves, then obviously, they don't need you as much as they think they do. If they actually NEED help, then that's a different story. Look into different options, a companion, a caregiver to stay at the house with them for a few hours, adult daycare, nursing home, assisted living, 24/7 hr care, living in care, ect. Talk to other family members about what your going through, ask there opinion on all this. But reach out for help NOW. First thing, talk to a social worker . Because it sounds like there behavior isn't going to stop . So first thing, before you move away, find a solution to all this, that way both you and them can have some peace. I hope everything works out for you.
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anonymous950028 Sep 2019
Thank you for the nice reply.
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There is a reason they don't have a single friend. They could have a social life with clubs and meetings and volunteering. Your life could go on like this for 20 years if you don't make a change. I am so sorry about your brother leaving at such a young age, but don't let guilt guide your life decisions.
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anonymous950028 Sep 2019
You are right hannahBN, guilt is the main reason I would stay. Thank you for the helpful reply.
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OMG I am in Florida, an only child, with two aging parents that moved four houses away from me and self-isolated. It's been a nightmare!!!!! They have brought so much drama and ugliness into my life I will never feel the same way about my family or my past. It's all ruined, all of it.
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anonymous950028 Sep 2019
It's ALSO been a nightmare for me!!! My parents have brought so much drama and ugliness into my life and I will never feel the same about my family too!!
My life was somewhat normal and peaceful before, so how can 2 little aging people cause so much unhappiness and pain in ones life?? I haven't even begun discussing my mother's problems!!
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