She is bitter and mean, screams and yells at my dad, she won't listen to either of her daughters and we are trying to get her some help. She refuses to go to counseling and insists that dad go...he is going. She won't tell her primary care doctor anything, although she has been this mad for 9 months now and is getting dangerously thin. She went to a cardiologist for "panic attacks" but it is just her being so angry her heart races, she told the cardiologist "my husband is having an affair"... but she did not mention that it was 42 years ago and has not happened since then! He has been a great husband and amazing father for 42 of the 50 years of marriage. Now in her mid 70's she wants to be this angry?? I don't know what to do to help her or my dad, they are talking divorce.
MIL hated FIL with such a passion, it was scary. She finally did divorce him over 20 years ago, and he passed 14 years ago, but if you talk to her, it is as if it happened yesterday. She has held that hatred and grudge with a mighty passion.
She's not sick, per se. No UTI's, just an unforgiving personality. She accused FIL of cheating on her, and all us kids thought was "Poor guy, he needed someone to be nice to him"...but there was no proof of him cheating....and even if he had---you can work through these things.
I agree--early 70's is NOT old.
Mom needs some counseling and help. Maybe medication to help with the anger.
And honestly, does dad really WANT to stay with someone who screams at him day and night? My FIL was MUCH happier w/o MIL in his life. They should have split up many, many years ago.
Mom's anger could be due to a medical condition, so if you can get her checked out to rule that in or out--maybe they can salvage something.
If not---divorce isn't fun, but it can be survived.
One word of caution...don't take sides. Ever. Refuse to engage in the back and forth blame. My MIL was livid when my FIL died b/c nobody showed her any sympathy, as she was now a widow.....no, she was a divorcee. And a bitter, angry one at that. Anyone who "sided" with FIL was cut off. Now she is 88 yo and alone with her anger and grudges to keep her warm at night. Just very sad.
As I said, I agree that Mom needs medical intervention. Anger can eat you up, and if there are other medical and/or emotional issues, that makes it worse. I’d worry that Mom may become physical with Dad if she harbors so much anger towards him. I’m in enough control to not “lose it” with hubby, but if that started happening, I would absolutely head to my doc ASAP.
I wish the best to your mom, dad and your family. I hope you can find her some peace and solution to her anger. You’ll be in my thoughts.
She did have a UTI about a month ago, all resolved now... but the battles continue.
I've asked my dad to come stay with me for a couple weeks and maybe she will seek some help, she has flat out refused because it is "dad's problem" .
so how do i get my mom to go to the Dr and get some help,get some meds and take them to accept responsibility for her feelings? maybe i can't and maybe the best thing is to pull away until she is ready to accept the help... "the first step is admitting you have a problem" right? she needs to take that first step on her own,i think. I went to visit her about a month ago and i do believe that she is congitive enough to accept this. Maybe having my dad away for a couple of weeks will make her realize that her life is with him and she needs to go seek some help.
I'm NOT in anyway condoning my dad's behavior,but I am accepting him for making the changes 42 years ago and being committed to his marriage and family. I'm my opinion THAT is the best my mom could have asked for given the situation.
Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate you all 'listening and reading'. This getting old stuff really, REALLY SUCKS!!!
I was a stay-at-home mom, no money, no college diploma and no job skills with 2 little kids. I had to stay.
I can quite sincerely tell all of you that the pain never goes away. You never forget and you never forgive. Now Hubby is bedridden and I am his 24/7 caregiver/slave. I do everything from wash his hair, help him defecate to give him pedicures. On a bad day, it wouldn’t take much to set me off screaming at him. But, I internalize. I don’t have a UTI. I probably do have PTSD. Mom probably feels like everyone is telling her to “get over it” in addition to siding with poor dad. She probably feels like it’s not her fault he couldn’t keep his trousers zipped back then.
Sit down, if you can, with Mom and have a calm, understanding discussion. Use what I’ve written here to gain some understanding of what she must feel like. Ask if she might want to speak with her religious leader, doctor, or a therapist.
There’s no expiration date on a broken heart.
Make sure a psychiatrist checks her out too. I think all dementia patients can remember clearly are things from the past.
My mother got in a physical fight with my dad 9 months ago and she does have dementia. Now, she’s sad if dad doesn’t come see her every day at the AL. They are affectionate now.
What does your dad’s therapist say about the situation? Is he being advised to leave?
Is mom a narcissist?
Did she just have a significant event? Death of a parent, friend or sibling?
A major bd? Just retire?
Any major life event? Ask her to be checked for a UTI. They can cause dementia type symptoms. Is her behavior, this acting out happening in the evenings? Read about sundowners.
Did the cardio put her on any medication for her anxiety?
I’m really sorry this is happening to your family.
EDIT: I see that I responded to another of your posts about your mom’s neurological testing. I think I would call the dr who did the testing. Was it her primary? Tell him what is going on. Perhaps a med adjustment would help.
Start reading about dementia. Watch the Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. Tell your dad to watch them. He may need a support group.
I think it is understandable for your mom to be afraid and angry. I want to say that the affair had little to do with mom’s condition today but the truth is we really don’t know how far reaching a pain like that can be. Probably not the same for everyone.
I think she chose not to deal with her feelings about the affair 42 years ago and now,almost PTSD like she is dealing with it. but its gone on for 9 months, about every other day screaming mad at my dad and he is at his breaking point.
She refuses counseling, says its my dad that needs help she is fine.
I can't talk to her she hangs up the phone, i live far away from her. My dad calls me nearly in tears almost daily.