I have tried to explain to my boyfriend that there are other ways to take care of her and still honor his responsibility to her, without moving her into our home. She currently lives alone, 12 hours away, but he could help her sell her huge 2 story house, (that’s paid off by the way), and use that money to buy/rent a smaller place that’s one floor and safer and more functional for someone her age. Or he could find an independent/assisted living facility for her when she gets to the point of needing care. She has no major health issues except for being slightly overweight and stubborn about being safe and not doing things like changing a light bulb from a wobbly chair. He could even manage her finances online if he’s worried about that, I did this for my father for 5 years. And if she wants to be near him he could sell her house and mover her here and do the same things for her here, but there is no reason why the first and only option has to be moving her in with us permanently just because shes told him she wants to “combine” homes. I have extreme anxiety about having people in my home, I don’t like having guests unless it’s my kids, parents or brother, it makes me almost sick having to worry about my guests and I stress over everything while they visit, what should I do about where theyll sleep,, keeping them entertained 24/7, do they time alone, are they comfortable, should I wait till they are here and ask what they want to eat before I plan a meal? The thought of his mother becoming a permanent house guest, a woman I’ve only met twice and never had an actual Conversation with, makes me sick to my stomach and my chest tightens up even thinking about it. I work from home and I would become her 24/7 caretaker by default and I’m afraid it will affect my mental health and our relationship having her here for what could be 5-10+ years,
She’s never asked me if I was ok with her moving into our house and she just assumes that I’m going to be her caretaker when she needs something, I’m not even officially engaged to my BF and I find it extremely presumptuous for her or him to even suggest her moving in at this point anyways. She’s made comments talking to my BF before on the phone whe trying to manipulate him into letting her move in that “oh, if I move in you won’t have to worry about me, your GF can take me to the doctor and help me out, you wouldn’t have to take off work, you won’t have to worry anymore about me if I’m there.” And I’ve heard his response of “yeah that’s true.” When I voice my concerns about it and that I’m not in favor of it he always responds with, I’ll take care of her she won’t be a bother and you’re always home anyways what’s the big deal?” Well, my deal is that, at 50yrs old myself, I don’t want to live with someone else’s mother and become their caregiver for what could be another 5-10 years and I don’t want to be taken advantage of because I work from home and my BF doesn’t. I would never move my mother in with us if I worked outside of the home and my BF worked from home and expect him to take care of my mother for me. He thinks im
being selfish but he really has no idea what he’s getting us both into because when she does start to need help it’s so much more invovlved that he realizes and it’s physically too much for me to even try to help her out of a chair at this point in my life, my shoulder goes in and out of place with the slightest pulling/pushing tasks and I have health issues of my own to deal with. I don’t know how to make
him understand my side of this and how unfair it is for him to expect me to assume his responsibility when I have my own mother who lives 14 hrs away and will eventually need help as well. I already have plans in place for my mother and he would never have to lift a finger to help her.

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Well, after a long discussion with BF about my refusal to live with his mother, here or in her house if he were to suggest it, he finally stated “well what am I supposed to tell her then next time she mentions moving in with us?”  

I said first, tell her you jumped the gun and never discussed any of it with me and you don’t think it’s the best solution to her situation.  That it’s not safe for her here and it’s not fair to put all the responsibility of her living here onto me.  That he will look into finding something more affordable and safer for her needs, either there or here, after they look into what her finances will allow. 

 I told him if she presses the issue he should tell her that I had told him from the beginning of our relationship that I would never move my mother in with us and I expected the same from him because I had “been there done that” temporarily and already knew I could never go through it again.  That he didn’t think about all that is involved, and should she need more assistance in the future, which she will, I was unable to supply that for her and I had my own responsibilities with my own mother and children so it wouldn’t be fair to add his obligations to my mine.  

I hope he can stick to this and atleast tell her the initial, “no mom this isn’t going to work for everyone involved” phrase.  But I have told him that if he can’t, that I’d have to tell her myself and that would not go well for anyone involved because I will be honest about the turmoil this has caused and that her living  here would end our relationship.  I think he heard it this time and is atleast going to find a way to try to convince her it’s not what’s best.  I honestly don’t care if he tells her I flat out refuse to live with her because I don’t want to end up taking care of her when her health deteriorates.   I’m more worried that she will live another 10 years intruding on our way of life and privacy than anything else.   I know she will Insert herself in every conversation, hear every conversation we have without her present because she will sit right outside our bedroom door in the den and I’ll never have a moments peace or second to myself.  

I did tell him that it was his decision to respect my right to say no, that I don’t want to live with his mom and that I would leave if he insisted she live here. I said I wouldn’t sacrifice my mental well being to improve his mothers.  She can live elsewhere and still see him more if she’s lonely, but if he moves her in with us I’m the one who suffers and then our relationship suffers.  She will have to make the compromises because it’s her fault she’s in this mess.  I’m not going to compromise myself to appease someone I don’t know, who doesn’t care if I’m happy or not.  Not for his mom or him.

I’m not making an ultimatum, I’m saying that if my wishes aren’t respected then I have to protect myself and remove myself from the situation.  Hope this doesn’t come up again and he looks into what needs to be done for his mom asap.  He knows where I stand and it’s up to him what happens from here.
Helpful Answer (13)
Beatty Oct 2022
Bravo again!

BF asked a question! His thinking has shifted (maybe only a fraction so far) but HAS shifted. From 'This is happening' to 'What am I supposed to tell her?"

You gave him the words, the reasons, the logic, the feelings. Let him take it now & use his own language.

If he gets stuck - he can keep it short. "No Mom that won't work".

One small step for man..
A step out of his FOG.
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Run away! Run away now!
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Oh my pet hate.. the word *selfish* thrown as a weapon.

".. calling me selfish.."

I know it was said in the heat on the moment, but when things are cooler, see if this makes sense;

When we say NO to someone, they have a choice. To respect & accept that no. Or not.

If they do not, they will continue to push, conjole or twist us into doing as they say. This is manipulation.

To yell, use hurtful words, rage & more - all tools of manipulation. Designed to control the other. To get someone to do as THEY want.

THIS is the selfish behaviour.

As I said before, YOU have the right to say no.
He has NO right to say yes for you. He does not own you.

He wants you to say yes so HE can look like the HERO to his Mother. That is HIS selfish need. He needs to own it.

(Well.. all in my opinion anyway. But I have been called selfish myself for not providing the work for others to claim hero)
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
Amen to all of that! Exactly my situation to a “T”
Just a little update… Boyfriend decided to call his mother tonight, since my last post he has gotten a job offer several hours away from here and we plan to move there within the next couple of months. He thought this was a good time to figure out what was going on with his mothers finances. He decided he wanted me to hear the entire conversation so he didn’t have to remember it word for word so he turned up the volume to where I could hear both sides.
Turns out, no surprise, his mother should have more than enough money every month. Boyfriend asked how much her Social Security checks were each month and she matter-of-factly said “oh only $3500.” Boyfriend turned to look at me, his face went gray, and his immediate response was “mom!, what the heck are you spending that much money on that you need $1000 more from me every month?” She didn’t say anything that made any sense, so he asked her if she sold her house how much profit would she make? She said, “oh, should be about 150,000,” like that was nothing big. Boyfriend again, mouth open, stammering to respond, said “mom!, we have got to have a serious conversation about your finances when we have more time and we can get all of your information together and get a better look at it. 
Once boyfriend was off the phone he looked at me and said “35 freaking hundred dollars a month and she’s asking me for money, what the hell?!” It took all I had not to bust out laughing or say I told you so, but I did say, “just as a reference, my mom lives on $1500 a month.” I said her SS is $2500 but she puts $1000 of that in her savings and she almost never uses the full $1500 a month. She has all the same bills your mother does, she doesn’t have a house payment like your mother, and she doesn’t have a car payment, that’s why I was so confused why your mother would need money every month and so much. I know from what he’s told me that his mom worked for 35 to 40 years full-time at a well paying job and she should have much more Social Security than my mom would’ve had, only working 10 years full-time and maybe 5 to 8 part-time.
I said now that you know she is not destitute or in any need of physical or financial assistance other than managing her money, you might want to let her know that if she wants to move to where we’re going next, that we are no longer going to have an extra bedroom and we won’t be getting one in the future because we are going to be saving for our own retirement now.  I added, Maybe if she knows that there is no chance she will ever live with us, she may change her tune and not even want to move to the same town. 
His response took me off guard when he said “oh I don’t wanna live with her either, and if she does move to town, i’ll just have to stop bye and check on her after work and maybe have her over for dinner every other week and make more of an effort to keep her company so she’s not too lonely. No mention of me in anyway doing anything for her!  He said, “damn, she’s got money to have a 24/7 companion from what it sounds like.”  I could tell he was really put off that she had been guilt tripping him, asking him for money when he was out of work and stressing him out for nothing. He even offered to rehome his cats because he knows how disgusting they are and how hard it is to keep the house clean with all of their hair and puke and litter mess and I had told him it would be impossible to try to sell the house in the future with them here and we won’t have room for three cats when we move.
Guess his mom will have to pull her big girl panties up and “deal with it!” You can’t always get what you want, especially when it comes at someone else’s expense. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see my BF all fired up cause he realizes he’s been dooped and stressed out for no reason, fighting with me over a non existent problem his mom fabricated to manipulate us both. I bit my lip so hard trying to refrain from saying I told you so, I can still feel my teeth marks.
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We all have found on this forum that peoples first thought when a parent needs help is...they can come live with us or we can go live with them. Not taking into consideration that you have not lived with your parents for years. They are now set in their ways and want it all their way. We are now adults with different outlooks and experiences. It really is not child and parent anymore. Its now 2 adults with their own way of doing things and usually the older will not compromise. No one says...lets see what options can be made to keep from having to live together.

In this instance, Mom is completely independent. Her house is now too big for her. Sell it and go into an apartment. Believe me, if she got another house, dear son would be expected to mow her lawn and do the upkeep. With an apartment there is a maintenance man. All she will have in bills is electric, phone, cable and WiFi.

Parents who need help need to do what they need to to get it. If it means selling their home to pay for an AL, so be it. If they want to stay in their home, then they need to be able to pay for aides. In this day and age, no one should be looking at their kids to be the ones to care for them. There are options out there and the parent should be using them before asking a child to give up their lives to be Caregivers.
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Fawnby Oct 2022
Unfortunately, so many who get roped into caregiving think it’s about respecting their parents. Time for parents and children to reset the expectations.
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Offer a compromise. BF can go live with mother at her home. See how that goes. Personally I would rather live alone than live with anyone other than my husband. I already told my husband I would never live with any of our parents. He was surprised and I was surprised that he thought that it would be a possibility. I actually like his mom the best of all our parents but I still won’t live with her. I work from home too and we have a small house. No way it would work with someone else here all day! Dig in your heels now cause once she is in it will be very hard to change.
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I want to thank everyone for being constructive in their comments. I am alone in this mess since moving away from my hometown after my divorce 4 years ago and I haven’t wanted to share any of this with my friends and family because quite frankly I am embarrassed that I have
1. Put up with Narcissistic tendencies knowing full well I don’t deserve this kind of disrespect and
2. I know his background from childhood and I know why he reacts immediately with so much drama and takes things as attacks on his ego, intelligence, manhood, competence, etc. when all I’m wanting to do is have a constructive conversation and compromise to make everyone satisfied and not feel slighted.
3. He has become more self aware of his issues recently and takes accountability for when he loses his filter and what effects it has caused and he apologizes and has mad some progress.

But it helps to have unbiased opinions about this and be able to tell my side of the equation and explain my feelings and be heard because that is very hard to do with him and I haven’t wanted to let my loved ones know I’m going through this so this has been therapeutic and educationally reconfirming to me. Hopefully this will work out for the best, one way or the other for both of us. I do care about his mom but I won’t sacrifice my emotional or physical health and surely my relationship, just so she can be comfortable in my home when I’m not afforded that pleasure myself.
Helpful Answer (7)

“you’re going to have to learn to deal with it, if she needs to live with us it’s happening.” This was said in the heat of the moment.."

Oh come on!

This may make you laugh (or weep..) A poster's DH had that kind of Momma's Good Boy, who did not yet know how to say NO to his Mother.

Suffered that grandeous delusion of Me-Hero-Man will always help Mother! Help how? By moving his Mother in & ordering his wife to be Mom's new 24/7 help.

He of course would continue to work outside the home, return to a clean & tidy home, hot meal on the table & well behaved children. He even pulled the big rant *take care of MIL-or-I-will-divorce-you*.

I always wonder how that worked out for him?

So - any divorced women out there enslaved as their ex-MIL's 24/7 caregivers???

I think NOT 😂😂😂
Helpful Answer (6)
BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Oh, h*ll no. No way. I've reconciled with my ex-husband and when we move back in together we have both agreed to something. That something is that we will go to the lawyer and have a legally-binding contract drawn up stating that both of us agree that neither of us will ever move a family member into our house for the purpose of caregiving. Also, that neither or us will relocate to anywhere for said purpose. If one of us violates this that person forfeits their half of the property to the other. It was my idea because this is how serious we are about no elderly relatives or any relative's troubled kids coming to live with us.
How to explain to MIL?

"Mrs. G, I think that there has been a misunderstanding amongst us all. Bobby tells me that he's offered for you to come and live with us at some time in the future. That can't happen. I'm not comfortable having someone living in my house."

Just that. If she argues that it's his house too, you tell her that yes, but you aren't comfortable with the proposed arrangement and it would be a deal breaker if someone else moved in.

AND yes, role play this with your best friend.
Helpful Answer (6)
BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Here's what I'd tell her if the 'It's his house too' crap started up.
"Sure, it's his house too but is isn't yours".
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Sounds like he puts the "boy" in boyfriend.

Get yourself a man.
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