My boyfriend (29) and me (30) have been dating for 2 years. We want to get married and start a family, as a matter of fact, if it was up to him we would start now but is completely ok with waiting a few more years when it makes more sense for us. Our financial situation is complicated. His finances are ok - stable job making around $70-$75K. I make $80-$85K annually, however, also have $90K student loan debt and support my 67 year old mother.
My mother has arthritis and asthma, and speaks very little english so even though she's tried, it is complicated for her to get a job and assist financially. She also has had colon cancer and gets annual check ups and is currently dealing with other medical issues that thankfully medicaid covers, but is not eligible for disability or social security since she has only worked in the US for 8 years and needs 10. My mom lives with me in an apartment we rent and I pay for. My boyfriend also lives in an apartment he rents about 25mins away. We both live somewhat comfortably but pay check to pay check, but cant save by moving in together because he is not ready to live with my mother at this point in time.
I was clear from our second date that I fully support my mother and that I would for the rest of my/her life, but I cannot support 2 households or even 1.5.
Now its really taking a toll on our relationship in respect to our future. He said he is willing and aware that he will have to live with my mom when we get married but when we do he wants it to be in a house where she can have her "mother in law suite" like an annex to our home - except that wont happen any time soon as we are unable to save any money living separately now.
I just dont know what to do, our future timewise is very unclear and I also know I am putting a burden on him and will for the rest of our lives and feel he will be unhappy living with my mom whenever he is ready. I love him and he is great, but we are not on the same page and cant seem to get on the same page about my mother. I am beginning to consider if he just deserves a good chance at a life without this burden and just part ways .
You've perhaps bought a home, and mom lives there with you. She has her own room but wanders about the house at all hours in her nightgown, so you feel uncomfortable having friends over. Friends? You have a few, mostly other unmarried women. Some are from work. Your work is what you discuss with them. You don't really have anything else interesting to talk about because you have no kids, never been married, couldn't travel because you had to stay home for mom. She's 82. You think she has dementia, but she won't go to a doctor.
You come straight home from work every night, too tired to cook. Mom can't and you don't want her to after she left that pan on the burner a year ago. She complains about the take-out you provide. She complains about everything. You'd like to go out more often, maybe meet a nice guy who will accept mom. But you're so tired. And you don't look like you did when you were 30. Your waist has thickened. Those pretty high heels hurt your feet. You have gray hairs that you try to hide with a touch-up stick. You're in menopause, you have hot flashes all day and all night. You are sad that you'll never have children now.
Sometimes you think about the guy you wanted to marry. He married someone else, and they have three kids, a house and a dog. You wonder if he ever thinks of you. You wonder what your kids with him would have looked like.
One day you look around and realize that this is it for you. It's never going to get better, and you have nothing after all this time. Nothing wonderful, that is (your home is nice and you like it, but it's just four walls.) Oh, wait - you were wrong. You have mom. Always and endlessly, mom. Waiting for you every night. She'll die soon, though. And then what will you do?
If I may ask, what job did she work at for eight years prior to now? Why can't she go back to that kind of work?
She isn't going to go back to any kind of work and my guess is she never actually supported herself here in the U.S. So really SSI, welfare, or you supporting her for life is going to be her only possible options. What happens if (God forbid) something happens to you? Who supports her then? Look into SSI or send her back to her native country where hopefully she has family she can live with.
As for your boyfriend. Well, I'm sure you're a decent person and he is too, but I'll tell you the truth straight. If I was him, I'd drop you like a bad habit. You know that saying, 'three's a crowd'? It is.
Would you want to make a life with someone knowing beforehand that you will never come first in their life? That their mother will always come before you or even any children the pair of you may have together?
My guess is no. You would not want a life like that. Why would expect anyone else to want that kind of life?
You have to make a choice here. Either you live your life or you spend your life living your mother's.
Believe me, it's not worth it. What will end up happening is you will grow to resent and even hate your mother for dependency on you.
Don't do that to yourself and don't do it to your mother.
How and why did you end up at age 30 so adamant about "supporting your Mother for the rest of your life?"
If you cannot make a husband #1 priority, you shouldn't get married or have any kids. If you cannot separate from your Mother (or basically refuse to), don't expect any man to make a real commitment. Most men would never agree to this arrangement.
If you cannot commit to putting a husband/partner first, you should never ever be in a serious relationship.
You are young. I hope you seriously think about what you want from your life before it is too late. I really cannot imagine having a mother who actually thinks it is okay to be a burden on her child like this.
She must let him go so he can have a nice life with someone else who is willing to put him first, as it should be.
As for her health, I’m not sure what her prognosis is, but she’s only 67. She could live 20 more years and need more and more attention from you when your husband and child should be your first priority.
Until you’re able to give husband a guarantee that he is #1 in your life, not your mother, I don’t think you are ready for marriage. Couples counseling might help, but be aware that it could guide you to make decisions that mom won’t like. Could you handle that?
Couples counseling isn't going to help them. People who aren't even married and living together don't need to go to couples counseling. They need to part friends and walk away.
The problem here is the mother. Not their relationship. The mother needs to go. I don't blame the boyfriend for not being willing to happily take second place to his future MIL in his wife's life and to also have to assume responsibility for his MIL like she's his child.
Oh, hell no.
I lived in the same house with my in-laws when I was married to my first husband. We had our own apartment. Even though I loved my MIL and FIL very much and still do, it often felt very crowded in that house.
I can't imagine what life would have been like actually living in the same house or apartment or single-family house with my in-laws.
Couples counseling doesn't fix the housing problem.
Sorry to be blunt but it’s the truth.
Do yourself AND your mother a favor by encouraging her to be independent rather than supporting her helplessness and stifling both of you.
I agree with you but I disagree with sending sick kids to school. I remember being so sick when I was a kid and forced to go to school. That's not right.
The mother is not going to get a job. She doesn't really speak English and is 67 years old. Even if she was in excellent health she'd be unemployable in the legal the American workforce. Maybe she can get something in cash under-the-table and probably did at some point or another.
The only way a person like this is going to get by in this country is if family provides for her or the American taxpayer does.
We're jam packed with tens of thousands of freeloaders literally walking in here every day. So here's one more. I'm sure she will get on some kind of SSI or welfare or some social program she can live off of.
Love isn't the problem--it's priorities. He cares more for her comfort and well being than he does for mine. (He believes I am better able to handle the stresses of life than she is--which is true, but it would have been nice to have him in my court when she bad mouthed me and tried to interfere in our personal lives.)
It has only been the last few MONTHS that DH has understood and truly appreciated what a bad dynamic she and I have. In 49 years of being together.
She's never lived with us, I won THAT argument hands down. But she still is a daily part of our lives. Now 93, demented and Narcissistic--we are impatiently waiting for God to take her home.
NO ONE has ever treated me so badly as did/does his mother. I love my DH and at this point, certainly not going to split from him. But I look back and all the people who warned me against marrying him--well, they were right.
And we don't financially support her. Nor live with her. If I were your LO, I'd run for the hills. You have the possibility of 30 more years of this. And it does NOT get better.
Have you ever considered couples therapy? Will take up some of your time & maybe some money too but your future is a worthy investment, right?
There will be options between the extremes ends of not supporting Mom & Mom living in.
Avenues to help retirement aged single women with housing you don't know about yet. Eg I have had relatives given subsidied rent through social schemes & also faith based organisations. Do you have a council Aged Needs Service or Social Worker Service?
Helping your Mom get settled in your area is different to taking on all her adult resposibilities. Her best chance to thrive is connected into her community, with friends her own age, have people she can speak the same language with. Depending only on you could lead to lonliness for her & resentment for you.
This would require a push from OP. Mom's not going to help if she gets to ride for free.
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