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My mother was living with us for 3 months and it was awful. during her stay, my husband said his mother was also in need of care and she was moving in. I looked at him and said do you want to kill me. Is that the plan? He says to me I’ll take care of her, I said you are never home. How is that going to happen?
my mil was upset with that and took me off her will. Okay, I was upset by that, but it would have been far worse having her live with me.

your boyfriend has no idea what it’s like caring to a elderly person. You need to be happy too.
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I hate to tell you but you need to CANCEL the closing on this house and get away while you can. You are walking into a MESS. You are not married to this man, yet, as you say. There are so many problems here, why would you willingly enter into this? If you do this and he does move his mother in (and it sounds like that’s exactly what would happen) what’s your recourse? You have none. He doesn’t even consider your wishes? Why would you do this??? You say he’s lazy and have traits like his mother? Again, why would you walk into this trap?
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You only get one mother. As a son who lost his mother at age 63 to cancer , any woman that wouldn't let my mother in my house for whatever reason, is not a woman for me. Nursing homes are horrible, good ones are very expensive. People mistreat the elderly and the sick all the time. Sounds like he loves his mother dearly amd it means alot to him, so if you love him you have to carry the burden with him. Although he cannot make you do everything because that is his mother. He would figure out a game plan on the type of care she needs. Some Medicare programs in certain states offer assistance with a care taker. And if your out of work and your up to it, you can be her caretaker and get paid to do it. Depending on her issues of course due to your back issues. So if she'll be in the basement that means you can still have your own life. When it gets to the point where she needs 24 hour assistance then you can put her in a nursing facility that is a good one- do your research first! But tell your bf that your feeling overwhelmed and I'm sure you can work it out.
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Riverdale Feb 2022
Sorry you lost your mother at such an early age. I knew someone who passed away last year at 61. She was in incredible shape, taught challenging exercise classes until she was diagnosed with a rare form of very aggressive ovarian cancer and was gone in 5 months despite seeking the most advanced treatment available from 2 very respected cancer centers in the country. She did not live to see either of her two children marry or have grandchildren which she so wanted. Fate can be cruel and unforgiving.

Your position in this situation is the polar opposite of most. The OP has clearly stated she can not physically care for her BF's mother no matter what level of the house she is on. There is no warmth between the two. The mother requires care. How do you know the son will figure it all out when more care is needed? He has shown alot of behavior that is far from ideal in many ways including their relationship meaning that of the OP and himself. It seems far from ideal now. How is moving his mother in going to help any of that. The mother chose to take a reverse mortgage and then spent the money unwisely. SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING HER CARETAKER. Why do you state that as a possibility?

She has been fortunate to receive the advice of so many. I am not including myself. The overwhelming opinions have been for her to not move forward financially, emotionally and realistically with the purchase of this house with all the circumstances involved.
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Don't do it. Any of it. You already doubt that BF will follow through with mortgage payments, and then moving his mother in when basically it is your house. It may be hard to break up, but it could be harder to later to get out of a big emotional and costly mess.
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Great boyfriend you have. Getting tangled up with him financially and everyone living together (even without the mother) looks like a bad and unpleasant life at best. It’s likely to be a nightmare. To be blunt, it sounds like you are desperate to be with a partner so you settled for him.
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Sarah3 Feb 2022
I agree that the purchase of the house with some of the factors involved could be messy abd she needs to go over all the details of it or cancel, but an assumption that the reason she’s with him is bc she’s desperate is hurtful and probably isn’t the case as people usually get into relationships for multiple reasons.
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Thing hard about what lies ahead. Is your boyfriend a "moma's boy?" It sounds like you both purchased the house. You have not given yourself many alternatives. Get connected with a local social worker to explain the situation. Perhaps they can connect you with a pro bono attorney who can help you with your legal situation with the house and also advise you on what care is available for your boyfriend's Mom through Medicare/Medicaid.
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Sounds like you've already answered your own question. Your boyfriend's mom moving in is a hard NO. Period. There's your answer.

Also, let me say this - don't move in with someone you're not married to!! It's not a good thing for you, your kids, him, or his kids. My objective opinion is that you have a whole host of problems and aggravations with him & the entire situation and you haven't even moved in together yet. If you are not on the same page now (financially, parenting style, major decisions about his mother) it's only going to get worse down the road.

Save yourself the grief, keep your money and put it on a house for just for your kids. Or continue to rent He can visit whenever the wants!

Also, what is his financial situation? Why is he not splitting the down payment with you? Agreeing to pay the mortgage payments and actually doing so are two different things. If you do end up moving in with this guy I certainly would not put the house in both of your names. Not without being married.

No judgment here, just looking out for you as I see this as a train wreck in the making.
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Run. Turn and run while you can. It’s obvious that you have looked ahead and considered your possible future and see that it won’t be a good future under these conditions. Turn and run. If the hair is standing up on the back of your neck, there’s a good reason!
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I think you should make it clear that you are not happy with the situation and if he won’t budge I’m afraid it’s time to split I’m 60 and wouldn’t want to care for the elderly I have a mother at 82 and just couldn’t have her living with me so can’t imagine a young person wanting to do this believe me it will ruin your relationship
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Dear OP, your last post shows that you have worked out how to deal with this. Well done, and I (plus anyone else who cares), hope that it continues to go well.

Just ignore anyone who is judging your relationship, which you are obviously capable of dealing with yourself. The family arrangements with BF are unusual, but you both are using your own knowledge, your own principles, and appropriate professional assistance, to sort it out and keep it safe. Stick to it! Yours, Margaret
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You make a good case for not going through with the house purchase.

Please get your boyfriend to see a counsellor with you about his mom and her health issues. If you can't support his decision to allow his mom to move in with you, you will probably have problems supporting his other decisions in your - hopefully soon - marriage.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Peggy…
the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms are both downstairs, my son doesn’t have the bottom floor all to himself and he would be sharing the bathroom with her as well. And my BF is MORE than welcome to have all 3 of his kids live here and that is what we AGREED to before moving in together and before buying this house. He doesn’t support me or my son financially and if people would read everything that has been posted before going off on me then you would know this makes no sense. My issue is that I can’t and won’t take care of his 84 yo mother because I PHYSICALLY CANT and it’s not my responsibility to just because he wanted to move her in our house without consulting me and expect me to take care of her when she’s too much for me to handle and not my responsibility. I take care of my kid, I take care of myself, I pay for myself and my kid. I paid for the down payment and he was only going to make the mortgage payments for the new house for the next 2 years to bring us even with our monetary contribution to the house. He doesn’t own me or my time simply because I’m his GF and live in the same house. The point is that caring for a adult that’s going to be immobile soon is not easy or anywhere near the same as living with and caring for children that are all in high school. His moms care is not responsibility and if he wants to physically and financially take care of her, he can, howeve, he makes that happen, whether with money or by staying home and taking care of her himself. But it’s not my job simply because I’m a women and I’m home partime. I have my own back issues and I can’t physically help her out of a chair, much less anything else. My child doesn’t need that kind of physical care and neither do his children (who could all live here and camp out in the basement for all I care.) But his mother is a different story. She does have money to stay elsewhere, if he’d make or convince her that she had to use it basically because he won’t pay for her stuff when she has the funds to do so. . She could stay in a facility that would care for her safely and she doesn’t need to just be tossed onto my plate as a new job. He WAS very naively, just assuming that I could take care of all her needs, not realizing or thinking through what they were and how long she’d need to be cared for. But he has never even been around elderly people before and has no idea what it takes. He realizes NOW that it’s too much for me, not my responsibility and not just an easy way to solve his moms problems with money. when all he needs to do is just plan for her care somewhere else. What I hear you saying is that if I worked full time and he didn’t, but he had an injury and was home all day because he couldn’t work, (but he paid for all his bills and I wasn’t supporting him in any way) , that I too should be able to say, hey, my mom can’t take care of herself and she spent all her saving and won’t use the money she has to support herself, so now you have to take care of MY MOM 24-7 cause I’m moving her into the room downstairs that she can’t walk up from by herself….you have to help her with bathing, toileting, walking and she’s twice your size, OH and I don’t care what you think, you live here so just do it?
Not in any world is that ok. He is not my servant and I am not his. He has his responsibilities and I have mine and no one can dictate what you do 24/7z
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So, notaslavetomil, how about solving your housing issues this way;

Your son gives up the privilege of having the whole downstairs by himself. From now on he's in that third bedroom upstairs and she's down there. Make it clear he has to pay for aides to lift her, toilet her and entertain her. You will not have anything to do with her whatsoever.

Meanwhile, you can expect the same attitude for your own offspring. The 15-year-old is to be informed that on his 18th birthday or high school graduation, whichever comes last, he is to vacate the room so that you can have it for either Yhim or this daughter when she has palpitations.

If this sounds ludicrous, it is on both sides. You made it clear you don't care for MIL even beyond having to do the caregiving; you don't want to have a "family" relationship with his dependent. Yet you have injected at least one and want to make room for up to two and he's supposed to be fine with it.

.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
Exactly, how is this remotely fair to the boyfriend? It should be no family outside of the young child are allowed to stay or they both accommodate their dependents. Way she frames the older child, it is unlikely it would be a temporary placement. In theory what if her younger child never wants to live home, does she expect the BF to support both her children?
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I just caught the part about the 15 YO.. everytime I read something on this thread I get more confused!
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
With nearly 100 comments on this thread, I think Notaslave has given us a run for our money and a good deal of merriment. I however now cannot catch up on her responses because they are buried in four pages of rather questionable materials. I appreciate that we have another drop in what I call the water torture of it all. I am hoping for a whole new thread. In fact, boring as Sister Wives has become I am hoping for a whole new Reality Show! Because Inquiring Minds wants to know. Whose name will be on the deed? Who will pay the mortgage? Whose family will move in next? And where did the 35,000 end up?
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You have two problems:

1) A relationship problem with a man who is dictating the future of YOUR life.
2) A financial problem when and if this all goes pear-shaped, you lose the money you have saved so far, and end up with a large debt on a foreclosed mortgage.

1) Go together for relationship counseling. Talking to a neutral third party should at least make you more aware of how deep the BF’s ‘decisions’ go.
2) See a lawyer about the property financial arrangements. The comments here about the risks are probably correct, but you will get a clearer picture (and take more notice) with legal advice.

Move ASAP on this. Postpone closing on the house. You are not forced to go ahead, and the damages from backing out may be far less than the financial risks you run if you get further into this. It’s very hard emotionally to change your mind, but it really is important here.

Best wishes, Margaret
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Margaret…We are seeing a real estate lawyer and doing the quit claim and working on our wills to make sure everything is covered, all at the same time.

to anyone else who is keeping op with this thread…..
I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long but for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended.
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Oh my goodness! DO NOT let her move in. She will cause nothing but division, resentment, bitterness and total fatigue. You both will become different people and age before your time. If I had the chance to make the decision to have my mother move in with me again I would say “no way!” I never imagined caregiving would be like this. I have been doing this now for almost 3 years and it doesn’t get easier. I want my life back. I absolutely hate it!!!!
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PLEASE sit down with a clear head and reread what you posted. If your girl friend came to you for advice and told you the exact same story, what would you say to her?
When you marry him, how will things change? Are you counting on him to change? And why would you marry him? What's in it for you? For him? When you marry someone, you (willingly or not) marry his family.
You really need to make a PLUS and MINUS sheet. List the good things about this relationship on one side, and the negative things on the other side. Then weigh the two sides and make a more informed decision.
It sounds to me like you are in love with being in love. This too shall pass. You don't need him nearly as much as he needs you!
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Not, I trust he knows that if he withdraws money from a 401k, he must pay penalties and income taxes on it. It may bump him into another tax bracket.

Borrowing against the 401k might be a better idea as it does not create a taxable event.

Good luck.
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I hope you are this vigilant with your adult child.
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Geaton777
I agree 💯 and I’m going to put her on lists for facilities myself, here and there, so if he doesn’t get around to it I’ll be covered. In the small town where she lives, you can be on lists for over a year and still no openings will show up, I’m not playing around with this one so I’m starting now. They wont have that as an excuse
come time for her to need one. I put my dad on a couple of lists there and I never got a call about a vacancy until after he had already passed away a year later. I’m more proactive about getting her into a facility obviously, since I dont want her to ever have to live here and have to care for her. So if they get mad I did their job for them I don’t really care because if they don’t do
it, then they lied about handling it themselves like he said he would. Either way she won’t be living here unless it to wait a couple months for her spot to open up here. I had to make a compromise and that was it. Fingers crossed!
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
If I had a penny for each time on forum we have heard "She's only moving in for a few months" I could retire. Wait! I AM retired!
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I'm copying what the OP recently responded with an update so that everyone can find it (because it's buried way deep in this post). It's from about an hour ago:

"Actually he did apologize when he got home tonight. For not being honest about the fact that he did expect me to take “physical care” of his mother! He said he was offended that I didn’t offer to be her caregiver since I had done it for my dad years ago and he just assumed I’d offer because it’s his mom. I told him that with my back injury I had no way to do that and I assumed he knew that and was still telling me that he thought I had to do it anyway because he was going to move her in without asking. He also apologized for not asking me first and for going back on our agreement that I had paid for that extra room and it wasn’t his to give away without consulting me, end of story. He agreed his mom needs to take care of her own financial mistakes for now and sell her house or he won’t help her with her financial mess in the future. He said he realizes he was enabling her to keep misusing her budget by bailing her out and offering to take care of it for her without holding her accountable and letting her get herself out of this mess by selling her house, which she has refused to do out of pride he says. Apparently she feels it’s giving up to sell but she can’t keep it and still live on his dime. He is going to take out his 401k to match my down payment and add it to closing so we are exactly even Steven going forward and we each pay our own respective bills as we planned and half the mortgage each. We both agreed that If his mother needs to move in when she becomes disabled enough to need care it will only be temporary until she finds a faculty to help her and she will pay for her care out of her own pocket from
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!"
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I think if you were to reread what you posted you'd answer your own questions. BIG RED FLAGS! and you aren't even married. Don't give in. Boys grow up, become men and transfer their affection to their mates. No, it doesn't mean they stop loving their mothers but your boyfriend should be placing your needs above his mother's at this point. This would be a bad precedent setting scenario for a partnership that I'm assuming is important to you?

If your boyfriend won't listen to what you want now what does the future look like to you? Think about it.
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Nokonoko Feb 2022
And women should not use men as a plan for little of life's BS. Unless it goes both ways and clearly it does not in this case. Her life issues comes first while his take a backseat.
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I’d get out of this one way deal that boyfriend will not contribute one dime & have his mother move in for you to take care of 24/7..get your 35K back immediately. He & his mother will become squatters. You changed your mind…GET YOUR $$$ back!!’ Or just buy house for yourself and your daughter…Don’t allow scammer & squatters bf & mother near it. Hugs 🤗
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Not, why did you ask this question?

Were you simply asking for validation that you're right and he's wrong?

Or does that still small voice in the back of your head tell you that this is a terrible idea?

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

I would take that down payment money and get myself training for a job that doesn't hurt my back.

I also wouldn't buy a home in middle age that wasn't on one level; buying and selling property involves transaction costs. I would be looking for a one level home, especially if I had a bad back.

Frankly, you sound like a couple of sqabbling teen-agers. I hope that you can find some peace and a less emotionally fraught relationship in the future.

Therapy can help.
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lealonnie1 Feb 2022
Good advice, about the 1 level home. After my divorce in 2003, I had a 10 y/o daughter living with me (my son had already moved out). After I sold the big house & we split the proceeds, I bought a patio home in a gated community on one level (with a lower level walk-out), the HOA covered the snow removal & lawn care, and had it built for the two of us. I was 46 years old at the time, but had the foresight to look ahead to when I was older and not wanting to climb stairs, shovel snow or worry about lawns. I still live here with my 2nd DH now. Smartest move I ever made next to filing for divorce! :)
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Run. Do not put your money into a house with him. I really feel this is a bad move. And you will be the caretaker. Your health is important. I’ve got thyroid issues too that are getting worse because of my situation. You said your boyfriend is lazy and disrespectful? Please rethink your decision and run. I put up with too much for too long. I don’t see a good outcome in your situation. Good luck. (Hugs)
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cherokeegrrl54 Feb 2022
every Thing you just mentioned made my hair stand up and gave me chills…and not in a good way!!! I would take my $$$ and look for my own place There is something out there just right for you and your children. Please think wisely and not with your heart on this one….Liz
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Red flags everywhere that you're busy turning green. You're asking for trouble. First of all, buying a house with your boyfriend - who has no commitment to you - is risky to begin with, and you being the only one with a financial investment makes it even more treacherous. You're trusting that your boyfriend will make the mortgage payments. Do you have that in writing? If things go south, you might need to sue him and you'll need a contract between the two of you signed and notarized. You need to protect your investment of $35,000. Or how about you buy the house without the boyfriend and live in it yourself and let him figure out where he and his mother are going to live. Or you could wait a couple of years until the boyfriend saves up $35,000 to match your investment and then buy a home with him. Honestly it sounds like you're going to be on the hook to support both the boyfriend and his mother. He's already shown you that his mother is first in the pecking order. You know good and well that your wishes will always come second to his mother. Is that the life you want to live? If I were you, I'd run. There isn't a man alive that's worth that much trouble. Peace.
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Feelingguilty22 Feb 2022
Exactly!!!
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refuse to close...take the financial hit.
Until you close, you are NOT completely committed to the situation. Although
there will be a cost associated with it.
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OK so that it's about you being the caregiver, not about you just having her there. (There's a contradiction as you keep mentioning your daughter, whom this would be in conflict with, but i'll leave that for another post).

OK. Have you told your BF that you just WON'T be the caregiver? That she is basically an unpaid tenant that you won't be checking in on?
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Yes the issue is the caregiving and that’s not my responsibility or job because he’s paying mortgage payments for the next two years till
we are-even with our money investments and what each is going to contribute. I have repeatedly told him I can’t abs won’t take care of his mom for him and he doesn’t understand that without me taking care of her she can’t live here, it makes no sense, if she can’t walk up stairs to get to the kitchen or front door she needs to be elsewhere. She will fall and be bed bound and then that will be another problem all together. Not to mention she even needs help getting up from
a chair at this point and I can’t help her do that either, she can’t sit in pee all day and not eat with access to the kitchen unless I’m home.
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Geez, if you want to comment please read everything first, no one has the right to make you take care of their own responsibilities. I am taking care of mine and all I’m saying is that I won’t take care of my BFs. He is not taking care of my daughter and I haven’t asked him to. I paid to have to the extra room for visiting or emergency if my daughter needed it or we had company. He didn’t want the extra space and wouldnt pay for the extra room because he said he didn’t need it but realized I did so I agreed to pay for it. Why would it then be ok for
him to say and not ask me, that he’s going to permanently move his mom into the room and make me take care of her 24/7. He doesn’t want to take care of her, physically, actually doing the work, he just wants to throw money or someone else at the problem and let them solve it for him, that’s what I mean by lazy. If he was going to be caring, physically, for his mom 24/7 I wouldn’t be upset and posting my concerns. He is not going to do that, hes admitted he can’t, he has to work, but he won’t admit that he will end up expecting me to do it FOR HIM. I know this will happen and I’m trying to find a way to help
his mom so she doesn’t need to live here, he’s not doing anything but sticking his head in the sand and waiting till there is no option, no where to place her, and then he knows ill
have no choice but to have her here and I’ll hurt myself trying to take care of her FOR HIM and I refuse to debilitate myself for HIS mom and his responsibility, at my expense! While my daughter if she needs help won’t get any because I’m taking care of HIS responsibilities. He doesn’t even want his mother here, he just doesn’t want to deal with her so he’s essentially passing her off to me and I don’t want her on my plate and that’s not him being a hero or good son in my opinion.
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Nokonoko Feb 2022
I am sorry but if your grown adult child who is in need of help can stay, I see no reason why the BF mother cannot in her time of need.

My guess he is the one paying the mortgage since it will be in his name and if so that is how he would be "caring" for your grown adult. You cannot expect him to understand why you will have an issue if he has to accept a grown adult child leaving within the shared home.
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As with all of these questionable posts, we get fed a little drip at a time until it is plain old water torture.
NOW we find out that the OP has a daughter who is disabled with a heart issue and that the OP will be "caring for her for life" and that this is what she wishes to do, and it is a "joy" to her.
So I imagine the boyfriend has as much a call on the home for his MOM, who is likely HIS joy and privilege to care for for the rest of HER life.
I have finally been gaslighted by this post, with its closing in on 100 responses, that I am personally out.
The sounds like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY to me, and I wish them godspeed and the very best in the future. Live happy. Stop arguing. And may loving trust guide the way.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Totally wrong message you got from my post! sorry to have bothered you, my daughter has a stress problem due to her current living and personal circumstances. She needs no physical care of any type, I mean care as any mother does for their kid, living and supporting. And my BF will not be CARING for his mother, that is the whole point to my entire posts. He will be dumping his mom (his responsibility) off on me, not caring for her at all, he would be forcing her on me to deal
with. No one has the right to volunteer you for a life of servitude.
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For what it's worth, my half-sister hooked up with a guy and he's asked her to marry him. He lives with his mother who's 80-something, and has done so for decades since his divorce. He takes care of her, but she's not at the point where she needs a lot of help. Yet. My sister has a deadbeat daughter who's 38 and has lived with her for her entire life; no job, nothing; has a child out of wedlock who my sister supports TOO. So here's the terms of the marriage the two of them agreed upon:

They're buying a new, bigger house that they will ALL fit into. The happy couple, my sister's 38 y/o daughter & her daughter, the guy's mother, all of them. My sister told him she comes as a package deal with her DD & the granddaughter, and he told her that HE comes as a package deal with his mother. They both agreed to the dysfunctional arrangement, so to THEM it's not 'dysfunctional.' As much as I tried to convince my sister SHE will be the one to care for his mother when she gets sick or develops dementia, she doesn't care and/or won't listen.

Maybe such an arrangement is what you need OP; that the two of you come as a package deal with your daughter & his mother thrown in. Such a thing would not work for ME, but that's ME. Maybe it would work for YOU; where both of you make compromises for one another. What do you think?
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Im not asking him to care for or support my daughter, and I expect the same from with his mother. But he can’t take care of her so he’s thinking ill do it for him, that’s the difference. I’m taking care of my responsibility and he’s wanted to add his responsibility to my workload which isn’t fair and I can’t physically do so there is no reason for his mom to live in the house. If he was paying to have a room for her and care for her 24/7 that’s fair, but dumping her on my plate is not.
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