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I don't mean to be respectful but this screams "Love is Blind". I can't find in all the lengthy information you have provided any positives about the treatment you receive from your boyfriend. Taking the potential MIL out of the equation for a moment you state your boyfriend is lazy, issues with how he was raised (none of which sound positive) and general behavior to you. I mean if he makes you sleep on the floor while on vacation so his mother can have a nice bed I find that incredulous. Maybe there are positives but I didn't read any from you. I would hope you halt right now any binding commitments and if you want to continue the relationship find a therapist you both might see or at least find one for yourself. Good luck moving forward and hopefully not going backwards in ways that will be hard to extricate yourself from.
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Your grown daughter shouldn't need any temporary housing from you. My God, she is grown, if it' that bad she can go to some government thing right? Just as the MIL might, right?

I can't imagine BF would want a grown daughter who can't get life together squatting with you. The fact that you even think she might ever is like him saying mom can stay temporarily. You are both being solutions to people who should have figured it out on their own but aren't.

Don't do the closing and find some other way to provide some place for your daughter. Better yet tell her she's a grownup now and her housing will no longer be your problem no matter what.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
My daughter just turned 20, has heart issues and is my responsibility and joy to care for, for her entire life! She has not asked for any assistance or money from me and supports herself completely on her own now. She is not the subject of this since I was a responsible adult and consulted my BF that living with me would mean that she may need to come back temporarily at some
point and i needed to always have a room available for that. I discussed and he agreed to this long before he ever even came to live with me in the house we rent now and he was completely on board. His mother has never been addressed as an issue or discussed as being a possibility of having to live with us at any point until
last week. And I was not asked if it was ok, the subject was not discussed and no compromise or consideration of my needs or feelings about it were heard.
As soon as he told me her situation I have offered to stop the sale of the house because I thought he needed to take care of her and her financial issues and not also have me and a mortgage on his plate. I said you should find a place to live with her that’s one floor and accessible to her needs and you could have some
one care for her while
youre at work. But he said he refuses to put our lives on hold for her, which is not a mommas boy attitude, but he won’t tell her that she needs to sell her home and pay for her own mistakes until
she can’t any longer (and then and only then will he start supporting her financially) because he doesn’t want to upset her or go against what she wants. (Which is where his mommas boy attitude comes back.) Somehow I’m the bad guy for even offering to give up the house so he can take care of her because I’m not wanting to have her in my home. But who wants a MIL living with them hemestly, not many. And especially when their care and financial issues are going to affect you and your health and prevent you from caring for your own obligations.
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Everyone is jumping in on the relationship you have with your boyfriend and I understand why. Your post makes me think back to the huge mistakes I made in the years following my divorce. I survived, but after losing every penny I had. I worked myself out of it and ended up buying my own house and it was only then that I found a stable relationship because I was finally stable, financially and emotionally. It seems the only way we learn is by experiencing, not by being told by others.

As for your actual question, convincing your boyfriend that Mom should not move in, you are correct that he does not understand how difficult it will be. He seems to be acting from emotions and a sense of responsibility, not reality. You want him to learn from what you went through taking care of your dad, and you say you'd do it again for your dad. You won't do it for his mother. You are clear on that because you know what it involves. But you must understand that he feels the way about his mom that you felt for your dad. He does not understand because he has not experienced it yet.

What you can do is help him find another solution. She says she'd like to live closer to him. Believe that, instead of going off on how she won't see the grandkids, and get her to sell her house and find a care home for her close to you, or rather to her son, as you don't seem to have a good relationship with her. That way he can be involved in her care by visiting and making sure she has what she needs, manage her finances for her, but still work at his job. Try to make it clear to him that the two of you do not need to provide for his mom financially by sacrificing part of your home and all that you work hard for.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Thank you and that is exactly what I’m doing, trying to give alternatives solutions to the moms problems. But the problem is that my BF won’t force the issue about talking to his mom about the options because she doesn’t want to sell anything to pay for her expenses and he doesn’t want to tell her he won’t just give her extra money each month. He’d rather avoid the awkward conversation that may upset her and just say “hey come live here for free”, knowing ill be here to take care of her in the back of his mind. So his problems are all solved, easy peasy, for free, and his mom is happy.
I don’t know her any better than my grocery checker, we don’t have any type of relationship, good bad or otherwise, she is a stranger to me. I don’t dislike her at all, I just don not
want to end up caring for her 24/7 when she is permanently forced upon me without my consent because she is living in my home. He didn’t think ahead about what her living here would mean for ME because it’s his mommy and he thinks she will just take care of herself like she always has, but she’s 84 and from what I’ve seen and heard. she is on the verge of becoming very immobile and that is a HUGE problem since she will
be in a room downstairs, with me unable to help her even transfer from a chair to standing, much less up stairs, on and off the toilet, in and out of the shower, in and out of bed and so on. I can’t physically even help her stand up without hurting myself so I am terrified for her to live here, because when all is said and done, I would hurt myself to help her if she needed it, I can’t neglect her, it’s not in my character and he knows that and I’m scared he’s going to take advantage of that, or simply take it for granted that I’ll make it work out like I’m know n to do. I’m trying to protect myself, before it’s too late. She tripped beside me the second time I saw her and i instinctively grabbed her before she fell off the sidewalk on a short 10 foot walk and then I had to lay down with a muscle relaxer and ice pack on my back for the next two days in a room by myself while my BF and his kids and her went out and about the whole time and I had no help or food in the house because it was a rental for the week. I had to call my BF by dinner time the first day and ask if they were coming back for dinner and they were already eating out somewhere without a thought about the person who saved grandma from falling in the road the day before, she s fine and I’m just being a baby laying in bed all day is the vibe i got from them. My BF apologized profusely and said he forgot there wasn’t anything in the house to eat and he thought I’d be asleep and didn’t want to wake me but gone for 8 hours and nobody is checking on me, I’m not going to get any consideration for when I am left to care for his mom all
day when I can’t physically be helping her do anything. I know where I’ll be if she moves in, having surgery to fuse my discs in my lower back that I’ve tried for 30 years to avoid. And who is going to take care of me and my son then, not his 84 yo mother and not him because he can’t stay home to care for his mother, he certainly cant
do it for me, I understand someone has to make the money to pay for the house and everything, but that’s why I don’t want to injure myself for her care, then he’d have two disabled women in his hands. He just doesn’t plan ahead or think things through and it makes me come off as selfish because I say I’m not taking care of your mom because I know immediately all
that that entails having done it before and I have told him
what it did to my mental
and physical health and he still
just says “but im not asking you to take care of her, she doesn’t need help now and I’ll take care of her” but that is an empty promise because he can’t quit his job to do it 24/7, he can’t afford to take her bills on and pay for someone to come to the house and take care of her all day, and he will expect me to do it when the 💰is gone
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Leaving other issues aside, why do you feel you are entitled to have your grown child live within your shared home but not his mother in a time of need? Seems like a double standard, you cannot have it both ways.

This will not work you are best going your separate ways using that 35k to get yourself a nice apartment.
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Quite honestly I think your boyfriend should not have to live with your grown children any more than you should have to live with his aged Mother. As I said, we live in a two flat and live in the upper, renting out the lower. When we did this 34 years ago we had a clear agreement that neither our own children (we each raised two) nor siblings, not even FRIENDS of one of the other of us would EVER be moved in downstairs. And that is a separate unit. It has worked out very well.
You are a grownup and you have all the facts. If you DON'T have the facts you can avail yourself of a real estate attorney, a trust and estate attorney or a general attorney to GET the facts. Your realtor is your guide. If they misinform you (get it in writing) there goes their license to practice. RealyReal says below that one of your updates said that you will not be on the deed. I don't think that's possible because I don't believe anyone is that clueless, but quite honestly I haven't followed ever piece of new information drop by drop. If that IS the case--if you put in 35,000 on a home you will not be buying, not be on the deed of--then add a good psychologist to the above experts. (Sorry, I get more blunt as the answers pile up, and was never one to believe we always have to be kind; some OPs need to be awakened and kind just doesn't do that; I am more a tough love type).
It sounds to me in general like there are really nebulous rules, little understanding, and lots of argument about lots of things going here. You have known this person since childhood, but there has been no agreement about marriage or really melding lives.
As I said, be certain you and your money are LEGALLY protected, stop arguing things, and when you don't like outcomes, sell that house. As long as you are on the deed (and NOT married) you can force a sale even if both your names are on the deed. I think in your case it is a very lucky thing you aren't married.
Sure wish you good luck. Any time I see a thread on Forum that goes over 60 answers I know we are either bickering with one another or in some very muddy waters, indeed. Seems a case of muddy waters here. We all live with different senses of "order" in our lives; that's fine.
Sounds like a lot of issues that may come home to roost, whether grown kids or aged Moms. The bright side to that is that you won't be bored! Good luck.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2022
Alva, she won't be able to force anything. The purchase is solely in his name with a promise to do a quit claim deed.

He has already started a deal breaker argument, I don't think he will sign anything. Then it is on her to pursue the refund legally.

He'll tell her mommy is moving in, like it or lump it. Of course, she won't be able to do anything because she has given him her nest egg.

I agree with adult children living in. Time to put on their big girl and boy undies. It, also, makes it really hard to say no to his family members without coming across as a tw...

Muddy waters indeed.
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I couldn't bring myself to read all your question.
First, do not buy that house with your BF. Refuse to sign and get your money back.
Second, do not marry this guy. He's disrespectful to you by already telling you how it's going to be without any consideration to you.
Third, by buying the house and marrying this guy, his mom's care will come down to you cause he's already wrapped up in his head you know how to be a caregiver and you'll do it for him.
Fourth I'm seeing so many red flags in your situation, I'm not understanding why you don't.
Fifth, if you go through with this fiasco, you've only got yourself to blame.
Sixth, think of yourself first in this situation because it's obvious you're boyfriend doesn't give a hoot about you or you wouldn't be telling us your story.
Good luck, stay strong and DON'T GIVE IN!
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Banks give away umbrellas when the sun shines but ask for them back when it starts raining.
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Honest question, are you buying the home in hopes of getting married in the future? If not why buy the house with him?
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2022
She's not really buying the house with him. Just giving 35k for him to buy the house, in his name only.
Believing that he will add her name through a quit claim deed, on a mortgaged house, sometimes down the road.
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Did you get your apology or did he walk out because he isn't going to budge about moving mommy in?

You are either totally insane or completely desperate to buy this house without being on the mortgage and title putting 35k down. Or should I say giving your BF 35k to buy a house because you aren't buying anything as the deal goes.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Actually he did apologize when he got home tonight. For not being honest about the fact that he did expect me to take “physical care” of his mother! He said he was offended that I didn’t offer to be her caregiver since I had done it for my dad years ago and he just assumed I’d offer because it’s his mom. I told him that with my back injury I had no way to do that and I assumed he knew that and was still telling me that he thought I had to do it anyway because he was going to move her in without asking. He also apologized for not asking me first and for going back on our agreement that I had paid for that extra room and it wasn’t his to give away without consulting me, end of story. He agreed his mom needs to take care of her own financial mistakes for now and sell her house or he won’t help her with her financial mess in the future. He said he realizes he was enabling her to keep misusing her budget by bailing her out and offering to take care of it for her without holding her accountable and letting her get herself out of this mess by selling her house, which she has refused to do out of pride he says. Apparently she feels it’s giving up to sell but she can’t keep it and still live on his dime. He is going to take out his 401k to match my down payment and add it to closing so we are exactly even Steven going forward and we each pay our own respective bills as we planned and half the mortgage each. We both agreed that If his mother needs to move in when she becomes disabled enough to need care it will only be temporary until she finds a faculty to help her and she will pay for her care out of her own pocket from
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!
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The answer to your boyfriend about his mother moving in has to be a very hard NO!
I don't know if it's too late for you to back out of buying property with him. I hope it's not.
This situation is not going to work out for the best even if his mother never gets to the point where she needs care. What will happen is you will be competing with mom for your man's attention and affection. I hate to lay it on you, but if he put you on the floor so mommy could have the bed on the vacation I'm sure you paid your share for, he will always choose mom.
If she should get dementia or need caregiving, that will fall on you by default for two reasons.

1) You're a woman and women always get the drudgery and grunt work that is elder caregiving settled on them like a yoke.

2) You're in a relationship with her son. Even if you don't get married she's still your de-facto MIL, and they will both think you owe her.

This is a woman who blew through 100 grand in a few years. What was the reason for that? Did she have no other income to live on? Was it very high medical expenses? Or does she just like to spend money and figured her son would take care of her after the money runs out?

Unless you can get it in legal writing that your man's mother will not be moving into your new home, back out of buying the place. If you can't back out then never forget that it's also your house and you will not allow her to move in. Then the ball is in your boyfriend's court. It sounds mighty likely to me after reading the comments, that your boyfriend will burn you when it comes time to put your name on the deed of the house.
You cannot allow this. The moment your money gets accepted is when your name goes on that house, understand?
You're not married to him and your reasons are your own for that. If you were you would have legal rights.
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RUN RUN RUN
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Your boyfriend's mother lives beyond her means.

Your boyfriend feels responsible to help his mother.

He sees two ways to do that: 1. Pay for her housing/living expenses or 2. Move her into his space.

He does not consider you a factor in this equation.

This is the definition of "being used".
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Beatty Feb 2022
Yep.
We have heard of the concept " A man is not a financial plan", right? MIL hasn't..

I've met older ladies who indeed had that plan. Husband died? They look to their son.
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I don’t think BF mother can rent a reversed mortgaged home. If she moves out, the lender can call the mortgage.
Run far away from this whole set up. You are in a trance. It happens. Wake up.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
You are correct. She can't rent out a home with a reversed mortgage.
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Does the lender know that the 35K is coming from you? Lenders have to "source" the monies that make up a down-payment.

Do you have the funds to close?

Do you know what the charge for the quit claim deed will be?

Did you have the home inspected?

We HAD an inspection. But inspections don't include the sewer lines that run to the street. Yup, ours broke a couple of months after we moved in. Cost us $1800. In 1980. Probably 10K these days.

This is from a site called consumer-action.org

"Before You Add Someone To Your Title
There are just a few valid reasons to amend your homeownership by adding another person’s name to the title to your home. This is also called transferring title. If you transfer all or part of your ownership to another person, you lose control.
Legitimate reasons to amend your home’s title:
You wish to add your spouse to the title.
You are selling the property.
You are borrowing against your home equity and you are required to amend your title to give the lender a security interest in your property.
You could lose your rights if you add someone to your title under the following circumstances:
Allowing someone to “hold” the deed temporarily.
Adding a person other than a spouse or child to the title can result in higher property taxes.
A deedholder (even one who holds only a percentage of the property) can take out mortgages and loans, tear down your house or sell the property.
A deed transfer may trigger a full payment on your mortgage."

Will you be added to the title as Joint tenant in entirety, Joint tenant with right of survivorship? There are several ways titles to be shared. Please find out what the implications of each are.

https://www.investopedia.com/articles/mortgages-real-estate/08/title-ownership-property.asp

There's a site called www.bogleheads.org that has great financial information and advice.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Yes to all the questions and thank you for the information.
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Notaslave, I am so pleased to read many aspects of your update!

Hey I get having a man that won't look at houses (considers that shopping) & won't much look at finances. Luckily I am happy to do both! My man probably has the genes to stalk & kill prey. But not cave finding or berry picking..

You are getting your house. Tick. You are getting your name on the deed for your money. Tick. The man knows your position regarding MIL care. Tick. High 5!

You have made your boundary clear. That's GREAT. That's within the boundaries lof what you can do. Maybe the man gets it.. Maybe he hears you but doesn't get it yet.. no matter. It's clear.

The was an amazing poster named Dorker who battled for years with her lovely DH over MIL care. He just wanted *family* to save her/serve her. Regardless of her bad decisions on reverse mortgages, firing help or whatever. He had been trained long & hard to be The Good Son. He kept on about their spare bedroom.. 'the yellow bedroom'.. oh couldn't she just move in?... *family* can care for her.

Family being: all adult kids left home, he worked 6 long houred days a week so that only left Dorker, who worked part-time & babysat for the Grands. Just as you said, he thought HIM wanting to help was some some of proxy or her.

Why are some folk so thick on this she asked? We asked? I ask now!

F.O.G Fear Obligation Guilt

Fear of saying no to Mom. Obligation The Good Son has to help/save. Guilt if he doesn't.

Once that FOG clears - hopefully he can see. It's simple really - You spend your money Mom - you deal with it.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
He has FOG with a lot of things and once he has time to absorb and mull over it and I think try to see my side, he usually sees the forest through the trees so to speak. I’m hoping this was really just his knee jerk reaction to suggest her live here as a last resort and he was just telling her what he thought would calm her down, not truly meaning he would move her in anytime soon or without talking to me about it. He has told her things a lot over the past 3 years and he always tells me in the moment he’s just trying to end the conversation and calm her down or make her happy for now. Pacifying her without any intention of follow through and hoping she’ll forget about it is his usual MO, but I have told him that’s creating a monster he’ll have to deal with later and it looks like now is that time. But this time I’m involved in this little story he’s weaving for her and she could potentially ruin my health if she moves in, (mental and physical ) as well as my relationship so I’m not playing along. If she speaks to me about it I’ll let her know that I wasn’t consulted about this invitation into my home and I dont think this is the best place for her needs now or In the future, and the bedroom he’s offered her was supposed to be for my daughter, and I decided to pay extra for it to be available for my child, should she need it. I think if she knew she wasn’t welcome
and that she was essentially stealing the room from me, and that her son was not paying for this house on his own, that’s it’s actually mine as well, she wouldn’t be so ready to accept the invitation from her son, fake or real. I am very disappointed to find out that renting her house may not be possible due to the reverse mortgage issues. I will look into that because my BF really thinks she will
refuse to sell anytime soon and that would mean she needs to be financially supported and he thinks the best way to do that is save money by her living here and that’s not going to save my sanity!
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https://www.coverage.com/insurance/home/quitclaim-deed/

Please read this. A quit claim deed does not carry any guarantee that the grantor actually owns the property.

So....he could get the deed, sell the house to his mother the next day and quit claim it 30 days later, making you believe that you are now on the deed.

Except you're not.

Or, he could quit claim it to his mom. And then to you. Meaning now she's on the deed.

And there is NO RECOURSE. Because a quit claim deed is NOT a warranty deed.

Grifters...
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sp19690 Feb 2022
I agree and have to wonder if the realtor is in on this game.
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What happens if he "decides" not to do the quitclaim deed in 30 days?

You need your own lawyer.
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sp19690 Feb 2022
She is going by what the realtor told her which is incorrect. They are not married and obviously won't be 30 days after closing so it is not as simple as adding her name to the deed.
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lealonnie1…

“You deserve an equal partnership with the mate you choose in life, where your voice is equally heard and considered before all decisions are made.”


I said almost the same
thing you wrote verbatim tonight before reading this. I insisted we talk about what options were feasible for his mother and her situation and I had what I think was an awesome idea that he seemed offended that I was thinking of ways to make her stay out of our house, which duh! He asked what my real issue was with not wanting his mother to live with us.

i said you have a responsibility to her but that doesn’t mean I do by proxy. I think she should be responsible for her actions and he is responsible for her choices and care when she needs it. I said my issue is that I don’t like being told that I’m selfish because I don’t want to take care of your responsibilities for you when you are pawning your “precious” mothers care off on me. That is the most disrespectful thing I think a son can do to his mother and his partner. I would never ask him to care for my mother or support her, especially as my BF, and the fact that he can’t understand that I know what this situation is going to turn into when she gets further along in disability is just ignorant. I’ve been through it already and I work with elderly people as my job. I said he is just putting his head in the sand and ignoring his responsibility to her and what’s best for her because he doesn’t want to deal with it, because it’s “too stressful” for him, (in his words) so not to tell me I’m selfish or disrespectful because I owe her nothing and she’s a stranger to me. And the mere thought of her living here, even if I don’t have to care for her yet stresses me out so much Ive felt sick the past couple days worrying about it and haven’t slept and you don’t care that im
Stressing and I’m the only one trying to find her the best care and solution to her problems so I am being more respectful to her in my opinion. I said what have you come up with and he said again, he didn’t want to think about it, and I said I don’t have that luxury because her living here would make me homeless and I’m not letting someone run me out of my own home, so I’m trying to be the responsible one, up to the point of finding a better solution than her living here and me ending up being her sole caregiver because you aren’t home to do it. So my idea was to have her rent her house, she could get $2200 a month easy and make it the renters responsibility to mow the yard that costs her $100/wk in the summer and that, plus her SS and pension would be more than enough to support her even without selling her house. She could sell when she was ready and just live comfortably on the renters dime. She could even keep all her furniture for now and store most of it and then rent a smaller, one level, more manageable safer home. She could also sell the 30-40k car she bought and get a lower payment for an older car and save another $200 that way. He was still only aggravated that I’d put so much thought into her “not” living here that he couldnt even be open minded about the idea. All he said afterwards was that she wouldn’t go for being a landlord or storing her furniture. I said then she can stay in her house and eat can tuna because she not living in our house rent free , making me her caregiver for free if she can’t do something to help herself out of the mess she created. She has to take responsibility for her circumstance and I’m not giving her the room I paid for to have my daughter live in if she needs it for someone who won’t do their part to help themselves. He was speechless and left the room, I was almost smiling when he left cause for him that means he heard it and he’s embarrassed that he finally got it and he’ll probably apologize before I’m asleep. Not that it makes up for his behavior, but to really truly be heard and understood is what I wanted more than anything, whether it changes his outlook or not.
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2022
So, did you get that apology?
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OP said her name is going to be added to the deed 30 days after closing. I googled this and it is not as simple as her realtor makes it sound. She really needs to speak to a lawyer about this before the closing because from what I read it can trigger gift taxes and the clause in mortgage by lender that requires full term of loan to be paid immediately.

Basically the lender has to agree to having OP added to the deed. This can be done before closing because the OP can have her name on the deed and not rhe actual mortgage payments. If lender wont agree to this before closing they probably won't agree to it after closing. What will OP do if she finds out she can't do a quitclaim and be added to the deed?
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I forwarded this to the lender because he said he had just done this with his wife recently and to ask our closing agent about it. I already talked to the closing agent and she said all we would need to do was to have one of their attorneys draft a quit claim deed, come to her office in 30-60 days to execute the signing of it and theyd send it to the recorder for filing. Hopefully it is that easy. But I’ll make sure now, thanks again!!!!!!
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I truly feel that you should just step back from this house purchase and continue renting for now - the timing just isn't right - there are too many obstacles, red flags and uncertainties in the way that your boyfriend responds... and in any definitive plans for his mother.

Wait until the dust settles and he finds a living arrangement for his mother - and perhaps he needs to be more involved in her finances going forward.

There will be other houses and opportunities when the timing is right and the stars are more aligned for this to happen - otherwise owning a home under the wrong circumstances will feel more like a burden than an advantage.
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"... because it’s his name on the Loan and he will suffer the consequences of missing payments if he doesn’t."

This really worries me.

If the loan is secured on the house, YOU will suffer the consequences of missed payments because the loan provider will own the house. That's what a mortgage is.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Yea I know that, I meant he can’t skip town and it not go against his credit to just not pay. I know I’m responsible too but my name isn’t on the loan, just the deed. Just clarifying the details.
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There will absolutely no harm done by waiting for a better time, a different house, can you see that?

You don't have to lose your boyfriend over this.

Home buying is very stressful, and you don't really have all your ducks in a row yet.

Have you considered, with your back pain-that some treatments are not covered by insurance, and the expense of some treatments (say for example,
Prolia injections) @ approximately $2500 per injection will go through your $35 K quickly?

I never meant to get this drawn in by answering your question, but feel you are making at the very least, a financial mistake. People who are trying to help you are feeling for your situation. It also feels more urgent due to the time limit on your escrow. BTW, an escrow that you are not really a part of-on the title/deed.
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No, this cannot be right-about the mortgage and title. Do you believe that sounds right?

Just FYI. an escrow company, upon receiving different escrow instructions from the new owners, will have to legally put a hold on the closing.

You both are not using an above board mortgage company, are you?

Have you gone to all the meetings with your boyfriend?

This cannot be right!
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
I have been to every meeting without him, acted as his assistant and informer for all of this, set up all the people involved and seen every piece of info about the deal before him most of the time. All the people involved know that I am handling all of this basically for him. Thank you for your concern about this but my issues are just about the mother moving in without my consent or even knowledge before he offered it to her and using the room permanently, A room I paid for to let my daughter (should she need a place temporarily) to stay in. My issues aren’t that I feel
he is a grifter or scamming me. He doesn’t know about 70% of what all this house buying has entailed, he has entrusted it all
to me and just agreed and signed stuff he didn’t even read at times. I trust his character morally and ethically. My issue is that he is blinded by emotion for his moms situation and he is not taking everyone’s interests into account when offering his mom a place to live for free for a permanent solution without consulting me first. He’s thoughtless and reacts instead of thinking first in stressful
situations, especially about his mom. I just don’t want to be stuck living and caring for his mom for ten years because he didn’t think it through or ask if it was ok first before letting her think she was moving in. Thank you for all the care and concerned messages but if feel things have gotten off topic and morphed into other problems
im not concerned with. I see all the sides and understand and agree with a lot of the stuff people have brought up but my main concern was the just simply not being consulted first, the caregiving aspect that he didn’t understand was a part of it whether he thinks it is or not, and the fact that I did discuss and he did agree to me paying for the 3 bedroom to use for my daughter if she needed it TEMPORARILY and him basically giving it away to his mom without asking or paying for it essentially.
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"his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage"

Now while MIL's finances are not my business (it is in fact only MIL's), I'd still like to comment.

Firstly, is 20-25K a year on food, living, home maintenance reasonable where you live? (It would be where I live).

But whether her funds were squandered irresponsibly (gambled, supported a luxury lifestyle etc) or responsibly, (merely to meet her bills) - if BF wants to help his Mom, financially, it can be to point her to the nearest elder advisory service & financial advice.

Saying 'come live with me' could be a throw away line. Not thought out at all.

PS by the way, do you suspect MIL spends her money on supporting her adult children??
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
No she doesn’t support him, and she also has SS and a pension she gets monthly and she bought a 40k car last year that I’m sure the payments are outrageous so it’s pot money management which I don’t want to be tied to honestly. I have looked into the FHA regulations and I have been the one who is handling all the mortgage process, he’s busy at work or doesn’t want to deal
wirh it and says I know more about the process so I have been the go to for the whole process so he’s not up
to anything with that. The realtor was my choice and he didn’t even see the house before we made an offer. As for my back, it’s an old, long standing injury that I’ve lived with and medicated, had procedures and therapy for over the past 30 years. I’m well aware that caring for his mom would destroy what I’ve worked so hard to prevent from
happening and that’s further injury or worsening of my currently somewhat better back health. That’s why I’m so worried about him forcing her care on me for
even a temporary basis because I know it only takes me trying to help
her out of a chair to tweak my back and then he’ll have to help me as well as her and my kid when I can’t walk upright. And I am very thankful for the constructive advise, that why I posted my concerns. I’m sorry if I haven’t said that before.
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Abzu94 - let me say that I appreciated your words and thoughts reflecting a different culture. It is quite interesting to hear about. And I understand that there are strong feelings on the board about bringing a parent into the home to take care of them - many based on very tough experiences. And those feelings are valid and important. The reality is that there are many different ways of thinking, different childhoods and relationships, different financial situations. May I humbly ask that we take a breath before responding and consider what the OP is asking? People come here because it's a safe place to vent and to ask questions. I don't think it's kind to aggressively and emphatically tell her that her boyfriend is a bum and she needs to cancel the contract and move out. Or to be judgmental of a person who conveys a different cultural perspective.

I have also been tempted to fire off an immediate response to a post, but force myself to wait so that I don't inadvertently offend someone asking for help. I appreciate you all and have been helped by many of your words. My goal now that I've lost my parents is to try to help others. Thank you for reading.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Thank you! I did just want to voice my concerns and get helpful ideas of ways to maybe explain my concerns better to my BF so he didn’t take offense to what I was trying to tactfully say, and that was just that I didn’t appreciate not being included in his decision to suggest to his mother that she move in with us when we haven’t even closed on the house yet. Or that he couldn’t just bury his head in the sand about finding other alternatives for his mother that still let him take care of her needs but without imposing her cate on me and not discuss other possible and better solutions. He takes offense whenever someone has an opposing view at first because he feels attacked or that he’s being told he’s wrong instead of trying to understand where the other person is coming from. I’m an over thinker and I think of a Million scenarios when things come
up like this and I can’t just say ok, whatever you want, I need to have my concerns heard and understood and work out a compromise. I was trying to find a better way to say I don’t want your mom living with us and not sound selfish, which I really am not, I just know from experience that he doesn’t have, that taking care of my dad after his stroke and his passing that it literally destroyed me emotionally and physically and I was trying to explain that I can’t do that again, especially for his mother (whom I don t know any better than the dentist), when I have my own mother and children to be responsible for. He just keeps saying he wasn’t asking me
to take care of her, but I can’t make him understand that the time will come when she will need care and if she’s in our house I can’t ignore that and he knows in the back of his mind that oh, My GF will take care of her because she’s my mom and I work and she’s there anyways. I feel
like he’s thinking once his mom is here I can’t refuse without being a total B!&$@ of a human and he knows I’m not. I wanted to make sure he understood that we needed to plan for every way to make that not something that needs to happen until it’s an absolute emergency, last resort, that she moves in, and that I still will not and can not be her caretaker. Period!
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You should get a loan agreement in place before you fork over 35k in the hopes that he will sign any documents down the road.
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Thankfully and Fortunately you haven't proceeded with the closing as yet and you can step back and reassess the situation (I hope).

From all that you described, it sounds very complicated - with many unsettled issues. I truly feel that going forward the way things are is asking for a huge mistake ...and it only gets harder once the closing is finalized. Please see this as a "red flag" and be grateful that you have some time to take a breath and reconsider your plans.

Firstly, the fact that you said that your boyfriend is an "equal owner" on the onset when you're paying the entire down payment and it would take him a lot of mortgage payments to even reach that amount is already skewed and unbalanced. And now his mother coming into this - and her living arrangement hanging in limbo....I think you can see where this is going....many arguments between you and your boyfriend, aggravation....instability...it's a set-up for failure unfortunately.

If your boyfriend cannot arrange alternate living plans for his mom in advance of the closing, then I suggest taking a step back and perhaps cancel the closing (if you're unable to get a mortgage yourself). This isn't the right time and if your boyfriend wants to live with his mom, then I think he needs to find a place for them himself. He shouldn't have it both ways - and standing firm and doing what is best for you will benefit you in the end and bring you peace of mind. Wishing you the best of good wishes ~
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
Thank you and yes I see all the red flags, I do, I’m also aware that right now he is not an equal owner but that is where he calls me selfish again is when I say I am spending this much for the house and specifically a third bedroom for my daughter and now your saying you are moving your mom if she needs to without even discussing it with me first. He will be paying the mortgage payments because it’s his name on the Loan and he will suffer the consequences of missing payments if he doesn’t. And he is planning to pay for the financial things I can’t pay for each month to help in supporting me. But it’s like he expects advanced credit for that now and in the future so he can act like he has an upper hand or more of a vote in who lives in OUR house.
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Follow your gut, this is not a sound investment. A house in itself comes with headaches why compound that with unnecessary drama it seems woefully unnecessary and unproductive.

Please understand being selfish is not a bad thing, if he feels you are selfish that is fine. You have every right to be selfish within your home and therefore space.

On a side note let us not have another thread get locked due to fighting. Multi-Generational Living seems to raise the temperature of the board. Not going to question the intention behind the boyfriend, it is noble. The thing you have to explain to him is the third room was never intended for that use, and had you known that was going the purpose of the room you never would have invested in the property end of story. Be clear and concise with him that having her stay with you even as an emergency is not acceptable. It is his mother you have no responsibility towards her, and if that is an issue he is free to leave.
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Was just thinking ... I have a feeling the bank will automatically put his name on the deed, as he has the mortgage. The bank would want some sort of protection from mortgage default. This may come up to you at the last minute at closing. Otherwise, how could they foreclose if they don't have an interest in the property? Please check with the mortgage company/real estate attorney on this issue to see what their policy is before you receive any last minute surprises.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
His name and mine will be on the deed. 30 days after we close we get a lawyer to do a quit claim deed and put my name on the deed too, we can’t have it on there at closing because of the type of loan it is apparently (FHA). The mortgage person set me up with a lawyer to have that done.
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OK.. Do not marry this man-child. Do not buy a house together or in any way entangle your finances with his. You are very fortunate this came up before it was too late and you were trapped. You gave a lot of good reasons, but really they are not necessary. Don't you hear the alarms going off? You are intended to support this guy and care for his mother and that is the bottom line here. Are you on board with this trainwreck? RUN.
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