My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
This is an unhealthy dynamic. And it betrays the relationship.
It can be used (even if unintentionally) to inform you how things will be without actually telling you. It can get you upset, cause you to fight. Set you up to take on a responsibility that is not yours. Set you up to express his anger (towards his mom) for him.
Walk away when he is on the phone to her. Even if he is in the kitchen cooking with you. Turn off the stove and walk away. Do not share what little time the two of you have together with his mom. He can leave the bedroom if she calls while you both are in bed. Or you can leave.
Since I have done this, I have much more peace not knowing what dH's mother is doing. And he never tells me. Dh still tries to bring me in on it, I keep my boundaries up. I have been grifter-proofed by caring therapist(s).
It is not easy to need to keep your guard up in any relationship.
If you need to improve your relationship, start there.
Maybe it is what narcissists do.
You could see an attorney, write up a contract and make the $35 K a second mortgage loan, payable to you as your separate property upon sale of the house. This contract should go through escrow.
Otherwise, if co-mingling funds with your boyfriend or spouse, when you separate or divorce, or just sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50, you could lose all or part of your initial investment.
Say, for example, house proceeds net $235 K. You get $117,500.
He gets $117,500. He receives the same as you do without any down payment. What if you sell it in 2-3 months? He has invested nothing but rent to get 1/2 of your down payment. Quite a gamble.
Yes, do look up "Grifters". There is a dark movie (old) by the same name. Family even scams family, and it involves murder.
I am promoting you today.
NotaslavetoMILorBF
Your gut feelings is right. We can go into all the why's here if you like. IF you think it worth having a rational discussion - here they are;
1. MIL got old & needs help/aides/housing whatever..
2. BF thinks a Good Son must SAVE his Mom.
3. He feels a hero being THE GOOD SON.
4. So he decides to move her in. Like that will fix ALL her health, aging, whatever...
Any action he chooses is for HIMSELF - he CANNOT choose for you.
Rational discussion can help.
Couple councelling can help.
Taking a different ACTION can help.
Say NO as loud as you need to. 🤚
If he doesn't hear you, write it down. Then have a lawyer say NO.
Or say no with your actions. Walk out👢👢
Stop the house purchase. Get back your funds.
Walk.
You can eventually buy a house by yourself, or with a husband. Not a boyfriend. This won't end well.
Do you really believe, after you make the $35,000 downpayment he will really make the mortgage payments? I don't! Before you dig yourself into such a deep pit there's no escaping, pack up and leave! If the sale of the house is finalized, and your name in on the mortgage, see a lawyer and make him return your 35K...if not, run, cancel the sale, even if you lose some money.
NO man is worth this.
as I say LOOK DOWN THE LONG ROAD….
for you , I would RUN . This man should be putting you first And looking down that road , I don’t see that …
moms home is the nest egg , but who’s nest egg? Mom or sons …thru inheritance….. moms home should be used for moms care at AL…
Even if mom sells her house you can guarantee that this selfish spend thrift senior will be broke in a year and sonny boy will have to step up to pay moms bills.
Not to mention OP is preparing for not being able to earn an income because of her own disabilities. So she will be at mercy of what boyfriends wants to do. If he stops paying the mortgage she could lose the house and her 35,000 deposit alobg with it.
What a nightmare instead of what should be a happy time in getting a home and starting a life together.
You could get an attorney and maybe -delay- the closing on the escrow, stating because your boyfriend's mother will be selling her house and increasing the down payment to $100 K, thereby returning your $35 K to you.
You will need the $35 K for upkeep, remodeling, and taxes.
Does that make any sense to you at all?
No, it makes about as much sense as moving in with your boyfriend, married or unmarried, when he thinks of you as "Selfish". He does think you are selfish?
Or did I read that in another post?
And you think he is lazy?
I can honestly say, in all of my homes, every time an elder visited me, be it my own parents or an in law, they have NEVER stayed in MY bedroom; they have stayed in the guest bedroom where all guests should stay. If my DH called me 'selfish' for having that rule in our home, I'd say he was gaslighting me, to be honest: trying to make me feel like I was the crazy one for wanting to sleep in my own room! Just another red flag here, huh Send?
I met my now DH when we were 48. We both had elderly but independent mother and 4 adult children between us.
We agreed that there was no way that any of them was allowed to move in. My DH tolerated one of my kids staying for occasonal weekends, but even that was pushing it.
Before you buy property with another person, their needs to be absolute agreement on ALL of this stuff, kids, parents, whatever.
Doesn't it make you wonder if your idea that being a mommy's boy might be a bit off, if every woman runs where she hears this?
Do not move in. Find another place to rent. Or if you can afford to purchase on your own do so.
Sign nothing.
He, if he truly loves you and values you will come to the realization that you can not nor should you be caregiver for his mom.
Her financial failings should not impact you nor your boyfriend. She needs the professional help of Debt Relief if she has outstanding debts.
I think you might be wrong in saying she can sell her house. with a Reverse Mortgage she no longer technically owns the house. (I am by no means an expert on this and I am sure others have detailed this) It is possible that you/she needs to consult an attorney.
Bottom line....RUN do not walk from this situation.
Having him get a mortgage but not be an owner of the house opens you up to all sorts of problems. He could decide to stop paying one day, and YOU lose all the money you put down as well as your home. That'an insanely bad idea.
Notice I haven't mentioned his mother at all? She's not your problem.
It also fits with Countrymouse's advice (from a different post) for when things are not working:
"Stop. Then Start again".
Have you at least run this arrangement by an attorney?
Mom's 100K profit from selling her home? She won't have 100K, that reverse mortgage will have to be paid off out of any proceeds.
Run, run as fast as you can.
I want you to watch a movie this weekend. Moonstruck, with Cher and Nicholas Cage.
Take it very seriously.
Please heed what the commenters have said.
You know deep down what you should do. Do it.
Keep us updated.
Oh, hon. This is sad. You KNOW you deserve better, but you’re shrugging it off with “oh well, nobody’s perfect”. It sounds like you’re just taking what you can get. Why? What’s keeping you there?
Prior to meeting my husband, I was with guys who I stuck with just because they were there. I settled for less because it seemed better than being alone. So what if these guys ignored what I wanted, or didn’t make me priority, and barely told me they loved me? Hey, nobody’s perfect!
Besides, it’s too scary to start over.
Yeah. I let myself be used and emotionally abused for years. All it got me was a broken heart, broken spirit and feeling 10x worse about myself. And thankful I never moved in with or invested any real money in them.
I realized my husband was a keeper because he listened to me and didn’t put anyone, including his Mom, over me.
It sounds like you’re going to close on the house and do as he wants. I hope you truly act on knowing you deserve better. This sounds like a crossroads in your relationship, and hopefully you’ll choose the best path for you.
Your boyfriend has shown you quite clearly he is not willing to openly and honestly talk about this situation - it is his way or no way... your needs, fears, considerations and your daughter are not part of this whole situation - which, is an indication that if this is the way it is prior then this is how it will be later. You have an responsibility for your daughter - not his mother. That is HIS responsibility - not yours. Even if you were to move in together or get married - ultimately, it is his - physically and financially.
Have him provide you with exactly 'how' he is planning to take care of his mother when he works full time. And what and how he expects you to do and take care of. But know that what is said today can easily change tomorrow. And if you are working, who will be home with his mother to take care of her? If you are already strapped for cash with the house purchase, how are you going to afford the outside caretakers to take care of his mother when no one is home except her?
Another question I have is why are you purchasing a house when you cannot truly afford it on your own? What if he leaves you and you are left with the house, the payments, the property taxes and insurance and all the maintenance? Or what if you want to leave him, but can't since you are now literally tied to a house together?
After living on this Earth for nearly 7 decades, married numerous times, seeing so much in life - both good and bad - I would highly caution you to review why you are making such a large purchase at this time with a relationship that has many unresolved and unsettling issues. You may have known this person since you were a teen, but who we are as a teenager is not who we are as we grow and experience life.
You have to approach this fully knowing that you are not going to 'make' him see anything that he doesn't want to see or keep an open mind and attitude about. That has never worked for anyone.
But the "he's a tyrannical monster forcing me to sleep on the floor and provide 24/7 care for my overweight (non-)MIL who is a financially irresponsible whinge-bag and idiot" polemic is the kind of hyperbole people are driven to when they have just had a full-blown plates-throwing row.
See also the Pallisers, fictional husband and wife, whose argument about constitutional integrity in a democracy escalates into his declaring that he will order shoes without number from a certain shoemaker in their town and her vowing to ruin the same shoemaker and drive him out of business forever. Neither is silly or cruel, so neither would do either thing.
In this real-life instance, there are serious questions to be asked in a considered manner about how best to support MIL's wellbeing and security at such a distance (or indeed whether it's best for her to stay at such a distance), especially in the light of recent information. The OP does not *really* fail to respect her boyfriend's mother, the boyfriend is not *really* going to move mother in over the OP's dead body. But there are several doubtful factors which I suspect neither the OP nor the boyfriend have thought through about their future together, and I hope it isn't wishful thinking that's driving them both on.
And I still want to know what MIL says about it.
I would not close on this house.
I understand there would be a financial penalty for not closing,and since it is your money, it will be your penalty, but better 10,000 flushed away than 34,000.
I would pay the penalty and I would move on. ALONE. Get a job. Raise my children. Buy a small mobile home in a nice trailer park almost free and clear and live a good life.
I think that you already knew, from what you have said, who your boyfriend is, and it is terrible decision making to have bought a home with him. I hope that you are BOTH on the deed if this goes through. I hope that you will then force the sale of this home when the Mother moves in. Legally you can do that, either party to the deed can do so. I hope meanwhile you will keep your finances separate and begin to save for what I am certain is coming, a move out.
I would not argue this issue.
I would tell him that his mother moving in would be a deal breaker. I would leave at once. I would not argue the issue.
You describe your boyfriend as lazy (10-12 hour shifts???), disrespectful, and a mommy's boy. Why you bought a home with him is to me absolutely beyond my comprehension or ability to guess.
Each of us can tell you what WE would do; what you do is entirely your own decision and we only wish the very best for you going forward.
How you can 'convince' him of your position on this matter is to refuse to sign on the dotted line for this mortgage. In my opinion, that would be the only way to make him understand your position here.
Otherwise, you will likely move into this house, be responsible for the lions share of the mortgage, the care & management of the mother AND the upkeep of the house due to the b/f's laziness, have no room for your daughter when she comes to visit, and find yourself in an untenable position you won't know how to get OUT of.
Your best bet, imo, is not to get INTO such a position to begin with. Which is what everyone else is telling you but not what you want to hear. When a man puts his mother first, the wife or the g/f comes second, and I have no idea how you can change that mindset. Perhaps couples therapy would give you some good ideas that we are missing the mark on.
Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
Blended families are tricky at the best of times and in the best of circumstances. How old is your son?
months ago and I told him I’d fix up my sons bedroom upstairs for her that has its own bathroom and he thought I was being rude abs disrespectful because he thought we should give her OUR bedroom because it was the “best” in the house and I’ve never heard of putting your mother or father in the couples bedroom, it’s awkward abs gross to ask them to stay in your personal space
ans bed I think. Not to mention I would have had to move everything I own out of the bedroom for me to feel comfortable having her in my personal space. I was raised that guests stay in the guest room or a child’s room and you make the room look as impersonal as possible, like a hotel/spa room for when they stay so they don’t feel like they have put you out or feel uncomfortable being in you personal space. I just think he was raised differently with different values and ideas about how to respect your elders than I was and he feel like I’m the one being selfish saying I don’t want her to stay in my bedroom when she visits or live in my house. I’ve told him I understand if it was an emergency and there were no other options, but that I would be very uncomfortable with having her here for what could be years and if she needed increasing care I wouldn’t be able to take care of her.
Meaning that he won't be able to pay the mortgage.
Run. Away. Now.
He might "just" be a Mama's Boy.
Or they might be professionals at doing this. I'm serious. Duping nice women into signing onto mortgages.
Your signature, YOUR debt.
Do you understand the obligation you are taking on by taking out this mortgage? Unless you can make the payments ON YOUR OWN, do not take it out.
Do you live in a community property state?
Do you have a lawyer advising you who has YOUR best interests at heart?