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Don't close on the house together! Remove yourself ASAP from the purchase process, call the realtor or closing company and also make clear in writing that you are no longer a purchaser and will not be proceeding with him. Your boyfriend needs a wakeup call that you are serious and you will not change your mind. He may be telling himself the rosy picture but he doesn't have your experience. If you proceed and marry him and things go the way you expect, a divorce will be far more destructive to your life than breaking up with him now.
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Don’t.
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That is an unfair decision. It needs to be a full discussion between all involved. We had the same issue with a reverse mortgage. My advice, don't do it. It is a full time job.
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You were responding the same time I was.

There are many posts on this forum where a OP moved a parent in and when the caring got too much, they couldn't get the patent out. One reason, the parent wouldn't go.

Tell him that he is not responsible to physically care for his Mom. If he is working and needs to work for more years, he should not even consider her moving in. If she is afraid of not having enough money, then maybe your BF should take over her finances. He budgets her money. Get rid of credit cards. At 84 she shouldn't need much. My Mom chose not to have credit cards. If she couldn't with pay cash, she didn't get it. Get her a card where so much is put on it a month and when its gone its gone. Keep her in her house as long as possible. When she needs help, you go from there. He can care for Mom without her living with you.
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The problem is, he isn't willing to listen to you.

He has made it clear that he WILL do whatever he feels he needs to and it doesn't matter what you say, do or feel. This is from your own words here. You are not hearing him and you will pay the price for thinking you can change his declared stance.

Quite frankly I could never understand why any self respecting woman would marry a mommy's boy. Personally, I wanted and got a real man.
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Time to have a talk with boyfriend and tell him his mother will not be living in the house. Ever. Get it in writing also. Sounds like you have communucation issues because instead of telling in no his mother can't move in you just mentioned reasons why you can't care for her. All of which he blew off. Don't close on the house until this is resolved and don't put his name on the house. Not sure why you were the only one putting money into the house down payment. Is he that bad with money that he had nothing saved to put down on it? Just so many red flags with this whole thing.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
I agree. I would tell him that the day SHE comes in is the day that the OP will FORCE A SALE on the house and leave with her portion of the sale. Anyone on the deed (as long as she doesn't make the mistake of marrying him) can force a sale on a co-owned house. So the day she comes in is the day EVERYONE loses the home. That should do it I would think.
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I have been married and divorced. I really cannot see why you would go in on a house with a man you have described. Your BF is looking at this house as his because he will be paying the mortgage. You don't even come into the picture if he feels he can tell Mom she can move in without consulting you. This will never be your house.

I think you know the answer or you wouldn't have posted. Back out now. Do not put any money down and if you have to, pay the penalty for backing out. Then re-evaluate your relationship. What I see is you ending up paying the rent and all Mom's needs. Me, I would be finding a place of my own. You are going from the fire into the frying pan. You deserve much more than this man is willing to give. No matter what you say to him, you will become Moms caregiver.
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Whatever it will cost you to cancel the sale contract is will be far less than the cost to your health and well being if his mother moves in,

He is not the man for you. He is looking for you to bankroll a house for him and his Mum and to be her full time caregiver. Run while you still can.

Edited:

I just read your reply that was posted when I first made my post.

I really truly hope you consider getting therapy asap. I hear echoes in your words of things I woudl have said years ago, when I thought I had firm boundaries, but in reality was bring gas lighted.

Your boyfriend is not going to "hear" what you have to say about the amount of work and level of care his mother will need in the future. He just does not want to hear it.

Your last line:

"Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her." He needs to sit down right now and think about how HE is going to provide care, especially as SHE will not be in YOUR house.
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I am well aware I deserve better and No man is perfect unfortunately. However I’m venting about the situation and looking for constructive ways to make it clearer to my BF that his mother is going to need care that is more involved than he thinks will be so easy to handle. He seriously thinks she won’t be a problem and I’m being selfish for not wanting to help his mother out. He says he doesn’t expect me to take care of her, I just know when he figures out I’m not over exaggerating about how much work it will be and that he can’t afford the type of care shell need in the future, that he’ll give up (lazy) and just think I can do it because she’s already there and he won’t ask her to go to a nursing facility because he thinks that disrespectful to her. I know she’s not my responsibility and I’ve told him my boundaries and he’s not being mean about it, he’s just saying that he has to take care of her and I should understand that he has that obligation he can’t ignore. But he’s a man and doesn’t think about all the scenarios and details and just thinks he can fix the problem with a quick, move her in solution. I just need to find a way to make him realize it’s not in her or my best interest, she has a way to stay where she’s at in a one level home and have enough money to live on for years. He’s just feeling guilty that she’s scared about money, but it’s her fault and she needs to be told she’ll have to live on a budget and he is a mommas boy and doesn’t want to upset her. He is going to be paying the mortgage payments for our house alone and paying for whatever I can’t afford with my finances, but my point was that we are equal owners and I chose the house we bought for the third bedroom specifically for my daughter, should she need it or
visit and now that won’t be what it’s used for and I should have an equal say in who lives in our house. I couldn’t qualify for a loan by myself, and he couldn’t make a large down payment but could easily get a loan because he has a great job. It’s an equal financial deal and he treats it as such, he just thinks he has no choice but to move her in with us. He’s the only child or family she has so he feels extremely guilty. I have laid out my boundaries and I will stick to them, I just don’t think he realizes that I won’t back down or give in when it affects my health or my children. I only feel He’s disrespectful in the sense that he thinks his mom has the RIGHT to live here, he’s not taking into account that it’s my home too and just because he has obligations and responsibilities to her, that doesn’t mean I do. I think it’s disrespectful that he thought it was a GIVEN that she would move in, not to ask what I thought about it first. Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he was shocked at her news about her financial mess and he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her, not even the moving in specifically, just in general. He wanted me to know we might be strapped for cash if he needed to help her out was his point.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
As long as you don't marry him you can force a sale on a home that has both your names on the deed any day you want to. So tell hubby that the day his Mom comes to stay is the day that he has sold his house. How about that for a good threat????
Of course your daughter is on HER own also, and just as well. We own a two flat and live in the upper. Our agreement before buying is that NO FAMILY or FRIENDS EVER live downstairs. Has worked for 34 years really really well.
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So... your boyfriend came home from seeing his mother, and reported that she is worried about money, and that he is worried about her, and it took off from there, did it?

I hope you feel better for venting (I mean it, I hope you feel better), and I hope he's calmed down a bit too, and perhaps both of you could ask MIL what the situation is and what she wants to do about it.

And if you really can't discuss this issue in a constructive way, the two of you, presenting a supportive but united front to other people you care about - then why are you buying a house together? Maybe you're dodging a bullet.
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Cancel the closing.

Break up with the "boyfriend".

These two sound like professional grifters.

Don't be their victim.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
I’ve known him since I was 13, grew up in the same hometown. He’s not a grifter and his mom lives back home, 15 hours away and that’s why he’s so worried about her living alone now with her financial issues. The house was my idea and I had to convince him that I wanted to use my savings for it, he is very against me using my savings but I can’t get a loan without a full time job so he is getting the mortgage and I’m listed as the owner, nothing is shady. I hate wasting money on rent and I wanted a home for me and my kids, not a rental home. I just need ideas about how to make him
understand this isn’t a good knee jerk solution to her problem and that it’s not being disrespectful to her to try and find other ways to fix it without her moving in with us for what could be a long time and he just has no idea what caregiving entails.
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You would be wise to NOT put his name on the mortgage.

Sorry, sounds like he is using you and creating a situation where you will be financially dependent on him. Red flags of abuse are frantically waving as I read this.

If you buy this house, this is what your life will be. A lazy, disrespectful male, doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it effects you.

You should run now and let him figure it out with his mommy.
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I would not put down $35K to close unless BF makes it clear to Mommy, in writing, that she will never live there no matter what.
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I stopped reading your post when you said that your boyfriend is lazy and disrespectful. Why on God's green earth would you want to "buy" a house with him( even though it sounds like you're spending all your money and not his)and then have to take his mother in if needed, with a man who doesn't respect you?
I think it's you that needs some help here and need to reevaluate what exactly you're doing here. This is not going to get any better you know. You and your children deserve so much better. But I don't think you know that yet. You obviously have had issues in your past that makes you believe that you deserve to be disrespected and have to support a man.
I'm here to tell you that you're doing it all wrong, and I hope after you read more of the responses on here that you will have a "lightbulb" moment, and perhaps even back out of the closing of the house. That is unless it's just for you and your children.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
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MaryKathleen Feb 2022
I agree, why would you go through with escrow? I would bail even if I lost the earnest money.
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