My wife, her daughter and myself live in a tiny 2bed apartment. My brother is wealthy, lives in a large home with his wife on the coast about 3 hours from the city that both my mom and myself live in. I have a full time job and am having to care for my bedridden wife and now step daughter whom has cancer. There's no way that I can care for all three. Is it unreasonable for him to move our mom into his home or into an assisted living or nursing home near his home. He actually could financially pay for most or all of the cost of a nursing home or hired caregivers but doesn't want to. He also knows that I am struggling financially and cannot split the costs of nursing home or assisted living care. I need some input on what to do. Some thoughts would be helpful too. Thanks!
Your family has priority over Mom. Brother is just going to need to find resources for Mom. If she still lives in her own home, maybe he will need to move her into his and hire people using her SS money and any she has saved. If she is low income, maybe Medicaid can help with in home care. Office of Aging is a good place to get this info. Tell him you hate putting the responsibility on him but your plate is full.
Saw ur reply to Ikdrymom. I don't think anyone feels you think its all your brothers responsibility. You just are not in the position to help at this point. And probably won't be for a long time. If brother is pushing this, it he who is being unfair.
What costs has your brother had to "take upon himself"? You have done a lot over the past few years by being the chauffeur. (And I bet you've done a lot more than that!)
What is your stepdaughter's prognosis, and how did she come to be living with you (and when)? Where is her father? Caring for your bedridden wife with MS is enough for one person.
Your mother broke her hip. When?
And since then, you and your brother have discussed her care. I now begin guessing - he makes quite a lot of assumptions, such as that your mother will want to stay where she is, that you're nearby, that it's obviously more practical and convenient for you to be her primary caregiver than it would be for him. And he assumes that you assume the same.
So during this conversation, what was actually said about the options of moving her temporarily to his area, either to his home and hiring support services, or to a suitable nursing or rehabilitation facility?
Has either of you talked to your mother about what next? Where is your mother at the moment?
People say it ALL the time - the Carer needs to look after themself too.
Is there any hope for improvment for your Wife & StepDaughter? I hope so.
But rather than have just hope your Brother comes to his senses... coz his expectations are cray-cray btw, change that to Active Hope. (It's a new buzz phrase I kind of like).
Active Hope includes hope but also setting realistic goals & taking steps toward them. Your goal may be to stand up to your Brother. Tell him it's just not possible for you to do more. Ask that you work together to find a solution for Mom (with Mom included). Or even better, he & Mom work it out (as you are already swamped). If you are not heard, ie he is still an insensitive oaf, ignore him & let Mom plan for herself.
What's the deal with Mom? Is there a current health crises or are you feeling the future pressing in?
Sorry for a lot of questions.. I have an out-of towner that expects I will fix all too. So I am happy to chat.
You have enough on your plate. You definitely don’t need another weight heaped on top of the heavy load that you are already carrying.
If your mom cannot pay for her care she can apply for Medicaid.
Your brother has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to be responsible and doesn’t have any qualms about dumping it in your lap.
He pushed you. Push him back! This isn’t the time to sit quietly. Say no and say it loudly so he has no doubt that you mean it. Make him think about how ridiculous it was to ask you to do this.
I’m so sorry that your brother has caused you this grief. You certainly don’t deserve it.
I have faith in you. You have already taken the first step by reaching out.
Please come back and tell us what your brother said after you refused to consider taking your mom into your home.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Your brother should be ashamed of himself for even SUGGESTING you take on more than you already have on your plate.
Absolutely not, brother dear. Period.
Bless you for all you're already doing. Best of luck
Preparing for old age was and is your mother's responsibility. If she is indigent, government programs can be applied for.
"I can't possibly do that" is a very useful sentence to say to people who try to take advantage of you.
"No" is also a complete sentence. Don't argue with your brother or your mom. You don't need to justify yourself.
"I can't possibly do that" across the front. (All copyrights to you Barb of course). I will wear it with my "No" hat at the next family function 😂
Or.. a Xmas themed No, No No instead of Ho Ho Ho.
Your brother sounds like he lacks common sense. Good heavens, you have a 2 bedroom apartment. Does he expect you and your wife to give up your bedroom for Mom.... or your step-daughter to give up her bedroom?
Your brother will need to consider other choices.