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I have not posted for weeks. I have been overwhelmed with the sadness my mom is experiencing over not hearing or seeing from her son who lives in the same city! I have started to tell "little white lies" saying that he is working or he has a new girlfriend. The nurses agree that the little lies are better that mom worrying about him. Family from Europe are now calling me to find out where her son is and why is he not helping. I desperately need to talk to someone. My husband is terrific but does not want to hear about the situation any longer. He listens to the "cute or funny" things that mom says. Mom's dementia has gotten worse and she remembers me but no one else anymore. I have started to write a story about covid-19 and how it is making it impossible for me to go and visit her. I have now started to say "hopefully next year" It concerns me that the home that she is in has started to allow garden visits and there are 2 elderly friends that visit once a month. They need to be brought to the home to visit so it cannot be more frequent. These 2 ladies have taken mom's clothes and opened them in the back so that they are easier to put on. They send cards and notes, when they visit they bring items that mom might need like socks, powder etc. They bring pureed home cooked meals that the staff heat up. The church has gone once. I have been as patient as possible with my B but will no longer tolerate his vulgar, threatening texts full of his self pity. I have not heard from him for over 2 months now. Even the Trustee is concerned and fed up! The trustee has put all of my B stuff and now my mom stuff into storage but B will not respond to the Trustee to make arrangements to pick it up, nor will B pay for the storage. We have pictures and lists as both the Trustee and myself know that B will accuse us of "stealing" items. This has been 7 months of worry, sadness and anger. I phone mom and the staff daily. They are aware of the situation and are very helpful, there is just no other family involvement. How very sad for mom who has just celebrated her 100 Birthday. How do I cope without losing my mind?

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You need to let it go. When relatives ask u about brother, give them his phone number. You are not his keeper. You cannot make him see your Mom. As said, the trustee can handle having a letter being sent telling him he needs to contact them about his stuff. He has X amount of days to make arrangements to pick it up or it will be discarded.

I predict that if he has any money left to him he will make sure he will be found. I suggest when Mom passes you just let him go. May be trouble u don't need.
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NobodyGetsIt Aug 2020
Dear "JoAnn29,"

I couldn't agree more - let it go, "Butterfly72" doesn't need to be the go between anymore; let the adult brother answer for himself when relatives call.

You cannot make anybody do something they don't want to do - heck, sometimes I can't even make myself do something I don't want to do!

And yes once mom is gone, she needs to let him go to protect herself from a brother who may not only be trouble but, seems to be troubled himself.
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You say that your Mom remembers YOU but no one else. Good, in this case, perhaps. The brother sounds as though he will not be returning. Let him go. Let it all go. Legally, at some point, the Trustee will send a "lawyer letter" to the bro, giving him a time limit for making arrangement to collect his things from the storage. Let the Trustee and your brother handle it. Ignore phone calls from his number and emails. Your mother is 100 years old and cannot now remember your brother. Let it be.
I am very sorry for all of this grief, but you will have to let go of what you have no control over. Look up the Serenity Prayer. While I am an atheist, the truth of these poetic words cannot be denied. What you suffer from seeing the long slow decline of your Mom cannot be helped. But what you suffer from a brother who has disengaged from his family, whatever his reasons, is something you can control by not attempting to control it (if you know what I mean). You cannot fix everything.
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Affirming those who have said to let him go. You can tell your mom whatever therapeutic fibs will ease her mind about his absence, but for the other relatives, I'd tell them the truth: he's been contacted many times, was made aware of the situation and has not come to visit or even contacted his mother and you don't know why. Just keep telling them you're so sorry but you don't know any further info. I wouldn't offer his number to them. He won't respond to them, either. Let him be totally ignored so that he gets an object lesson in what it feels like.
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I agree, let it go. My brother was my parents favorite. He and Dad worked together for 30 yet when Dad had a stroke and declined brother rarely visited. Every time I visited them their first question was "have you talked to your brother?" When Dad died brother didn’t return calls and only showed up 2 days later, ignored all efforts to include him in in planning the funeral.
He rarely visited Mom after that, when she moved to AL he didn’t visit, didn’t answer his phone or respond to messages. Even his daughter was frustrated..
Brother died 2 years ago and I still don’t know why he pulled away. I can only imagine he just didn’t know how to deal with seeing our parents age and grow infirm. I think too, that he was the least successful of us 4 children and was resentful. So sad, I still miss him.
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NobodyGetsIt Aug 2020
Dear "Frances73,"

How sad for everyone involved even your brother if it was what you thought his reason could be - not knowing how to deal with seeing your parents age and decline.

I'm so sorry that this was the way things played out at a time when your parents needed his involvement in their lives the most.

I'm know you still miss both your brother and dad.
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I agree with the others but I think your brother should be sent a legal certified letter that he must respond in X amount of time regarding stored items and that is being kind. As he has not contributed financially at all to the costs of the storage within time technically he has no legal right to them. I don't know just what that time frame is legally but he needs to be set adrift as he has not contributed financially and more sadly with any compassion. There are people absent of souls. Countless stories on this site about them. Sadly in time your survival depends on erasing him from your life unless he changes which could be included in that legal letter. Then do what you are able to do for your mother and know that is the humane person you are. Humanity does not share DNA..
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