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My brother and his partner just moved in with my 83 yr. old father. Now, his partner is starting to harass me. Should I get my father involved in the situation or just deal with it myself?

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Your poor brother is attempting to be a caregiver while caught between his partner and his sister. A terrible position really. Please do everything you are able to get along with the partner for the sake of everyone, or gently tell your bro that you are so sorry, but you just can't get along with his partner, even though you have tried. Tell him that you have to pull away from care because it isn't really good to be there and not get along; it will cause grief for your bro, your Dad and you. Tell him you will do all else that you can do in terms of shopping, making some meals and delivering them, and taking Dad for rides, appointments, respite at your house. Not everyone likes everyone else. Would be the same perhaps if it were a wife you didn't like. So just be kind, be gentle, and try to see the very difficult position your bro is in. He loves you BOTH and he NEEDS you both. Best of luck. This all makes such a hard thing all the more hard.
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Maybe you and brother could go out to lunch and discuss Dad or just have sometime together. Really, its up to your brother to put his partner in his place. This person seems to sponging off your brother and Dad. Maybe you just need to tell him to shut up. Tell him you need to talk privately to your brother. Believe me I know its hard but stand up for yourself. Hopefully brother's eyes will be open that this is a form of abuse and he will ask the partner to leave.
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sbopie Sep 2020
Ya He's talked to him before and things seemed better but he's starting up again. I tried to talk to just my brother but he never leaves his side. I think he is sponging off my brother and now my father because he hasn't worked in years. When brother was at work where the used to live he would call and harass his son & wife. Drove them nuts. Now, their separated and I can't help feeling he had something to do with it.
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If Dad is competent, the OP cannot evict brother if Dad wants him there.
Why can't brother do the Meds. Or, keep the medication at your home and have 2 pill planners going. Fill one at your house then take it over and exchange it for the other.

Explain to brother that as long as his partner is nasty, you will not engage him. You will need to walk away and ignore him. He will eventually stop or your brother will need to talk to him again. Tell brother you have a right to see your Dad without his partners interference. If he can't be civil, you may need to ask him to go. Its not fair to Dad to hear you two fight. Make sure u tell brother you appreciate what he is doing.

Can you pick a time when the partner isn't there or is the problem you all work. I can see brother living there rent free but the partner should be paying rent unless they are married. Dad should not be supporting partner.
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sbopie Sep 2020
I do fill his meds at home and bring them over. He doesn't work and when I try to talk to my brother he's right there. Not letting me even speak to him. I'm about ready to say the h*** with it and let him do everything and not see him or my father but I love them both and we were a close family. Until he came on the scene.
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Don't put your father in the middle of this. Nothing he can do. However...you having poa can kick them out and hire help. Involve your brother big time and tell him to get his partner out of there or you'll have both of them evicted. Then do it.
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sbopie Sep 2020
Yes, I did think of that. I haven't done it yet because I know I'll never see my brother again.
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Have you asked your father, does he want them living there?
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sbopie Sep 2020
Yes he wasn't happy at first but they said it was temporary until they found a place but now I notice they're changing everything in the house making it their own.
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I would not put your father in the middle of this. You mention the conflicts happen when you are together so I would ask that he not be there when you visit - that should be simple enough to arrange, he can go for a coffee or shop or visit away from the house. I wouldn't be above discretely fishing a little to see if your father has heard you being trashed and is being manipulated on that side already.

I do wonder where all this animosity is coming from though, is it possible your brother secretly feels hard done by?
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sbopie Sep 2020
I have no idea what his partner's problem is I never have done anything to him. He's just nasty to everyone.
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You say you are POA but your brother has moved home to help Dad. What sort of help does Dad need? Is he failing mentally or physically? Why does the partner so dislike you? Is the partner good to your father? Do you speak with your father alone, perhaps take him for a ride, shopping, whatever, and ask him if the arrangement is working out all right for HIM? Because if he needs care and is enjoying the living arrangement I would say that is the first concern. Your brother seems to think that yours and his partner's relationship is having "misunderstandings". So I am curious if the partner is getting along well with all others such as his partner and your Dad. Is there any kind of drug use going on or anything that you believe is causing this off the wall, out of the ball park and continually attacking of you for no apparent reason? For now I would not involve the Dad. I mean, clearly if you are visiting at the home and the partner is being abusive you father is actually witnessing this abuse of you???? I would find out firstly if this is working out well for your father. As POA your first concern.
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sbopie Sep 2020
He is nasty to my nephew that lives there and I ask him if he's mean to Dad he says he isn't. My father has had 2 strokes and also seizures. He doesn't drive but was doing housework. I don't know why he's acting they way. He did that to my brother's son and now he doesn't have anything to do with him. My father just says he's mouthy but that is a form of abuse.
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What sort of harassment?
If s/he is interfering with your care of your father then involve dad IF he can do anything about it. If he can't then telling him will not be of any help. Another person you can discuss this situation with is your brother.
the big question is ..is your father being harassed in any way? If so that has to stop.
No one should put up with any type of harassment or bullying of any kind from anyone. If you are physically threatened the first thing to do is protect yourself and your father. A call to 911 should do it. If you think your father is in danger a call to APS would be in order.
If you are also being hostile that should stop as well.
Why did your brother move in with dad? Is he a caregiver along with his partner? If so are you "stepping on toes" when you come over?
So many questions...a little background might help
Who is POA? or is there one?
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sbopie Sep 2020
I am my father's POA and his Healthcare proxy. So, I need to check on him and fill his medications. My brother moved up to "help out" . As for his partner he was giving me a hard time where they lived before. Threatening to call the police for no reason. So, I told my brother I didn't want anything to do with him. My brother reassure me that it was a misunderstanding and he apologized. That we should try to put it passed us and try to get along that we had a lot in common and get along great. So, when he moved up here. I was a little uneasy but for my brother I would try. So, the first time we met we did get along but the next day he went off on me. Yelling and saying nasty things So, I told my brother this isn't going to work. He talk to him about his attitude and it started to get better. When he was nasty I would kill him with kindness and it seemed to work. Now, he's starting up again. Being rude and nasty. Almost unbareable to go to see my father. I'm sick to my stomach before I even get there. They only live 7 miles away.
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