Follow
Share

It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.


So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.


He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.


My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
coloradoproud, there are times when a parent may not want anyone in the room when they pass. They want to pass quietly without an audience.

Say your final good-byes to Dad and let him know it is ok to go, that you will be fine. I did that with my Dad, he was in a coma state, and he passed in the wee hours of the morning. His caregiver was with him, and she had called me. For me, I believe my Dad didn't want me to witness his transition.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It helps to hear how others deal with this type of life event.
Sorry to hear about your loss and thks again for sharing. Peace, light and love to you
(4)
Report
This is a very personal decision.

You've already been through this with your mother, so you know end of life is rarely as depicted on TV. So, if you decide you just can't be there to watch your father die, then say your goodbyes now, and let your sister and hospice nurse(s) be there physically. Just because you may be out of the room doesn't mean you are not "there." That being said, please do not let your relationship with your sister influence your decision. Make up your own mind and let your sister know.

It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey.

All the best to you and your family!
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
Pasa18 Dec 2019
Yes: "It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey."
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
What's the dilemma?

You have been caring for your father for a long, long time and this final ordeal is too much. You don't want to be there.

Your sister is arriving tomorrow, you don't get on with her, and you don't want to be there.

So that's two good reasons to make yourself scarce. Is there any reason you might want to stay?
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
coloradoproud Dec 2019
Well....don't really have any reason ...
I.ve had enough of it all. Every visit i would hear how lonely and bored he was. He read 4 different newspapers every day, did his word puzzles, played black jack on his ipad, watched lots of tv and would tell me things about ending his life. I would visit even though he would find a way to demean and criticize me.
Most of the time i would cry all the way home.
Yup i.ve had way more than enough! Thank you for helping me acknowledge it!
(7)
Report
I second all of those who encouraged you to take advantage of hospice services. I am a direct care hospice volunteer and am on a team that specifically does vigils. Our team does two hour shifts 24/7 when a family member cannot be with their loved one, but does not want them to be alone. You should not feel guilty in the least if you cannot or do not want to be there when your father passes, particularly given the situation with your sister. Some of us are meant to do this, but most people are not. That does not mean anything is wrong with those who can't. We're just different. Hospice is meant to be there for you as well as your father. Explain the situation to them and I'm sure they can provide guidance to you. Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
disgustedtoo Dec 2019
Awesome advice! I would also say that if/when he is in one of his more lucid moments, that is the time I would want to share with him, express your love and care when he can most appreciate it and you build a positive memory with it as well. Then when sister arrives, make yourself scarce.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
Everyone is different. If you don't want to be there, don't let people guilt you into thinking you should. I was not present when either of my parents died, and in fact, never saw either one's corpse. I did not want to remember them lying in a coffin so I never viewed the body and both had closed coffin funerals. It is more important how you treated them when they were alive than to be there as they draw their last breath.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
Health4him Dec 2019
Kathy, I handled my parents passing the very same way as you did with both your parents when they passed. I was able to get through the events and carry on with the grieving.
I reminded myself that even a rose doesn’t last forever.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
You have received many wide and varied views on being there or not being there, but only you know the true answer, and should honor your own wishes.

I believe that you should take a few moments with your Dad when he is lucid and tell him how much you love him and tell him that if you are not there at his passing, that it is OK, and that you will be alright, and that it is OK for him to let go.

Don't let any part of your feelings on the matter be guided or guilted by anyone else, they are your feelings and yours alone, and are perfectly normal and understandable. Your Dad knows you have been there all along in his journey and he understands exactly how you feel, you are his daughter after all, they do know these things. Hopefully your sister will now step up to the plate and have her own special moments with her Dad, you have done your fair share., and your Dad knows.

I pray that his transition is swift and peaceful, and do know that you have been an Amazing Caregiver to him. Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

When your sister arrives, fly the coop! You have done enough. It’s so hard watching someone decline.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much!! Really appreciate your feedback!
(2)
Report
Frqflyr is right. Say your goodbyes, and Thank him, and tell him how much you love him. Just know that death is okay. It is better for the people who are going than the loved ones who are here left to live on for another moment in time.


Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you mayday. I really Appreciate your feedback.
(3)
Report
dont be there and dont feel guilty- you have been helping your dad all these years- it is not important to watch him take his last breath- remember the good times and you having a good life is I am sure all your dad would want from you. Take care I know it can be tough - my husband went through this with his dad-
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Find a way so you won't be there. When sis shows up high tail it out of there. Is there a friend that you could stay with? Hospice provides respite care paid by Medicare. Ask hospice to get that lined up. Tell them you can't and won't do this. They will find a solution. It won't be the first time they have heard this.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for your suggestions. Grateful for you sharing. I feel very lost right now and miss my mom very much but i.m sure when the holidays are over, i will be fine. Thx again
(3)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter