My dad passed on Jul 14th. He suffered cardiac arrest following chemo. I had just dropped him off and 2 hours later he passed in my parents home. Any advice?

My moms pump busted at her house yesterday. Luckily she was there to feed the cat to hear the bust. 4 feet of water built up in basement. I have to force her to visit her house and feed cat most days. Just thankful she was there for this.

Anyhow, this morning I told her this is why you have to start spending more time at your house. She boldly claimed. "She is not ever going back to that house to live." That, "she will stay with me or brother." That, "she intends to sell."

She is extremely hard headed. I cannot express a single thought without being ask "why can't I just give her TIME." She says her therapist told her, "Do not let anyone rush your grief!" I do not believe me encouraging her to take steps to go back home is rushing her grief? I get that is a process. However, am I wrong to think she should also be mindful that moving in with me July 14th, day my dad passed away has been a HUGE change? She told my husband today "I help out!" "After all I've done for my kids and they can't give me time!"

I am just spinning my wheels. So many widowers tell me they would never put their kids in this situation.

You can see why an experience like that would put her off being alone in the house where it happened. Does she address it directly? - with you or her therapist or anybody?

Her therapist is right about not comparing herself directly with others. Comparisons like that can be helpful in feeling less alone, but just because somebody else is over a loss in 2-3 months doesn't mean she has to be.

She should sell and move, if it will be to traumatic for her living there

Thank you. I agree. I mentioned her starting to spend 1 night per week at her house with my husband or brother a d she completely clammed up.

She has spent little time at her house during day, but is making small efforts.

I tried talking again and she tells me "what I am going through is normal." I tell her, of course it is but avoiding your house is not. She 100% does not want to be alone. She told me yesterday, "i just wish you would say, come on mom stay here, and we'll get through this." Everytime I try to talk about it she always say, why can't you just give me time!!!!!! I am so angry everyday she is so blind to how this affects me. She will say, I'm not doing anything, I help out and you do not have to care for me which is true. But still I wake up and go to bed angry she won't toughen up and go home for me.

I told her about other widows because I've never seen anything like this and she rebuttalled them ALL and concluded by saying her therapist tells her not to compare her situation to others.

She said do you really want me going home and having a nervous breakdown!

You replied to me on Oct 31st

"Mom is 67. She was with dad since 8th grade. I truly know she would never intentionally want to stress her children. She is just truly shooken to the bones and in shock. She is physically sick at the thought of being alone.

After a huge explosion between she and I, she has taken tiny steps forward to spend time at her house during day. Hoping that becomes more routine.

I am ok with dinners and sleeping here for now! I think that is a good plan."

Is she still going home for the day and spending the night with you? If so, maybe after TG tell her time to spend weekends in her own home. Christmas is on Sunday so I would allow her to stay with you that weekend. Maybe New Years too. Or, keep up with home during the day, your house at night till after the holidays. Then its not will you but your going to. January will be 6 months. The timeframe she gave you. Now time for weekends alone. February. full weeks. Maybe you kids would not mind a sleep over with Grandmom once she is in her home full time.

At 67 your Mom is not old. She needs to be independent. She needs to have a life of her own. Meet new people. She cannot depend on you. I know a lot of Widows who were Moms age when they lost husbands. They have moved "forward". Note I did not say "on". She is going to grieve for a long time. Its what it is. So, be firm when you tell her, time for weekends now. When she starts, say NO Mom, you need to get back to your home and routine. Its not so much you don't want her living with you, its your helping her to get her life back. Some tough love. That little push. Do not give in to her. If you have to, don't pick her up on Friday night. Tell her you will pick her up Sunday night. Maybe start with Sat and Sunday adding on Friday and Monday, then Thur and Tues until she reaches the full week. Yes, she will be upset because she does not want to be alone, but she has to learn to be alone and she is not the only widow who has to learn to be alone with herself.

She is able to manipulate you because you feel guilty about not wanting her there. Get rid of the guilt and know that this is the best thing you could do for Mom. She needs that push. She also may need some grief counseling.

I tried talking to her again, she is just blind to it all. Says she just needs time. I just do not understand how she is so blinded by how my life has changed by her staying here. She is no trouble at all but it's a change and everyday I wake up angry. I wish I could be more accepting that she is lonely and wants to be around us but I'm not. Instead, I'm so mad she's put me in this position and to also have to have these hard conversations. It's common sense in my opinion.

Don't stop a.once a week grief counseling. Find a support group, go with her. These groups are offered by hospice companies and many churches.

You are being manipulated and while I understand your Mom is grieving and she is AFRAID more than anything, this is not OK. I am sorry you took her into your home as this enables this behavior and it will be difficult to remove her. You will need to "man up" and understand that grief, depression and anxiety often manifest as anger. You are not to blame for the death of her husband. And you have a right to your own life. Tell Mom you will support her in ways you are able, but that doesn't include her moving in with you. Do not get 6 months free. Do not pass GO, and do not collect 200.00. You need a sit down with Mom and you can do that with her alone of with the help of a certified licensed social worker in private practice who you visit first alone and then have the support of a mediating meeting. By letting your Mom into your home you have made her a tenant and a resident. Legally this is problematic as whether she pays rent of not she is a resident. She is feeling dependent and all of this is understandable. Tell her that you will help support her in the ways you are able BUT.................... If you cave to this manipulation there will be no end to this. This has been a terrible and a shocking loss for you both, but not talking about it, and the repercussions it has on both your lives is NOT THE ANSWER.

She is allowed to grieve, but she also needs to be moving on with her life. What she's doing is avoiding that part under the guise of grieving. In short, she's in limbo.

Sit down and have a loving conversation. You have a right to expect her to be making progress toward moving forward. She can sell her house and move somewhere else, she can return home, or she can stay with your brother for a while. Whatever she does, she needs to be moving forward, not staying in a static situation.

Insist that she join you in a grief group or counseling. You both can benefit from it, but it also might make it easier for her to do it if you're part of it. It might eventually evolve to her being in a group on her own, and that's good -- it's forward momentum.

I'll bet she's terrified of the "firsts" -- first anniversary alone, first holidays alone, etc. I think you should have the conversation with her now, try to get started on the grief groups now, and let her stay through the holidays at least.

My dad died the day before Thanksgiving in 2018, and his birthday was December 20, so we had a bunch of "firsts" within a month of his death. It was absolutely horrible for all of us. Surround and supportyour mother this holiday season, but also start her now on that road to recovery. She may think things will magically get better six months after Dad's death, but they won't if she's done nothing to move forward. Your job is to help her get started.

If you give her 6 months (which started on July 14), that will be after the holidays. Are you okay with the additional time beyond what she's stayed already?

Better yet, she should move in with your brother for the final (at this point, less than 3 months remaining in the 6-month time period). Why wouldn't she want to stay with him, her son?

What is her financial situation? Is she contributing financially to your household?

I think there is a good chance that she will not want to ever leave, and that YOU are the only plan she has from this point forward. That includes you being her eventual caregiver.

Send her home. Your situation isn’t abnormal or unique. The majority of women outlive their husbands, and the overwhelming majority of children outlive their parents. She’s going to have to go through the grieving process, and trying to hide from it at your house won’t help.

Send her home

Hmm. It may help to point out that while she lost her husband and is grieving…. you lost your father and you need to grieve too.

The “I’m such a burden” and “you don’t want me here” is manipulation. The tactic is working and will keep working if it makes you feel like a bad daughter. You’re not a bad daughter! You obviously love her dearly and you’re not helping her heal by delaying her leaving. It sounds like she is the child and you’re the parent in this situation. She likely feels lost and wants protection and guidance. And she’s thinking you can do just that. But you can’t… you’re grieving too and your kids miss their granddad. Her life is on hold as far as she’s concerned; your life with kids and such is not.

Don’t stay at her house overnight with her. She will not want you to leave.

As others have said, set a date for when she has to go back. If she can’t handle living alone anymore, maybe she can consider a senior community. There’s lots of widows/widowers her age in the same boat, and that support can help with grief.

Another idea: Ask her how your father would want her to be now. I doubt he’d want her to live afraid and remain dependent on you. If he loved the home they lived in, that love is still there. His abrupt passing doesn’t cancel out the good memories and love that still envelops the house.

She’ll be upset with you at first, but I think as time goes on she will understand why she needed to go back home.

Don't bug her right now. She’s grieving in her own way, and going back to her home where her husband died is understandably awful. She’s probably assessing how her life is going to be, and that’s a process. She may want to look for a new partner or husband, and why not? It might be the best thing she could do for herself. There’s nothing for you to feel awful about, but when she makes plans toward a new life (A condo? A man? A trip?) encourage her independence.

How old is Mom? The longer Mom waits to go home, the harder it will become to get back to her routine. Maybe start in little steps. Take her to her house during the day. Picking her up to have dinner with you and spend the night. Work into her staying by herself on weekends. I will assume that Mom is in her 70s, maybe less. I am 73 and I would not think of living with my girls if something happened to my husband. I have friends who have lost husbands in their 70s and they are moving forward. They have children and grands. Not one has moved in with them.

Do not disable your Mom. She has to learn how to be alone. You have two children who, if not already, are going to be involved in a lot of things. High School is looming. You and they want to enjoy these years. Tell her (don't ask) "Mom time to transition back to your own home so at the 6 month mark, your back in your house." No, she won't be happy and there will be tears but she needs to realize that you are not the option. That u can't fill that loneliness. She is going to need to find ways to fill the void. 6 months should be January. Let her stay during the holidays, these will be hard for her. Sometimes we have to give our LOs a little push.

Can OP go home.with mom for a short stay?

Following major life events it is common for therapists to tell people to wait a minimum of one year before making major changes. Mom isn't ready yet. Be patient and loving.

Pfam, I am sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and wisdom for this difficult time.

Has your mom ever lived alone? When my mom became a widow, it was the 1st time in her life she lived alone. She didn't do very well. It has been 2.5+/- years and she is still getting use to being by herself.

One thing that helped her was her dogs and she adopted a senior dog. It gives her purpose and company.

Saying you don't want her or being a burden is a manipulation tactic and it has worked. It is okay to tell her to knock that off.

I really would encourage her to seek grief counseling and make sure she has activities outside the family. No doubt she is scared and fearful of the unknown but, this is her new reality and she needs to learn to live in it.

Please find a way to feel your feelings, whatever that looks like for you, lunch in the park, nature walks, retail therapy or ???

Remember, you all matter, not just your mom, regardless of what she thinks.

Great big warm hug!