After my mom passed away my dad went into a depression. He depended on her to feed and guide him for the last 50 years. I told him he could come stay with us until he’s strong and I would help him back to feeling okay enough to live independently. Well.. 8 months later.. my dad depends on me making him breakfast every morning lunch and dinner. I was happy to do that for awhile but whenever I mention learning to do these things on his own he ignores it. Like he can’t bare the thought. Then he’ll tell me he has all these plans and never takes steps towards them just sits in his room all day watching tv or on the computer. I know he is depressed. He talks to a counselor every other week. Sometimes it feels like manipulation. I’m burning out!! My health has been declining since taking this on and I’m just looking for advice and opinions here. Thank you
Is he on any meds for his depression/anxiety? If not, maybe time for this suggestion. This could help him make the transition.
He's not going to allow you to have your life back so you need to insist on it. You're not responsible for his happiness. You shouldn't be his solution.
I had a father like this, Mom did everything for him. I told my brothers long ago that I would never care for him. My DH is very capable of doing for himself. Our mothers did us daughters no favors in spoiling our fathers. You tell him what my SIL says to my brother "I am not your mother" when he is acting like my Dad. If you are getting breakfast for everyone else then why not Dad too. But, if he gets up late or earlier than your family then its "the cereal is in the pantry and milk in the fridge. Please clean up when ur done" I don't eat lunch as such. Your doing something or going out "Dad there is lunchmeat in the fridge and bread in the bread box."
Dinner your getting that for everyone, why not Dad. He should be making his bed and keeping his room straighten up. Cleaning up after himself.
My GFs daughter is always involved in something. I asked her how does she do it. She said she suffers from depression and keeping active helps her stem it off. I would get Dad to the doctors for some depression meds. Then I would tell him time to go home. You need to get back into a routine. You need to learn to take care of yourself. You could stop in daily making sure he is OK backing off little by little. Maybe making a call once a day checking on him. But do not be at his beck and call.
Give your father referral to a good counselor. Clearly the present one isn't working.
Tell your father that you have to get on with your life now, and you hope he will do so as well.
You will need to make a choice for your own life. And if you decide to STAY and do as you are doing in enabling this behavior that is one CHOICE of yours. If you tell Dad a date in one or two month time when you are leaving that is another choice of yours. You will, as an adult, have to assume responsibility for your own choices.
You did not create the problems of aging and you cannot fix them. You have a right to your own life, but you will have to CLAIM that right. It doesn't just land in your lap. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I find that sympathy often blocks our ability to get the facts. Again, this is YOUR CHOICE. If you yourself need a counselor to help you make this choice, then do avail yourself. I wish you and your dad the very best and am so sorry for your sad loss.