My daddy has dementia and has always been a little controlling, but now he seems to be different. He is 79 yr old and he has a strong personality. He lives with me and yells a lot. How can I help him. I am new to this.
This may be a silly idea, but could be worth a try. Could you set up a little game with your father, when you tell him that sometimes he really needs a nurse, not a little girl, and you will play ‘nurse’ with him. Get yourself a white coat, put a red cross somewhere on it (stitch on red ribbon), wear spectacles (get chemist specs at ‘1’ magnification), and call him Mr X and Sir. Be formal about what you need to do. Get him to call you ‘nurse’.
It could just perhaps be a game that he would enjoy and play along with. It might get more helpful as time goes on, and right now the little game might fit in with the way the two of you are used to acting. And good luck, whatever you do!
Hi ya'll Thank you for your advice. Daddy has a dr appt Monday to test for uti. Daddy had cancer but that was yrs ago. Mama died three yrs ago. I am an only child. Daddy has early dementia. He came to live with me because his friend/finances manager/assistant found daddy doing crazy things like put bread in the freezer or lossing his car keys, writing big amount on checks to young women. Daddy didn't want to move in with me but his assistant and my hunband talked him into it. Daddy did make a joke about he paid for the ____house he guess he should live in it for awhile. He thinks he will get better and go home. I don't have the heart to tell him different. And my husband and daddy's assistant won't tell him either.
My daddy go to daycare, oh can't see that happening anytime soon. He still has his wits most the time.
My daddy tells people to jump they jump. This is so different and new. I don't know how to take control of him. He has always seen me as his little girl and I have let him. I am a bit spoiled and I do play like I am helpless with him. That is just how we interact with eachother. I am his little girl and he is the hero.
Bellator, your profile explains that your father has cancer, is that correct?
So, if so, just to go back a bit: your father has moved into your home so that you can care for him. When did that happen?
If you wouldn't mind saying a little bit more about the situation, it will be easier for us on the forum to suggest helpful ideas. For example - are there any other services or people there to support you, what treatment is your father having, how much planning and discussion was there before it was decided your father should come and live with you, that kind of thing.
If your father has always been "the boss" it is going to be difficult for you to take charge. That's a problem not only because it's very unpleasant for you, in your own home! - but also because as he becomes more ill and more frail your father is going to *need* to lean on others and let them control what happens. It could be that this is already part of what is making him angry and shouty; and it could be that it would be best to go back to the plan and rethink it.
But anyway - enough of me whittering at you! Welcome to the forum, and please do come back and tell us more.
Breathe, know it is not you. It is him. And as 97mom said, go to doctor and see if he has a UTI ... UTIs SUCK, and they are curable. AND THEY GET BAD REAL FAST. It is probably one of the easiest things to diagnose, and if you are right IT WILL BE ONE OF THE EASIEST THINGS TO CURE. Start with that first.
Next, he knows he is losing control, and he hates it, so he is going to lash out. demention and ALZ can make a person change pretty quickly.Some people are ok and get mean. PATIENCE. LOTS OF IT.
You are lukcy your husband is on board with dad living with you? Very nice, for now, but patience may run thin.
any more family members to help out? Dad bought you and hubby the home. Perhaps dad didn't know quite then when he did this for you, but he may have planned to stay with you when he got bad.
You deem this your home, and he needs to help out with the chores and know the rules. give him some fun things to do in and around the house if he can.
Your dad is the tough guy and I bet he had always everything his way, or its the highway.And he knows he is losing "the hands on" everything. Tell him it's okay, he taught his daughter good. Have him check the oil in your car every so often. Did he ever do that? Hey dad, can you wash the windows on the car? The bathrrom mirror needs to be cleaned, can you do that for me while we get dinner ready? Dad, remember that movie we saw when I was a kid? We both just loved it.I remember you loved this song dad, play it. Try to make it fun. Try to find some of his old friends and ask them over for a lunch. It's easier said than done. Keep your heart open, and keep a smile on your face. And Yes, IT IS OKAY to tell dad, its time for your walk, or your computer class, or going to the store. even if you don't have to.. Just go, and open up the detergents and smell them, smell the Glade candles, deoderants, whatever it takes to get out of house for an hour so he can calm down, and perhaps forget what he was upset about. If he starts in on it again, apologize, and tell him "I thought we figured it out and discussed it." Is there something else you need to add to the subject? If you can get him to go to daycare everyother day, or interested in a group gardening class, or something held at the library.......Make him useful if you can,
Get your father to a doctor. He may have a UTI which can make him radical. If not that, then he may need medication to help him adjust to what he is going though or he may be reacting to meds he is already on. Get him checked out. Start there. Note: sorry I didn’t see the posts you had already received. I do think you need to have him see a doctor but I would also like to add that you need to do a lot of reading on this site. You will not help your father by allowing him to run rough shod over others. Read your post and then your replies. You are resisting the advice you are being given. Each person is unique but this disease is predictable. You and your husband matter too. You can help him by setting boundaries in order for you to hold up to the demands that his disease will require. Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Educate yourself and pace yourself. This is a long hard path. Right now you sound like you are in denial. That’s okay you may need to be there a bit but it won’t help him in the long run and that was what you asked for help with.
Your funny. My husband knew what he was getting into when he married me. My daddy bought the house for a wedding gift. Yes. My husband paids the bills. My husband is very lay back and he lets what my dad says roll off his back.
I don't know if I could be the boss of my daddy. Lol I will try walking away from him when he yells. We will see how that goes.
I am sorry I will need to take baby steps. This is all so new.
Bellator, I am sorry that you are having to deal with dementia. It is not fun or easy. Anger and upset are normal. His brain is broken and he is probably confused and agitated by his condition.
Personalities tend to get larger with dementia, all stops and filters are gone, so whatever your dad was, will be what he is, only more so.
Have you tried telling him not to yell? Sometimes just saying that it is not okay can work. Sometimes you have to remove yourself. It is never a good idea to engage with anger. Trying to redirect the conversation can be helpful.
I would tell his doctor that he is being more aggressive and you would like to try a medication that can keep him calmer. Sometimes people get so out of control that they are hospitalized to find medications that will keep them and those around them safe.
Do you have any help caring for your dad? If not, now is the time to start getting that lined up. You need to take care of you and it is so easy to not do that when caring for a parent that has dementia. They are all consuming and it is really important for you to start early in your journey taking care of yourself as a matter of course.
Come back and use agingcare as a source of help for you. Welcome!
Thank you. I have asked him to not yell but he tells me to watch my mouth young lady. Lol I have a husband who my daddy doesn't care for but my hunband does help. Thank you
Bella, the usual advice is that if he yells, you walk out and say that you will return when he feels better. You need to repeat many times before it will sink in that he is getting nowhere by yelling. Alternatively just ignore it because his brain is broken. One little thought is to call him by his name, not ‘Daddy’. He is treating you like a child who needs to be told off, and perhaps ‘Mike’ or whatever might help to change the dynamic.
Thank you. I will try to walk away. I will try not to call him daddy but I could never call him by his name. I was taught that is disrespectful. Maybe just dad or father.
It could just perhaps be a game that he would enjoy and play along with. It might get more helpful as time goes on, and right now the little game might fit in with the way the two of you are used to acting. And good luck, whatever you do!
Thank you for your advice. Daddy has a dr appt Monday to test for uti.
Daddy had cancer but that was yrs ago. Mama died three yrs ago. I am an only child. Daddy has early dementia. He came to live with me because his friend/finances manager/assistant found daddy doing crazy things like put bread in the freezer or lossing his car keys, writing big amount on checks to young women. Daddy didn't want to move in with me but his assistant and my hunband talked him into it. Daddy did make a joke about he paid for the ____house he guess he should live in it for awhile. He thinks he will get better and go home. I don't have the heart to tell him different. And my husband and daddy's assistant won't tell him either.
My daddy go to daycare, oh can't see that happening anytime soon. He still has his wits most the time.
My daddy tells people to jump they jump. This is so different and new. I don't know how to take control of him. He has always seen me as his little girl and I have let him. I am a bit spoiled and I do play like I am helpless with him. That is just how we interact with eachother. I am his little girl and he is the hero.
So, if so, just to go back a bit: your father has moved into your home so that you can care for him. When did that happen?
If you wouldn't mind saying a little bit more about the situation, it will be easier for us on the forum to suggest helpful ideas. For example - are there any other services or people there to support you, what treatment is your father having, how much planning and discussion was there before it was decided your father should come and live with you, that kind of thing.
If your father has always been "the boss" it is going to be difficult for you to take charge. That's a problem not only because it's very unpleasant for you, in your own home! - but also because as he becomes more ill and more frail your father is going to *need* to lean on others and let them control what happens. It could be that this is already part of what is making him angry and shouty; and it could be that it would be best to go back to the plan and rethink it.
But anyway - enough of me whittering at you! Welcome to the forum, and please do come back and tell us more.
Next, he knows he is losing control, and he hates it, so he is going to lash out. demention and ALZ can make a person change pretty quickly.Some people are ok and get mean. PATIENCE. LOTS OF IT.
You are lukcy your husband is on board with dad living with you? Very nice, for now, but patience may run thin.
any more family members to help out? Dad bought you and hubby the home. Perhaps dad didn't know quite then when he did this for you, but he may have planned to stay with you when he got bad.
You deem this your home, and he needs to help out with the chores and know the rules. give him some fun things to do in and around the house if he can.
Your dad is the tough guy and I bet he had always everything his way, or its the highway.And he knows he is losing "the hands on" everything. Tell him it's okay, he taught his daughter good. Have him check the oil in your car every so often. Did he ever do that? Hey dad, can you wash the windows on the car? The bathrrom mirror needs to be cleaned, can you do that for me while we get dinner ready?
Dad, remember that movie we saw when I was a kid? We both just loved it.I remember you loved this song dad, play it. Try to make it fun. Try to find some of his old friends and ask them over for a lunch. It's easier said than done. Keep your heart open, and keep a smile on your face. And Yes, IT IS OKAY to tell dad, its time for your walk, or your computer class, or going to the store. even if you don't have to.. Just go, and open up the detergents and smell them, smell the Glade candles, deoderants, whatever it takes to get out of house for an hour so he can calm down, and perhaps forget what he was upset about. If he starts in on it again, apologize, and tell him "I thought we figured it out and discussed it." Is there something else you need to add to the subject? If you can get him to go to daycare everyother day, or interested in a group gardening class, or something held at the library.......Make him useful if you can,
Note: sorry I didn’t see the posts you had already received. I do think you need to have him see a doctor but I would also like to add that you need to do a lot of reading on this site. You will not help your father by allowing him to run rough shod over others. Read your post and then your replies. You are resisting the advice you are being given. Each person is unique but this disease is predictable. You and your husband matter too. You can help him by setting boundaries in order for you to hold up to the demands that his disease will require. Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Educate yourself and pace yourself. This is a long hard path. Right now you sound like you are in denial. That’s okay you may need to be there a bit but it won’t help him in the long run and that was what you asked for help with.
That is only going to get worse. I am sorry to say.
When your dad tells you to watch your mouth, tell him as soon as he watches his.
You are going to have to be assertive with him to be able to help him. He is no longer the boss.
I don't know if I could be the boss of my daddy. Lol I will try walking away from him when he yells. We will see how that goes.
I am sorry I will need to take baby steps. This is all so new.
Personalities tend to get larger with dementia, all stops and filters are gone, so whatever your dad was, will be what he is, only more so.
Have you tried telling him not to yell? Sometimes just saying that it is not okay can work. Sometimes you have to remove yourself. It is never a good idea to engage with anger. Trying to redirect the conversation can be helpful.
I would tell his doctor that he is being more aggressive and you would like to try a medication that can keep him calmer. Sometimes people get so out of control that they are hospitalized to find medications that will keep them and those around them safe.
Do you have any help caring for your dad? If not, now is the time to start getting that lined up. You need to take care of you and it is so easy to not do that when caring for a parent that has dementia. They are all consuming and it is really important for you to start early in your journey taking care of yourself as a matter of course.
Come back and use agingcare as a source of help for you. Welcome!
Thank you