Wow that's so sad. So young to be in such a horrible state. But you need to take care of yourself and set some boundaries ASAP. How long do you expect her to be in the hospital? Is she actively dying or is her COPD terminal in that there is no cure and it will just get worse? Has she been evaluated by hospice?
Obviously you can not be there 24/7. Tell her what you are willing to do. Tell her you are too old, too tired, too stressed, etc. to comply with her unreasonable demand. That you love her and wish you had a clone that could help more but you have to take care of yourself and your health too. Any reasonable person would understand that.
If you have to, fib. Make up some ailment. How about a good case is diarrhea??? LOL. That'll give you a couple days off.
Hi MARYNC - I am sorry you're going through this. Did your daughter say why she wanted you? Just you? Or is she afraid to be by herself? Is she afraid of dying if you're not there? What exactly is her fear? Once you know what it is that she wants or is afraid of, then you can address it better. But you being by her side 24/7 is impossible.
Mary, your daughter is ‘currently in hospital’. She has ‘terminal COPD’, but is she expected to die in this hospital stay? ‘Terminal’ doesn’t always mean ‘soon’. If she is expected to leave hospital, you could have these pressures again, and more than once. My younger sister was diagnosed several years ago, after many years of smoking. COPD can always lead to sudden unexpected death, however much time you put into being with her, so you can't guarantee being there, whenever it happens.
You should get medical information from her doctors (and it’s essential that she signs a HIPPA to allow you), to give you the best possible idea of how this will progress. Then you can make a plan for that length of time, to give what you can to your daughter and to keep your own life viable. You can discuss it with your daughter, and come back to the plan each time she has a relapse. You simply can’t abandon all your responsibilities every time she feels scared.
Surely if you explain to her as others have suggested, your daughter will have compassion for you. You might talk about how many hours you’re comfortable being there with her - like four hours a day and available by phone at certain hours. You might find a volunteer at the hospital to take her under her wing. If she’s a religious person, asking a minister to come to sit or pray with her every day might help. I’m so sad for both of you, but daughter is a grown woman and has probably coped with many difficult situations in her life. This is another one, and she may be stronger than either of you thinks.
You get around this issue by explaining to your daughter that you simply cannot physically DO this for 24/7 any longer; that you're burned out and depressed, and this whole situation is now threatening YOUR health and stability. You'll sit with her from X time to X time on X days each week and that's all you can give her; I love you honey, but I have to take care of myself too.
Has hospice services been called in for her yet? If not, you may both want to look into their services so your dear daughter can get anxiety meds to help keep her calm and as relaxed as humanly possible.
I'm so sorry that both of you are dealing with such a situation and pray that God grants you the serenity to cope with all that lies ahead.
I am so sorry you and your daughter are going thru this. And she is young for all these medical problems.
See if the hospital provides comfort care. You just have to explain that at 76 (I am almost 73) that you are just too overwhelmed to be able to sit with her 24/7. She needs to realize that ur 76 and you need a good night sleep to deal with what happens daily. And hospitals do not make it comfortable for people to be able to stay for long periods of time.
The trouble with end stage COPD is that she gets anxious. The struggle to get more oxygen leads to this anxiety means she is suffering. Consider air hunger as a form of pain. Shebhas struggled for a long thimr that she may not realize this as s symptom. I suspect she is not on hospice so there are certain medications that she cannot have. This is something you cannot fix. She has to face this anxiety and your presence will not do it for her. So do not feel guilty.
Obviously you can not be there 24/7. Tell her what you are willing to do. Tell her you are too old, too tired, too stressed, etc. to comply with her unreasonable demand. That you love her and wish you had a clone that could help more but you have to take care of yourself and your health too. Any reasonable person would understand that.
If you have to, fib. Make up some ailment. How about a good case is diarrhea??? LOL. That'll give you a couple days off.
Good luck!
You should get medical information from her doctors (and it’s essential that she signs a HIPPA to allow you), to give you the best possible idea of how this will progress. Then you can make a plan for that length of time, to give what you can to your daughter and to keep your own life viable. You can discuss it with your daughter, and come back to the plan each time she has a relapse. You simply can’t abandon all your responsibilities every time she feels scared.
Has hospice services been called in for her yet? If not, you may both want to look into their services so your dear daughter can get anxiety meds to help keep her calm and as relaxed as humanly possible.
I'm so sorry that both of you are dealing with such a situation and pray that God grants you the serenity to cope with all that lies ahead.
See if the hospital provides comfort care. You just have to explain that at 76 (I am almost 73) that you are just too overwhelmed to be able to sit with her 24/7. She needs to realize that ur 76 and you need a good night sleep to deal with what happens daily. And hospitals do not make it comfortable for people to be able to stay for long periods of time.
Be empathetic, though. Being in the hospital is terrifying for some people.