My dementia mom slapped me yesterday and I slapped her back. Advice?

I too have been at that peak moment of frustration. Time to step back even if it is just for a brief moment. Get to know signs of frustration and avoid a standoff that leaves you vulnerable. Consider the options and pick your battles.

Your mom can not continue living alone. She either needs full time caregivers or You and your family if any move in with her, she move in with you. With both of these you will still need caregivers to help out. Or you need to find Memory Care for mom.
The doctor needs to give an accurate diagnosis. The more accurate the better. By this I mean the type of dementia she has can be very important.
You need POA and if a diagnosis of dementia is already in her medical files she might not be able to sign the papers giving you POA you may have to resort to becoming her Guardian. Please consult with an attorney that knows Elder Law.

Tcoupe,

Thanks for your warm response. It's not easier for me to be stern with some of the clients, especially the ones I've gotten attached to over the years.
I would have no problem being so with either of my parents. In fact, I am not willing to provide the care to my parents that many of my clients have needed.

I'm not that concerned with your mother's behavior as I am with your reaction to it and your state of mind. Caring for a parent with AD is an indescribably, emotional experience. I can't blame you for striking back. I actually applaud you, not for that moment of regret, but for your trying to understand what's going on with your mom, by taking classes, participating in support groups, and even trying to resolve your pent up anger.

You say “we have to stop all of this backing and forthing and start focusing on reality.” But, sadly, you can't focus on reality, you don't know what hers is. No, you shouldn't have yelled at her. No, you shouldn't have slapped her. Did you tell her you're sorry?

Sometimes we're inclined to be impulsive and react in a regrettable way when we're confronted with situations that upset us. When caring for someone with dementia, you can't play tit for tat. And at the same time it's so hard to turn the other cheek isn't it. We try so hard to understand, but as a caregiver for someone with AD, we're treading on unfamiliar ground and we're going to make mistakes. Let those be teachable moments.

We all have our limits of respectful, compassionate caring. You need to determine what yours is. When we can no longer understand what's going on with our LO; when caring begins to affect our own health and wellbeing; when we feel obligated to care, it's time to look at other options.

You must take her to a certified neurologist in order that calming meds be prescribed. My mother takes Seroquel. It was started at a low dose & increased slowly as needed. I tell caregivers that my mother only hits/punches with her right hand…so stay on her left side when she’s agitated. It’s a wonder how she can’t lift herself up or turn on her own, but when in that extremely agitated state, becomes like Hercules!
Good luck & hugs 🤗

TC, I would encourage you to NOT be her hands on caregiver.

She obviously feels like physical violence towards you is acceptable and you are harboring a lifetime of anger with her.

I completely understand and I, personally, will NEVER be my moms hands on care because of her belief that she doesn't have to respect me or my personal space or my boundaries. Some moms think that they can do whatever they want to get their way, not okay.

You should walk away and be her advocate and daughter, because she will probably resort to physical violence against you again.

While you feel bad about what happened, you need to step back and realize that you're in a situation where your mom is not of sound mind. You are stressed to the max because no one seems to be listening to you. I know exactly where you are coming from. You do need to do everything in your power to make sure you don't react the same way again.
My Dad was dementia/Alzheimers and I couldn't get him to realize he was mentally declining and I was unable to get any one to to me either about what I was seeing. I was just told he is getting older and he seems fine. They are great at hiding what is going on to the professionals as they don't want to be placed in homes or have their driving privileges revoked etc. My suggestion is to get her to a geriatric doctor if she isn't already seeing one. If she is, and you are not happy, take her to another doctor. It took my dad being take. To hospital from him violently striking both me and my husband and reporting it as domestic violence to get him the help he needed. My dad left saying you're gonna regret doing this to me. I never did as he got treatment he desperately needed and while he didn't remember a thing.
There are patches for dementia depending on the how advanced it is. My husband uses them.
Best wishes.

Time to look at placement

This comment is prompted by BurntCaregiver’s post above, which was puzzling as well as a bit challenging. Her client with dementia reacted to fear caused by quite a mild physical ‘punishment’, and it stuck with the client long-term. It seems quite clear that argument or reasoning doesn’t stick, but perhaps the ‘fear’ reaction in the brain works in a different way.

Does anyone have more information about this? It seemed to work for the benefit of both Burnt and the client, which is not the way we usually think.

I’m sorry ur going through this. She most likely will forget. If she does remember she will mention it. Just give her a hug and apologize. Maybe u can find a doc she can mess with whom can communicate with her. I did slot of research you should watch dr Bernard snd dr Klaper they said eating a plant base first has a lot to do with healing the mind, body and soul. Sometimes as has been said , done medications can do more harm than good. Notice I said some. View on Netflix : the game changers, unwell, as the doctor. It’s ok if u accept my opinions and thoughts or not snd it’s ok to agree or disagree. No matter who says what I’m sticking to what I write just as well as others want u or them to accept. Bless All! It’s ok everyone. Be still. Accept or disagree it’s ok ppl. 😇💋😀🗣

Stand back at least 6 feet when you are talking to her. If you are walking with her, stand on her strongest side to block any future punches thrown. Forgive her; forgive yourself. Move on and change the subject if she brings it up: "I don't remember that, Mom."

Today I was feeding my mom and she pinch me so I pinched her back and she said that hurt me and I told her that it hurts me to and told her not to do it anymore and then I told her that I loved her I no she won't remember that she not to pinch . But I just wanted her to know how it hurts me just like it does her.. so just remember to let her know that you love her no matter what she does to upset you. And you will always be here for her no matter what she does to you.

...it happens but don't let your reaction happen again. As a caregiver I have had a walker thrown at me, hair pulled, scratched. You name it! But being aware of the aggression now gives you a heads up.
Take steps back out of arms reach. Tell her step by step what you are going to be helping her with. Dont just dive in and start doing them. It's confusing to them. Invading their space will not give good results.
Sometimes you need to walk out of the room ,take a deep breath and start again.
Reasoning with a dementia patient ...you'll never win. Always remember she isn't purposefully behaving like this...its the disease.
You might want to consult a psychiatrist who specializes in dementia. Finding out which dementia is rearing its ugly head is a step to helping her.
When I was caring for my mom and things were getting tough her primary doctor made that very suggestion. All I could think of was a new doctor....thats not going to be easy. But her dr made a statement that sticks with me today "You wouldn't go to an eye dr to fix a broken leg leg would you". Smartest move I ever made in my mother's behalf.
Hang in there

First off, my mother is 94.5, living in a Memory Care ALF with advanced dementia, and calls the other residents 'stupid morons'. There's 'nothing wrong' with HER, mind you, she's perfectly fine. Even though she's getting dressed to 'ride the subway to see mama' who's been dead for 36 years, and never mind there's no subway in Colorado. So, needless to say, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Many of these dementia sufferers refuse to accept or believe their diagnosis. It goes with the territory.

Now that there's been a physical altercation between you and your mother, you have been slapped in the face (pun intended) with the reality of the situation at hand. Mother cannot live alone and you cannot be her caregiver, plain and simple. She either needs to go into a Memory Care ALF or caregivers need to be hired to come into her home to care for her 24/7. It's just that simple. You stay the daughter, and let others be the caregivers. I will tell you that I could NEVER be the hands on carer for my mother; we have an oil & water relationship and always have. Dementia just exacerbates all of her ugly personality traits and makes her even more insufferable, so that's the truth of the matter, period. I choose to remain on half-way decent terms with her, so she lives in Memory Care. Otherwise, I may be where you're at now, no kidding.

Forgive yourself and plan the next move for mother. What comes next? Memory Care? In home caregivers? Make that call and then make it happen.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

You're no longer dealing with a rational adult, so try to cut out the physical stuff. Also, there's really no point in trying to get someone with dementia/Alzheimer's to accept the diagnosis. It's terrifying to one who can understand it, and it's pointless to one who can't.

If you can't be the adult in the room, then it's time to get help or place her in a memory care situation.

I'm not blaming you for losing your cool, but physical abuse isn't OK. She has an excuse, but you don't.

You didn't blow anything. No one is perfect and just because an elderly person (even if it's a parent) is needy or has dementia, doesn't mean that we all suddenly grow saintly patience for them.
If you have a lot of pent up anger towards her that's been evolving for a lifetime as you say, bring in hired caregivers to look after your mother. I know what happens to a person when they have to become a caregiver to a parent that they harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards because I live it. Only recently have I been able to start clawing my way out of the wretched misery being my mother's sole caregiver has turned my life into.
I've also worked as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years.
Even when a client has dementia, there must be boundaries even if they have to be forced. Sometimes you also have to be what might seem in the moment to be harsh or even cruel. Like when there's refusal to keep up with hygiene or changing soiled diapers. I have many times had to literally yell and swear in a person's face in order to clean them up or change them. The recovery from a bit of fear and hurt pride is a lot easier than the recovery from a UTI or skin sores because the elder is left in a mess.
People with dementia are often still able to understand boundaries and will only push as far as the caregiver will allow.
I had a client, an elderly woman with dementia. She was very aggressive and violent to her family and her other caregivers. She would hit, kick, pinch, bite and would yell every swear in the book and threaten too.
One time she bit me and I slapped her. Not in the face but on the upper arm. Not so hard as to cause an injury but hard enough that she understood I meant business. I also told her about an inch away from her face that she will not bite me. Then I cleaned her up, she ate a nice meal and was fine. I worked for her for a few years after that. Sometimes she didn't remember exactly who I was but it was never really a problem.
When she would start up with being aggressive and violent, all I ever had to do to get her to calm down was get close to her face and raise my hand. She'd stop right away. Her family didn't do this. That's why they all had bruises, injuries, and bite marks.
Even when a person has dementia, self-preservation instinct can still be present. The violent and aggressive behavior might not be safe with me.
You have to establish strong and serious boundaries with your mother if you're planning on taking care of her. I made the mistake with my own mother and let her get away with far too much. The caregiving will ruin your life if you allow this.

You wait 'til it's two in the morning and she soils herself just after you've got her all cleaned up. And it feels for all the world as if she's done it on purpose.

I think you should take this as a sign that you can't be her hands-on caregiver. She may well forget the incident - certainly it's extremely unlikely that anyone could or would want to take it further, even if she tells everyone down to the mailman all about it - but you never will.

At this stage it may not be possible to put alternative care structures in place (because your mother won't agree to them, basically). That needn't stop you lining services and facilities up ready and figuring out the funding, which will also give you something besides tearing your hair out to occupy yourself while you wait until such time as she is no longer in a position to refuse. It is neither fun nor pretty, and I'm sorry for your situation.

Why did she slap you?

Yeah, it's tough...had that experience with my dad. The dementia and anger that comes with it is draining and exasperating. For a skinny guy he sure could pack a wallop! I didn't hit him, but the response was there. I grabbed his arms and we "wrestled" a bit. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Forgive yourself and move on; learn from this and if the acting out gets worse, consider memory care for her.

Boy, that's really sad. My mom threw a knife at me 2 weeks ago. Luckily she missed. I've found when things are so tense, it's just better to defuse the situation and walk away. I used to scream really loudly in front of her and used to feel awful but it helped release some of the pent up stress. My friend gave me some good advise. She said if your mom treats you badly, you are entitled to show emotions as well, after all we are all human. It's really hard sometimes but if you have a close relationship, she will forget because you are the most important person in her life and that unfortunately is the person who gets treated the worst. Doesn't make sense but that's how it is.

Tcoupe, I hope others with direct experience dealing with dementia will offer their advice and perspective on what happened but I’m wondering if you could speak more about the pent-up anger you feel. Is it by chance anger over past mistreatment or abuse, etc. by your mother?

So often on this forum we see well-meaning folks struggling to provide care to an abusive or difficult parent. It seems to be an emotional minefield. Caring for a parent without these issues can be challenging enough on its own!