Please someone help me. I posted here recently about my narcissistic, negaty mother and got loads of wonderful and helpful support and answers which really has helped me to be able to discuss it.
I am 60 years old and I live in UK for 40 years. My elderly mum lives in Turkey and her only carer is my brother (57) who lives with her most of the time because he is separated from his wife.
He does a lot for her but he has some learning issues and can be difficult because he doesn't act his age and doesn't understand.
He is very kind. He has a lot of bad luck in his life.
They argue and fight ( verbally) ALL the time ALL the time and I call everyday and I hear it or get told about it.
It REALLY has an overwhelming effect on me . REALLY upsets me. I keep trying to help the situation.
I travel there and stay for 6-7 weeks at a time.
I help financially and emotionally but nothing changes.
I love them and dislike them at the same time because they have ruined my life and my soul.
How can I deal with this?
What would you do or say?
You say, "I will try but calling only once a day is out of question for my mum." YOU have control over your telephone. What is 'out of the question for mum' is irrelevant! YOU are the person who has to determine what is 'out of the question' for YOU since this dynamic between THEM is destroying YOU. Absorb that statement. Read it until it sinks in. THEIR behavior is destroying YOU, so what are YOU going to do about it?
You traveling there for 6-7 weeks at a time is MORE than enough. In fact, it's too much. Let it be enough to sustain you and your mother so that you do not feel the need to call continuously in between trips. That will allow you to have some R&R in between trips and stop forcing yourself to listen to the histrionics the two of them CHOOSE to live with. Remember that: They CHOOSE to live this way and so they do. You have no control over that.
My parents chose to stay in a dysfunctional marriage for 68 years where mom was chronically complaining that dad wasn't 'good enough' in every way imaginable. Yet she chose to stay married to him, and he in turn chose to stay married to a woman who verbally abused him daily. I was caught in the crossfire. So all I could do was move out as soon as was I legally able to, and to stay as far away from that stupid dynamic as possible for as long as possible. When I had to move them back to live near me when dad had to stop driving, I set down some very hard boundaries that they would never live with me, and that I would visit once week, call X amount of times, etc etc. It was boundaries to protect ME from THEM. It's a life saving technique designed for self-preservation. It's something you need to learn for your own mental health. You won't change the dynamic between your brother & your mother, so you can only protect yourself from the fallout, whether your mum likes the methods you choose or not, who cares? YOUR life is important here too!
Remember that.
Best of luck.
I am so grateful for the reply. and I love you for it.
You spoke about my situation so well.
My parents were also in a VERY dysfunctional marriage until my dad died. He couldn't take it anymore and he tried to divorce my mum but she made it very difficult so it didn't happen.
I got married (an abusive husband) and left the country to get away from it and my brother married (dysfunctional, abusive wife ) in order to scape from that environment.
It has played havoc for our mental health. My mum has a profound effect on both of us and we know we have allowed it to happen but we love her very much an worry.
Its the guilt trip she keeps putting us through . She is a very capable lady but she has old age depression and needs company but she makes it difficult to help her .
I will replay your words that MY life is also important.
THANK YOU
much love
She calls my brother so many times when he goes to away for 2 weeks to see his son and gives him so much ranting about that he is having a good time and she is lonely .
I couldn't even tell her about my sons weddings recently or even when we go out for a meal tor when we go away for a few days together because she makes me feel SO guilty.
I guess it is what it is.
I want to do painting and learn a language and a new job but I cant because she asks me to go over.
My brother has mad e little fun life for himself now and I am so happy for him.
When speaking to mum, "Mum, I don't want to hear it, that's for you and bro to work out."
When speaking to bro, "Bro, I don't want to hear it, that's for you and Mum to work out."
If they keep crabbing, "I told you I don't want to hear it, so I am going to go now."
I would stop calling daily. Let them have their relationship without you being subjected to it.
I have relatives that have this type of relationship and it is just how they connect. I can't stand it but, that's how they do it, doesn't mean I need to be involved or subjected daily.
Thank you for your reply xxx
Then, I'd say to just let them fight it out. They live together, your brother has to be mother's caregiver so let them handle their situation. Your brother stands up for himself. Good for him. Take his side a bit with your mother and make her understand that there is no one else to take care of and help her.
They've ruined your life and soul? Please. Isn't that just a bit dramatic? You live in an entirely different country and are separated from their dysfunction by many thousands of miles.
If it's really so upsetting, you could just hang up the phone. Or screen your calls to limit how much expose you will have to their situation.
I don't know you or your family, but I'm familiar with the kind of situation your brother is living in. That song has the same tune no matter what language it's being sung in.
He gets all the responsibility of your mother's caregiving needs and demands. It's all on him. You may have to provide a sympathetic ear for him once in a while. Or listen to your mother complain and carry on from time to time to take some of it off of your brother.
You're the lucky one and should realize that.
I thank you for replying and your support.
You are right. I suppose it was a bit dramatic to say they have ruined my life but there is more to the background story than that.
I do feel for my brother and I am SO grateful to him and god that he is there. Even though He is very kind and patient and I can imagine my mum drives him mad.
He goes away every 4 weeks for 2 weeks to see his son and that is his break for a bit. He has his friends when he is at my mum house.
I would love to be there for longer but I have a job here and my husband and family and I try to ravel there every 3 months and stay there for at least 4-6 weeks.
It is just a shame that she is so bad tempered with most people that no one wants to visit and she ends up not seeing anyone .
How do you deal with it?... By realizing that there is nothing you can do if they continue to live under the same roof. It sounds like they are both poor communicators and do not know how to communicate with each other and maybe others.
Unless she changes or he changes nothing will change.
Accept that and do not let their disfunction ruin your life.
I try but I feel so paralysed.
I feel so sorry for my brother. He has no choice because he needs a place to stay and needs money which my mum helps a lot but but there not a day or minute that she doesnt remind him of it.
I get chest pains after the calls and really feel unwell but I know ( I hope) they are panic and stress attack.
She wont come here.
It's like having a bad boyfriend, bad girlfriend. There is no way out, except for breaking up. There is no way to stop your brother and mother from arguing. My guess is whatever your brother's saying/arguing against your mother: he's right.
The only way to stop the arguing, is for them to separate: live separately. But that's probably not an option: because your mother needs help. The arguments will continue: because your abusive mother will never stop being abusive. And your kind brother will rightfully defend himself verbally. The only way to avoid abusive people - the only way for your brother to protect himself - is to make himself less available...Earplugs at home, being in another room...
You probably tried to be the peacemaker. Your mother will never stop being abusive. I hope OP you'll be ok, and your brother, and mother.
I do feel so bad for my brother. He needs a place to stay and money and my mum provides all that but there not a day or minute that she doesnt remind him of it.
I am just back but I need to go and visit again but to be honest I am so tired of it all.
She calls 6--8 times a day and each time is 1 hour or 40 minutes of just ranting, cursing , crying, shouting. I have to put it on loudspeaker or headphone and get on with my work or errands. I feel exhausted after it . I am so depressed and feel so lonely.
She is SO impossible in every way.
Is it bad that I dont want to go?
I get counselling to be able to deal with her and her behaviour.
Oh god I feel so helpless
Why am I so affected by it ? Why can I not just accept it and get on with my life ( which is dedicated to phone calls at the moment)
I would really appreciate your support.xx