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try love and understanding.did she show love and understanding to you when you were a child? if she did love you then it's only fair that you try to understand that she needs some one to love her and to be concerned about her problems.tell her that you love her, but you have boundries and you also have feeling.GOD bless.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Sorry, sonny7, not a good response. If you do not understand NPD, do not try to offer advice. Someone with NPD has no empathy and cannot show love and understanding. It's all about that person always.... that can never change.
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I, too, took in my elderly mother because she had no where else to go. I became her sole caregiver for three years in my condominium. My mother passed away at the age of 87 in August, 2018. While taking care of her, I was single. Also, I didn't have children.

Those three years were difficult and mom definitely had a narcistic personality disorder. As time elapsed her mobility issues became worse and all the responsibilities became too much for me. I had no help!

After three years of being her caregiver, mom developed a UTI and had to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. During her stay there, I talked to a hospital social worker and told her that I was finding it all too much looking after mother with no help. I also needed a knee replacement and was suffering myself.

The hospital social worker helped me find a nursing home for mom and she was admitted as a patient. This was wasn't easy because she became very angry that I was not taking her home.

A few months after her admittance to the home, I had my first knee replacement at the age of 60. Second knee replacement was at age 63.

Like you, I felt used up and burned out. She was never nice to me and didn't appreciate my self-sacrifice to see that all her needs were met. She went on to live another three years at the nursing home and demanded that I bring her home-made meals because she disliked the facility food.

Before mom passed away on my birthday, she did say she loved me. I had never heard her say that to me before. A week before her death she said "I don't want to go through this!".

There will come a time when you will need to ask for help. Your sanity and health is at stake!
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SicilianLady1 Apr 2019
Great post, Deborah!
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Oh! I feel your pain!! I have been caring for my NPD mother for over 7 yrs now and she doesn’t live with me, but lives a few doors down. She is 93 yrs old and still able to be nasty. And she doesn’t have dementia. My health went downhill fast and I was diagnosed with NHL - Or Non Hodgkin Lymphoma! Stage 2B! Can I say WAKE UP CALL!? So I set out to set up boundaries and tried to get volunteers to come to her house a few times a month so it wasn’t all about me. But no - I could never have her live with us. I would move out. You two are too close for comfort and this will never work. You are not her indentured servant and I am pushing you to change this living situation or you will die. Not sure what to suggest, but you know best. Senior housing? She would have more people her age. How old is she? Any illness? Oh my dear - Please get out of this situation and take back your life! She will be fine and you can continue to check on her - but from a different perspective.
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You say that you took her in because "she has nowhere else to go". Yes, she and you have options, she has never been without options for a place to live. Sometimes what a person needs is not going to be what they want. She needs a place she can be supervised. She will never love you nor have any regard for you. Call APS and say that you are in the process of evicting your mother from your house and soon there will be a vulnerable adult on the streets. Let them find her a place to live and if that means a group home, it means a group home. She won't be happy but that's not your problem. Happiness is a choice.

I know I sound like a b***h but sometimes you need to be a little cold hearted when stuff like this happens.
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cherokeegrrl54 Apr 2019
I don’t think it’s being cold hearted at all.....it’s called survival.....love and blessings to all.....
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Here is a general answer to all of the posts.  My heart is breaking for the sorrow these adult children are having to go through. As someone who has taken care of a maternal grandmother, mother and father until their deaths, believe this: No matter what you do, the parents whom you describe will never think that what you have done and are doing is enough. Many parent think that their children are their "property" and think that the children owe the parents for giving them "life".  I think differently. I know that those of us who are in our '60's and 70's were not the result of our parents wanting to give us life. We are the result of what is medically referred to now as "unprotected sex". If our parents had tried to abort us, they would have faced criminal charges. Just giving birth to a child does not make a woman a mother or a man a father.  It is how they nurture the innocent child who didn't ask to be born.  It does not give the woman or the man the right to bully, threaten, physically or emotionally scar their children. 

I know of young women whose fathers had abandoned  them and their mothers.  But when these young women are ready to marry, they say "I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle"!  They want to "dream" that their fathers who never even sent child support ,really loved them.
Al of us have been brainwashed to think that we are responsible for our parents even though I understand that the law says no adult is responsible for another adult.
A stepmother who beats her adopted children is not a mother and I don't think needs to be treated as a loving mother. I believe that the Bible says to "honor thy father and thy mother", not to obey them  and in biblical times, I doubt if most parents even made it to age 50 or 60 so there was no dementia issues to even consider. 

For the record, I took care of my maternal grandmother, and both of my parents until they died and it was an honor. But they never raised their voices to me.  My mother who was an only child, wasn't emotionally able to care for her own mother (my grandmother). I was the only daughter in an Italian family so I stepped up.  It cost me dearly in emotional health because I was doing it while coping with OCD, Clinical Depression and Adult ADD. but my mother did tell me about 5 years before she died at age 93 that she didn't want me to give up my life for her. It was a little late since I was already in my '60's but I'm glad that she said it.
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Psalms23 Apr 2019
My, my. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I identify with your perspective and am fighting desperately not to get stuck in the depression hole. Some people never bounce back to carry on with their lives.
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Why WOULD she need to have somewhere else to go? You had no where to go outside the womb of birth but into a pair of loving, waiting arms. I have no wastebasket to puke in even though I should at reading this.
Take a chill pill and realize that Ms Universe is a fallacy at best, and that internally there is a realization that it is YOUR turn now to act with decency and accept responsibility to be nice, get nice and stay nice to Mother. Request, solicit and ask for help but again, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER

Dr Coppertino
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MaryKathleen Apr 2019
Coppertino, I think you are way off base. It is wonderful you had a warm loving parent. Not all of us did. My own mother told me she never cared about me and it showed. Please understand that some of us had much less than perfect parents. Have you personally tried to care 24/7 with someone who doesn't love you and is not cooperative?

Taking care of a parent doesn't mean having them live with you. RBuser can have her live somewhere else that is safe. All that is necessary is making sure that Mom has a roof over her head, food, and access to medical help. That can be done at a remote location.

Rbuser, take good care of yourself. You must come first. What would happen to her if you died? Someone would step in and take care of her.

((Hugs))
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Hi there! My story is so similar. My 81 year old Mom just moved in with us 5 months ago. So many challenges I never saw coming. It has been so consuming. The key is to take care of yourself. Private time, rest and sleep!!!!
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elbyme Apr 2019
Hallo

i can not agree more with this person, but I realized as time is passing by, communication and calmness is the key for improved relationships.
I have a supporting family which is a great benefit, but realized I need to take care of me or neither will survive. I 'force' myself daily to do something that I like, e.g. painting, crafting, etc.
Initially she made nasty comments or queried my actions, but I persisted and it did improve my health as well as wisdom to guard myself against negativity by not really listening and making it my own (taking it from where it is coming)
Will keep u in my thoughts and prayers and know that u are not alone. Just receiving these daily already helped me a lot. Strongs
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RBuser: One thing is a given and that is that you cannot go on like this. You need respite. She needs a new place to live. Has she considered filing for Medicaid so that she can go to a Nursing Home? Would she be Medicaid eligible? In any event, mom must leave your house.
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Do whatever you need to do to get her out of your house. She will destroy you as mine destroyed me. I am still shocked I didn't die before she did, because God knows she tried. I am sorry to be so cruel but you have GOT to take care of yourself. She will taje everything from you and throw you under the bus.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
You know, the awful thing is, for years and years, I have always felt like I would be dragged down and have to die with my mother (or before) for her to "go". There is about 30 years difference in ages with us, and I want to live, but sometimes, sometimes, I feel like I am being sucked down into quicksand with her and won't be able to get out and live. I know it sounds awful, at least to anyone who does not understand NPD, but although I love my mother dearly, I am so looking forward to one day her being gone, and "my time will begin".....
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I feel compelled to quote a former colleague who supervised Mental Health Technology students in their practicums. She told me she always knew when one of her students was dealing with a client with Borderline Personality, because of how frustrated the students were. Dementia is difficult enough, add in Borderline Personality, and all I can say is YIKES! I heartily agree with everyone who has advised you to find alternate care for mom, and save your sanity!
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I have no advice, as my 91-year-old mom is also raging with NPD and I am exhausted from constantly defending my boundaries. Just know that you are not alone and that your generous spirit is bigger than anything your mother throws at it. Hugs and strength to you!
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Perhaps it is Time while you are Still "Alive and Semi Kicking" to Get MOM into a Nursing facility....
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Myownlife Apr 2019
AMEN, Parise!!! Yes, if anyone acknowledges they are unable to care for another, for whatever reason, then that person should remain guilt-free to decide in his/her own best interest to "let go".
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It is very, very difficult. I have the same issue so I got into therapy. I was losing my mind. I’m an only child and my Dad passed away when I was in my teens. Mom is Mom. She’s too old to change. Listen, you’re mother is on borrowed time. She only has you. Our mothers are imperfect, we are too. Be gentle with yourself. Find time to be away from her. Get respite care. Seek help. You will notice that you’re strong and you can handle this.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Genevieve, NOOOO!!! If someone is truly NPD, you are right that they won't change, but an NPD parent has never "been there" for a child, and each person needs to decide how much they want to "take" before they call it quits, and let an assisted living take over. No one should ever ever ever try to guilt someone into taking care of a parent who is NPD, or even not NPD when that person knows their own capabilities.
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This sounds horrible. You need to make some serious changes, for yourself. Caring for a reasonable person is challenging enough. This sounds insane and just not OK for you to allow your life to be demeaned and neglected like this.
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I don't know what state you live in and how old is your mom, you can apply for Medicaid and long-term Medicaid and can have in home 24 hr care for her. Lifts some of the burden off of you and she won't feel abandoned by you.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Oh big FYI.... Medicaid long term care will absolutely NOT provide 24 hr. care!!! If someone needs that level of care, they should be in a nursing home or assisted living.
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RBuster1 you have no idea how similar your story is to mine. I have been living with my mother for 3 years. Before that I have always been close by to my parents, literally within two blocks of them. I am 53 with a 25 year marriage and 2 adult daughters 22 and 20 and she has always wanted me to jump at her every command. My Dad passed in 2015 and after about a year of me picking her up after work, taking her to my house for company and dinner, taking her back to her house at 10:30 - 11:00 at night, getting her meds, getting her to take the meds then she would cry that she did not want to be alone for a half hour, just to have her start calling me at 6am to tell me she did not want to be alone. We finally decided to move in as her tenant upstairs was moving out and it would be a quiet place for my girls to have their "apartment" and be able to do schoolwork and have some privacy. She does not even really talk to me except when I go out to run errands, or try to have a dinner with my hubby or friends, then she plays the victim. I know she has some dementia, but my sympathy is really done. I have been caring for her my whole life. We immigrated here from Italy and she never drove, never wrote a check, always had me to take her to doctors, never really made me feel loved or special. I just feel like her slave to fulfill her every need. I so understand you and I am sorry for venting, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and if you ever want to message me and vent, feel free to do so. It really does provide good therapy for us caregivers. There are many caring people here who understand and do not judge us for being human and loosing it. You are a wonderful daughter and she is lucky to have you, but you need a break. Try to get away for a weekend. It is worth the money to have some of you back. Even if you check into a hotel nearby and just use the pool, gym, read, catch some movies, take a drive, walk, watever, you need to be able to be you...Prayers to you and good luck.
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Jean1808 Apr 2019
"There are many caring people here who understand and do not judge us for being human and losing it. You are a wonderful daughter and she is lucky to have you, but you need a break. " Will try to commit this to memory. I appear to be overwhelmed.
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I could have written this myself. I feel your pain. And I know the story is so much deeper. My mother is 91 - moved in with me 1 year ago and I look 10 years older. She is so nasty and manipulative. And she is also borderline, NPD, and histrionic PD. I even recorded her once and sent the recording to my siblings. They were shocked, but can't or won't help. She has no more money left so to put her some where is going to be bottom of the barrel. Not sure what is worse - living with her or the pain I would feel watching her in one of those places.
I told my one brother I need a break - what does he do? Brings me over some "weed" and says I should smoke it and chill out. Really?
My sister and daughter are wonderful listeners, my daughter helps when she can, but she has 2 babies and works full time. Sister lives 1000 miles away and has kids and a job. I recently went on disability due to severe arthritis. So I am home with the wicked witch a lot. I don't do a lot physically for her, it is the mental torment that is so disturbing. I am so tired and drained.
You are not alone.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Hi Sarah, the thing is, if you could just pull yourself together and think of yourself and your needs and have your mom go to one a "facility", most likely they would make sure she has the right medications and she would not "push their buttons". Any of us on the receiving end on NPD are the ones who get our buttons pushed and can't seem to manage. But, others not close to the NPD person won't be "managed". I hope this is coming out clear; it is past my bedtime :). Just know that you are important, too!!!
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now you know what she had to go through when she was raising you. if she loved you then , it's your turn to love her now. love knows no boundries.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2019
I don't believe it is the same at all. having a child around is completely different than having an adult with dementia around. Just think about changing the diaper of a child vs an adult. Totally different.

On my computer line on line 3 RBuser1 states, "She however didn't care much about me until she needs something". That isn't love. I don't see how your post built RBuser up.
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to myown life. i do understand npd. my mother suffered from it. and my wife has dementia, it's a full time job warching over her,but i loved them both ,so i never felt that caring for them was taking anything away from my life. it allowed me to try to repay my mother for the times that she had to care for me without resentment. now i hope that you realize that i have and continue to understand other peoples frustrations. when my mother died i was not relieved ,but i missed the times that we had togeather. my wife is 84 years old and i'm 85 years old .and we have been married for 66 yrs. i just pray that i live long enough so that i'm sure that she is taken cared of.. we raised 127 foster children ,so you see that she gave also of herself without questioning the times that we had to give up. she was, and still is a beautiful and a wonderful wife and mother although she continue to have dementia. i believe that this problem of dementia is the hardest on the care giver and the other membes of the family. i do understand your feelings. and i think that you should have another person to care for her. you have to set boundries and see that she quits trying to be the boss. your life matters too.i sign this off by telling you that i do understand your problems and i give you credit for taking care of her,it's not easy , but don't let it destroy your life.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
sonny7, your wife with dementia is 180 degree difference from a mother with NPD. I admire you for the the love and compassion you afford your wife. But a mother with NPD is totally different. She sucks the life out of me, a daughter, maybe it is different with a son, I don't know. But her upper lip snarls as if she is Miss High and Mighty and KNOWS what is best for everyone. I pulled myself together and planned a wonderful 94th birthday for her today.... and everything was fine until close to the end, and I just needed to "run away" and left the very end for my daughter, which I acknowledge and agree was not right of me, but it was the best I could do. Just like she is a young 94, I am a young 65 yr. old, and find it so hard to continually placate to her wants (not needs, big difference).... I need more out of life than taking care of what my mother wants... which is mostly to stay home and do nothing...... she does suck the life out of me... I am her doll... her playmate.... she knows how to do nothing on her own, she is someone who needs handholding to do whatever she does.... if I don't go to the living room to watch tv, she doesn't want to go (and stays in her room).... if I don't want a baked potato for dinner, she does not want one...... if I don't want to eat right now, she does not want to eat.... and so on..... so tiring to have a "copy cat" .... no separation.....maybe it is different for the son of NPD that it is for a daughter..... but you have absolutely no idea what it is like......
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Go and find out how you can put her on Medicaid (if she has little or no funds) and if she does, go ahead and arrange to place her somewhere. Someone like this has no concern for anyone except themselves and the resulting abuse and horrible behavior will destroy you if you keep them with you. No one ever deserves that from anyone and when it starts, it must be stopped and if it doesn't stop, out they must go. No one should put up with this type of relationship. You must not feel guilty - just go and get help - and move her out.
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Don't do this to yourself, RBuser. Narcissists don't truly love and you're letting yourself be damaged and depleted. No one should have to endure taunts and insults. I hope you quickly find someplace to put your mother!
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I don't have a solution except to say you're not alone and it's hard.
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DarkWolf013 Apr 2019
I was about to say the same. Not that it helps ease much of the pain we suffer when there's no exit.
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Actually, RBuser1, not sure there is a borderline NPD. I think "borderline" comes from the nice ones, such as yourself, who tries to be nice and not tag someone with the full deal. I only think there are some good days, and in my case, lately way more bad days than good.
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Countrymouse Apr 2019
NPD is one type of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline, in this context, does not mean on the border between normal and nuts - verging on being abnormal but not quite. It means on the border between neurotic and psychotic, i.e. the two main subsets of nuts.

And to give the classic definition of those two terms:

A psychotic has lost touch with reality.
A neurotic knows only too well what reality is, and can't stand it.
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Hey Countrymouse :) , actually I didn't mean technically or legally, I meant sarcastically, go figure! I did just mean "on the border" .... that there is truly no border, someone with NPD is full-fledged narcissistic, at least for those I know.
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There are manipulative people out there but only to people who allow themselves to be manipulated.
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Myownlife Apr 2019
Well, I agree, if you are an adult, but when it is ingrained in you and you don't realize it until your are in your 60's and that you were patterned this way from childhood, it is a different story. And after coming to that realization within the last two years of mom living with me, it is really hard to figure out the boundaries to set and go forward. It has a lot to do with never having time to oneself to be objective and realize what the plan of action needs to be vs. what I am capable of.
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Has anyone heard from the OP? I see one response from long ago.
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Rbuser1 Apr 2019
I am still here. Just tired. I appreciate all of the advice.
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I am very knowledgeable about NPD. My mother and sister have this. I completed numerous studies and read many books on this. There is no cure for this and you are unable to reason with them at all. I deeply sympathize with your situation. For your own health, both mentally and physically, you need to try to find her a place to live such as assisted living or nursing home. You have no obligation to financially support her. If she is unable to afford it, I am quite sure there are programs such as Medicaid or Elderly Waiver programs that will assist in financial cost of a care facility. Look into your local or state social services. Again, I totally understand what you are going through. The best is really to remove any contact with a NPD person, even if they are your parent. Don't ever feel guilty for cutting off contact. It is the only way to help and respect yourself.
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Davina Apr 2019
SeniorsHelp--Perfect advice. What type of studies did you participate in?
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Get some professional help to handle the manipulation. You have great insight into what is happening. If just may be that you two cannot be in a living together situation, and that placement is the only answer. You do not owe your very life to caring for your Mom. You clearly are seeing warning signs for your mental and physical health. If you are hurt beyond repair then your Mom is left completely alone without you. Get help with handling the guilt.
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update:
I had a medical scare last week and was in the ER for chest pains. Determined not to be my heart. I came home really weak from the chest pain and it was a not long after she was wanting me to do this and that and I knew soon she would be having some of my symptoms and be sick too. But more.
We have found her and apartment to move to but most of the details will fall on me. And she needs to go.
I don't know if I can take much more stress. I ache all over. I've also missed work for almost a week.
She has always said there is 'something wrong with you' that means mentally. I am so tired. Tired and have no anything left to give to this toxic mom of mine.
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Jean1808 May 2019
I am so so sorry. The same kind of bizarre health scare happened to me March 31. I am Catholic and received anointing of the sick on May 1. I am also in the process of an annual physical since April 29 and am now being referred for needle biopsy in the right breast - first of my life, but there is a huge breast cancer history in my family.
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Your living arrangements are not working. Only you can change the situation. Find out what resources are available for her in your area. Life is not a dress rehearsal and life is too long to be miserable. If you start making plans to move her out of your house, you may start to feel like there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel in which you find yourself.

And it does not matter that you have no children and live alone. If that's how you want to live your life, that's your choice.
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