I have recently moved back into my family home for personal unrelated reasons and I've been horrified by the way my parents are living.
To cut a long story short, my parents very obviously hate each other and their ill health is making things worse. The atmosphere in this house is beyond horrible. My mother resists any help whatsoever (despite being very ill).
The house is a mess and the food she insists on cooking is unhealthy (and I mean it's like gruel). I have been trying to alleviate any unneccessary difficulties and i'm met with constant resistance.
My mother particularly is very aggressive and has become quite argumentative and insulting (I know it's her pain that is causing this but i'm stepping one egg shells).
My father keeps himself locked upstairs.
When I say this place is horrible I am not exaggerating. There is black stains on the washing mats, crap on the toilet (that they haven't noticed) and what is worse my Mother won't let anything touched because SHE has to do it, but she can't.
My Parents are constantly at each other's throats. My Mother spends most mornings crying in pain and everything is beyond unhealthy. They refuse to have disability aids (I bought them an invalid carrier and it's never been used - it might aswell be sold).
In their minds, they are both compus mentus (which they are) but it's like they are resisting each other, resisting help. Frankly I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.
I cooked food yesterday and my Mother refused to eat hers because SHE hadn't cooked it herself and gave it to us the next day and proceeded to cook the next day (despite being in extreme pain).
To add to the issue, I have long been convinced that my Father has mental health issues and he seems to have resigned himself to just accepting this mess that they are both living in. I try and help if and when I am "allowed" to but I am often met with, "no I can do it myself!"
To be frank and honest, they need help. My father said he'd rather be shot than go into a home and my mother doesn't seem to understand that she can't do anything anymore. I feel like i'm living in some toxic environment. Since being here, I spend most of my time upstairs.
My mother can't get off the sofa, can't go to bed. I honestly don't know how she cares for herself. My father is equally unable to do things. It took him two hours to get out of bed so I could help him put cream and things. They insist on shopping, going to the doctors etc on their own and they're literally driving themselves to death.
I really don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice/help/guidance or words of comfort.
What is new is that you have inserted yourself into the middle of it.
Do not involve yourself in their relationship.
Move out as quickly as you can.
Find a way to move out! Notify APS, but not while you are still there to pick up responsibility for sorting out your parents’ problems.
Here is what I've told every stubborn senior not managing and their families who jump through hoops trying to help them.
"Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
So here's what you do.
Move out and leave your parents to it. People have the 'Right to Rot' if they so choose.
If they refuse help and won't "allow" it, take a big step back and let them fail. Hopefully there won't be a serious health crisis or other kind of emergency to force the help they need on them.
In the meantime, make a call to APS and explain to them the stubbornness and refusal to allow any safety measures to be taken. Then invite them over. Let an APS social worker see for themselves the unsafe conditions your parents live in. It's likely that they have dementia.
Do yourself and them a favor and take yourself out of the equasion here. It's the only way because if your mother won't allow you to "help" with their unsafe environment she will never accept homecare of facility placement unless it is forced on her.
I agree you can give them "the talk". Try that first. If they are rational and have any memory one or both of them will concede to the help. That's battle #1.
Battle #2 will be them paying for it (and having shell-shock at the cost).
Battle #3 will be allowing "strangers!" into the house to perform the aid.
Rinse and repeat if they have any short-term deficits.
Your father isn't mentally ill: he just hasn't been able to solve the overwhelming problems with an uncooperative wife, while having decline himself.
If you aren't their PoA or legal guardian -- and they don't cooperate -- the ONLY solution is for you to step away and allow APS to come step in. If you stay there and keep propping them up you will only delay the inevitable. There is 1 of you and 2 of them. Two uncooperative people. They need facility care unless they are willing and able to pay for (and manage) helpers to come in.
I wish you success in getting them the help they need and peace in your heart during the process.
Toward the end of taking care of my mother I could hardly be brought to even clean our house because I'd get harassed trying to wash my clothes or vacuum. IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.
You can report to APS that they are Vulnerable Elders that refuse help.
Your State also has an Elder Abuse Hotline number you can call that and report self neglect.
If there is a Senior Center in the area you can talk to a Social Worker there and see what they might suggest. They might have someone come in and assess your parents ability to live/function at home.
Your question is about your parents. Your profile mentions you are caring for a grandmother in Independent Living. (You mention Howard and the age of 35) so are you caring for both parents and a grandparent?
When I had cervical spine surgery, I asked for help becuz being cognitively sound, I KNEW I would be out of commission for 6 weeks and unable to function.
The only thing you can do is go behind her back while she's couch bound, clean up the bathroom filth, and spend the rest of your time out of their way, planning how you'll get out of there as soon as possible. You're not a "caregiver" if your folks are refusing care.
Once you move out, call APS and report vulnerable elders living alone in squalor. I know how horrible you must feel, but what can you physically DO for folks who refuse help? If mom falls and hurts herself or gets sick, call 911 and get her to the hospital kicking and screaming if necessary, and ask for a cognitive evaluation as well. At that time, you can notify the hospital social worker of their living conditions and get them placed, hopefully.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Wishing you the best of luck.
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