She’s 86. Drives, sleeps, watches the news on volume 100, and polices every little thing going on. Laundry, dishes, the mail, etc. Talks about everyone in the house. Donates to 5-6 animal rescue organizations every month. Nags every person if they say they’ll do something until they just won’t out of spite. Eats nothing but junk food. Will ‘help’ her son, handicapped, but will show her frustration by shoving him or a deep heavy sigh. When I moved in (4 years ago) I brought 3 dogs. We lost one a few weeks ago. The 2 remaining bark at the notifications of the ring cameras. And they also will play chase the cats. 1 is a 70lb bulldog, the other is 120lb French mastiff. Sweet and gentle but protective. Bulldog barked at her coming in the sliding door (notification) and followed her maybe to see what she’d been doing. The weather has just changed here so she normally spends most of the day in her room, but today she trimmed some stuff in the yard. I’m watching as he’s walking next to her but a little behind. She stops, turns, and juts a pair of pruning shears at his face! Almost like stabbing motion! Horrified, I yelled Hey!!! And a bunch of obscenities about wtf was she doing??? She straight up denied it. ‘No I didn’t.’ Was her response when I asked my ex if he saw that? He saw it. This is the second time 2 people have seen her swat at, hit, or do some other form of aggression at that dogs face! Last time I had just as equal of a fit. She also denied that one. She tried to apologize to me but I shut it down by stating the fact that no one should ever have a reason to do that to any living being. Then I snarky asked if she donates to the animal rescues to feel better about how she treats them. I fumed for a couple hours. Then she called my name and asked if I knew where her summer clothes are in the basement. She prefaced by saying I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. No kidding! How about you ask someone else to get your clothes?! And what does it matter anyway? She wears the same long sleeve tops, sweatshirts and stretch pants everyday no matter what the weather. I’m still mad! Who knows what she does when I’m not home? And what if they retaliate? She weighs like 70lbs! I cannot understand her thought process at all. Is this a sign of dementia? I knew her as a teenager and never recall her being mean to anyone. Although, at Christmas I talked to my exes brother about her nastiness and he said oh I know! I used to live with her! I couldn’t go to college fast enough! So I don’t know! Any thoughts?
They need to be at doggy daycare whenever you’re at work. Staff will walk them for an additional fee. And at home, they’re confined to your room while mil is up and about.
Mil’s safety must absolutely come first. And frankly, if my fiancée came to me and said, “it’s Mom or MY PETS” the engagement would be over.
Not sure how she could be nice the whole time you dated and during your marriage and hide she was nothing like this afterca period of time. My MIL was a sweet lady and after we married found out she liked havingvher own way. No, she did not get it. Why did ur ex allow her to move in, to help him. Has he seen changes in personality? If so, time for a full physical with cognitive testing.
Maybe she wants her son to herself and then you came back into the picture. How was she before u moved in. Maybe she is afraid she will be asked to leave. I think you are smart to move out if ex is not willing to find a place for Mom. I am 5 ft tall and would not feel comfortable around these two dogs.
I just posted the traits of the French mastiff.
This is not the type of dog that should be in a home with an elderly person.
If you research breeds of dogs suitable for seniors, a French mastiff isn’t on the list.
When I was researching French mastiff dogs, several law firm sites popped up in my google search.
I took the time to read a few incidents where French mastiffs have attacked others.
These dogs are able to cause serious injuries.
You are correct, the owner of the dog is held accountable for the damage caused by the dog. The dogs are ordered to be put down.
If you want a dog who…
• Is massive and powerful
• Has a sleek easy-care coat
• Is calm and quiet indoors (as an adult)
• Needs only moderate exercise
• Makes an imposing watchdog, being serious and self-assured around strangers, yet generally mild mannered unless aroused
This dog may not be right for you if you don’t want to deal with…
• A huge dog who takes up a lot of space in your house and car
• A heavy dog who wants to sit on your feet and lean on your leg
• Rowdiness and exuberant jumping when young
• Destructiveness when bored or left alone for too much
• Aggression or fearfulness against some people in some lines, or when not socialized enough
• Aggression towards other animals
• Strong willed mind of his own, requiring a confident owner who can take charge
• Snuffling, wheezing, grunting and loud snoring
• Slobbering and drooling
• Gassiness (flatulence)
• Serious health problems and a short life span
• Legal liabilities (public perception, future breed bans, insurance problems, increased chance of lawsuits)
I can’t post information on the bulldog because there are different kinds and she doesn’t specify which one it is. If she has an American bulldog, they also have legal liability issues.
The bite force of the French Mastiff is three times more forceful than the average dog.
They have been in France for 600 years. They have been used as guardians, hunters and fighters. They were especially good at baiting bulls, bears and jaguars.
They were introduced to America in 1959 but didn’t become popular until 1989 due to the movie, Turner and Hooch.
The AKC recognized the breed in 2008.
If they are not separated, the consequences could be horrific. Ex-MIL in fear of the dogs (brought into her home) lashes out, dog attacks her.
What then?
Injured woman. Possible charges laid on the dog owner? Dog ordered to be put down?
Who owns the house? The ex-MIL?
Whether this is your home for 4 years or more, consider moving out asap.
I wouldn't be surprised if MIL is frightened both of the dogs and the ex DIL, but who can know. The OP admits to yelling at and swearing at her.
I always say that these things cannot be made up, but I am beginning to wonder if in fact they can be.
My nephew had 2 mastiffs for years. Even before he got married and had a daughter. They were sweet and loving, albeit slobbering and could easily knock a person over, never mind a 70 lb elder. Recently, the one dog starting viciously attacking the other dog, unprovoked, causing serious bite wounds that needed vet attention. My nephew thought it was a fluke, a one off. It wasn't. It happened again, right in front of his very young daughter where these 2 mastiffs nearly killed one another. They both had to be put down right away.
Your ex MIL sounds like she can indeed be going down the dementia highway. Her doctor needs to give her a full medical and cognitive workup. But she may be afraid of your large dogs and trying to protect herself from them. They CAN severely hurt or even kill her if they were to attack her after she provokes them with shears in the face. #Fact
You deserve this and your dogs do to. Move out. If you and your hubs are back together, even better to make a fresh start and get a new place.
Your ex also lives with his mother. She is still driving, so she is likely well, taking care also of her own garden while you feel free to swear at her and refuse to help this 75 year old even to get out clothing she had packed away for the winter.
I think you need to leave this home.
I am amazed she has allowed you to stay this long with her, and with her son, your EX husband.
I think she may very well be afraid of you.
You need to take your remaining animals a leave. If you wish to continue to date the ex or remarry the ex then the two of you should live in your own home.
I actually, the more I read, am a bit afraid for this 70 year old elder in this home.
I have the same impression that you have. This situation has disaster written all over it!
I had a mini schnauzer who didn’t weigh much at all. She was sweet but very headstrong and stubborn. I also had a large 85 pound greyhound that I rescued who was basically a couch potato!
My mom was comfortable with our dogs and they were her best friends but not everyone is comfortable around dogs. That should have been considered before you moved in with your dogs.
Had my dogs shown any aggression, I would have handled the situation. I love dogs but there are certain dogs that I wouldn’t be comfortable around.
Your former mother in law has genuine discomfort around your dogs. That’s a problem. It’s your responsibility to take care of the dogs and not place your former mother in law in danger.
You leave with the dogs, the dogs are rehomed or your mother in law leaves.
It’s very very possible that MIL didn’t want you to move in, and doesn’t want son to marry you (again). You are all contributing to making this a chaotic living arrangement. Having several incompatible pets is just a part of it. If and when you remarry, are you expecting this to continue? If not, why not sort it out now?
Sounds to me like your ex got back together with the hope of a built-in caregiver for his mother.
Unless you have both had a boatload of therapy, there is a reason your ex BECAME your ex. It is a rare occurrence that a reconciliation works out.
I would think long and hard if your ex is interested in you as a partner or is interested in you as a nursemaid for mom.
Perhaps the woman needed more help than anticipated ( as is often the case ) . I hope getting back together wasn’t so OP could be taking on the bulk of the caregiving .
Don’t know if you read my post earlier on this thread or not, but I will say it one more time.
This living arrangement spelled disaster before you even moved in. Did you have a discussion about living arrangements BEFORE moving in?
We all get that you love your dogs. Everyone loves their dogs. I loved my dogs. No one approves of animal cruelty. I truly hope that your dogs are never harmed.
Having said that, I certainly hope that your former mother in law’s life is never placed in jeopardy. She shouldn’t have to live in fear of your dogs, or worse, being harmed by them.
Can’t you see that she is uncomfortable around your dogs? And why in the world wouldn’t she be? If I were in her position, I would probably be uneasy too.
Just because you are comfortable around your dogs, doesn’t mean that others have to be. Why would you take this personally? This isn’t about you. It’s about your DOGS and how they make her feel.
Then, you get in her face and criticize her behavior because she is uncomfortable with your dogs. So, on top of being intimidated by the dogs, she is most likely intimidated by you too.
Honestly, whether she has dementia or not isn’t even relevant because this situation wouldn’t work out anyway for numerous reasons.
Get out of there - or she goes - one of you has to move....and just do it! What are you waiting for?? I cannot think of any other option - your ex-MIL will not improve - the situation will continue to get worse - you are putting your dogs in danger - and if you remain complicit and passive, then you are asking for what you get - which is a BAD OUTCOME. Save yourself - and your dogs - from this happening.
This situation has disaster written all over it for numerous reasons. Actually, the writing was on the wall, even before you moved in.
I hardly know where to begin. This is about so much more than whether or not your ex MIL has dementia or not.
Ask your ex to take her to a doctor for an assessment. We can’t determine if she has dementia. Dementia affects all people differently.
In your profile, you refer to your 86 year old former mother in law as, “dragon.” 🤔 hmmm…that’s interesting.
First of all, we must give respect to receive respect. Secondly, your ex MIL is obviously uncomfortable around your dogs. I certainly hope that she won’t be harmed by your dogs.
You’re uncomfortable with how she treats your dogs. She may feel intimidated by the dogs and you. So, she lies to you in order to possibly avoid a confrontation.
I know that you are frustrated but have you ever discussed this situation in a calm manner before so that she doesn’t feel threatened by you?
I love dogs and I would never want to see them abused. Nevertheless, I respect that some people are not comfortable being around dogs and I don’t expect them to suddenly become comfortable around dogs.
It sounds like you moved into your ex’s without any discussion or planning.
You knew that his mom was living with him. Shouldn’t you have decided that you were either on board or not on board with living with his mom before moving in, rather than dealing with the aftermath now?
Did you consider what her feelings about dogs were prior to moving in?
It hasn’t worked out for any of you. You aren’t happy. Mom isn’t happy. How is your ex dealing with this situation? Does he take your side? Mom’s side? Or, is he neutral and stays out of it?
Someone has to move, either you or Mom. That is something only you and your ex can decide.
Best of luck to all of you.
It's dangerous for you and your dogs (and probably everyone else) to be around her. If you don't understand mental illness and the help that is available for it, start looking it up. Also your responses to her need to change. Not blaming you for her actions, but you need to learn how to handle this so that neither you nor anyone else gets hurt or killed.
Don't underestimate the danger.
Mil was there before these dogs and you now, and you can’t just throw her out for your pets’ sake. Humans always come first.
My kids know under no circumstances are they to bring there dogs to my mom's without a leash on in the house at all times, and someone's has to hold the leash.
No matter how gentle the dogs are one swipe, your xmil will be on the floor and that will be on you.
You xmil may never survive a hip fracture.
This is her home, you are the intruder. I imagine your Mil is rather resentful for having to be stuck with someone else animals, and sadly she is taking it out on them. And it's not the animals fault. The only person who's fault is is , is who got the dogs and brought them to her house.
I'm trying to be delicate here, and I'm truly sorry if it came out wrong, but for you, your dogs ,and expcially for your xmil, because this is her house, you either have to move or re-home the dogs.
Getting back with your ex was not a good idea and it was an even worse idea to move back in.
Seriously. You don’t love your dogs and need to re-home them if you allow that woman to lay another finger on them.
I do not know if she has dementia or not. I was asking that question. Being told to get a life and move out is just insanity itself. I came here for advice about an aging woman who I used to love. I have a life and I am happy with it. I am independent and successful in case you all had other opinions. Now back to the point of my question. Is this dementia? What do I do about it?
You dont have to like or live your MIL. It doesnt sound like she is likeable or loveable.
I'm confused. You say that you are caring for this person you call Dragon "in my home" in your profile. But here you say "since I moved in" which would indicate you are living in her home?
Is this mom's home or yours?
There seem to be a lot of other folk in this home, as well, from the dramatic scenes you relate.
I know you understand the genetic proclivities of the "bulldog" and the "mastiff". They were bred to warn, protect and fight. You state your 86 y/o weighs about 70 pounds and ask us "And what if they retaliate? She weighs like 70lbs!"
I think you already KNOW what will happen if they retaliate. In case you don't I can tell you about a story from our town, San Franciso, that occurred about 6 years ago and resulted in the formation of our "Vicious and Dangerous Dog Court". A young child, a boy, was left at home briefly alone with 2 staffies, a male and a female. What occurred cannot be known, because the child was dead upon the mom's return from a brief trip away, and it wasn't a pretty site. That same year two Presa Canarios broke from their leashes and attacked a woman in the hallway of an apartment building, shredding her to pieces. She had done nothing and did not know the dogs.
It sounds as though there is a lot of activity in and out of the home, and a rather chaotic dynamic.
Yes, I worry for your mother. And I worry for the animals as well.
We circle back now to whether YOU live with mom or MOM lives with you.
If the former, I suggest you gather up the dogs and move. If the latter I suggest that you tell Mom she cannot stay with you any longer. If she will not move I can only advise eviction. I would be sorry to see that for someone in her 80s, who clearly is almost certainly ill with a wasting disease already, but I am at present worried for her life.