Hi, I am a 32 y/o male. My father lives with me in my small apartment with a traumatic brain injury. He's doing alright but has mobility issues and doesn't have any financial stability. I am essentially taking care of him but I wonder if anyone has been in the same boat. I am 32 years old, single and would like to start a family one day. But how would I move in with a partner or start a family one day if I have this responsibility right now?? If I had money to buy a house that could solve some problems, but I live in New York and this is the situation. Any ideas, tips would be helpful. Thanks . --Michael
For YOUR mental health, find out your LEGAL responsibilities regarding his full time care, and find out what is available for him if he is financially destitute.
You may learn that he would be able to receive much of his care through resources that are not provided by you.
You are entitled to a life of your own, and you have done FAR MORE already for dependent family than many would do. I am presently caring for a dear woman who gave away her chance for a normal life to care for HER mother, who lived almost 11 years with severe symptoms of dementia.
”Balance”. A decent life for your father, AND a decent life for you.
2. Is dad a Veteran? If so contact your Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA to determine if your dad qualifies for any VA services. Depending on where and when he served he may qualify or a little help or a LOT.
3. If dad is doing alright but has some mobility problems you might want to see if he would qualify for a Group Home or other independent senior living. You can still help him but you need to lead your life and at 63 he should be doing as much for himself as he can.
It is wonderful that you want to help but he may be around for another 30 years.
*do know that often TBI will later morph to a dx of Vascular Dementia or other dementias. It will be at that point that he will need full time care. And you never know when or if that diagnosis will happen.
Is he receiving SSDI (Social Security Disability Income) or Medicaid? If not, also ask social services about Medicaid qualification and contact the SS admin office near you about disability income if your Dad is not retired.
I have been on this forum daily for 2 years and have never read of any instance where someone was receiving full-time pay at a livable wage from the state (or any other organization) for caregiving a family member. If I were in your situation I would look at independent living options and job opportunities for your dad (if his injury enables him to do some sort of work through organizations for the disabled). You love him and wish to protect him and be responsible for him but at his age -- and yours -- it will most likely be unsustainable at your end. This is not a failure, this is just how it is for anyone in your spot. The goal should be helping your dad be as independent as possible. This preserves his sense of self and purpose and will ultimately allow him to have more social exposure, which will be healthy and satisfying for him. As a parent with adult sons I cannot imagine them permanently taking on the huge responsibility of providing all my care, financial support and being my only social outlet. That would weigh very heavily on me.
In the interim so that you can get a break, you can contact churches near you and ask if they have a Care Ministry or Eldercare Ministry. You do not need to be a member. Explain your situation and see if they can find short-term volunteers to come in once a week to help you both in some way. My church does this, I know other churches do, too.
Perhaps it is too early in this journey with your dad to start thinking about his independence but please tuck it in the back of your mind. Many blessings to you for being such a wonderful son! May you receive much wisdom and peace in your heart no matter where this challenge leads the both of you!
2. Speak with dad's doctors about expected recovery.
3. Check with NY state socual services to see what type of housing programs are available .
4. Look for a job if you do not have one. If caregiving dad is what you want to do, see if you can be paid for it.
5. You must save yourself first, then offer him support.
Is your dad's TBI recent? Does he have any hope of more fully recovering or is this as good as it's going to get? Does he need PT for his mobility issues?
Can your dad be alone? If not, hire an aide/sitter to be with him so you can go out on dates, etc. You do deserve to live your own life and have a family of your own. You're young but not getting any younger so it's not something you can put off indefinitely.
Where did your dad live before he moved in with you? What kind of care do you need to provide for him? Can he live in senior housing? My MIL did and it was gov't subsidized so she only paid what they calculated that she could afford which was very little.