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What has her surgeon said about her pain?

Did she go to rehab? Is she getting physical therapy? How long ago was the surgery?
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You can't be wrong about what you feel. So that's that question out of the way.

I think you might be wrong about your fiancée's prospects. How recent was her hip replacement? And why did she need it? And whatever happened with her rehab???

It is not surprising that having been through one protracted caregiving ordeal the thought of another makes your blood run cold. But there are obvious and enormous differences between the two care receivers concerned; and caring for an elderly mother with dementia is in no way comparable to supporting a much younger lady who has just undergone a violent but routine surgical procedure.

It shouldn't, normally, take a 67 year old "several months" to recover from hip replacement (unless there was some difficult underlying condition that made the operation necessary?). What do her doctors say? What is she getting in the way of PT and other support?
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Give her a chance to heal and get better. Don’t marry her. You said you proposed after only 3 months. When I got married I waited 4 years. If you need to break up with her do it. Don’t string her along and then say you don’t want to get married. Be upfront with her but at least give her some time to heal.
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I had hip replacement a few years ago (64yo) and did physical rehab at home then went to PT at a facility. Total of 5 wks of PT. It was tough but well worth it as afterwards I was able to walk without a walker, drive and return to work FT. I did take pain meds for the 1st 2 weeks following surgery but was weaned off by my MD.
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No, your not wrong. I am 70 and married. But, if something happened to my DH I may not consider marriage again. I have cared for a grandson while my daughter finished school. Then I cared for her second son and while doing that I had to take in my 85 yr old Mom who suffered from Dementia. Found a caregiver I am not. I was always there for my Mom and Dad. I will care for my DH if ever I need to but I have told him if it comes where I can't do it he will need to go in a home. And visa versa.

In hindsight asking her to marry you within 3 months may not, as u said, have been a good thing. You really need to know someone for a longer time. I do understand where you are coming from. U have not married so you have no responsibility to her financially. Morally, maybe. But not to care 24/7 for her. Help her find the right resources.

What are her finances. If she is low income, she may be able to get Medicaid in home help. That would give you some time away. Your income will not count. Office of Aging may be of help with resources. If she is in pain even with meds, there are doctors who specialize in pain management.

For now, maybe just wait this out. Be there for her now. When her health improves then see how u feel. Its really overwhelming at this point. Maybe there will be a time you can talk to her about how you feel. Don't marry unless ur 100% sure.
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BarbChicago Jul 2020
I am with you JoAnn. When my mother became ill with Dementia my brother washed his hands of the situation. I tried for a while with a family of 5 and a full-time job to take care of her but it didn't work. Created irrevocable trust and placed her in memory care very close so could visit frequently. On to husband, who after multiple knee, hip, and spinal/neck surgeries is now wheelchair bound. Tried for years to be his caregiver, but I have finally had to give up. We have hired caregivers 8 hours 7 days a week. Their primary job is transferring him. They are expensive but it gives me some freedom and don't anybody kid yourself, if you and spouse, fiancee or partner are close in age, YOUR good days are running out too. We are both in our early 80's. He is in poor health, I am in excellent health. I must admit there are times I feel very sorry for myself, tied down, can't travel, etc. But I go to lunch with a friend or whatever and buck up again. I do listen and watch friends who have cared for spouses until the end and what they tell me is that if you later meet someone travel, date whatever but absolutely do not marry him because his children will expect you to take care of him. We've been married 57 years Charlie. Much different situation, but yours boils down to whether you stay or go. You need to do what's best for her and you. Get her children involved. As long as you are assuming caregiver/medial advocate they'll let you.

Good Luck Charlie.
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A replaced hip is not a chronic health issue. She will recover. Did she go straight home after surgery? Or did she go to rehab? Care following hip replacement is very difficult. Give it time, give her a chance to get better. Or if you are done with the relationship I have to think that this had started to happen even before the surgery.
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You said the few bad times found you wishing you were alone, and now this health problem just adds to that. I think it's best if you tell her you've changed your mind due to things before her surgery, but try to wait until she's able to walk. Break off the engagement before getting closer to the holidays when it could be more devastating. Offer to help her find and move to a new home (not near you) with home health care in place if needed, and you might suggest she move near her family or someone who may help her in the future.

It's going to hurt no matter how you do it, but you're both better off being honest about it now vs. later.
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See may not have long lasting effects from the surgery, but it is understandable you may not want to wait to see how that pans out. Maybe you can talk about this with a neutral person that wlll keep the conversation confident.
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