Hi all. My grandma, we'll call her Jo, has been refusing to eat for the past month. She is 85 years old, so I know she's had a long life but that isn't of any consolation to me. At her last doctor's appointment, the doctor was very concerned because my grandma had lost 8lbs. She is a very thin woman already. I am lost on what to do to get her to eat. She has been quite forgetful for about the past year or so. For example, she forgets appointments and forgets that she needs necessities like groceries. Recently, we tried to move her into a resort-style care home for a trial run. She left after one night.
I do not want my grandma to die, I would be inconsolable. I don't think she fully understands the situation that she is in. She is dangerously underweight. What's my prognosis? What should I do? Should I start mentally preparing for her death?
As to preparing for the death of one you love, that is something that is inevitable. Celebrate the love and the life. You will get through the death and will carry wonderful memories with you all your life. The price of loving is facing loss. It cannot be avoided, but life should be celebrated, not full of regret and mourning before the fact and endlessly after does the loved one no honor at all.
I wish you the very best. Gather your memories, make life wonderful for her while she is here, and celebrate her long life when she is gone.
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If grandma is choosing not to eat, it may be that her body is winding down. I regret having pressured someone to take "just one bite" of a long-time favorite food only to find that bite still in her mouth hours later. I was so glad she didn't choke, but I learned that when a person stops eating, it may not be because they are stubborn, but rather their body is simply to a place of saying, "this isn't necessary any more."
Give your grandma lots of hugs to feed her soul, even if you can't feed her body.
I have just managed to persuade my Mum's husband to stop cajoling Mum into eating or drinking the meal replacement milkshakes. I said we should offer, but then accept Mum's refusal.
He wasn't happy because he said that she'll die sooner and he doesn't want her to. I've pointed out that these are her last moments and she should be able to experience them without distress, which pushing her to eat will make her feel.
He's now got his head around the idea that Mum's quality of life is more important than the quantity.
Please note as we age, will lose some of our sense of taste. I know for myself (late 70's) stuff I use to like in the past just doesn't taste that good anymore. So I am trying out new and different food items. Saving grace is chocolate, still taste great :) When my Mom was in her 90's, her grocery list was filled with cakes, pies, muffins, ice cream, Little Debbie's, Hostess, etc. Dad was happy.
I know some grown children and grandchildren still want their parents/grandparent to eat healthy, but there comes a time we have to let them eat what they want. If they want ice cream for breakfast, you ask "one scoop or two?".
One of your questions is, "Should I start mentally preparing for her death?" My answer is that one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to prepare for the loss of the ones we love. Their deaths are tragic, and we will mourn. It makes the loss easier if we counsel ourselves beforehand that they lived a full and happy life, that they wouldn't want us to be sad, and that we are grateful for a loving relationship. We never get over it - we can't. But we can take care of ourselves rather than wallow in misery forevermore.
Look up "failure to thrive in elders." That might give you some insight and would be good to mention to her doctors in case that's what's going on with her.
Your grandma is very fortunate to have you to care about her, and I hope she gets better.
Your grandma is aging it's just a fact that we have to live with. As you get older you accept it more because you understand the circle of life and that growing old is just part of life.
Weather or not your GMA gets through this and starts eating again , she is getting older. My mom's 88 and we are getting to the time of her life that it's one issue, and befor we fix that issue there is a nother storm brewing, inside her body.
It sucks , it's hard, but it is what happens. As you say should I prepare myself? I think you should start to try to understand what your grandma is going through. She is most likely in some form of pain , arthritis or whatever, aging is painful, there is no if and or butts about that. On top of that her brain is slowing breaking down also. She may be starting to give up and that is what happens.
So even if your GMA bounces back or not , we all have to prepare for the invetable of life. I get how hard it is to loose your first loved one. Maybe you should get some counseling, someone to talk to. I doubt your friends understand what your going through. The one good thing is your not living in denial that's a very unhealthy place to be.
So sorry about your grandma, but she is so lucky to have such a wonderful caring granddaughter
And obviously if she's having some mental decline then she shouldn't be living by herself or should have full-time in home help hired with her money of course.
She may have forgotten how to use her stove or microwave so cooking may not be possible for her. So someone will either have to cook for her, order in meals or have Meals on Wheels deliver her food.
And of course if all else fails, have her drink several of the high fat protein drinks like Ensure to maintain her weight.
And even if you "mentally" prepare for your grandmas death, it will still be hard especially if you've not experienced much death yet in your life, but the truth of the matter is we ALL will die one day, so just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your grandma, as she could live for many more years.
A basic memory question. No diagnosis would ever be made on that.
I do not know if your Grandma is ok.. just getting a little frailer... or not ok.
What I do know is I loved my Grandmothers. I was very blessed to have the opportunity to have grandparents at all as many don't. I was blessed to know them, to learn from them, to share events in our lives. As they watched me grow, I watched them age. From independant women, redefining themselves in widowhood, adjusting to old age & age related health issues.
They were ready to go when they did. I felt sad but ok to let them go as mother nature intended.
🩷🩷
I have experienced deaths of many loved ones....my Mother, Father, Sister, Husband and best GF of 32 years. We all will die eventually.
This is the reality of life. Nobody wants their loved ones to die.
I'd start gathering favorite photos, bring her a milkshake and ask her about her life, what she loved best and what advice she may have for you. Play her favorite music and share some happy memories.
It's horrible seeing your loved one refuse to eat and slowly waste away. It's frustrating that we can't make them do what we know they need to in order to survive. But, we can't force them and we can rarely persuade them.
I've been in this position for 13 years. Mum is 5' 4" and at one point weighed less than 5 stone. I honestly don't know how she didn't die then. (In the UK, tube feeding, or NG, is only done if the patient agrees to it, which Mum didn't.)
In the end, we found a milkshake meal replacement that she could tolerate and Mum now weighs over 6 stone.
However, Mum is now dying. The lack of eating, the onset of dementia and advanced COPD are winning. Mum is only 76 years old. She's on palliative care and is unlikely to live more than a month, if that.
This all started when Mum started having TIAs, then a major cerebral hemorrhage. The stroke damaged Mum's brain, in particular the part that regulates hunger, as well as the part that is responsible for willpower.
The latter is one of the first parts of the brain to be affected when someone goes into cognitive decline (for whichever reason) and means that they find it difficult to make themselves do what they don't want to do even if, like my mum in the early days, they know they need to.
There are some things that stimulate the appetite, including prescription drugs or a small glass of sherry (or any alcohol) before a meal. However, I know from experience that they don't always work.
You need to consider quality of life over quantity. You might not be ready to say goodbye to your grandma, but she may be tired and ready to go. Or, at least, she may be too tired to put up a fight.
Try and enjoy the time you have with your grandmother, rather than fretting over what she does and does not eat.
I know it's hard - I have cried, been angry, and felt utterly helpless - but acceptance will help you through this.
And it's okay to be devastated. It means that you care about your grandmother. Try and find some solace in that love.
she must be a wonderful
grandma for you to feel so sad.
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