She most likely has undiagnosed dementia. She was hit by a car over the summer and had to go to the hospital and then a rehab program. We went up to be with her for two months but she very much showtimes and hates my mother and I being there. When we are not there she guilts us about being alone but claims she's fine. She needs to walk with a walker and takes medication daily but she kind of thinks this is all temporary and often walks without the walker. We are out of state and would like her to be in independent or assisted living she complains that she is all alone and doesn't see anybody but 'isn't lonely.' She's gotten increasingly hostile with us but loves everyone else. Some neighbors come by to help out but its not enough; we had a caretaker through Home Instead but we could not trust the caretaker due to her taking her to do things without our knowledge running errands on her own time and possibly pocketing some money. We are out the end of our rope here. I know we are likely waiting for the next incident and then she'll goi to a facility and not leave but I would obviously rather have her go before something like that happens. We have had to take over all of her finances and her mail now gets shipped to me because a piece of paper that enters that house gets lost almost immediately.
We have a followup with her new PCP next month who knows about our dementia concerns with her and her PCP has talked to her a lot about needing to use the walker all the time. We know from her friends that she is not using the walker when we are not there.
This week she told us the next day that a smoke alarm went off in her bedroom and she seemed more annoyed that a smoke alarm woke her up and wouldn't stop than that the alarm was going off. Evidently she called her handyman and the battery needed to be changed. I am concerned that if an emergency happened in her home she wouldn't know what to do. She often doesn't have her cell with her in the house and refuses to wear a medical alert.
This whole situation is stressing my mother and I out so much. She seems to actively sabotage our attempts to make things more accessible and safer in her home. It's too much house for her and things have stopped working. Does anyone have any additional ideas on how to manage this? I know we are likely just stuck in a purgatory like state until something else happens but we cannot take her constant bullying and her constant covering for memory issues and physical issues - whenever we ask her about something being wrong we're told 'im fine' or im okay.'
:(
my case was much like yours. I was dealing with both parents who were not safe at home. I was making a crazy long drive every few weeks, crisis after crisis to be dealt with. My folks refused any help, no one was allowed in the house, we’re just fine! Moms falls were getting more frequent and her injuries worse. Dad had moderate dementia and could hardly tell if she were dead or sleeping.
Finally, after a bad fall and three days in the hospital I had her moved to an assisted living facility that I had previously visited and kept in contact with.
I told mom it was just until she got well. I got dad in a few days later by telling him mom needs your help over at the rehab. It was still a big hot mess for a few weeks but at least they were safe, clean, had in-house medical care and were not in danger of burning the house down or freezing to death in the back yard.
if you haven’t already done so visit some facilities in the area and keep a couple on deck for when the next crisis hits. Granny is never going to voluntarily move. You’ll just have to do what has to be done.
best of luck to you.
We didn't do this with my Mom. At least not with enough detail. She always sort of agreed that "when the time came" she would move into assisted living. Of course by the time "the time" came, she no longer had the facility to understand that she was NOT safe living in her own home and needed more care than we were able to provide. We had a number of really difficult years because of this.
I am now of the mind that the time to make a change is before it is absolutely necessary and the elder has the ability to make some rational choices--not just insist that the same old routine still works.
For me and my LO, we have a two-fold criteria for "the time". One is mobility. If either of us needs assistance getting in or out of beds or cars, it is time. The other is the maintenance of home and yard. I will continue to hire additional help to maintain the house and gardens to the level that pleases me, but when the hassle of arranging for and paying for tree pruning, painting, lawn mowing, and prepping for the various tasks becomes bothersome--even if I am still keeping up--we start looking for a residential space that we can accept. My criteria are quite specific--and written-- so that I don't just let my standards slip to avoid the bother of moving. Age tends to soften the resolve of younger wisdom, so we are protecting ourselves against our own later poorer decision making.
I am also going through the stuff we have acquired and getting rid of bunches of it so that we don't kid ourselves that we are getting on OK when we really just can't stand the idea of going through the junk. Our goals are to make the best lives for ourselves that we can and also to spare our children many of the heartaches that we have suffered with our parents, aunts and uncles.
I too am in 'The Club'. The 'Awaiting the Crises Club' to effect a move from solo to supported living.
A Social Worker explained the process. Advised to;
- Focus on what I can control (not what cannot).
- To inform the medical team of situation where I could (when a crises happens).
- Begin researching suitable living options & locations. Eg near LO's home or near mine.
- In summary: to be an Advocate for their care - for a NEW plan, rather than step in to prop things up that are no longer working.
To be 'ready to roll'.
I love the 'ready to roll' part, I think that will be our new mantra!
Or grandma has to be placed in a residential care facility where she is safe and can be looked after.
From what you're saying here, she definitely has dementia. No old person ever willingly goes into a care facility and they usually don't accept homecare unless someone forces it on them.
How you deal with the asinine often dangerous stubborness is by asking the local police and APS to make wellness checks on her. Explain to them that you and your mom live out of state and that she villifies and lies about both of you to anyone that will listen. Also tell them that she is unsafe and refuses to move or accept help in her home. This will get the ball rolling for her.
There's really nothing more you can do. It's a terrible situation that many families face every day. Usually it has to come to a crisis like a fall happening and the elder getting placed against their will.
the state that my father has ALZ and his DL was revoked. So now if he shows up there they legally can’t let by brother get in the car with him as they would be liable because my father is breaking the law by driving without a license. As crazy as it is, even people with severe brain disorders that are a danger to themselves still have “free will”.
We have all been through this and sometimes the answers are not all butterflies and roses. Sometimes you have to make the tough decisions that are really horrible to live through.
Since your mom has POA, maybe she should go ahead and sign mom up for a place that she thinks is best for her. Frankly, I think it would drive me crazy, waiting for something bad to happen. I did wait for it for awhile, but it was much too long in coming for me and I placed mom in assisted living, against her wishes. I told her 2 days before and hubby and I set up the apartment the next day and moved her in the next. It took her a bit to adjust but she's doing fine. Still snarky comments here and there, but that's ok. She's safe and I am not burnt out anymore. Win-win.
With dementia, you just never really know what they're up to, they can't tell you and whatever they do tell you can't trust it.
She may say she's fine but that really doesn't mean much. You know that's not really the truth.
So, get ready. Have a place lined up. Try to make a plan on getting her moved sooner rather than later.
Best of luck.
You also say the following: "I know we are likely waiting for the next incident and then she'll goi to a facility...."
EXACTLY. As soon as she is in hospital you should contact Social services to begin placement and discharge planning.
This is the best you can do, and to be frank this is almost impossible to do long distance. I sure wish you the best. Not everything has a good answer, and an uncooperative, failing senior has no good answers at all. Sounds you are doing the best you can. I sure wish you luck and hope you'll update us and share with us all you learn; you can be of great help to others. When I first came to Forum I learned that my anxiety and helplessness shared helped me enormously. I at least knew I wasn't alone.
Just reading on this forum has been tremendously helpful; on here (along with some other googling and what not) I have learned what behavior is common and that we aren't experiencing anger from a loved one alone.
We tell the love one the move to senior living is an extension of rehab, doctor's orders. If that elder wants to move back to their home, it is ok to use what is called a "therapeutic fib" such as the plumbing needs to be replace, etc. Something you feel that Grandmother would believe.
The hard part is now sitting and waiting for the next emergency.
When we’ve explained what doctors have said to her because she doesn’t remember she seems to accuse us of lying to her. Saying things like ‘well they didn’t say that!’ Or ‘well I don’t remember that.’ But unfortunately when the next thing happens we will be placing her somewhere permanently. I just wish we could convince her before.
She fell and broke a hip in 2020 and this past time she was hit by a car in the parking lot. While we knew there were memory issues she was able to live somewhat independently. However the trauma of this accident ended up greatly negatively affecting her mental health.
I appreciate that we ‘should’ have done things differently but my mother and I also have our own issues and we’re dealing with the legal aspect of the accident at the same time.