My grandmother has been in the nursing home for almost a year now; she has dementia, and today my mom called to tell me that she is receiving hospice care and that hospice told her that my grandmother is "actively dying." I am away at college but am trying to get home tomorrow to see her. What does actively dying mean? Does she have days left, weeks, hours? Additional information: my grandmother hasn't been eating well for quite a time and has lost a lot of weight over the past few years, but she has lost an alarming amount of weight in the past few months. My mom couldn't really get a straight answer from the nursing home about how much food she's been eating recently, but from what I have ascertained, she has barely eaten the past few days. When she was able to, she signed forms stating she didn't want anything like a feeding tube or being hooked up to a machine. Currently she is receiving morphine and diazepam -- I think they started the morphine today. My mom says that her breathing sounds difficult and is rattling a little, and she's mostly unresponsive; they are wetting her mouth every so often, as she lays in bed with her mouth open. My aunts and uncles that live far away are coming to see her. Although I know it will be extremely hard, I want to be there to comfort her and let her know she is loved. My grandmother is my best friend. She was always there when my mom had to work late, and she basically mothered me, and I love her so much. So I guess my question is: what should I be expecting? Are these her final few days?
www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
I am so sorry to read about your Grandmother.
I was raised in the Pentecostal faith. My great-grandmother was a minister and other family members too.
I only tell you this because from the time I can remember, we always helped members by sitting bedside with their family member so as to give them a time to rest.
We, as the grandchildren of the starting minister of our church, were also required out of respect to sit with the deceased during visitation; Mom and other ladies would clean their homes and cook so the families could focus on what they needed to do.
My husband and all of my in-laws are Jewish....great combination of faiths!
My husband never ever had to deal with the situation you're describing. Trust me when I tell you that they were all shocked with the things I did to help his grandmother and mother during their "active" dying phase.
I sat with Nanny and talked with her. She would come "awake" and be talking with Gramps and 1 of her 2 children who had died years ago.
She would also talk with her sister who had died very young too. My husband's family didn't understand what was happening. I told them that those who loved her most were there to help her leave us. They thought I was nuts!
We received that same call a day or 2 later and to get to the nursing home. Nanny was trying to say something, but my husband didn't understand and couldn't stay in the room.
I stayed, so did our daughter, and I talked with Nanny again. I asked her if Gramps was there and she nodded even though we were told she was pretty much in a coma.
I asked her if she was tired, she nodded again. I told her that Gramps was there to help her go through the light. That she would be met by her children, parents and all her family. That she didn't need to stay if she was ready to leave. Everything would be ok, but she would leave us knowing that we loved her and would miss her, but her family has been waiting for her and they had been missing her too after all these years.
I kissed her; our daughter did too and told Nanny how much she loved her. By the time we got to my Mother's-in-law house (less than 30 minutes) she had passed. The nursing home told us it was less than 15 minutes after we left.
My Mother-in-law did exactly the same thing a few years later. The immediate family was there, but they were talking like she wasn't even there or why they were there.
I took over the duties that I could from the nurse and asked her what the signs were that I should look for to call her.
I was appalled that these in-laws were telling me that what I was doing was something one did not do in the Jewish faith. I was the only one holding a conversation with her, keeping her mouth/lips moist and placing chap stick on her lips.
She died the next evening. I called my Mom, the hospital was about 5 minutes away, to come and sit with me until the mortuary arrived. Our daughter sat with her grandmother and held her hand. My one time sister-in-law was aghast that our daughter was holding her dead grandmother's hand and told her that she needed to stop. My daughter, in middle school at the time, told her that this is her grandma and she wasn't going to let go until she had to do so.
My Mom got to the hospital and went to my Mother-in-law and told her how sad she was that she left us and held her face in her hands. OMG!! Sister-in-law almost fainted.
Apparently, morticians are considered a necessity BUT their job is considered very low on the job list. That THEY are the only ones that are to touch the dead and that's the reason that shrouds are placed over the open casket. In my faith, you comfort from start to finish.
I couldn't get home when my Grandmother died. Mom's brother called her to tell her that grandma was waiting for her; it was Christmas, our daughter drove Mom to the home. As soon as Mom got there, our daughter kissed grandma/told her how much she loved her. Mom held her Mother and told her that everything was forgiven and that she loved her and it was time. Grandma died in her arms. She was waiting for Mom to get there to say goodbye to her children.
Long story a little short, please have your Mom talk with her and tell her that you're on your way to say goodbye. She'll wait for you and telling those who are ready to take her will wait.
Her so called unconscious reflexes are her holding on for you.
Not that any faith is better than an other, but I have seen these things happen so many times.
Mom's cousin, also a minister, had come home after suffering a heart attack; took a shower, came out from the bathroom, held his wife in a hug and told her that his parents, great-grandma were there to take him home. He died right there in his wife's arms in the hallway.
THIS is active dying. Many medical people do not believe that these things happen; it happens every day. That is most likely the reason the nurse could not explain it.
Those caregivers who do, have many stories about what they have experienced.
The author of Little Women, Louisa Mae Alcott, talks about how she actually felt her sister's spirit leave her body and that she saw her go through the window.
Bless your Grandmother on her new travel to meet family members waiting for her.
The person who you have loved the most in this world, will be at the front of the line for you.
I know mine will be my great-grandma; she's already come to visit me once and had the most beautiful blue aura. We talked, not with our mouths but with our minds. It was a very calming feeling. I still don't know what she meant telling me that everything was going to be alright. Now, I think she was talking to me about my Mom and that I will be the one to help her at the end etc.
BTW, we live in a 100 yr old house here in TX and have 2 spirits who reside with us. When I walked into the house before we bought it, I felt a warm hug and a voice telling me that I was home.
There were 2 other offers, but the sellers accepted ours, I knew they would.
Everyone on our street know about these spirits and/or have seen them. Haven't seen them, but things happen in the house for no reason.
It's going to be very heart breaking for you, but remember she's trying to tell you she's going to fine and so will you.
She'll see you when it's time for you to come to her.
THE OP's GRANDMOTHER HAS PASSED AWAY:
www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm