My grandmother keeps peeing herself and trying to hide it when she comes over for visits. Once she had an accident and I had to really harass her to go have a shower, when she finally did I heard her turn on the water for the tub and turn it off after a few seconds. She came out and said she had had a shower. I tried to talk to my grandfather about it and he has said she is just being lazy...I don't agree...she was never like this before she had so much pride in herself. He has made her feel embarassed about it so she came over a few times and made it pretty obvious she was placing her coat under herself before she sat down. I don't want her to start to hate me but it hard with a new baby and having to clean up after her...messes. With that said she raised me and cleaned up my mess when I was a child so I know I owe her. But her peeing herself or doing other things in her pants and then wearing it the whole visit refusing to change is sad and not at all like her. I don't know what to do to help her. Talking to her always feels awkward, I feel mean...what should I do? Am I complaining too much? Is this normal when people get older or is this something more serious?
But... Why would you talk to your grandfather about it, rather than your grandmother?
If your grandmother is wetting and soiling herself and making impractical attempts to prevent its being a problem, then it seems clear that she *knows* there is a problem but doesn't know what to do about it. It must be very embarrassing and worrying for her.
You don't say how old she is, but at any age fecal incontinence is unusual and serious (whereas stress incontinence leading to urine leaks, for example, is very common indeed, especially in women). How long has this been going on? Can you gently ask her whether she has seen her doctor recently, as an ice breaker?
The thing is. She could have chronic diarrhoea, she could have a uti, she could have all kinds of treatable things that are causing the problem. She could have a neurological issue that means she doesn't feel "urgency" - she doesn't realise it's happening until it's too late, that is. It could be anything! But what is certain is that a LOT can be done to help her, but not unless she tells someone about it.
So don't feel mean, show her that you're concerned - not about your furniture or about whether she showers enough, but about her health and wellbeing.
You have a baby of your own. You're not just her granddaughter any more, you're an adult woman taking an intelligent interest in your loved one's health. It *is* awkward, I agree, but remember that the less embarrassment you show, the less she'll feel. It's a practical matter with practical answers, so stick tight to that and talk to her in private.
"Incontinence can develop for MANY reasons ... not always old age and/or dementia. Let's look into it!"
"Lots of active, healthy people have bladder issues. No shame in that! Let's find out why, and find out what might help."
In some cases, incontinence is caused by an underlying, *treatable* condition. Un-diagnosed or uncontrolled diabetes, for one. So if she has not been examined, she should be.
Good luck!