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He absolutely hates it there and keeps asking me to take him home. I know in my brain this was the right decision but it hurts my heart.

It would be quite unusual, and actually much sadder, if he weren’t saying he wanted to go home at this stage of his adjustment.

Why? Because it would indicate passive acceptance of a drastic change from his former life to his present one.

You are very likely suffering far more, because you are fully aware of your loss, and his.

Try going every other day, calling, brief (BRIEF) face timing- “ooops, there’s the door bell..”.

His work right now is adjusting to his current surroundings and allowing his caregivers to become part of his team. If you are there too often, for too long, it may be more confusing to him to figure out who does what.

You are feeling the natural feelings of a loving spouse. Try to stay in the moment whe you visit, excuse yourself immediately and leave if he becomes uncomfortable or belligerent, and allow his caregivers to do what they’re trained for.

Hardest thing I ever had to do when we placed my mom, but she soon thrived and loved and WAS LOVED by her caregivers.

It will happen for your husband too.
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Cover999 Aug 18, 2022
Your second to last paragraph, how? She becomes dependent on others.
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Let him settle in and get used to the people, the routine.
He will find someone that he will connect with that will become a "safe person" for him.
I always said when caring for my Husband I was ruled by 2 major organs in my body. My HEAD and my HEART. I just had to make the right decisions with my Head and hope that my heart would accept some of the decisions.
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Time. It takes time. The first few weeks of my mom’s placement, I wanted to bring her home every night. My husband just could not visit. He was more upset than I was. But time is a wonderful thing. She has been placed 3 months. She has adjusted to the routine and rhythm of the environment, has begun to trust the aids, and ( unfortunately) completely forgotten my home where she lived for more than 5 years. It was, by far, the hardest decision I have every made. Give it time, if you can. Hugs!
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Suhoke, one suggestion that most Memory Care facilities make is that you don't visit for 3 weeks, thus giving time for one's love one to settle in. You can telephone him.
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HopeCalmPeace Aug 18, 2022
Unless there are severe memory issues or you live far from he facility, staying away for 3 weeks until they ‘adjust’ seems like cruelty. My mom adjusted reasonably well as we accompanied her to programs and did activities with her.
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You're right, friend. Placing a loved one is a gut-wrenching decision, but not made lightly. I placed my husband in MC 8 months ago and he still occasionally packs up and wants to come back home. The staff tell me this is very common, and one of the worst things you can do is take them back home for a visit and then try to get them back to the MC. It's too much emotionally for either of you to deal with. So don't be guilted into doing that.

I'd also encourage you to ignore the "advice" of people who like to make snarky remarks that cause you to doubt yourself or feel more distress. There are lots of supportive folks out there and you will find them. The Alzheimer's Association can tell you where to find support groups in your area. They are wonderful!

The bottom line is, give it some time. It's a big adjustment for you and your husband. My mistake was taking my hubby out for lunch or a drive nearly every day in the beginning. It established, in his mind, that he was just visiting and not like the other residents. I've learned, slowly, to listen to the staff and take their advice if it makes sense to you. They care about your husband, too, and they've got the benefit of experience.

I hope this has been helpful. Hang in there. You are not alone.
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Katefalc Aug 18, 2022
Excellent advice. I’ve been thru it as well. It takes them time to acclimate. You have to do what is SAFE and Best for THEM. It’s called a “ loving choice” but it breaks our hearts .💔
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My mom packed everything including wall items for a month straight. She begged to get out. My heart broke. I got online counseling.. it took 16 weeks to wrap my brain around moms memory care situation. No easy way through this dementia. Mom adjusted and eventually was able to move to an assisted living vs memory care unit. She is happy again. I am relaxed. She has Lewy Body. So sorry.
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In addition to the very good suggestions for dealing with the hard choice to place a LO in a care setting it’s important to make sure the setting is providing all it promised. With the help of siblings, I placed mom in an assisted living facility. We provided a radio so she could listen to operas. At each visit, staff had changed station to rock and roll. Attempts to stop this we’re frustrating ending in “there’s nothing we can do.” It was clear that this very large facility had little control over staff. We moved her to an AL where she was content for 12 years until her passing. POINT: be a detective. Look for reasons for a LOs discontent other than the expressed wish to “go home.”
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Make a list of all the reasons why he must stay where he is. Make a list of all the problems you would have keeping him at home. Look at those lists frequently and be grateful he is being well-cared for. Eventually, he will settle in.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this, such a hard transition for you both. Your husband is blessed to have you looking out for his best interests even if he can never acknowledge that. Don’t discuss taking him home, it’s an endless looping conversation that will only frustrate you both. Change the subject as often as it takes. I hope this phase will pass soon and I wish you both peace
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Cover999 Aug 18, 2022
Sadly it will, if he stops communicating all together.
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Here's what I've observed over 3 years at my mother's memory care. The majority of residents are women. There might be 2 -3 men max in the building, often of vastly different levels of impairment. The majority of activities are geared to women's interests and activity level--crafts, cooking projects, picture puzzles, sing-alongs, watering flowers, folding laundry. During meals, the men are intentionally distributed to different tables rather than seated together. There are group activities to watch a movie, but never any group activities to watch sports matches or the news. All this adds up to no male bonding or friendships, while some of the women form bonds with each other as they are able. A more able man, who can still converse and understand other people's reactions, becomes popular among the women, and romances may form, but usually the men have much less social interaction. If the man is less able, less interactive, he is very lucky if he has a woman pal who is concerned for him. Staff (almost all female) are very intimidated by male residents who are mobile, tall or big, loud, demanding, resisting care. I've seen female staff scream and run away from a male resident who was walking toward them. Female staff learn quickly which residents are difficult, and they tend to avoid the difficult ones as much as possible. Male residents are more likely to be perceived as agitated and dangerous, while a female resident would not be perceived that way, even if they exhibit the same behavior.
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