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My husband and I are both disabled. We reside in NY State in a fairly rural area. We sold our home to build a disability friendly manufactured home. It should be ready for occupancy in October. My parents are both disabled. They reside in California. My father no longer drives.
Our home is coming with a suite attached with its own entrance for my parents to live in. It will have a small kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom, and closet.
My dad and his sister will sell the California property and they will split the money 50/50 (in accordance with the will of my grandparents).
Dad would like to use some of the money to get a storage shed, gutters on the new house (our part and theirs) and suite, a generator, and perhaps a garage, etc. depending on how much money he receives.
1) Dad is worried about losing his benefits by receiving money from the sale of the California property. Is this true? Is there anything that can be done regarding this?
2) How do I approach doctors in NY with trying to get their medications continued without issues? They both have some pain medications, history of compliance and no issues, and years of trial and error to finally find what helps each of them. Having Health Care Proxies, Power of Attorneys, other forms, joint phone calls, virtual calls, etc. isn't going to be a problem.
3) Will my husband and/or I lose our own disability benefits if they live in the suite attached to our new home? Neither of us have any curable conditions. Our health isn't going to change no matter who lives with or near us.
I thank everyone and anyone who is kind enough to take the time to help guide me regarding this. I know there are several parts to this situation.

Good and wise advice is being given to you. There is much about aging that simply cannot be planned for.

Many a loving and well-meaning adult child or family planned to care for one or both parents, only to come up to the hard reality that caring for a very physically and cognitively needy adult is overwhelming. It also can become a financial crisis since paying for in-home is expensive and can be hard to find in less populated areas.

I'm glad you have a historically "helpful" family... however, no one should ever be "assumed" into caregiving. Remember: they have their own aging parents to care for at some point.

If you are in pain every day, and assuming your condition limits what you can do physically, then how will you be helping your parents use the toilet when they no longer can -- or won't? Helping to change even a cooperative incontinent parent (using disposable briefs) can require bending and stooping. How will you ever get them into a car? And what will happen if one or both become bedbound? Who will be lifting or turning them?

I'm hoping that your parents have very robust financial reserves so that if their care becomes more than you can handle you will at least have the option of hiring outside help. You may find that even willing and able family will eventually get overwhelmed by orbiting around you 4.

No one likes a good plan like me, so I'm with you on that. BUT please heed the advice given here. No one can ever imagine how stressful and exhausting caregiving can become -- that's how those well-meaning adult children got themselves into a pickle in the first place. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. That's the most anyone can do.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I honestly don't know the answers to your questions, but I do believe any change in both your parents and you and your husbands income will definitely affect your disability payments, and will be seen as an overpayment issue that you all will have to pay back to the government.
Perhaps someone knows more about that than I.

But on a side note....why in the world if you and your husband are both disabled would you opt to take your parents in who also are disabled? Who's going to be taking care of who when needed?
To me personally, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your intentions may be good, but your judgement may be off.
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
I can't figure out how to fill out my profile.

The house and attached suite is what my husband and I ordered. It's breaking ground this week. So, no add-ons to an already existing home.

It took me a while to figure out how to reply on here.

I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile with braces. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He mobile w/cane, walker, etc., and has chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago. Mom has chronic pain, uses a cane, etc.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both have medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

We do have an amazing support network of family and friends.

I will consult a disability lawyer.
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You should consult an elder law attorney in your state as the fine points here make all the difference. You will need said attorney to meet with you and the elders BEFORE such a move and make a care contract for "shared living expenses". Even the wording is crucial here as "rental" is taxable for you and "shared living expenses " are not.

All that said I hope that you fully have discussed and thought out and already made stipulations regarding costs, who helps them travel to appointments, medical care in the area, and the fact that deterioration is a certainty. You do not elaborate on your disabilities, but it is difficult for those who are able bodied to handle elders in the home, let alone those with their own limitations. I surely do wish you the very best of luck, but an attorney will help you think, at least, about all financial and legal options, including POA and your abilities/willingness to do that onerous work.
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
One thing I also forgot to add: The house and attached suite is what my husband and I ordered. It's breaking ground this week. So, no add-ons to an already existing home.

It took me a while to figure out how to reply.
I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed, but it is not a constant thing. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My parents are 10 years apart. My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He is currently still mobile, with chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both had medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

I will consult a disability lawyer. I could still use some suggestions with some of the things I mentioned if possible.
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One of the worst stories I've ever heard in such a situation was about a friend of my mom's whose husband died. She received hubby's insurance money, and it was decided that she'd use it to build an apartment for herself onto the existing house of her son, who was pastor of a church. That way grandma would be available onsite to help son and his wife, who both worked, as well as provide babysitting for their kids. Son and wife fell behind on their house payments, and grandma had no idea. They didn't tell her. Eventually the house - the whole house, including her attached granny apartment, was repossessed by the bank. Surprise surprise! for grandma. She lost everything.

I'd be very careful about financial and legal ramifications of combining or adding to any sort of property. Don't assume anything about what belongs to whom, who inherits what, or financial status of the other parties. Never assume that any party is entitled to caregiving by any other party. Don't assume that anyone wants to change your Depends, take you to appointments, or cook for all the rest.

This moving-in-everyone-disabled-cross-country-caper sounds like the makings of a nightmare to me, but maybe that's just me.
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
OMG, that is heartbreaking!!! =(

I forgot to add: The house anattached d suite is what my husband and I ordered. It's breaking ground this week. So, no add-ons to an already existing home.

It took me a while to figure out how to reply.
I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed, but it is not a constant thing. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My parents are 10 years apart. My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He is currently still mobile, with chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both had medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

I will consult w/disability lawyer. I could use suggestions w/some of the things I mentioned.
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This plan sounds great - on paper. Family taking care of family -working together. Multi-generational home. That might sound like a nightmare to some - and I get that too. But my family has similar ideas around elder care. To a point.

That point being - the "what-ifs". You have to be realistic in looking at the big picture. You can't just get stuck in the "we'll figure it out if we have to".

Both you and your DH are young. But you also both have enough going on that you are on disability. That's not just something that gets handed out like candy. My assumption is that you and your DH have already made a number of adjustments in how the two of you live your lives in order to accommodate each other and balance your home life.

Anytime that you add another person to a dynamic that is already working for you -there are going to be adjustments. But you are adding two aging, disabled parents to a household with two disabled occupants. While the one level, split suite set up sounds ideal -you have to consider everything - not just what looks good.

You lean heavily on family around you stepping in and covering any gaps. And the family history of keeping elderly family members home. However, you may find that other family members may not have the time, energy or bandwidth to step in all the time. And you will become the primary caregivers with maybe potential assistance in an emergency.

A high % of caregivers unfortunately pre-decease the person(s) they are taking care of. There is a good chance given that you might be considered the "healthiest" among you that you will be the one doing more work. What happens if you need help? What happens if you or your DH has to go to the hospital for an extended period? What happens if you or your DH AND one of your parents end up in the hospital?

There are so many variables to consider.

As to whether your benefits or theirs will be impacted - that's something you may want to consult with an attorney about.

You say that both you and your DH have incurable conditions. So they aren't going to get better, but they could potentially get worse. Your parents are the same. You have to consider things like emergencies, weather, fire, COVID or flu, one of your parents falls, both of your parents fall. You get the idea.

Before you do this - consider all angles that you can possible think of.
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Sorry to be negative, but this grandiose plan sounds like a pending disaster to me.

It makes no sense for a disabled couple (living on disability benefits) to bring their also disabled Elder parents into their home and combine households, as well as co-mingle funds doing it.

Both couples need to consult an Elder lawyer before going any further. You are in no financial or physical position to be caregiving and/or housing your disabled parents whatsoever. Moving Elder parents across the country will not me an easy adjustment and cause them to significantly decline. The weather alone will be a huge problem. If they don't already live nearby (and have for many years), both couples are not totally familiar with personalities, quirks and different temperments. Especially living in the same home!

Aging Elders will soon require significant care, especially after such a drastic change. Apparently you will be expected to be a 24/7 caregiver, when already disabled yourself? The overall stress factor alone is a ticking time bomb.
Listen to the very good advice given.
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
It took me a while to figure out how to reply.
I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed, but it is not a constant thing. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My parents are 10 years apart. My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He is currently still mobile, with chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both had medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

I will consult a disability lawyer. I could still use some suggestions with some of the things I mentioned if possible.

RLG1980
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RLG1980, you wrote:

"Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed."

Yes, that is the way it has always been . . . until people started living longer and needing more care than can be provided at home. Since I left my job in 2007, I have been caregiving in one way or another (daughter had twins when she still had two under 3 years old, then mil, then my parents long distance, and mixed with all of that is my husband who has been disabled since 1995, and diagnosed with dementia in 2017).

Here's the thing -- once my husband passes, I will not place the expectations on my children that were placed on me. I have plans to move into a Continuing Care Retirement Community where I will be safe and they will not have to worry about me. I can start out in a cottage or apartment and then move to levels of care as needed without ever making my own children stop living their lives.

Just because families have done this for years doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do in this generation. Please consider exploring others options.
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TouchMatters Aug 1, 2024
Well ... that's great for you. Unfortunately, not everyone is in the same financial or family situation as YOU are. In other words, how would you 'rely' on a 'family member to take care of you (or another) -
* if they had an addiction to alcohol, drugs, etc.?
* Were abusive to another family member or spouse?
* Irresponsible / unable to handle financial, legal, and/or medical needs of a loved one (perhaps YOU) in need?
* There are as many scenarios as families wherein placement would be the best option when unable to RELY on family - as you are so fortunate to be able to do.

Please consider your responses to questions presented here - if you cannot be helpful - and see (and feel, show compassion) beyond your own nuclear family unit and personal experience ... if you are unable to offer some compassionate critical thinking, it would be 'more helpful' to people here if you not to respond at all. It must be nice to live in a glass tower. On second thought, no thank you. I would not want to live in your world.
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I'm repeating this in case my answer was too far down the answers, just in case it helps:

Hi! I'm not 'always in pain', but it certainly visits me almost every day. Yes, "focusing on helping others does help by taking my mind elsewhere". For me, spending time on this site is a big part of that. Me, my computer, and my comfortable office chair - the easiest way to stay in the wide world from where I am, which is Alice Springs in the middle of Australia. Please feel free to stay with us just as long as you like!
.....
I'd also say that you are aged 43, I have just turned 77. It gets worse as you age. Prepare for it! Lots of love, Margaret!
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BlueEyedGirl94 Jul 29, 2024
I will also add -that in caregiving for my FIL - we started out as 4 able-bodied 40/50 somethings. And when it was all said and done - ALL of us had at least one (note that at least) physical pain/injury as a direct RESULT of caregiving. Most of these injuries required surgical intervention AND never really fully returned to pre-caregiving state.

Even if you don't start off in pain or injured - there is a good chance that you will be after caregiving.
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All 4 of you are disabled . Have you thought about how this will be handled down the road ?

As already said , who will be taking care of you all in this situation as any or all of you decline ?

Are your parents expecting to live with you forever ? Or do they understand that they may need to move some day to a facility for care ?

There is a five year look back should your parents ever need to apply for Medicaid . This means it could be problematic that he’s giving your sister money and wants to spend money on improvements to your property .

I suggest you talk to an eldercare attorney about these potential financial and benefits issues before committing to this .

The plan may need to change .

If your parents move to NY , your parents fill out forms requesting their CA doctors send records to their new doctors .
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
Thank you for the idea of having their doctor send a letter to possible new primary doctors.

The house and attached suite is what my husband and I ordered. It's breaking ground this week. So, no add-ons to an already existing home.

It took me a while to figure out how to reply on here.
I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile with braces. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He mobile w/cane, walker, etc., and has chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago. Mom has chronic pain, uses a cane, etc.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both had medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

I will consult a disability lawyer.
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How old are your parents?
What type of disabilities do they currently have?
Do they have any age-related issues?

You need to think of what it will be like 5 or 10 years down the road, and not "romanticize" what living -- and careing -- for them will be like right now. Right now they sound mostly independent and competent. But eventually this won't be the case.

If one or both of your parents are in wheelchairs, and they develop dementia, they can start forgetting they are disabled and attempted to stand up and walk, and then break their leg or hip. This is a very common problem, it happens all the time.

Or, are they incontinent now but can manage themselves? What happens if they develop cognitive and memory problems and start stripping off their clothes when they soil themselves? This is also a common problem and you can read many posts on this forum about the headaches this creates for their caregivers.

And what if you and your husband become less able to take care of yourselves before your parents (or at the same time)? This is also not unheardof.

Also, if your parents tie up their financial resources in a house, and they need to go into a facility, how will it be paid for? And if you build a "specialty" house it won't sell very fast, or at all.

I realize you're already in the middle of building. But if I were in your shoes I would have had your parents move themselves into a care community with a continuum of care, either in CA or local to you. You should think about doing the same for yourselves when ADLs get more difficult.

You are building in a semi-rural area (I'm assuming that you don't mean suburbs). This means fewer services and fewer options for in-home care help or care facilities.

As for the benefits issues, are you all on SSDI? Other? We can't give best guidance unless you fill out your profile and provide more info here in the thread. You don't even tell us what specific disabilities you all have, which is essential to know.

Please provide more information.
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RLG1980 Jul 27, 2024
I can't figure out how to fill out my profile.

The house and attached suite is what my husband and I ordered. It's breaking ground this week. So, no add-ons to an already existing home.

It took me a while to figure out how to reply on here.

I am 43 and so is my husband. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and some other annoying conditions. I may wear braces on areas of my body as needed. My background is medical, mental health, grief, and military social work. I am mobile with braces. I pace myself. We have a lot of family out here, so we wouldn't be alone. My husband is also 43 and a disabled military veteran (PTSD, etc.).

My father is 75, a brittle diabetic, and I am 99% positive he has a lot of the same conditions that I do. He is does not drive anymore. He mobile w/cane, walker, etc., and has chronic pain.

My mother is 65 and was injured in a shoulder and a leg on the job many years ago. Mom has chronic pain, uses a cane, etc.

I was not on disability until about 4 years ago. My husband and I managed our money well and ultimately decided to sell our 3 level Adirondack home to invest in building this manufactured home and buy land. We were also able to afford to have what is often known as a "mother-in-law suite."

Any funds my father receives after selling the CA property is not going to us. It's for him and his sister. He would just like to contribute something, such as buying a tool shed, a generator, and maybe help put gutters on the home and suite.

I can completely understand why someone may have read my post and assumed "disabled" means incapable of doing much at all.

Every remaining family member has left CA. One more reason to bring them here where my husband and I are in NY. My father has been found on the floor with diabetic complications too many times. They are about a 45+ minute drive from the nearest hospital. There is no cell service or high-speed internet where they live. Here, I can literally be a few seconds away through a doorway to help until paramedics arrive and the hospital is about 10 minutes away.

I can also get LifeAlert for my parents setup, get them into the specialists I have already, etc.

They both have medicaid and medicare.
My husband is a disabled veteran.
I have medicaid and medicare.

Everyone on my side of the family has always taken care of aging family members. We don't have them go into facilities, we just work together. It has been that was since I can remember. I grew up with elderly family members being looked aftr by my parents and nearby family members as needed.

If there's a bad day and I have a flare-up of my own, I just pick up the phone and someone else can come over, pick up meds, groceries, help anyone get to appointments, etc.

I do not take controlled pain medications, however, my parents do. It's taken then years of trial and error to get where they are now. I would like to keep their medications as is upon moving. I am just unsure, despite my professional background, how to approach a potential primary doctor.

There is a POA, HCP, and will. No problems there.

We have a lot of family here. I apologize if my initial post was confusing and lacking enough detail. I am seeking help in how I might approach a primary doctor to just continue their medications. My dad is aware he may lose his insurance due to getting a lump sum from selling the CA property. I had "heard" that since you are permitted to have at least 1 residence, that this sum could possibly not be used against him if he spends it in a certain time frame.

Also, our new home and suite are single level, outside ramps, no lip showers for walker or wheelchair access, widened doors, lever handles instead of doorknobs. Everything is paid for by the sale of our own previous home. Dad's just grateful and I think a little pride is there where he'd like to "do something." I hope that makes sense.

I will consult a disability lawyer.
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