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My Mom lost her husband, my Dad in September to cancer. My husband and I live with her, we moved in to help my Mom take care of my Dad and now my husband and I are caring for my Mom, she has dementia symptoms but refuses to see a doctor or counselor, including to help with her grief. Her memory loss right now is only short term memory so she is okay staying alone. My Mom agreed over a month ago that she wanted us to get away for a mini getaway, so my husband and I made plans. Now she is telling her friends how disgusted she is with us for leaving her alone and doesn’t really want to talk to me or my husband. When I asked her if she’d like us to cancel our plans she said no, that even if we were home, she wouldn’t go anywhere with us. That as husband and wife we should go. I feel horrible for wanting to spend quality time with my husband. Am I wrong for wanting this? For leaving her alone for 2 days. We’re only going 45 minutes away. Thank you for your help.

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According to your profile you've only been married for one year. You certainly don't need to be living with your mom now that your dad has passed, as you need to making your husband and your marriage your top priority if you want a fighting chance that your marriage will last.
Of course you should be getting away by yourselves! You're newlyweds for pete's sake! How romantic can things be when mom is around all the time?
And when you get back from your little getaway, you need to start looking for a place of your own and perhaps an assisted living facility for mom, where she will be around folks her own age, and can start rebuilding her life without her husband, and you and your husband can finally start your married life without being caregivers.
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If your mother is going around telling people how disgusted she is that you're leaving her alone, but on the other hand tells you she's fine with it, then her dementia could be worse than you might think and some long term care plans will need to be made for her. I would still confront her about what she's saying about you behind your back to other people.If her dementia isn't do bad, then you handle that senior brat the same way you handle a brat child. Pay them no attention whatsoever and go on your vacation. Instead of going for two days, make it a week. Let your mother wallow in her own misery and self-pity while you have a good time.
You moved in to help with your father who has now gone on. It is not your fault that your mother lost her husband and it is not for you and your husband to now become her whipping posts because she's depressed. It's also not for you to have to become her social life. Did your plans when you moved in include becoming mom's caregivers? I'm going to say they probably didn't.
It's time for you and your husband to move out back into your own place and arrange some care plans for your mother that do not include you having to do everything.
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I think you should ask your mother why she is telling her friends one thing and saying the opposite to you. The obvious answer is that she has mixed feelings, not about your mini-break with your husband but about being alone. Perhaps one or two of those friends could call or visit during the two days, just to set everybody's mind at rest?

You've raised two points which particularly set my teeth on edge. One is the smell of burning martyr, and your mother is giving off a distinct whiff of this just now. The other is guessing instead of asking: it's much better to ask your mother a direct question and work with her truthful answer than to guess at what her real feelings are in the vain hope of making her always happy about absolutely everything that ever happens.

Just one thing, though. Your short-term memory is what tells you you've left the hot tap running or a pan on the stove, so in relation to her being safe alone at home it is much more important than remembering the presidential succession, for example. How unreliable is hers?
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Daughterof1930 Dec 2021
“the smell of burning martyr” Haha, I think that just made my day!
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She is being ungrateful, manipulative, and all around a senior brat. SUPER ungrateful I might add.

The more she whines, the more you tell her that fine, you will have to stay in respite care for when we are gone or have a full-time sitter. Either way, SHE will have to pay for it and the prices are not like 1975 like so many entitled elders believe.

She wants to be a reasonable adult? Then she can stop whining about how she can't be alone. If she truly can't, it's probably time to investigate said other options before this gets worse and worse for you.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Absolutely right.
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I hope you do the getaway with zero guilt or misgivings. And I hope when you return you’ll seriously consider whether this living arrangement is really good for any of you
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Unfortunately, this tendency to be two-faced is all too common in the elderly. They become self-absorbed, tho they insist they’re not. Just let her know what your plan is - DO IT - and come back smiling. Your life comes first: it simply must. In some ways, you must now be the parent. You set the routine that you can manage, Get some help wherever & whenever you can: parents forget that adult children cannot - nor should they be expected - to do it all. I say this on my 84th birthday & mean it!
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Go with your husband. Your entitled to some time without her.
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Just a quick question...how is it you found out that she's been telling all her friends how "disgusted" she is with you wanting to go away? Is this something you've overheard her saying, or have you been informed of this by one of her "helpful" friends?

Whether or not you should go - and I think, absolutely you should- if mom has really been saying these things behind your back, maybe have a conversation with her about it. It doesn't have to be acrimonious, mind you, but if you're going to continue to stay with her as her primary caregiver, it might be better to clear the air, so to speak.

However, if you've gotten this tale from a third-party, please bear in mind that there are people in this world that take sadistic pleasure in causing this kind of strife between people for no better reason than it entertains them. It could very well be a "friend" asked mom "don't you think it's disgusting they would leave you alone, you, a poor widow? " and when mom made a noncommittal response, this person runs to you with the tale that mom is "disgusted" with you. If you've gotten this information from another person - not something you've/husband's overheard yourself, please consider strongly the source of the information before you condemn mom.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
hugs!

you wrote:
“It could very well be a "friend" asked mom "don't you think it's disgusting they would leave you alone, you, a poor widow?””

i really don’t think so.

in addition, OP knows her mother, and knows whether her mother would say such a thing.

if OP had any doubt, OP would have said, “i’m not totally sure if my mother said this.”

——
it’s very hard to feel happy in general every day…or on vacation…when a parent criticizes, tries to make you feel bad/guilty, ruin your day/vacation.

silent treatment (your mother not wanting to talk to you) also causes stress/emotional rollercoaster. nothing good.

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double message:
go, but don’t go…

it’s like “go have fun, don’t think about pooor, miserable me. don’t cancel your plans. enjoy. i’ll be sad. don’t worry about me.”

——
one would have to be superhuman to be totally unaffected by one’s parent’s criticisms/etc.

——
from this website, we see that many elderly people try to drag down/drown their children.

i’m talking about the elderly parents who do this intentionally.

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it’s really too bad so many of us sweet, caring people are entangled with difficult people, who try to make us unhappy.

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enjoy your vacation!!!!! :) :)

i’m sure your husband is also saying, “let’s enjoy it.”

:)

husbands/wives normally have wise/encouraging words to say to each other.

hug!!!!
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You definitely have the right to take your mini vacation.You also have a life that has to be lived.If your mom is being taken care of while you are gone, go for it.Continued care without a break will only lead to problems and resentments down the road.My wife and I are caring for her mother and we took a whole month off and had PSW’s care for her while we were away.I think her mother showed more appreciation for us when we returned.It was a win win.
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You should take a longer break. I want to go oin a cruise but it would be the first time I did it without my wife. She has advanced dementia. I just don't have the courage to do it.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
Oh, so sorry. But as someone who loves cruising, go on the cruise. There are lots of solo cruisers, some single, some not. It is so peaceful and enjoyable and when you return, you'll be so relaxed.
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