My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should I lie to him?

My Mom is 83, and declining... it is hard to watch... However I am thankful to have her with me. I even agreed to go the Mother/daughter tea at her church...

Yes hug and kiss her as much as she will let you. My mom was one that everyone loved. She had such a gentle way about her. Never took sides. But I believe I will see her again in a place much better than this. Some don't think about how it will be after they are gone. Our family never felt complete after she died. So I say to all of you enjoy your parents while they are here. They may not be the best but they are the only parents you will ever have. Try and look over the faults if they have any.

I agree with you, lhardebeck. Forgiving and moving on in life is a blessing. Not letting go is like a dormant cancer cell, waiting to spring into action to do its worst.

Thanks, Reba! The hardest part for me these days with caring for my Mom is seeing her health decline before my very eyes. It breaks my heart.

It must have been so hard for you to have lost your Mom at an age when a young lady really needs her Mom to help her navigate growing older. A good reminder for me that in my 50's, I am still blessed to be able to see, chat with, and hug my Mom and let her know how much she means to me.

God bless you all for being such sensitive caregivers and people.

My mother has started askin me if I've seen my brother who died when I was 13 and he was 17. I just tell her things like I see him in my heart everyday.

isablecares and reba , it wasnt my sister that passed away , it was my mother in law s sister (mil) . sorry for misunderstanding , it took me a while to see what mil means ,
ah mother in law . thank you anyway for sayin im amazing :-) .
sometimes its hard to forgive someone when they were hurt deeply , but in the lord eyes we have to forgive and forget, but it doesnt mean i have to speak to who hurt me deeply , only the lord has to deal with the ones that hurts whoever .

beta42, that is good she forgave her. It is a must for us to forgive or our Father in heaven will not forgive us for what we do. Forgiving people is a wonderful thing to do. It give you peace like non other

IsabelCares, that is ok better late than never. We need people like you to help with your kind words. I hope it isn't too bad with your mom. My mom died when I was 15 and now I am 74. That is a lot of years without your mother. She was a beautiful person with love that was Christ like. She missed seeing her grand children and they missed a wonderful grandmother. God bless you both.

lhardebeck, you are amazing dealing with the loss of your sister to Alzheimer's and being a caregiver to your Dad who has dementia. You are right about those of us who choose faith as our way of life. Sometimes my favorite prayer is staright from the Bible, "Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief."

beta42, that is beautiful how you handle the situation with your Mom, encouraging her to forgive. Keep encouraging her. You're a blessing in her life.

Sorry, all. I just saw that the original post was published in October 2009. My reply is April 2010. Just saw the most recent posts.

I am sorry about your challenge with your husband's memory. I do both when my mother asks me about her mother's whereabouts. Sometimes I tell her she'll see her again one day, in heaven. I then remind her that both of her parents and all of her siblings are dead. Occasionally, she reminds herself, with a heavy heart that they have all died, and starts calling them each by name as she expresses how much she misses them. While I try to avoid shielding her from the truth, I would say that your husband's crying needs to be your focus. When my mother asks me about her Mom, she is not crying. That is my cue that I can seek to converse with Mom gently in real-time, rather than having to tip-toe around heavy duty emotions for her, or myself. It all depends.

Another way to approach might be to ask, "You sure do miss your mother, don't you?" That, and a hug, sometimes help to support the person's feelings of loss and loneliness, and in some instances, if done consistently, may eventually lead to a place of greater acceptance, as seems to have occurred with my Mom. I am a huge believer that tears, whether my own, or my mother's should not be suppressed or repressed. Tears are the key to emotional healing, if we allow ourselves to feel the emotion. Then again, that's just me, and it does work in my caregiving role as well. I hope it always will. If it doesn't I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Sending a hug to you and your dear husband.

when my mom mentions her mom i say (her mom is deceased) she loves you - she said - you dont know my mother- i said - she said she is sorry ( i dont know what her mom did to her) and she loves you- and she didnt mean to be mean to you- my mom sighs with relief and i told her that she needs to forgive her for what she did- thats all that left- first she said never- then i told her that she has to forgive her because the hatred is in her heart and is not good for her health and she needs to move on- she said ok- and we said a prayer and she asked god to help her forgive her cuz she cant do it on her own. few seconds later she said rather loudly ( we were in the ER room- she had fainted- shes fine- in case your wondering why we were there) "thank you god" lol- and my mom is not religious. has not mentioned her mom since!!!

lhardebeck, Thank you and I am so sorry to hear about your sister. You have been a big help to me with our conversations about your Pa and Ed. God bless you

reba , i am so sorry for you to feelin down about all that . yes 55 yrs of marriage is gotta be so hard to watch ur love ones slippin by .
losing faith is so easy to do , i know i would lose faith and then gain it back and yet lose it again and so forth . just keep talkin to the lord , he only knows when he can take ed .
things happens for a reason .
i was plannin to take pa out to see my aunt today , well he couldnt get up and took him 2 hrs to finish his bfast . and he slept all day . today his dementia is a bad one , acting like a small child . so sad so so sad . maybe tmr be a better day .
which is my birthday ill be 48 .
my mil s sister passed away last week cuz of alz . i just hope the lord takes ed and not let him suffer and watch you suffer along with him .
i sure wish i could come and visit you , one day i will .
god bless you reba xoxoox

I do understand Reba and I am so glad you have help and support... please take care... Jaye

No I am not part of a support group. I have a sister, son-in-law, son and my daughter who helps me anytime I ask. My son-in- law gives him his bath when I am too tired. My sister stays with me 3-5 days a week. But soon I will have to put him in Hospice. That will happen when he stops eating. I just can't do it as long as he knows me. That would kill me. Thanks.

It is hard to watch someone we love fading away from us... Reba are you part of a support group for caregivers? This could be helpful for you... Do you have some help to care for Ed? Think about doing those two things to help you too, okay! take care, Jaye

I feel my life slipping by with nothing getting done. There was so much I wanted to do before my life ended. Here I am watching Ed die day by day. People ask me well where is your faith and I say right now my faith is weak because I find it hard to pray for Ed. I had been praying when he first came down with AD but as time went on just like the disease is eating up his brain - so was my faith. When you don't see results you know it is time for death to take them home. No matter how much you pray when your time is up - it is up. I ask God why and we will never know the answer in this life. But the day we are with God it will not matter then.

Ed has lost so much weight and looks so thin and I will be glad when it is over. He talks to me and I can't understand a word he is saying. What an awful way for two people who have been married for 55 years to end.

They say he will stop eating soon and that will be the end. I hope all of you don't mind if I cry a little. I think about you a lot and wonder how all of you are doing in your caregiving. It is a hard job and no one knows just how bad it can get until they have done it. So know that I do think about you and wish your day to be light and that the Lord will give you a blessed day.
Love, Reba

Carol Bursack wrote an article for AgingCare on this topic that could help you in your difficult situation. Check it out:

https://www.agingcare.com/133806

Marie, Thanks for the hug. That always helps and to know there are strangers out there willing to talk with you. Strangers at first but we all become good friends ready to listen and pray for each other. May the Lord bless you and keep all of you safe.

I worked in a hospital over 55 years ago and cared for the sick but this is different. I am 74 years old and it is a 24/7 as you know. But I am not young anymore and when you are my age you can't do what you did back then. I loved my job at the hospital and wish I was younger so I could do it again. Thanks for your prayers, a person can never have enough of them. I know the Lord is with me and He gives me the will to carry on. God bless.

I know how you feel and i wished i could help you i enjoyed doing this type of work just as long as my family is not involved..it stated with my gr father, i used to skip school just to care for him until my mom found out,My dad knew it but he told me i had to tell her and he would give me time but i guess my time ran out i have a passion for this work you know back then they called it OLD TIMERS DISEASE.,now they done slapped a name on it and it hurts..i just never thought i would be taking care of my own father.i couldn't leave him in the hands of my sisters and brothers they would hav gotten tired real quick and would have put him in the nursing hm..and i refuse to let that happen not with all of us GIRLS in nursing, but i enjoyed it and to tell you the truth i miss doing it so from the bottom my heart i wished i could give you the break but just try and keep your strenght up andi will be praying fro you

Thank you. I am not so strong anymore. I am tired all the time and never get enough sleep. But I know the days are going to get much worse. I do have some help but not enough.

yes reba but dnt give up my friend stay strong

Ed is eating less and less. I know they stop eating but is this how it starts?

ihardebeck I was wondering why we hadn't heard from you. Bless your heart you really do have your hands full. God's Speed to you and your family.

ihardebeck if this is what you choose then do so im not condeming anyone for telling their loves ones the truth or not i just merely said i couldn't do that and as far as my dad crying as long as i was there with him he needed me i was there the whole time so i felt i didn't need to lie to him and i tel lhim mom is resting also and she is waiting on him and i truly understand. do what you half to do, i did it the way i felt best i hope things go ok for you and ur loves one

Bless your dear heart for all you're going through. Praying for your dad, husband, and of course, you.

tell truth first time watch them cry and go into dpressions then they heal and ask wheres ur momma ?? i decided i couldnt stand there to watch him cry and go into depressions so i tell him shes a resting , which she is restin or sleeping .
last night he ask me where is ur momma ! i act like ididnt hear him say that , he said oh nowi know i think she went to church .. i said pa u need to sleep u have be awake all day long ..
my daughter told him yesterday morning that i had takin my husband to heart hospital . sadly he needs a open heart operation and will by pass his one viens that has 6 stents in it one is plug up 90 percent , replace it with veins out of his leg , the other vien has 70 percent blockage and then the other vien has 80 percent blockage ,
will find out today when he will goin to have that operation fri or monday .
i came home last night he said where have u been !!?? i told him , he said yes he had his done before too lift up his shirt and showed me his scar . said its a long road to recovery then ask me wheres ur momma . :-( .
i need alot of prayers , my husband has cornary atries disease . his father died from it he wasonly 56 , my husband is 53 , and many grandfathers died early age from it . his sister had first heartattack at 39 , she has 8 stents in her .
a horrible disease ,
now i have myhands full , takin care of my pa and my husband , its a sad sad times for us . pa is not well , his dementia has gotten worst . so is it worth to keep tellin him momma has died ?! nooo i am done with sadness and dont want to watch him cry .
the lord knows and understand why we lie ....

well i guess everyone has a different way of explaining it to there love one..thats best one ever for me..no lies

jbtrfly, You are so right. We will hear him say something that we understand. 99% of the time we don't know. When he is sick or in pain he can't tell us what is wrong. If we ask, are you in pain it is always yes. If we ask where, he would point to something in the room. So we don't think he understands the question. Is is so sad to see him like this, he was a college man and now he is almost like a 2 year old. He may understand us but he is not able to tell us.