My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?

Oh so heartbreaking! Your husband is very fortunate to have you as his support and strength. If he does decide to go ahead and chat with his father, I know you’ll be there to help him through it. If he decides to forgo the opportunity to meet, he already has a wonderful family with you and your girls “in his corner” so he will not have regrets about either choice.

It sounds as if his dad is having regrets about choices. Maybe he will apologize? In any case, your hubby has the power and control, which is empowering in this situation. Having the support of his family for whatever he decides to do is very reassuring.

I wish you the best!

Take the high road . . .

My suggestion is yes, go immediately to visit. 25 years is a long time to hold a grudge. Offer to go with your husband (for support) and take photo albums to share with him. He reached out@ 95. Politely honor an old man's request.

I was estranged from my father for many years. He and my mother divorced when I was 7. My mother quickly got remarried to a man she had been seeing before the divorce and they did not allow me to see my father anymore. We did not reconnect until I was about 20. We forged a relationship of sorts but it was difficult for us - we had lost so many years and, even though he remarried, he was still very bitter about what happened. He was living in Florida when he became seriously ill (I am in NY). As soon as I heard he was ill, I called and spoke with him. Then I got on a plane and went to see him. The flight was costly -- over $700, but it was definitely worth it. We got to talk to each other and say things we should have said years ago. He passed a couple of weeks after my visit. If there is one thing in my life that I can say I am glad that I did, it would be going to my father before he died.

Life is much too short to hold grudges and it does no one any good. Put aside the differences and make your peace while you still can. When your father in law is gone, you will be glad you did.

I may visit but be aware...he may want more than u are willing to give. Take it slow and easy. He needs to realize that "he" caused the estrangement. That things may not to be "warm and fuzzy". He should expect nothing from you.

What your FIL did was self centered. What he wanted was more important than allowing a family to grieve. He showed no respect for his late wife. I doubt if he has changed.

Sorry, I don't think I'd be so nice. He thru his own son and grandchildren under the bus from some ole lady who was nasty to you. The ole man is now alone and wants a relationship. He needs you now that the nasty old lady is gone. He made his own bed, he should live in it. ANY relationship now would be only on his terms and make your life miserable. Sounds to me like he's using you. 95 and dying or not I'd go see him and and ask why he didn't want to see you all these years. Final closure and put it it to rest. Funny how mean people can be then at the prospect of death think everyone should roll over and forgive the past. My sister treated myself, my Bother AND our Mother very badly, Never visited my Mother even when she was in a nursing. Was always asking my Mother for money when my Mother was living only on a small ss check. Constantly wined about me being Mom's favorite when the only time she saw my Mother was when I paid for the plane fair. As soon as my sister's husband died, she was alone and more so when she knew her days were nunbered she want's a sisterly relationship. I called her shorthy before her death and I'm at piece but other than that had she not died I would not be having a relationship with her. She was old too but that doesn't mean I was willing to let her disrupt my life. She only wanted me after her husband died then on her death bed. I forgave her years ago before her death but have not forgotten how she ditched her family. My Mother died several years ago and I'm very fortunate that I continue to have a good relationship with my Brother.

I have to wonder if this story would be told the same if it was from a different viewpoint, such as the Father's or a family friend. Hard to objectively describe a situation when you are so emotionally involved! I would stay the hell out of it and let Father and Son work it out! There is a good chance there will be resentment toward you after the father passes if you are so critical and judgmental toward him, regardless of his irresponsible decisions. It is like telling someone how worthless your children are and having them agree with you!

do what you feel is right for this problem,but remember that everyone makes choices. good or bad,but these choices stay with you .

You have a right to feel that you and the kids are better off with the status quo but please encourage your husband to do this both for his Father and for himself.
His father dealt with the loss of his wife the best way he could, most likely. These are two separate issues, how he moved on and his late-life desire to reconnect.
Forgiveness can be liberating for your husband and a gift to his father that will be noted by the Father of us all. Some never get that chance.

He'll be dead soon ( the father) and he wants to clear his conscience.  Go see him.  It will help you as well.
My mother refused to see my dad when he was dying, and then he died.  My mother has had guilt now for 25 years over what he wanted to say to her.  I can only guess his intent.  We will never know.  It is a long time to wonder and wait.  Think about it.

Grieving is a process, but so is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not acting as if the "problem" did not occur but moving from a place of hurt to living in a place of peace. Seems like FIL wants to get to a place of peace with his family, you included. He may feel the need to apologize or make amends. I suggest the you both also need to move from bitterness and anger to a place of peace. You both feel a need to vent your anger, and I encourage you to do so with counsellors, faith leader, and/or God. You will need to explain to your FIL why you have felt so hurt over the years and how this has led to the distance. Remember that your feelings "belong" to you and not your FIL. You don't have to become best friends or give "trust" but maybe you can get to a place of mutual respect.

My friend told me a saying awhile ago. It was- women morn and men replace. It is about death or divorce. Women take time morning a relationship, and men usually replace it with another person quite fast.
Perhaps your FIL felt so much pain he didn't want to deal with it. A new woman made him feel better about himself and he wasnt faced with the pain of loss every second. Alone in the house. That's why the fast jump. I'm not saying that is right at all. Sounds like what he did. I doubt it was done to dishonor his wife. It was done so he didn't have to deal with the constant pain so much. To not feel so alone. He had something to do.

If your husband wants to see him it might be cathartic. Your husband can tell him exactly how he and your family was treated. Get it off his chest. He might not want to go back after that. At least he can tell his dad. Maybe just say it over the phone.
Who knows what we would do or feel when deep grief strikes. Esp being older and feeling like time is running out. The woman made him feel alive and needed again. With goals and dreams and actions. Not like a grieving mate to be pitied. With the grief always there, no end in sight, rattling around in an empty house alone with everything to remind him of his deceased wife. Again not saying it's right, but probably why he did it.

Good luck whatever your husb decides.

If it were me I would likely reconnect but in baby steps. I would hear what Dad has to say and take time to process it before going futher. Your FIL broke trust when he abandoned his family, it takes time to trust again. If your husband does decide to reconnect it should be because it is something he feels safe doing.

Reconnecting might end up being a wonderful thing... or, not so much.

No matter what his choice I'm all for the forgiving thing because it releases us from emotional chains and burdens. However, forgiving does not mean we have to resume a harmful relationship (if that looked like the case). You can still forgive without reconnecting. Forgiveness happens in our hearts

I hope that you will update us on your husband's final decision. I think that either way he, himself, decides is just fine, as long as HE has perfect peace with it. My partner never did much like his Mom, who was a narcissist who spent her life attempting to control him, and who honestly had no self reflection at all. Ever. She had spent his early years threatening suicide, getting attention any way she could. He made his duty calls ever Sunday. And when she died he simply said he didn't have to call any more. He had perfect peace. I think that is what it takes to move on without contact. If he chooses no contact it could very well be nice to send a gentle letter to the Dad at that point, to say that he is sorry, but he no longer feels any connection. To wish him well, and to say he is going on with his own life now. There is no longer any reason at all to go through the "accusations" of he this and he that. And no one can know his motivations. He may be seeking peace. He may be seeking a safe place to end his life. That isn't even really the question. The past is gone. The future is up to your husband. The goal here is not to hear "sorry" to my mind; what could that possibly accomplish? The goal is for your husband, who is our concern here, to do what brings him, and him alone, the most perfect peace with it all. I sure wish your hubby the best in what is for him a decision only he can make; the less input he is given, the less he seeks, the more he examines his own inner feelings, the more peace he will have whatever he decides.

Because of the character restriction, my post will be 2 part (nothing new!)

First is just relating in a different way:

Our family "story" was slightly different. Ex's mom and dad split when he was very young. No contact, and while I don't know the circumstances, I sincerely believe that is how his mother wanted it - I believe she kept him away.

Shortly after we married, at a supposed birthday celebration for me, his mom and stepdad dropped the bomb that their (ex and sister's) dad wanted to meet (gap was about 20 years.) They left the decision up to the 3 of us (sister was recently divorced.)  Happy birthday to me, eh? Sister basically told me it was the 3 of them for so long (mom+kids) and that I had no say, which suited me fine! They decided the three would meet, mom went along too - probably to help eliminate future visits (domineering type she was!) I was, thankfully, left out!

Sister maintained the most contact, but mostly to get whatever she could from him. At some point shortly after, my ex asked me to meet him at a local restaurant/bar, with no reason given. He was there with his dad. I had no feeling either way, as this really wasn't my business! Of course mom had feelers around town everywhere, so he gets the call that we are to go to their house for a meeting. I told him YOU go, this is NOT any of my business! She was SO angry that the kids would have ANY relationship with him, he had no business after all these years and didn't EARN the right to be a grandfather (I had my daughter prior to one of his rare visits.) I held no animosity to this man or his wife - they did nothing to me. Even if I knew the whole story and he stayed away on his own, there was no logical reason for me to shun these people. They came one Christmas after my son was born too. What am I supposed to do, slam the door in their face, just because MIL held all this resentment??? She would find out and get angry about it every time (usually sister, who was the schmoozer with the dad, would tell mom that we "entertained" him and his wife!) Talk about harboring resentment! Every time she would go ballistic!

So, on to my thoughts about hubby's decision...

It’s a difficult time for you, with concerns about your mother, her returning home, etc. Don’t let the past affect you negatively. Harboring old resentments can make it all more difficult for you!

Using some of your comments, my take on it:
"Anyway, I feel FIL is somewhat different. He was in a vulnerable position and he allowed her to take advantage of him, emotionally and financially."  Despite her trying to wedge her way in, he was the patsy, SHE was behind all the hoopla. When you resisted them, they moved on. Your hubby wasn’t a kid abandoned. They took the hint and moved on with their life. Clearly they weren’t welcome, so how can you blame him for "abandonment?"

As some have noted, many men cannot "cope" without a woman to care for them. My ex married again (poor choice!) after we split. He married again after they split and even was known to cheat on her! He was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, so that side of the family is all gone now.
"I’m glad he is in an assisted living facility and is being looked after. We don’t hate him. The closeness is gone." There is no need to become close, but one can still be civil.

"We haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He made his choice." Again, they moved on because their attempts were rebuffed (the need to grieve loss of MIL was legit and his new SO's behavior was unwelcome so it is understandable that you shut them out.)

"My husband played the voice mail for me. He sounds extremely weak like he is at death’s door. I don’t want my husband to have any regrets about not seeing him before his death is all. I am fully aware that only my husband can decide and I am not going to try to influence him in any certain direction. He needs to figure this out himself. Last time I stepped in to help my children and I were trampled on so...it’s their ballgame. I do support whatever hubby chooses."  Yes, this IS his decision and YES you should support whatever he decides to do. Clearly if he chooses to go see his father, you don't have to be involved. It’s between hubby and his dad.

I see no problem with hubby going to visit at least once, to see him and perhaps bury the hatchet. I suspect most of the issue was the second "wife" and she’s out of the picture now. Holding resentment can really wreak havoc on you. You don't have to forget what was done, but it is in the past, over and done with and can be forgiven. My ex's behavior, though he never "left", was abysmal but he was still their father, so I did not discourage contact with him. I did have to play go-between often, because of the emotional baggage he (and his mother) would put on the kids! My ex's mother developed some kind of leukemia and with each round of treatment it got worse until she passed, sometime in her 70s. His sister passed before the mother, with some other cancer and a brain tumor. Dad passed long before and stepdad somewhere in between (had kidney replacement twice.) In some way I think MIL brought that on herself.

"It’s been over 25 years since I’ve spoken to him. It’s terribly sad because we were very close before all of this mess. Neither my husband or myself expect anything different now. I suppose he just wants to see his son before he dies. He is 96. He may live longer or he could die tomorrow."  These are the reasons I think perhaps the resentment needs to be set aside - you were all close before MIL's death and this woman wedging herself in. She is gone. It is hard to pick up the pieces after so long, but let hubby make peace with him/the situation and move on.

I do like lablover64’s summary:
“Life is much too short to hold grudges and it does no one any good. Put aside the differences and make your peace while you still can. When your father in law is gone, you will be glad you did.”

You won’t owe the man anything and being the “bigger” person in this instance can be cathartic, for hubby and maybe even you. In the end, it is his decision, just be there to support whatever he decides.

If your husband wants to then it is up to him. It needs to be a peaceful time for your husband and the Dad Hopefully wants to settle things.
Bless you for your love and wisdom in this

It sounds to me as if this is a father/son problem rather than a *you* problem. Hopefully you are appreciated by him for caring enough to ask here!

I don't know. My mother passed away last summer, and sometimes things come up in my mind that I never asked her. There were many years were we had a prickly relationship, although we were never estranged. I am grateful that she and I were finally able to get past all that. Maybe your husband can too, with his father. He doesn’t know how it’s going to feel when it’s too late.

If there is nothing your husband wants to know or to say to him, maybe he shouldn’t go, but I would probably go anyway, just so I would have no regrets. His dad may not live too much longer, and now he’s alone. What is the worst that could happen if his son made the drive to see him?

You and your husband were all grown when his dad remarried. I would hope I would have been happy to see my mom get remarried after my dad died, if she wanted to, on her own time, not her kids.’ I knew a lady whose adult children disapproved of their mother’s remarriage, and like an idiot she deferred to her kids and ultimately died alone.

Your FIL was an adult who had already raised his kids, and life is for the living. I find it hard to blame FIL for grabbing another chance at happiness (trying to, anyway; sounds as if he picked a lemon from the tree of love). If you felt a great loss when his first wife died, imagine his. And some men can’t stand being alone; maybe your FIL was one of them.

Full disclosure: I started dating my husband about 4 months after his wife had passed away. She died of a cancer that she had lived with for 5 years and they knew it was terminal. Before she died she told him to wait for 3 months and then start dating. She loved him that much. We have been married for almost 31 years now.

What’s past is past. I’m not sure what hubby has to lose by seeing his dad. It’s not as if he’s going to have endless opportunities to do that.

What do you think? No matter what happens. I wish you and everyone the best.

Husband has to step up and take responsibility for his passive behavior and failure to push back against a domineering father and his new overbearing, manipulating wife. You were the casualty of husband's indifferent, casual attitude. Time to get assertive and show a little chutzpah!































































































































































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Most likely, the only reason father-in-law wants to see your husband is because he is at the end of his own life and is feeling a twinge of regret that he had no contact with his own son for 25 years. (I don't think it has a lot to do with the lady friend who died.)

It's your husband's decision if he wants to see his father again - but you certainly don't need to be dragged into the matter.

Have not ever been estranged but my dtr is from her dad. I encouraged her to "meet him halfway" when he reached out. That way, her conscience is clear. Your husband has the same choice to make. Without parents, he wouldn't be here. Can he "suck it up" once and honor the man by showing up. He can be open/honest about how his dad's choices affected him or just stay silent...again his choice. What would make him feel better about himself? It's not an easy decision and good for you for letting him know you will support him no matter what.

Its sad for your husb that he missed out on having a dad for all those years. It's his dad's fault completely but now it would be your husb fault if he never saw his dad alive again. Prob the wise choice: for peace of mind, would be to get it over with & visit his father, whether u want to or not. Just cuz we can face God better when we honor parent: even lousy one.

OP here...First off, I want to thank everyone for responding. Secondly, let me say that we DO NOT HOLD GRUDGES. FIL made choices, he moved on. So did we. We each moved forward with our lives. We became like strangers. No relationship at all!

One thing I really want to say is that a long time ago I asked my DH if he could ever speak to his dad again what would he want to say to him? His answer was, “I just want to know why , and then I would say to dad, “Was it worth it, Dad? Was it worth losing a family who loved you so very much and we were there for you through good times and bad times.”

I thought to myself. my husband has a right to feel that way. Well, now he has that chance to speak to his father and he is unsure if he even wants to see him because he feels what is the point? He feels his dad missed out on grandkids and our lives, etc. Maybe my husband feels it’s too little, too late. I’m just not sure. He isn’t sure, so it hangs in limbo. Just a sad situation to me.

When I mentioned recently about regrets, he still seemed unsure. He feels indifferent towards his dad. That I totally do get because all of us feel that way. I think we all already grieved losing him because we hadn’t seen him for so long! He wasn’t a part of our lives anymore. Does that make sense? Let me know if I need to clarify anything please.

I am so conflicted because I can not ever be angry long enough to go 25 years without speaking to my family!! The situation you explained would make me feel awkward tooo and Im sure I I would BE very disappointed about that. but YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT NOT HAVEING ANY REGRETS !! YOU ALL SHOULD GO SEE HIM I THINK......

Some people cannot be without others. I doubt that your fil wanted a woman who would walk all over everybody, but he was in a vulnerable spot and probably felt there was very slim pickings. I have a feeling that things snowballed quickly and then just couldn't get back on track.
It sounds very complicated, but yeah as your husband I'd want to reunite, only because as old as his father is, he doesn't have much time left. That's probably why he contacted y'all. I'm sure he's been afraid to get back in touch, that took a lot of courage to call. But in order for it to work, they'll have to put the past behind them.
My fil was a horrible, nasty drunk who abused my husband as a child so badly that he lost his teeth! They did eventually reunite, 21 years later, but it took my husband forgiving him - despite my fil denying everything - and my husband even went for [adult] counseling to help him forgive his father. He never forgot, but he never brought it back up after that.
But after that, they spent more time together. His father had quit drinking, and they were able to be close. His father finally passed away, but before he did, he got the opportunity to meet his youngest grandchild.

Would your husband be left with regret if he didn't reconnect with his father, even though dad didn't act appropriately 25 years ago? I see that he may be. It could be made cordial - nothing more if he so chooses.

I think whoever said closure had it right, even though you feel as if he died because for all intents and purposes he did die. He just committed familial suicide. I was thinking he was stuck with an abusive, controlling wife and was feeling a little sorry for him being isolated like that ... until I read your comment about finally getting to live his life "his" way. Wow. Maybe he was a narcissist and your whole family and your MIL too were just players on his game board. I know some people do treat others that way. If it were me, I'd probably want to see the old reprobate anyway just to say, thanks but no thanks. It would be honoring and would model to your kids that you do honor him for his "role" even though you cannot honor what he did to their grandmother. It's good to set up generational models for reasons that we're able to logically articulate. If you really want NOT to see him, rather than a "meh" about the whole thing, that's different. I would probably plan a nice trip to the other town with whoever wants to go, if anyone, and go out for a nice dinner after seeing him to shore up the trip with some good memories. There's no real reason to not see him if there was no actual abuse. It's just a pointless, selfish old man who wants to put his affairs in order, maybe. And it wouldn't hurt you to say okay other than a lost few hours. This is a tough question.

I'm wondering if dad grabbed at his lady friend bc the grief was overwhelming? His wife had a long battle with cancer I'm sure. That must be excruciating to witness day in and out. He couldnt fix it. He could only be there for her.

The new gf and later wife, could hold, and hug, and care for him the way extended family members really cant. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking being there for him. Maybe he needed that crutch. Maybe the wife said I don't want you to be alone after I'm gone.
I think I would tell my significant other that. Go be happy life is to short.

She might have been someone to cling to.
Yes it was very cold to tell son he can finally start his life. Or to shove the new lady friend in your faces like that. That was wrong.Who knows what the new gf was telling him at the time. It was insensitive.

I think son should see him. My mom had a long slow decline. Sibling was trying to turn my mom against me. It was about getting her hands on $. I wish I could have said things to my mom I couldnt do. Sibling was always around. It was almost like she was monitoring the interaction. Almost as if she was trying to block me from my mom. I wouldne be surprised if she told my mom I didn't care. Or mom was asleep when I would visit. I never got that chance.
So I'm for a reunion. At least son can say what he wants to. No regrets. Maybe the dad's new wife wanted to rip him away from his old family. It would remind her that there were people there before her. A family and history she wasnt part of. Of course you were prickly towards her. Why wouldn't you be. So she would probably be prickly back. Still not saying it was right.
I still find myself thinking I'd like to say or ask my mom this or that, and I cant. It's too late. Your husb still has time to close that chapter and maybe have some peace, or just know things weren't left unsaid. Good luck.

Dizzy,

Wow! What an insensitive remark. First of all, I am extremely offended by you calling my husband a “grown ass man” who could have picked up the phone and called his dad! Really? You obviously haven’t read the post. We tried OVER AND OVER to lovingly resolve this until we were blue in the face. For your information, his inconsiderate father IN NAME ONLY, did not even tell us that he moved!

He mailed a package to us of ALL the photos of him with his deceased wife, photos of us and our children, to us in the mail and the return address had another state on it! He had a note saying that his new lady friend did not want him to have photos of his family!

When she moved into his house here before they moved out of state she had removed all of his photos, including his grandchildren and put out only pictures of she and him together along with photos of HER family! Rather cold hearted, don’t you think?

I looked up the address on package, tracked down the phone number and my husband DID CALL! He called more than once, INCLUDING SPECIAL DAYS LIKE FATHER’S DAY! Not to mention all of the time we reached out to him before he moved. He moved because his new lady friend isolated him from ALL FRIENDS AND FAMILY! He allowed her to do it!

My husband was the BEST SON IN THE WORLD TO HIM, ALWAYS! He DUMPED US, so please don’t turn this around and say that my husband dumped him and that he was wrong! Geeeez! My husband had a right to stop calling him and feel as he does. It took his dad, after the new lady friend died, 25 years to make contact! So very sad.

My husband did not have the power to make his father act like a DAD again and truly if something doesn’t come from someone’s HEART it doesn’t mean a DAMN thing! He tried, I tried, my kids reached out to him! It was devastating and heartbreaking for all of us while he was living it up and acting like he had NEVER HAD A WIFE BEFORE WHO WAS A FANTASTIC MOTHER TO ALL OF US AND A WONDERFUL WIFE TO HIM!

How unfair that the new woman lived to be 95! This new lady friend refused to marry him because she said she wanted to keep her money from her PREVIOUS HUSBAND to go to her kids and she demanded that he spend all of his money on a big new house and so they could travel the world! I wonder if he was truly happy because money doesn’t make a person happy. Some of my happiest times were when we were just starting out on our journey. It’s relationships, people, that matter the most.

Fine, she could have gotten a prenup and make a will excluding him. They were not in a community property state.

He has lots of money that he inherited from his DECEASED WIFE’S PARENTS! I am glad he saved enough for a posh assisted living facility. All we wanted was a dad and grandpa to love as we always did!!!

His grandfather left money to all of us. He would be so hurt to know that his son in law spent it on a woman that alienated him from his family and friends. At least he was smart enough to keep some money aside. I saw her obituary. I wanted to throw up! She is buried in a fancy mausoleum in the other state. He had his own fancy mausoleum here. These cemeteries are only for the rich! Good for them! Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean a person has class. My MIL had real class. She was authentic! Not a phony!

My MIL is in the mausoleum too but she really didn’t care about such things. She cared about people. She had people at her wake that she was friends with all her life! The funeral was packed with people who truly LOVED my MIL! I heard such beautiful stories.

He took NO TIME TO GRIEVE AND CRIED IN THE NEW WOMAN’S ARMS THE NIGHT HIS WIFE DIED! Telling her that it was finally over because his wife was DEAD! He said he was relieved that he never had to deal with NON HODGKIN’S LYMPHOMA again with her! Fine, but WE LOVED HER AND WERE GRIEVING.

Do you know who told us he did cried in her arms right in front of my FIL? THE NEW WOMAN! She was heartless!

Thanks to everyone who gets it. Truly gets it! Your support means a lot. Those who don’t, I hope you NEVER live with the hell of screwed up fathers but if you ever do, maybe then you will understand how painful this was for us and our children.

I went to therapy. The therapist said it was sad and that we did all that we could do and it was best to move forward in our lives. So we did. We needed to show our children what real love is. We have taught our children to study hard, work hard, reach goals and most of all to love each other. We are so very proud of our daughters. Their grandfather missed out on so much. Our children missed out on love from a grandfather. Thank God they had my dad whom they adored.

At one time, a very long time ago, DH’s father was a good man but he changed when he had to deal with his wife’s NON HODGKIN’S LYMPHOMA. Then he lost it! The part of the wedding vows, in sickness and health was forgotten. How sad.

Horrible coincidence that the new woman was a volunteer at the hospital where MIL was a patient and the new woman happened to be his old childhood neighbor from uptown New Orleans.

So sad he didn’t let a relationship develop naturally with her instead of trying to rush it immediately, which interfered with our grief process. My therapist said that is what caused the bulk of the pain and confusion. I agree.

I understood when my husband said to me he wondered if his dad thought she was worth it? He was basically an ATM machine to her. Not good enough to marry him but good enough to travel the world with, dine out, go dancing, buy her a new house, plant her rose garden, etc.

He lost all significant relationships in his life. He didn’t stay with her family after she died. Interesting, huh? He must not be all that close to them if he got on a plane to come back here.

My husband had to move forward and I am so very proud of him because he is a ‘real man’, not a man in name only like his dad.

If you would have seen the look on DH’s face when he heard the voice message on his cell from his dad you would understand his conflicting feelings. He felt sorry for his dad but I totally understand his conflicting feelings.

Know what the message said? “Is this my son? I am your dad? Do I have the right number? Please call me if you can.”

I told him that he may want to call because he may not want to have regrets, he did call.

His dad said, “I miss you. Will you come see me?” My husband explained that we are caring for my 93 year old mom with Parkinson’s for the last 14 years and we don’t have free time on our hands and that he is extremely busy with work and so forth but that he would think about it. Whatever is best for my husband is best for me and our grown daughters!

He played the message for me. I cried for what could have been. We could have been a family like we always were. I cried for what we lost. It was grieving all over again.

We are not heartless! We tried. We gave up because we had no choice in the matter. He became a stranger to us. It was his choice, not ours.