My husband has dementia. He has always had anger issues. He hasn't spoken to his brother in a couple of years and can talk very cruel about people I care about. I am still able to work. I work 5 minutes from home. Today when I said good-bye he told me to get out. I am not devastated. I have come to accept my new role as wife/caregiver. I just don't know how to handle this. Please advise me.
Your husband is unable to filter and disseminate his thoughts between his brain and his mouth. In other words, it's the disease. Additionally, if he's had anger issues in the past he's likely to continue having them perhaps to a greater degree.
Try not to argue with your husband when he disparages your loved ones. I know it's tempting to defend the people you care for but it will only agitate him. Try diverting his attention away from the topic. Change the subject, offer to fix him a snack, ask if he'd like to take a walk, etc.
You won't be able to reason with him because he's lost the ability to reason. Expressing your hurt feelings will fall on deaf ears. Do you have anyone to talk to? A close friend or family member you can share this with? Talking about it might help and will keep you connected to people socially as it's very easy to isolate when we're caregiving for someone.
Continuing to work will help as well. It gets you out of the house and out of the line of fire and switches your focus from your husband and his dementia to something else.
If you are dealing with someone who has always been mean and angry, then it must be a lot harder to say "this is just the disease".
My mother is 84, has Alz and it's progressing rapidly. She has her outbursts, usually in private. But she is racist and bigoted, generally can't stand people anyway!, so I had biz cards printed (cheap through Vistaprint) that say something to the effect of "My mother has Alzheimer's. She may exhibit unusual behavior. Please forgive anything hurtful she may say or do and please don't take offense. Thank you." I've had to hand out a couple, surreptitiously out of her line of sight because otherwise she'll ask what I'm doing (which happened once...divert!!).
Two other options for people to whom to vent your frustrations: clergy, if you are so inclined, or local in-person support groups. Many larger communities have them.
Good luck to you.
Why am I so sure this is his problem; FAMILY HISTORY. Father's side has mental issues, how far back I'm not sure and it really doesn't matter. Mother developed Dementia late in life, probably due to STRESS more than anything physical.
He has had anger issues from the start, but his work kept him away most of the time and when he wasn't working - DRINKING.
I am filling you in on this for one reason, as you know and BELIEVE you are not alone and helpful hints from any and all will keep you going.
I find keeping my distance, even in the same house; helps. He likes listening to the NEWS 24/7 and spends hours and hours in the bed listening and sleeping. LET HIM BE.
Don't feel guilty for working away from home, it is your salvation and means of social life.
The anger and need to fight is lessening, after several years and things are more peaceful now. It was a hard stay. but it is paying off as my mind is more at peace too.
Keep up your spirits, we're all pulling for you and here when you need a boost. LOVE
Best of luck to you.
Thank you.
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