I haven’t told him he has cancer and needs surgery. He has totally refused to take the steps necessary to diagnose the extent of his condition but doctors feel it is early stage. How do I tell him and how do I get him to do surgery. I am a total wreck trying to get him to do the right thing. Please help!
U need to realize that going under can make his Dementia worse. Then u have recovery. Whats involved with that.
If you didn't know you had cancer, and someone told you you had to go for major surgery but didn't say why, would you agree? I can't see how you are going to get anywhere at all trying to persuade your husband on the one hand, but trying to keep the diagnosis from him on the other. What have his doctors said to him? Have you and he and they discussed the situation all together?
Then... of course I don't know anything about your husband, or how you and he are managing with his dementia, or what your quality of life is like, or what your plans have been for when he becomes more badly affected over time. But cancer treatment is hard enough for younger people who are otherwise fit and well. What is it going to do to your husband? And what are its chances of success, realistically?
I don't want to crash into your feelings or your peace of mind, here; but have you considered discussing with your husband's doctors the option of not going ahead with the treatment?
The book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is a very insightful discussion of these issues, AgingCare has an article that gives some highlights
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/an-end-of-life-conversation-led-by-gawandes-questions-205721.htm
I'll also include a link to a video on the topic:
https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/being-mortal/