He is in a beautiful AL and gets great care. After 5 months there, he still wants to come home. I can't adequately care for him myself and Long Term Care is paying for the AL home.
Take him to a park for a picnic.. Take him out to lunch. take him to the library or a book store. Take him to a museum. Take him to a botanical garden. Take him anywhere but home.
The only words she said until she stopped talking was:
GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME...
IT WAS SO SAD......
It broke my heart... I AM STILL FEELING THE GUILT...
I purposely did not drive near her home when I took her places... She was still too "with it" to move her, but not enough that she could be by herself...
I tried different routes.. I held on as long as I could before moving her...
Bless you... Do not bring him home... That would be really sad for him..
Thanks for all the insightful responses regarding "taking my husband home for a visit". You are all correct, I think he would want to stay in our home and have me do all the caregiving that 3 people do on a daily basis at his care home. I have injured my back already with taking him to doctor appointments with his wheelchair. The most difficult part is when he says that "he will probably die at the care home" and I know that is the reality of a man who is 87 years old and has multiple health issues & is in a wheelchair. He has some memory loss, but is aware of his surroundings and the reality of his situation. Thank you all again for your replies.
The only unkind thing I ever did to my mother after she broke her hip, even though I did it unintentionally, was to drive her past the little cottage where she’d spent most of her life.
Her face broke into a wreath of smiles, and although she seemed to understand that we wouldn’t be going in or staying, her temporary joy at seeing it for that one last time never, EVER left me.
A “short visit” could never be anything but too long, and could never be long enough.
Why would you consider taking him home for a short visit, what would that accomplish? Assuming dementia is at play, your husband will constantly want to "go home" even while he's AT home. Nature of the beast. They're looking for a place in time rather than a brick and mortar bldg.
Doing something that puts fear in your heart is your gut telling you not to. Go with it.
How will you explain to him that he can not stay at home, that he has to return to the facility? Will he understand your explanation? and more important will he retain the reasoning? And if he puts up a struggle when you try to bring him back how will you handle that? It is a nice thought that you want to bring him home for a visit. But visits like this are fraught with problems. I am sure that it will distress you as much as it will him. Reassure him that he is "home" Tell him that he is safe. Tell him that you love him.
He will never go back to the facility once he’s back home 🏡. You better be prepared for getting in home care 24/7. & then just wait for him to fall & need to go to hospital. Then an Assisted Living won’t take him back because he’ll need more care than they can provide. Hugs 🤗
Leave well enough alone. He’s getting wonderful care, you like the facility, and bringing him home opens a can of worms that you won’t want to let loose.
Many problems along your path will emerge, but this doesn’t have to be one of them.
You say he "still wants to come home". So my question is "what do you mean by that". Is he saying he wants to return to live at home? If so, a visit home is not a good idea. Or is he acknowledging that the ALF is his new home, but he would love a weekend at home with you for a visit? If THAT is the case, then it is worth one try and you will know soon enough if you can continue to do this.
There is no real danger in trying a visit. You WILL get him back to his ALF whether you have to call an expensive EMS ambulance to do it, or have assistance of family, a whole lot of grief and trauma, or whatever else it may take. But I would avoid this trauma if you can, so if hubby has lost touch with reality enough that you suspect he will refuse to go back to ALF, I would not try this. What seems like a beautiful idea may bring only grief to all involved.
I'm sure you are visiting him on a regular basis. This just has to become the new 'norm'. Bringing him back home for whatever reason, and they trying to move him BACK--you are setting yourself up for some real drama.
If you are prepared to have the very real possibility he won't go BACK to the home, then sure, go for it. If you have ANY worries that he'll balk and not go back, then don't do it.
I don't know the backstory of your DH. Was he placed against his will? Did he fight you on it or did he accept the move?
I've seen this situation go any number of different ways. Sadly, mostly negative.
Only you have a clue as to how your DH is going to react.
Take him anywhere but home.
GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME...
IT WAS SO SAD......
It broke my heart... I AM STILL FEELING THE GUILT...
I purposely did not drive near her home when I took her places... She was still too "with it" to move her, but not enough that she could be by herself...
I tried different routes.. I held on as long as I could before moving her...
Bless you... Do not bring him home... That would be really sad for him..
Her face broke into a wreath of smiles, and although she seemed to understand that we wouldn’t be going in or staying, her temporary joy at seeing it for that one
last time never, EVER left me.
A “short visit” could never be anything but too long, and could never be long enough.
Doing something that puts fear in your heart is your gut telling you not to. Go with it.
Will he understand your explanation? and more important will he retain the reasoning?
And if he puts up a struggle when you try to bring him back how will you handle that?
It is a nice thought that you want to bring him home for a visit. But visits like this are fraught with problems.
I am sure that it will distress you as much as it will him.
Reassure him that he is "home"
Tell him that he is safe.
Tell him that you love him.
Do you think it will stop the endless loop of "I want to go home"?"
It won't. Have you discussed meds for agitation with the doctor who supervises his care?
Many problems along your path will emerge, but this doesn’t have to be one of them.
So my question is "what do you mean by that".
Is he saying he wants to return to live at home? If so, a visit home is not a good idea.
Or is he acknowledging that the ALF is his new home, but he would love a weekend at home with you for a visit? If THAT is the case, then it is worth one try and you will know soon enough if you can continue to do this.
There is no real danger in trying a visit. You WILL get him back to his ALF whether you have to call an expensive EMS ambulance to do it, or have assistance of family, a whole lot of grief and trauma, or whatever else it may take.
But I would avoid this trauma if you can, so if hubby has lost touch with reality enough that you suspect he will refuse to go back to ALF, I would not try this.
What seems like a beautiful idea may bring only grief to all involved.
I'm sure you are visiting him on a regular basis. This just has to become the new 'norm'. Bringing him back home for whatever reason, and they trying to move him BACK--you are setting yourself up for some real drama.
If you are prepared to have the very real possibility he won't go BACK to the home, then sure, go for it. If you have ANY worries that he'll balk and not go back, then don't do it.
I don't know the backstory of your DH. Was he placed against his will? Did he fight you on it or did he accept the move?
I've seen this situation go any number of different ways. Sadly, mostly negative.
Only you have a clue as to how your DH is going to react.
I wish you luck in making this decision.