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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We argue a lot out of his infrustation with me! He’s impatient and wants to solve the issue with me, he wants to be the problem and he wants to solve his problems
Men tend to approach things with problem solving in mind. And my experience with my own DH of 30 years is that just the IDEA of me being sick throws him for a loop. I can't imagine what would happen if he had to become my dedicated caregiver 24/7. Don't misunderstand, he would do it. But the impact to him mentally and emotionally might require us to bring in help - because he would - as you say - want to fix it. And not being able to fix things or help the people we love is very frustrating for anyone.
Additionally - being a caregiver is hard. Very hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. People often don't think about that. I once searched for "SUPPORT for people supporting loved ones with depression and anxiety". I wasn't looking for HOW to support them. I was looking for ways to support MYSELF while I was supporting them. Ways to manage my expectations, stress levels, and other impacted areas of my own life. How to help myself.
I don't really remember finding anything that was helpful. What I found was how to be SUPPORTIVE of my loved one. But I was already doing all of that. I needed support for myself - and I couldn't find it.
Frustration as a caregiver is normal. Especially if the caregiver in question has, to date, been used to their loved one nurturing THEM. They feel a sense of loss that they can't explain and even feel guilty about feeling.
Your DH may need some respite - just to feel some level of balance. He may be feeling a great deal of stress over not being able to fix things for you, but also over whether he is doing a good job, whether he is capable of sustaining the care etc.
Men just process things differently. For women (at least in my experience) we tend to look at the whole picture and recognize that something may not have an end date and we have to figure out how to handle that. For me, they tend to compartmentalize and put things in a box, with a play for how to do what needs to be done until their services are no longer required. In caregiving - you can't put a time limit on it - once you start, without a exit plan to find other care for your loved one.
You are carrying a heavy load. Your health is your primary concern and that is not only 100% ok but perfectly normal. But his impatience may come from the combination of everything at once, it may come from not being able to help you, it may come from a sense of permanence, it may come from struggling to carry the load.
Perhaps some respite time for him would refresh him and help him be able to handle things better.
The old "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there is something to that. We solve problems in a different way. You do not mention in your profile why you need a caregiver. So I am going to suggest a few things hopefully it will help.
If possible get another caregiver in to help you. This could be 2 or 3 days a week and it does not have to be for a full day. Just when you need the help the most. this gives you a break from him, lets him off the hook for some things.
If you write out exactly what you need done and how best to do it. Written instructions might help. If he is resistant tell him that you are writing everything out so that if he has to go away for a day or he is sick, or gets hurt someone can come in and know exactly what has to be done. Following a list of instructions might be easier for him.
Lastly..caring for a spouse is a whole 'nuther level of caregiving. Caregiving for a spouse changes the dynamics of the relationship. As a couple you are no longer equal there is a dependence that makes one spouse a more "dominate" person in the relationship and that can skew a lot of emotions.
Just remember that men by nature are not the best caregivers,(and no I'm not being sexist, just truthful and of course there are exceptions to that)and that he's probably doing the very best he can. And men typically are fixers as well, so no surprise that he wants to fix things even though he's creating some of the issues himself. You put you concern under cancer, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Have you thought about hiring an in-home aide to come and assist you so the whole burden doesn't fall on your husband? That just may be an easy solution to your issue and give him the break that he needs. Until then, be grateful that you have a husband that at least is willing to try and help you best he can, even if he drives you crazy sometimes. A little more patience on your end may be just what is needed here. Best wishes in beating your cancer and getting back to the life you enjoy. God bless you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Additionally - being a caregiver is hard. Very hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. People often don't think about that. I once searched for "SUPPORT for people supporting loved ones with depression and anxiety". I wasn't looking for HOW to support them. I was looking for ways to support MYSELF while I was supporting them. Ways to manage my expectations, stress levels, and other impacted areas of my own life. How to help myself.
I don't really remember finding anything that was helpful. What I found was how to be SUPPORTIVE of my loved one. But I was already doing all of that. I needed support for myself - and I couldn't find it.
Frustration as a caregiver is normal. Especially if the caregiver in question has, to date, been used to their loved one nurturing THEM. They feel a sense of loss that they can't explain and even feel guilty about feeling.
Your DH may need some respite - just to feel some level of balance. He may be feeling a great deal of stress over not being able to fix things for you, but also over whether he is doing a good job, whether he is capable of sustaining the care etc.
Men just process things differently. For women (at least in my experience) we tend to look at the whole picture and recognize that something may not have an end date and we have to figure out how to handle that. For me, they tend to compartmentalize and put things in a box, with a play for how to do what needs to be done until their services are no longer required. In caregiving - you can't put a time limit on it - once you start, without a exit plan to find other care for your loved one.
You are carrying a heavy load. Your health is your primary concern and that is not only 100% ok but perfectly normal. But his impatience may come from the combination of everything at once, it may come from not being able to help you, it may come from a sense of permanence, it may come from struggling to carry the load.
Perhaps some respite time for him would refresh him and help him be able to handle things better.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sax-on-sex/202405/ai-finds-astonishing-malefemale-differences-in-human-brain
I agree with the advice that has been given to you by the other responders.
We solve problems in a different way.
You do not mention in your profile why you need a caregiver. So I am going to suggest a few things hopefully it will help.
If possible get another caregiver in to help you. This could be 2 or 3 days a week and it does not have to be for a full day. Just when you need the help the most.
this gives you a break from him, lets him off the hook for some things.
If you write out exactly what you need done and how best to do it. Written instructions might help. If he is resistant tell him that you are writing everything out so that if he has to go away for a day or he is sick, or gets hurt someone can come in and know exactly what has to be done.
Following a list of instructions might be easier for him.
Lastly..caring for a spouse is a whole 'nuther level of caregiving.
Caregiving for a spouse changes the dynamics of the relationship. As a couple you are no longer equal there is a dependence that makes one spouse a more "dominate" person in the relationship and that can skew a lot of emotions.
And men typically are fixers as well, so no surprise that he wants to fix things even though he's creating some of the issues himself.
You put you concern under cancer, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
Have you thought about hiring an in-home aide to come and assist you so the whole burden doesn't fall on your husband? That just may be an easy solution to your issue and give him the break that he needs.
Until then, be grateful that you have a husband that at least is willing to try and help you best he can, even if he drives you crazy sometimes.
A little more patience on your end may be just what is needed here.
Best wishes in beating your cancer and getting back to the life you enjoy.
God bless you.