My FIL has been living with us for the last 5-6 years. He has dementia which is worsening. Recently he has become incontinent of urine and stool, having frequent falls and his confusion is worse. He has a caregiver during the day. My husband is burned out and resentful (as am I). He can hardly stand to talk to him anymore. My FIL has always been a very stubborn man and is an alcoholic. Initially we decided to let him have his wine but with all the recent issues I’ve decided to wean him off with his doctors approval. On top of this we work full time and have two kids. I think my husband has incredible guilt about placing him in a home because he knows his dad’s wishes were always to stay home but I think at this point he would get better care in a professional setting. I’ve tried explaining this to him stating we can’t think about what he wants anymore. We have to think about what’s best for him.
My husband is not flat out against it but I’m definitley sensing resistance. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I literally came home this morning after working 14 hours to him covered in feces, wearing underwear on the outside of his pants, refusing to get bathed because his caregiver took his wine away. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to persuade my husband to see we are getting in over our heads? I really don’t want to be “that wife” that makes him choose between his dad or his wife/family. Despite all of this we do have a good marriage but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope here.
Dear husband:
I have been in your shoes.
I started helping my dad 15 years ago when my mom died. He was in relatively good health, both physically and mentally at that time. As time went on, I had to devote more and more time to help him with the simple things in life and around the house.
After his PCP diagnosed him with cognitive impairment and told me he should not be left alone anymore, I was on my own to find people to help me: my sister lived eight hours away in another state, and my brother’s suggestion was to put him in a facility. Dad asked me to keep him at home as long as possible; I agreed provided that he stayed physically capable/mobile. I had the opportunity to retire early, and since I had no other family obligations, (no spouse or children) I became his full-time caregiver, hiring help as I could to split the days and shifts with me. 14 years later when he entered the late middle stage of Lewey body dementia, I started searching for facilities nearby because my health/quality of life was suffering also: no respite from the situation because if someone needed time off I was the fill-in, constantly taking care of his house/property and my own. My sister, brother and his son helped here and there.
When I moved him to this facility, I was very stressed about how he would acclimate. I needed not to worry, because he never knew the difference. He had plenty of pretty ladies to pay attention to him and he was past the point of knowing if he was at home or not. He is in a safe environment, regular meals, maintenance, housekeeping and laundry provided, and plenty of people there to help him. More importantly, I can enjoy our visits as a daughter rather than being the caregiver, housekeeper, groundskeeper, etc.
You’ve been the loving son; you provided for him as long as you could. Your duty now is to your wife and children. Assess your father‘s financial situation, search for a facility that will fit his needs, move him there, remain that loving son and be the loving husband and father to your family that they want and need. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Your husband's priority is you and his children. His Dad needs more care than you can give. It is no longer what he wants, its what he needs. So much will be taken off your shoulders if he goes into NH. He will be fed and clean. You can use the doctors there so no more appts. If on Medicaid, footdoctor, dentist and eye doctor will come to him. His laundry will be done for you. You and husband should be enjoying your kids while you can. FIL has had his life. Time for yours.
It is not a good situation for you and your husband -probably too exhausted and burned out to be good spouses or parents, definitely too burned out to be giving dad the much higher level of care his condition is now requiring.
My son might prefer to stay at home and play video games all day but school is in his best interest. Maybe not exactly the same - but you are now the adults in this situation. Do what is clearly best for you all.
you are not putting dad on an ice floe - you will visit, take care of his needs, just not take care of his physical needs - the professionals will.
let us know how it goes.
We just had a family gathering at the nursing home.
Dad was asking for wine with the meal. So my brother brought 2 bottles of non alcoholic red wine. He had the bottle covered so you couldn’t see the label. It looked like wine, smelled and tasted like wine. Dad was happy. He had not had a drink for 5 months. He never said anything about it except to thank us.
I would encourage your husband to look at this through what is best for his dad, not his personal feelings. I'm sorry, but we are not obligated to suffer endlessly for combative, mean and nasty family. You have got to do everything possible to keep your marriage in a healthy place, as well as being the parents you need to be for your kids, who count on you. If your FIL is like others I have read about on this site, I would guess that his unpleasant behavior is nothing new. So many grown children continue to have an often well meaning, but misguided sense of what they are obligated to do. I can only tell you that in our situation, my FIL is on the last step before going into a home (i.e. needing a feeding tube/ incontinence) ... I flat out refuse to handle this - and like you and your hubs, I can't hardly stand to look at him. I try to limit as many interactions as possible, which is not easy considering we live in a small, open house where HE is everywhere is seems. If you can't seem to help you hubs understand, perhaps a counselor on aging or some other type of professional help may be of assistance. To be sure, I don't think anyone "goes" willingly, but you have to stand strong and do what has to be done. He will get over it. Please safeguard your marriage and sanity. Keep us posted.
If he wants dad at home then he can deal with the feces and incontinence issues solo.
I have a huge issue with seniors that insist on staying at home in some one else's house. If he was able to live in his own house and hire all the help he needs then this becomes an option. But he guit living at home 5-6 years ago.
Yes, you opened your home and made him feel comfortable but it is still not his house and he cannot expect to have everyone else compromise their lives for his wants.
It is so unfair to everyone, including dad. Who wants their grandchildren to see them covered in feces, unable to dress properly? Not anyone in their right mind. Give FIL his dignity back and let the pros take care of him.
My grandma was in a NH for 12 years back in the late 70s through the 80s. I know she would have rather died then have us kids see the things we did while my mom tried to care for her at home. That makes me sadder than the years I had to visit her at the nursing home.
I pray your husband sees how the kindest thing to do is not always the easiest.
Ps: if the doctor okays it, most facilities will allow alcohol consumption.
My mother had always insisted that she would not go into a home and even though she suffers from dementia now, Dad wanted to honor her wishes. My older brothers who both live 3 hours away hadn't visited since May, one week after I had last visited and as I'm sure we all know the downhill slide for elderly people can be quite significant within a 3-4 month period.
Unfortunately the duty fell on my shoulders to find a home, get them in, clean out their apartment etc, etc. while one brother refuses to speak to me because I could not get them into a long term care facility closer to him. (My brother has always lived in a state of denial. When his MIL had a stroke and required a wheelchair it was his opinion that she wasn't 'trying hard enough to walk'.)
I tell you from my recent experience that it's not easy but it is necessary. Assuming your husband is a reasonable man I would ask him to read some of the responses you will receive and failing that, at least take the time to read the other questions and answers on this forum that are pertinent to your situation. You've got a lot on your plate and I wish you luck and will say a prayer for everyone that has found their way to this forum.
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