I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I was his sole caregiver for 22 months, 24/7/365. Without him there is no reason to get out of bed in the morning. How have any of you got through this? How long did it take? Did you ever really "get over it"?
I'm just so terribly sorry. I know it must be agonizing for you.
Remember that grief is a process, and you can't just wish it away. It takes time, but make sure you're seeing some progress in your grieving as time passes, because if you feel as horrible and distraught six months from now as you do today, then that's not healthy.
Get through the funeral/memorial service, give yourself some time to just be sad, then get the book Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. It's a year's worth of grief lessons, but you read just one page a day. It isn't too much to absorb to be useful, so you just read that one page and absorb the message.
The holidays are going to be tough -- there's no doubt about it. If you don't feel like doing holidays, then don't, or at least do less than you would if that's what you prefer. Just try to avoid becoming a hermit, because you need people around you.
You'll never get "over" your husband, nor should you. You will got over the grief, though, and if you don't get help. Join a grief group or get therapy.
Death is part of everyone's life, and being able to get your head around at least that much will help you heal.
Dear pammiewm, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. The death of a spouse is one of the greatest stressors one can go thru, if not the greatest. The longer the marriage and the greater the love, the more consuming the stress and grief can be. I, too, lost my wife of 52 years. It's been almost 4 years now, and I'll not say that I'm over it (how could that possibly be), but I've accepted her death and I've moved on to a new life. You can too. There's no time limit, nor is there a certain way to grieve. And there is a reason to get out of bed in the morning, that is, and I don't mean to be crass, to move on with your life.
Guilt? You cared for him by yourself. You were there for him. The grief you can't help, it validates your long life with him, but please replace the guilt with gratitude. The gratitude of a long, loving life. The gratitude of times shared, those moments that brought a smile to your face.
There is only one way out of grief, that is to work through it. Working through it means accepting what has happened and deciding to overcome it by creating a new normal, a new life for yourself. It is a decision you have to make. Grief is a process, it may take years to overcome, but you have the ability to do just that. No one else can do it for you. That doesn't mean the tears won't come, or you won't have some sad reflections. So take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. People may tell you to get over it, suck it up, or let it go. Grief doesn't work that way, you can't just get over it, you have to work through it.
The book “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse” may help. Your library may have it or order it from Amazon.
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the death of your husband), the courage to change the things I can (working thru your grief), and the wisdom to know the difference.”
First I will say how very sorry I am that you lost the love of your life. I know what that feels like as I lost mine Sept.14th 2020, after he'd battled many health issues over the years, and ended up completely bedridden in our living room the last 22 months of his life, where I too was his 24/7 365 day caregiver. You are very early in your grieving, so please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself this time(and as much time as you need)to grieve the man you loved. There is no time limit on how long we grieve for someone we loved, and to be honest we never really get over their loss either. We just learn how to live life now without them. After my husband died last year, I found myself wandering around my house wondering what it was that I was now supposed to be doing with myself. It took several months before I began to feel like I could even think about beginning a new routine and life without him. I know you say that you have some guilt along with your grief. Please don't waste your time on feeling guilty, as you must know that you did the very best you could do, and that is all any of us can do. It doesn't do any of us any good to rehash the "would haves, should haves and could haves." We're all human and like I said before, we just do the very best we can, with what we have been given. If you are a church going person, I would recommend getting back into church as that was personally very helpful for me, to be around God's people when I needed them the most. Also I have found the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief" by Martha Hickman very helpful as well, as it helps deal with grief just one day/devotion at a time. When you're ready you can also look into "Grief Share" in your area, as that is a support group for those who have lost loved ones. I guess the most important thing I can share with you, is to just be kind to yourself and don't try and rush your grieving process. For me it was helpful to just sit in my grief when I felt I needed to, and just feel it. Was it hard and painful? Of course it was, but I feel that I have now come out on the other end of it healthier and more whole, and ready to move on with my life, because I didn't try and hide it, or pretend it didn't exist. You must remember that you are not the one who died, and that you still have lots of living to do and that God still has big plans for your life. So do what you have to do, to get yourself back on the track of life and know that eventually your joy will return. That was my greatest reward through it all when I once again realized that my joy had returned. What a true gift from God for sure, and that is my prayer for you, that God will give you His strength, comfort and peace in the days, weeks, and months ahead, and that eventually your joy will return to you as well. May God bless you and keep you.
My Husband died 5 years and 14 days ago today. Do you "get over it"? Not really . I still miss him. There are times I will cry. But there are more times that I laugh. I talk about him, I share things that we did, things that he loved. The grandkids that are to young to have really known him know him through the stories I have told, pictures I have shared. TIME. It takes time to get THROUGH what you are going through. Notice I did not say "get over" . He lives on in your heart, in your mind, in your friends and family that knew him. It is going to take a while to find YOU again. It is going to be a while before you stop waking in the middle of the night to check on him. I thought that after watching my Husband decline for 12 years and on Hospice for 3 that I was prepared. The morning that he died it felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest. Nothing can prepare you for that. I have recently read a book and in the book was a paragraph that I have written down and keep by my computer (next to a couple other things I will share with you) but this is from "The Book of Lost names" by Kristen Harmel. "I used to think that memories were less painful when you held them close. I think perhaps that isn't true though. Now I think pain looses it's power when we share it". Another I keep by my computer: Grief never ends. But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith it is the price of love. And the last: I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you..And then I realized you spent the rest of your life with me.
You are stronger than you know. Find, rediscover yourself. Be kind to yourself.
My Dad was my Mom's sole caregiver for several years before her death and I know he really struggled afterwards with finding purpose. The best thing we did was encourage him to do things he enjoyed that were sometimes difficult to do when Mom was so sick — like playing golf, going to church, and visiting family in other states (she couldn't do long drives or airplanes). But it was still very hard. I don't think anyone ever "gets over" a long and happy marriage, and who would want to?
Remember that grief is a process, and you can't just wish it away. It takes time, but make sure you're seeing some progress in your grieving as time passes, because if you feel as horrible and distraught six months from now as you do today, then that's not healthy.
Get through the funeral/memorial service, give yourself some time to just be sad, then get the book Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. It's a year's worth of grief lessons, but you read just one page a day. It isn't too much to absorb to be useful, so you just read that one page and absorb the message.
The holidays are going to be tough -- there's no doubt about it. If you don't feel like doing holidays, then don't, or at least do less than you would if that's what you prefer. Just try to avoid becoming a hermit, because you need people around you.
You'll never get "over" your husband, nor should you. You will got over the grief, though, and if you don't get help. Join a grief group or get therapy.
Death is part of everyone's life, and being able to get your head around at least that much will help you heal.
May The Lord give you strength, wisdom, guidance and grieving mercies for this new season of your life.
You take it day by day. You'll probable never get over it, but you can learn to live with it.
Prayers and Blessings
Guilt? You cared for him by yourself. You were there for him. The grief you can't help, it validates your long life with him, but please replace the guilt with gratitude. The gratitude of a long, loving life. The gratitude of times shared, those moments that brought a smile to your face.
There is only one way out of grief, that is to work through it. Working through it means accepting what has happened and deciding to overcome it by creating a new normal, a new life for yourself. It is a decision you have to make. Grief is a process, it may take years to overcome, but you have the ability to do just that. No one else can do it for you. That doesn't mean the tears won't come, or you won't have some sad reflections. So take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. People may tell you to get over it, suck it up, or let it go. Grief doesn't work that way, you can't just get over it, you have to work through it.
The book “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse” may help. Your library may have it or order it from Amazon.
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the death of your husband), the courage to change the things I can (working thru your grief), and the wisdom to know the difference.”
You are very early in your grieving, so please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself this time(and as much time as you need)to grieve the man you loved. There is no time limit on how long we grieve for someone we loved, and to be honest we never really get over their loss either. We just learn how to live life now without them.
After my husband died last year, I found myself wandering around my house wondering what it was that I was now supposed to be doing with myself. It took several months before I began to feel like I could even think about beginning a new routine and life without him.
I know you say that you have some guilt along with your grief. Please don't waste your time on feeling guilty, as you must know that you did the very best you could do, and that is all any of us can do. It doesn't do any of us any good to rehash the "would haves, should haves and could haves." We're all human and like I said before, we just do the very best we can, with what we have been given.
If you are a church going person, I would recommend getting back into church as that was personally very helpful for me, to be around God's people when I needed them the most. Also I have found the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief" by Martha Hickman very helpful as well, as it helps deal with grief just one day/devotion at a time. When you're ready you can also look into "Grief Share" in your area, as that is a support group for those who have lost loved ones.
I guess the most important thing I can share with you, is to just be kind to yourself and don't try and rush your grieving process. For me it was helpful to just sit in my grief when I felt I needed to, and just feel it. Was it hard and painful? Of course it was, but I feel that I have now come out on the other end of it healthier and more whole, and ready to move on with my life, because I didn't try and hide it, or pretend it didn't exist.
You must remember that you are not the one who died, and that you still have lots of living to do and that God still has big plans for your life. So do what you have to do, to get yourself back on the track of life and know that eventually your joy will return.
That was my greatest reward through it all when I once again realized that my joy had returned. What a true gift from God for sure, and that is my prayer for you, that God will give you His strength, comfort and peace in the days, weeks, and months ahead, and that eventually your joy will return to you as well.
May God bless you and keep you.
Do you "get over it"? Not really .
I still miss him.
There are times I will cry. But there are more times that I laugh.
I talk about him, I share things that we did, things that he loved. The grandkids that are to young to have really known him know him through the stories I have told, pictures I have shared.
TIME.
It takes time to get THROUGH what you are going through. Notice I did not say "get over" .
He lives on in your heart, in your mind, in your friends and family that knew him.
It is going to take a while to find YOU again. It is going to be a while before you stop waking in the middle of the night to check on him.
I thought that after watching my Husband decline for 12 years and on Hospice for 3 that I was prepared. The morning that he died it felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest. Nothing can prepare you for that.
I have recently read a book and in the book was a paragraph that I have written down and keep by my computer (next to a couple other things I will share with you) but this is from "The Book of Lost names" by Kristen Harmel.
"I used to think that memories were less painful when you held them close. I think perhaps that isn't true though. Now I think pain looses it's power when we share it".
Another I keep by my computer:
Grief never ends. But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith it is the price of love.
And the last:
I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you..And then I realized you spent the rest of your life with me.
You are stronger than you know. Find, rediscover yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sure u will get answers. Different time zones on this forum.