We're in our 70's, married 56 years, and have 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren. When I talk to my husband on phone I cry (not characteristic for me). I try to keep busy, but his absence preys on me.
The hard part is over.
I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes.
He is STILL your husband
Even if you divorced he still is a major player in your life, helped shape who you are as a person. You can not ignore or change that type of influence.
One of the women in the support group that I go to (Have not met in a while officially) coined a phrase that I think is appropriate. She called herself a "Married Widow" sort of says it all. Still married but he is not there physically, mentally, emotionally. She would go visit but it was not the same.
You need to refocus on who YOU are. Keeping busy is one way. But it will take time. Grief is not just an emotion that happens when someone dies. But this is a death just the same, a death of a marriage, of a bond that has held strong for 50+ years. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time. Don't be hard on yourself.
You have done the best that you can, and you have done what is best for him.
Be kind to yourself. If you can though try not to cry when you are on the phone with him, he will not understand the tears. (even more reason to cry..) but it may upset him after you hang up since you do not know what his reaction is after the call.
Sharing with others that are going through similar things can certainly help too, as it's always nice to know that you're not alone, and that others understand. This forum is a great resource for you, and I would also recommend looking in your area for a local support group for caregivers, as I know in my personal case, that has been a real Godsend. Of course now they are meeting on Zoom, instead of in person, but it's better than nothing.
The husband you married is still in there, and he still loves you very much, and I know he's grateful that you have stood beside him through this trying time. You're stronger than you think you are, and again, you are not alone. God bless you as you travel through this next chapter with your husband.
Happy to read the upbeat way you look at the situation,
and you give good useful advice.
Its a joy to see your message- thank you-stay safe-Tashi5
Now each time I go somewhere or eat a treat I have a pang or guilt knowing I can’t share that with Mom. But I have to remind myself that she probably wouldn’t remember our trips, and at 93 had had a lot of treats! So focus on recalling the good times, cherish those memories instead of regretting what you can’t change about the now.
Are you not able to visit because of COVID restrictions or because you don't think you could retain your composure? Most facilities are allowing visitors with certain restrictions. In the late stages of my wife's disease, where she couldn't communicate and lost all mobility, I was there for her and with her because I promised I would be. I know it's difficult, it's wearying, it's not what you wanted your later years to be. But once he dies, regrets of not doing enough can set in. So continue your caring, loving relationship.
PS- COVID did not cause or have any bearing on his dementia. The diseases that cause dementia begin many, many years before the symptoms show up.
Take care of yourself and I am setting myself up so my kids don't have to go through as much as we have already.
It's always the safety and well-being of my mom. Some people in the family thinking about what is left for them. As the financial conservator I told them to stop ✋ all that stressing...mom will out live you. But honestly I plan on spending all of her money 💰 on her. I have calculated her care and life with increase of cost for another 5 years. I have not come to terms with her dementia but as much as the struggle is I have come to awaking. I digress.
Take care of yourself first so you can enjoy what time you have with your loved ❤ one.
My mother is 98 as well. The decline is heartbreaking and so sad. I still have not come to terms with my moms illness/decline. I get support from my family too, but it is so hard sometimes. Good for you for spending her money on her. I am spending all my mothers money on her and don't care what others in the family think. It is her money and I will use every last cent for her.
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