Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
Whatever you do, do not let hubby and BIL bully you into taking care of their mother..
maybe not a good thing, is to show him this website. and do not tell him that it is you. Others are or have experienced the same issue. Does he really think it's a great idea for your marriage?
156 answers in just a few days.. You hit a core with a lot of people who feel very strongly about this. Hope you read all of these, absorb the information, and think about all of these responses!!
And it hurts me to say this and to feel it. But some people are not meant to even be in the same room, let alone live together in the same house.
He will have to pay for his new house/apartment, her recovery, divorce proceedings, as well as child support and alimony. Let him. I dont think he will.
She will also need too much help after a stroke that 1 person cant possibly take care of. Do you have a Hoyer lift that can fit in your home? A spare bedroom or living room that is now housing her in a hospital bed with commode.
I think if you call the hospital and ask to speak with the social worker she/he will tell you what the outcome will be. Some people can recover from a stroke but it's a long uphill battle with a lot of OT/PT and speech therapy usually. I think they would say she is going to a rehab first. Then see what she is able to get back. So you have might a few months or weeks at the rehab. Depends on how bad her stroke and dementia are. You can get an accounting of this.
That is too much one one person with children and no help from her son. I dont think it will come to that. I think he is trying to scare you. I also think hes trying to scare you into doing what he wants. It's the easiest route. Dont let him bully you and the kids. He doesnt get to make that decision on your time. You do.
As far as his mother goes, she is not your responsibility. Your father in law needs to step up to the plate because his wife is sick and acting out of character. Her two sons and her husband need to band together, have her evaluated by a doctor and help her or place her if that is what's needed.
I think you have some issues to deal with, but your mother in law isn't one of them.
Even mother Teresa had an army of nuns to help her. And your supposed to work 24/7 7 days a week. You cant. Good luck.
divorce and get Child Support for the kids. It seems like you take care of the
kids and their needs. Find a caregiver to take care of her daily or put her in
a care facility /self living. You marriage and the vows, does not include your
mother. Stand your ground. Help him find somewhere for her to live. Get some
assistance from the programs offered for seniors who are sick with dementia.
Caregiving is a full time job. You have a full time job with your 4 kids. Someone
will go lacking and that appears to be you if you don't make the right decision.
If you didn't have the kids, then I would say, keep her. You can't do both. Too great of a responsibility. Men are selfish. They have no clue of all the things we
do just to maintain our own household with kids. You will have 5 kids and a lot
more responsibility with just his mom.
To go more deeply into this concerning moms and sons as well as daughters and dads read, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners-Understanding Covert (emotional) Incest.
Many marriages are destroyed of a parent making a child their emotional partner.
If this is the only option he has, he is in for a RUDE awakening. Not only will he lose his family and business partner, but he will have to take care of her himself. If BIL care is indicative of hubby's care, poor MIL (and FIL if he also needs help!) She will NOT get the care she needs.
Perhaps you could suggest HE care for his mom for ONE DAY or perhaps a week (could you take a mini-vaca with the kids, go visit your own family?) Once he gets a good taste, he might then realize this isn't doable. He also needs some education about dementia. As it progresses, and it WILL, does he want his house damaged by pee and poo from his mother? Any other damage she might inflict, because you can't possibly watch her 24 hours/day? There are times you need to tend to other things, use the bathroom, etc and like with a toddler, it can take seconds for a disaster to happen!
Caring for someone with dementia (and any other issues that make it more difficult!) isn't easy, and is nearly impossible to manage for someone who is working, caring for 4 children (regardless of age, unless emancipated) and a house. Hubby needs a head slap along with information about dementia and what it takes to care for someone with this.