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I'm worried about you. Should he attempt ANY violence on you whatsoever, he needs to be placed in a facility asap. No second chances. It's not his fault, but still, you MUST protect yourself.

I'd honestly consider getting some mace or similar... better safe than sorry.
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This must be so terribly difficult to go through after all your good years together. It's not the growing old together that you both had hoped for. I send out a prayer for your safety, your sanity and your well being. I watched my fiancé's behavior change when his brain cancer set in. I had know him since 1979. I was not able to proceed with committing to marriage, not realizing it was brain cancer that made him behave in terrifying ways. But I didn't feel safe around him. if we had been married, I don't know what would have happened. We lost him in March. Hold on to all the good that you can and take care. I am dealing with my aged mother's worsening behavior and just joined this site. best wishes, K
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I must admit that most of your answers and responses have me even more frightened than I already was! I will be contacting my husband’s neurologist to ask him about a geriatric psychiatrist and explaining to him that my husband’s behavior is becoming more agitated by the day, to the point where I’m worried that he may become uncontrollable.
In the meantime, I have set up in home care that will begin in early December, so I will have someone in the house to help manage him, and provide a bit of safety net for me.

Cherokeewaha-it sounds like you are also in a dangerous situation with your husband, and as he actually DID try to choke you, you’re VERY brave to still be with him! I hope you have people nearby to help you, and that you have a lock on your bedroom door in case you are in a deep sleep!

So many of you are in the same difficult situation as I am, and it’s horrible for all of us. I keep thinking I want to keep my husband at home as long as I can because I’m very concerned about the cost of putting him in a memory care facility-they are so expensive, and whichever place he goes, the costs will continue to go up each year, but not so my income:-( So what do you do when you need to keep yourself safe, but to do so, your fear of bodily harm will just be replaced by a fear of running out of money?!? I do have an elder care lawyer, and he has explained that in order to qualify for MediCal, you have to spend down all your money as you can’t have over a certain amount, and while we aren’t wealthy by any means, we still are above the amount needed to qualify, and so I will continue to keep my husband at home since paying out of pocket for a care home for possibly ten years, while still paying off our mortgage, will dwindle my money down to next to nothing. There are no easy solutions in dealing with ANY aspect of dementia-for either the sufferer or the caregiver!
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disgustedtoo Feb 2021
Either you need a different elder law atty or he hasn't explained it right:

"If you are MARRIED and are admitted to a long-term care and you are expected to remain for at least 30 consecutive days, and you have a spouse who is living in the community, then your community spouse may keep a certain amount of the combined community and separate property. This amount is called the Community Spouse Resource Allowance (CSRA) and is calculated based on the day you apply for Medi-Cal. Increases are effective on January 1 of each year. The CSRA for the year 2014 is $117,240. The institutionalized spouse (spouse in the long-term care facility) may keep up to an additional $2,000 of countable property."

Source: https://www.dhcs.ca.gov/formsandpubs/forms/Forms/MC%20Information%20Notices/MC007ENG(0414).pdf

(NOTE: the copied section says that the CSRA listed is for the year 2014. It is likely much higher now, as it notes "Increases are effective on January 1 of each year.".)

ALSO, they should NOT be touching YOUR income. If you have SS and/or a pension, those are YOURS. The whole point is to ensure the surviving spouse isn't impoverished.

The document goes on to say:

"The CSRA limit may be increased if:
• The community spouse obtains a court order for his/her support, or
• It is determined through a fair hearing that both of the following conditions exist: a. A greater amount of property is necessary to generate income sufficient to raise the community spouse’s income to the minimum monthly maintenance needs allowance (MMMNA). The MMMNA for the year 2014 is $2,931 per month. b. Additional income is necessary due to the exceptional circumstances resulting in financial duress."

Again, these values are for 2014, but it does say that MORE can be held back by you in order to ensure YOUR income to a minimum. That was $2,931/month in 2014, likely much higher today. There can be other issues that qualify for the financial duress.

I would have another chat with this atty. Your spouse's assets, when they community assets are split, would have to be spent down. There are legit ways to spend it, such as burial and funeral plans, paying for care either in the home or in a facility. The atty or MediCal can advise you on what's acceptable for spend down.

If this atty doesn't know about the community spouse assets, find another one who does!

We don't live in CA, so it's self pay or Medicaid, but the atty was able to ensure mom had funds in a trust for her, and she was able to keep her SS. Once dad passed, she got his pension (that has to be a special sign up at retirement, which reduces the initial pension some, but allows the widow(er) to have the income when the primary passes.) Medicaid required his SS and pension (I wasn't involved in the details back then, but assumption is they took all his income.)
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I find it hard to believe that your husband hasn’t already been assessed by a Geriatric psychiatrist and a specialist neurologist. Also a stay in a psychiatric ward or private hospital to be observed. Your husband reds to have a special MRI to show the degree of damage to the frontal lobes. He has to go into permanent care and this will be hard to find because it will have to be a special care facility. Are you in Australia because if you do he defiantly should be on a Disability pension. If he is under 65 he qualifies for NDIS and an Early Onset Dementia Key Support worker. Sounds harsh but to speed thing up the next violent outburst call the police who will call an ambulance to take him to an adult psychiatric ward in the nearest major hospital. Here the ball should get rolling. Don’t take him home.
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Panda has a thread on this very topic. No, I haven't dealt with FTD but I know the person suffering from it can get violent. Like said, if he tries to hurt u or himself, call the police and find a place for him. Do not allow him back in ur home.
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