I am a busy executive in a new marriage going on 5 years Feb 2022. My husband and I really enjoyed our relationship combining our households together, decorating our home and finally looked over to our holidays. We traveled every chance we got, even with my hectic career. We both have business acquaintances and friends that we enjoyed hosting at our home. Suddenly, my mother became ill two years ago and passed away at our home after a 2-week hospice. My 85-year-old Dad stayed during the hospice time and never left us since. My husband and I agreed out of love and sorrow that he could stay with us. We did everything we could to help him out, he sold his home, helped him square away his finances and attended to his medical needs. Hearing aides and enrolled him to counseling and introduced him to the senior center where he can find friends. My dad has absolutely no hobbies at all. He was dedicated to my mother and family all he had was us kids. After mom’s passing the family stopped coming around and there was COVID. After a couple weeks, he stopped counseling said he didn’t need it. Things were great still for about one year then he stopped wearing his hearing aides and became a couch potato with the TV blasted. We decided the home was not fit for our situation as there was no privacy and sold our home and relocated. Of course, the new home has not fixed the problem. And now my husband and I are unhappy and I’m sure my dad is as well. 1) my dad refuses to wear his hearing aids; he cannot hear without them and as a result cannot drive. He can’t hear the doorbell, relies on the dogs to bark and maybe he will react. TV is loud where we must ask him to turn it down all the time. 2) because he can’t hear, he interrupts our conversations. If my husband and I are having a conversation, he just walks in and interrupts. I’m not sure if its because he can’t hear, or he just doesn’t think about it. 3) my husband stopped talking to him unless he really needs to because he’s tired of shouting repeatedly so he could hear him. Just very stressful – I’ve asked/begged my dad to wear his hearing aids, asked him why he doesn’t and its one excuse after the other. They are very expensive and I’m always taking him to get them “repaired” and never anything wrong w/them. So fed up w/this. My husband feels that he’s downright inconsiderate and only cares about himself and disrespectful of us.
Another example is my husband has a bulldog that eats a special diet, my dad continuously feeds the dog table scraps. Twice now, he catches my dad red-handed giving the dog food out of the trash, French fries. My husband said, Dad Please no! don’t give it to him and right in front of his face, my dad gives it to the dog and says its just one! UGH! I confront my dad and tell him not to do it again and he brushes it off saying that its not bad for the dog but says he won’t. We set up boundaries that my dad has his bedroom downstairs and for his safety, we asked him not to go upstairs and he’s done it. We worry that he will fall because he falls all the time and refuses to use a cane or a walker. He leaves pans on the stove and had close calls where he sets of the smoke alarms and can’t hear them. We can’t leave him alone and feel confident and have no family members willing to come give us any time off. He's bored & I do what I can to help come up w/things for him.
My husband looks annoyed all the time, has one foot out the door to leave because he cannot handle the situation. We’ve lost our privacy, our social time with friends at our home. My dad on the other hand, walks around like nothing is going on (though I feel he’s also uncomfortable) but not willing to change. He can’t live alone but I don’t think I can live with the guilt I feel selfish & tearing me apart.
I would make sure you have financial and medical POAs set up. Find a good Continuing Care Community for him to enter at the Independent or Assisted Living phase.
This not a "would you like to ..." conversation. This is, "Dad, we have found 2 nice communities for you to look at. We have appointments to see them this week".
Offer a choice of 2; staying with you is not longer an option.
You can no longer provide the levele of care a d supervision that he needs. It's not safe for him to stay alone in your home and you both need the ability to come and go as you need.
Your sanity, you marriage and your ability to remain financially independent come first.
Help dad find a new place to live in Assisted Living and DO NOT feel guilty or 'torn apart' by wanting to live your OWN life now. That's how things should be: you and your husband lead your own lives and dad leads his. And then, if he doesn't want to wear his hearing aids and blasts his TV set on the highest volume, he'll have to deal with his neighbors and not you. Chances are though, his neighbors will also have THEIR TVs blasting so he'll be in good company! And, he's likely to develop a social life of his own once he's living in a senior environment.
We 'children' erroneously think our parents will wither away & die if they're left to their own devices in managed care. But lo and behold, they often THRIVE and have a great time instead. That's how it has been for my parents, who have lived in Assisted Living since 2014.
Also, speak to your siblings and see if they're willing to take their turn having him live with them if that is a preferable option to senior living. Don't hold your breath though, that's my suggestion.
Wishing you the best of luck recognizing the fact that your marriage is more important than anything right now. It's okay to put IT first, and get dad set up in AL or managed care of some kind.
Sounds like for all involved, it's time to move dad to an IL facility where he can make friends (or not) have activities to do and be with people who are like him.
It's not an admission of failure, but rather of common sense and love. Having angry exchanges over dad feeding your DH's beloved dog is a childish thing to have going on.
The deafness thing I completely get. My DH has had H/A's for 3 years or so. He almost never wears them. I have to find him and make sure he's looking at me when I talk to him. Otherwise, I have no idea if he has heard me or not. These were the absolute top-of-the-line H/A's and he won't wear them. He WILL wear very expensive Bluetooth headphones, day and night. He has to have constant 'chatter' going on. Partly to block my voice, but also b/c he doesn't hear anything that's going on in the world. Really, so very sad.
It will be hard, but to keep peace in your marriage, which comes before your care of dad, he should be moved to a home that is more appropriate for him. It will be hard, but he'll adapt.
One thing that 'may' be an attraction for him is that the male to female ratio is like 1/10. The men at my mom's Sr Center are like honey to bees. Maybe some female adoration would not be amiss in this change. I've seen 90 yo women turn positively coy at the sight of an elderly man in the center. It's both disturbing and adorable.
Good Luck to you---this is a hard one and you are not alone!!
He obviously can not live alone, so please do not entertain that. He needs at least AL with continuing care at the same place, if possible. A needs assessment will help you know what type of facility you should be looking into. Your local area on aging will be able to direct you to resources for this next season in your life.
I would not disregard what your husband says, men communicate differently then women and your dad may very well be doing things intentionally to run your husband off. This ensures that you will continue to make him your 1st priority. Dementia is insidious and many behaviors outlive us in their minds. They can be manipulative, conniving, deceitful and very self serving in the depths of dementia, it's a self preservation thing and they are what matters to them, period. Remember that it is the disease and not your dad but, it doesn't change the facts that you have to protect your life and loved ones as well.
My dad actually verbalized that if he could get rid of my husband, everything would be fine, in front of my husband who was sitting on his blind side. Then he tried all kinds of behaviors that showed he thought he was the man of the house. He was not and neither is your dad. Your husband is and he should be treated as such, especially if you really want to save your marriage.
Finding him a place where he can be king of his castle may not make him happy, he will adjust, but, at least you won't lose your husband and happiness. Your hearts were in the right place, you just didn't think it through. Dad should have been allowed a respite and recovery period and then sent home with support in place, as needed.
It's late but, not to late to fix this situation. Of course, placing your dad will be hard, one of the hardest things we ever have to do IMO. It is okay though. You will still be there, only as his daughter and advocate. You will make sure and find the facility that you believe is best and you will advocate to ensure it is, you will move him, if needed but, you will have the man that you chose to spend the rest if your life with at home to comfort you through this.
Talk with your husband today and get a transition plan going. He will love you all the more for making him your #1 man again.
Number one. You will not live in a house with a tv blasting all the time or with people who do not respect your home. He wears his hearing aids, or he can watch tv with the sound turned off and the closed captions on.
Number two. Stop feeding the dog food that you do not provide. Maybe give him a fee dog treats that he can keep and give to the dog.
Number three. He's going to go to the senior center or adult day care three days a week. One or two of those days will be on the week-end. This way you and your husband get time together.
Number four. You and your husband are taking a vacation. So when that day comes he either goes into respite care in a facility or a family member takes him. No arguments.
Number five. He does not touch the stove. No cooking. Agree to bring in some hired homecare companions during the day to stay with him.
Number six. If he can't stay downstairs, put a lock on the door.
Make yourselves very clear that if your father cannot or will not abide by these rules, he will not be allowed to continue living with you.
Your husband's annoyance will very easily graduate to filing for divorce. Believe me nothing can ruin a happy marriage faster than an elderly in-law. Please put your husband first.
If dementia in the mix, compassion and boundaries - however they need to be set. Daddy needs to move out.
the truth is witness to what really happened:
that you faithfully took care of your mother for so many years.
i hope you can rebuild yourself, so that those years weren't lost.
so that nothing was lost.
not time, not anything.
hug!!!