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My MIL can be very sweet at times, but is very much a Queen bee. She is controlling, and very verbally abusive. We live in another state now. My husband is thinking he may be the only person who can care for her. A relative that lived with her had to move because she couldn't take it anymore. I'm in my early seventies, my husband had a heart attack 6 years ago, and I think it's crazy to even consider it. I'd be leaving my adult daughters here & moving to a new state. MIL has a very difficult time with a caregiver sent to her home to help her with showering. She absolutely threw a fit and refused. She has refused to see doctors. We've had to find ways around that with mobile doctors coming to her home. I think finding a part-time home health caregiver would be a help to her. It will just have to be the right person. She dresses herself, can give herself a shower now, can use a microwave and converses well. She is refusing to take walks. Assisted living would be another choice. Ideas?

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My mother demanded in-home care - ME! Only me, 24/7, 365 days per year. She refused to cooperate with the lovely PSW we hired. Tried to fire her and block her from entering. She’d actually try to stop the PSW from cooking, washing up and laundry, insisting I was to do it.

She’d pester us at all hours, pounding on our bedroom door because she was mad about something. Or wanted something. 2am, 4am, 6am... she didn’t care. She felt entitled to my attention and services. Meanwhile, we had to be up for work (husband) and get the kids ready for school (me). My blood pressure soared, I stress ate lots of extra weight and was a nervous wreck. The tension in our home was unbearable.

Do not do it! You will lose your life!
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2, 2024
For anyone else in the situation you were in, my advice would be to go away for a holiday of not less than 2 weeks.
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I plan to tell my husband there is no way I can agree to being her caregiver or moving to another state & giving up everything I have here. Eventually he will see that it's not wise.
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waytomisery Sep 2, 2024
Why would you have been the caregiver ? It’s not your mother . Was he expecting you to do all the hands on care ? He does not get to decide to place you in servitude .
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Assistive Living is the way to go with stubborn elderly .

No family member should volunteer to live with an uncooperative , controlling , verbally abusive person. Other family has already quit living with her .

Furthermore,

The queen bee mother will try to maintain parental control as she sees your husband as her child . She will not listen to him .

There are countless threads on this Forum where people made the mistake your husband wants to make and they are begging for ways to get their parent out of the house . Their mental and physical health suffers , as well as their marriages .

Tell your husband DON’T DO IT. It is difficult to get a parent out of your home when it becomes their legal residence .

Do not move and upend your life .
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MargaretMcKen Sep 1, 2024
No, tell your husband I WON'T DO IT.
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I’d suggest that you don’t go along with this now. Don’t wait until it is set up, wait for it to go wrong, and try to change it then. Try very hard to avoid moving to the new out-of-state house with the MIL suite.

If your husband insists, go to a lawyer and ask about division of assets. If you secure your half, don’t let it be invested in the new house. Then you have at least an option for getting out, if you do get forced into the move.

Even going to the lawyer to ask about it, and then discussing it with DH, is a very very good way to show in practical terms how serious you are about objecting to this. If DH won’t listen, go ahead with the division of assets. You don’t have to leave him or divorce, just secure your financial future in case it really does go wrong. After all, half of the marriage and its funds, genuinely are yours.
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Beatty Sep 5, 2024
"in case it really does go wrong"

Do we have this conversation now? The one about the real risk of caregivers (with known health issues OR healthy) suddenly passing away BEFORE their elderly parent.
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Do not move Queen Bee in.For one thing there’s only one Queen to a hive, and for another her health will only decline to the point where she will have to have an aide in to help with her care as you aren’t exactly a spring chicken and your husband already has a major cardiac history.
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waytomisery Sep 1, 2024
Exactly .

The woman will most likely refuse a caregiver aide to come help at the home . She will expect her son and daughter in law to do it all . She also refuses doctors. This is all available at assisted living .
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Read my post from today. My 90 year old parents just moved into my condo complex and are renting. My Dad just got out of the hospital and my husband who is suffering from radiation and chemo side effects had to pick him up. If he was in assisted living my mother would have someone there for her and her dog instead of me staying being in her apartment all day like a prisoner. This is coming from someone who deeply loves her mother. Read my post. Take care!
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Daughterof1930 Sep 2, 2024
Actually your husband did not “have” to pick him up and you don’t need to be “like a prisoner” These are both choices made by you
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I am 74 and no way would I pick up and leave my family for a stubborn old woman. Your husband has had one heart attack what makes him think he can care for Mom. And I would be telling him he will be doing the caring. Mom needs to be placed.

I had a MIL who chose to move to Fla from NJ. For years she hounded my husband first, to get a job and move down there. Then when he retired it was get a house near me and move down. He just ignored her. Then she got me on the phone and I told her I was not leaving my Mom, my girls and my grands. She said Mom can move down here. I said no, she has her Church and her friends, I was not moving her. My MILs response, "We all have to compromise". I had to hold my tongue but my thought was "Everyone but you".
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AL is a must for her. You two cannot do this! It will destroy your health! Move her to an AL near where you live now - I wouldn't leave my family to go to her. I truly hope the best for you all. I have two Sons who I have already told that when my time comes - don't give it a second thought - just find me a nice AL place and that's it! Mom's orders!
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Answer is no
if she’s abusive now it can only get worse
you will regret it
it’s pressure enough to look after an elderly person without complications if abusive behaviour
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Do Not move her in with you. Especially do not uproot to move to another state so that she can move in with you!
Why does your husband feel that it is his obligation to take care of her?

If he feels compelled to do this, (as many people do with their parents), why not let him go move in with her in her current home? You remain in your current home.
Make a plan to re-assess the situation and all the options in say, 6 months.
I guarantee you he will be ready to find an assisted living facility for her!

It's not even wise for him to attempt this, given his own health condition.

You can;
1) Do nothing, let her stay at home on her own, as long as she thinks she can live independently. When she fails, it will be time for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing.
2) Hire (with her money) a part time home health aid, as you suggested. It will be nearly impossible to find "the right person".
3) Have her help to pick out an assisted living facility. You may not be able to convince her to make such a move, and unless she is declared mentally incompetent, and you have POA to make decisions for her, she doesn't have to.

If your husband feels that he "needs to be there for her", suggest moving her to an independent apartment nearby, or an assisted living near to you.
But, talk to him. Do Not Move her in with you!
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Hothouseflower Sep 7, 2024
This is the best idea put forth. My husband took care of his developmentally disabled sister who lived in NYC for 8 years. I did not want to be her caregiver for the remainder of my life as his mother so wonderfully intended for me and her other daughter in law to be doing for the family, and so he split his time between NYC and the Bay Area for 8 years.

Not to say it was a great arrangement, but we did it. It is possible. Hiker could visit for a weekend a few times a year if she chooses.
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