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Do Not move her in with you. Especially do not uproot to move to another state so that she can move in with you!
Why does your husband feel that it is his obligation to take care of her?

If he feels compelled to do this, (as many people do with their parents), why not let him go move in with her in her current home? You remain in your current home.
Make a plan to re-assess the situation and all the options in say, 6 months.
I guarantee you he will be ready to find an assisted living facility for her!

It's not even wise for him to attempt this, given his own health condition.

You can;
1) Do nothing, let her stay at home on her own, as long as she thinks she can live independently. When she fails, it will be time for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing.
2) Hire (with her money) a part time home health aid, as you suggested. It will be nearly impossible to find "the right person".
3) Have her help to pick out an assisted living facility. You may not be able to convince her to make such a move, and unless she is declared mentally incompetent, and you have POA to make decisions for her, she doesn't have to.

If your husband feels that he "needs to be there for her", suggest moving her to an independent apartment nearby, or an assisted living near to you.
But, talk to him. Do Not Move her in with you!
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Hothouseflower Sep 7, 2024
This is the best idea put forth. My husband took care of his developmentally disabled sister who lived in NYC for 8 years. I did not want to be her caregiver for the remainder of my life as his mother so wonderfully intended for me and her other daughter in law to be doing for the family, and so he split his time between NYC and the Bay Area for 8 years.

Not to say it was a great arrangement, but we did it. It is possible. Hiker could visit for a weekend a few times a year if she chooses.
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You are describing my wife's condition. I have siimila= challenges. But it would destroy her to move to a home. She loves our home now for 27 years.

I am 93 years old and worry about when I will no longer be able to prepare all meals(coffee cakes informing, sandwich at lunch, salad and TV dinner). We hire help to take care of our dogs. Clean the kitchen, and fix things in the house and yard.

I try not to react when she gets aggressive and nasty. She does not remember anything for more than minutes

Maybe you c ould just have a thick skin tolerate the problems, and hire help for daily living, not to take care of her.
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mgal55 Sep 10, 2024
My mom was the same. Wanted to stay in her home. But reality was - she could not. She is now in a memory care facility being taken care of very well. She sometimes asks to go "home", but when you show her pictures of her old home (lived there for 54 years), she doesn't recognize it. We took her to her childhood home, she doesn't recognize it. My father passed 3 months after they moved to the AL portion of the facility. We and the staff are very thankful that we moved her before my dad passed. It gave her a chance to get comfortable with the facility and the staff while she still had her husband with her to help her acclimate.
I would recommend seriously considering moving to an AL sooner rather than later - you can move with your wife and help her adjust. Then you can have peace of mind that when needed, your wife will be well cared for.
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Big Mistake. Dont have her move in with you. There currently is a thread of a SIL who let FIL move in with him and his wife and its hell

She needs assisted living.
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You’re right, it would be crazy to consider it. She’s only going to get worse. As you get older you’ll want to have the support of your daughters. So many people here have come to regret taking in an elderly parent, aunt etc. And it’s even worse when they are abusive to the caregiver. Look into AL facilities. If money is a problem, contact the Area Agency on Aging. Good luck!
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I ache for you - and your husband.
She sounds like a narcissistic personality (never enough and me, me, and me).
If I were you, I'd put my foot down with hubby.

Pouring your $ into her ... buying a SUITE is a huge red flag to me (a flag that could cover an entire house). DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

From my point of view:
- your husband needs to understand what is motiviating him ... decades of an abusive mother (w a narcissistic personality disorder - or worse/ other? Guilt ... whatever is 'running him,' he needs help in figuring it all out - before he makes a decision to buy his queen bee mother a suite.

HE isn't considering that no matter what he buys her, she won't be happy. She'll find something WRONG with it ... with anything and everything.
And then what?

Let her throw her fits ...
Let her refuse.
Let her make her own decisions.
As I see this situation, the person(s) that will suffer are YOU and YOUR husband. Not his 'entitled' mother who'll never be content - and/or appreciative of anything. Your husband needs to understand that SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY to change or 'be' any different.'

Sure, she'll have difficulty with a caregiver. No one will be 'good enough' for her and she wants what she wants when she wants it. Mostly, she wants to rule the roost and perhaps continue to have her son 'wrapped around' her finger' ... and causing him continual grief. He may not know the severity of how his brain has been 'altered' by having a mother interact with him as she has - perhaps all of his life.

Yes, perhaps I am jumping to major conclusions here (i.e., narcissistic personality disorder - or GOD forbid ... worse and other) although until he is open to understanding the situation - her responses / feelings (and why) and his own, he will / may continue to be manipulated by her.

And you are the one who suffers, too. These are your financial resources.
He needs to consider his health - and yours.
And strongly consider the quality of life he wants FOR THE BOTH OF YOU... he needs to put you/r life together first.

Mother will b-tch and scream and so be it. She'll never be content with anything. Period. He needs to understand this.

Gena / Touch Matters
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I feel for your situation. My family and I had accepted a job offer in a new state last year, with a couple months leeway prior to making the actual move so our kids could complete the school year. In the midst of this planned move, we learned of his father's health crisis ( malnourished and hospitalized and metastatic prostate cancer). At the time, he lived alone, in a 3000 sf multi level home, and unbeknownst to us, hadn't left the den on the first floor in over 2 weeks. We learned of his dire situation during a wellness check after he hadn't returned our calls one day. We got him medical attention, family swooped in to help, and in the end, we all decided with him, to have him move with us for a few reasons. 1- we could look after him and make sure he eats, 2- he could have an accessible bedroom/bathroom/first floor accommodation ( we purchased our house with him in mind) 3- MD Anderson is located here, and he'd get better care.

It's been okay. We're one year in, and he is mostly independent, like having a roommate that eats meals with us, and I shop for. What we did NOT take into account, mostly because of the dire situation at the time of our move, was that he may not be happy here. He was uprooted from his routine back "home" and now lives in a state where he doesn't know anyone but his family, and doesn't care for the weather or people here. This has lead to feelings of depression and angst on his end, and we're now feeling like he is giving up on wanting to live.

This is a HUGE decision, and I will be the first to admit, we made the decision in haste, feeling like there were no other options, and although he has had another year of life because of our intervention, I'm not sure he is any better off mentally than he was before.
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Hiker75 Sep 12, 2024
You're right. She wouldn't be happy in a new state. She is right where she needs to be just needs more support when her other son needs a break. I think AL is in the forseeable future. She really likes to converse so home health caregiver would be nice. She got along with one, but she had a car accident. She is quite nice most of the time. It's getting her to do what she needs to do and refuses to do that is difficult. And she is very bossy about certain things. Maybe you can help your dad make some friends there as he recovers.
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Hi Hiker - your last sentence is all that's pertinent - given everything you mentioned, Assisted Living is actually the ONLY wise choice!

Anything otherwise would only be a prelude to going down a rabbit-hole of continuous and endless responsibilities, angst and aggregation - and you'll never satisfy her - Save yourself!

Besides, Assisted Living would open up a new life for your MIL in a good way - she'll meet people, have access to doctors and care - activities, dining room meals, etc.
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Usually, it is advisable to move the person who needs help to the one providing help - not the other way around. Not only would you lose contact with other family members, but also friends, potentially a faith community, and all your medical support (thinking about that heart attack).

It would probably be better to move MIL closer to you. Think carefully before you move her into an in-law suite on your property. She is difficult and will most likely require a team of providers so nobody gets burnt out. Another option is ALF or SNF depending on the level of care she needs daily. Research assisted living facilities and skilled nursing facilities near you to get a better idea of what she qualifies for and the cost.

In the meantime, she is probably experiencing anxiety and agitation whenever she has to deal with helpers and tasks. She probably would benefit from medication to help her relax and allow others to help her. The tricky part will be getting somebody making her take her medications consistently. A caregiver that is kind but firm with thick skin is your best bet for assistance right now.
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