My MIL's (who has dementia) negative talk is always regarding how she doesn't belong in AL and needs to get out. Any suggestions?

Perhaps ask her to be more specific. Where is she going to live? Who will buy, deliver and cook her food? Who will make her bed, and wash all her washing. Who will do what if she feels unwell? Etc etc. Ask he to write it all down, and then you will look at it.

I think "I'm sorry" can cover it.

Listen then Distract: Give full empathy to her first vent. Add your "I am sorry.. that is the case, you are here, this it happening for you" etc.

If she feels heard, maybe this can work? (I dunno... dementia can keep up a constant loop..)

Then move the conversation on - with words, visual or tactile distractions - whatever you have brought eg photos, flowers.

Take over: Each time MIL circles back, look her in the eye & say, we've talked about that, now let's talk about something different.

Seems a bit bossy.. but worth a go?

Or the Counsellor approach: Yes I hear you. What are YOU going to do about that?

Probably get a blank look..

I think the pressure comes when we fall into that pattern of 'I have to smooth it over / fix the problem / make someone feel better'. When we let go of that - let go of this being our problem to solve, it's a little easier.

Like if my LO said I really want out of this cold old town, I need a new house somewhere sunny & tropical! I have zero obligation to make that happen. Just curiousity: Sounds great! How will you do it?

Sometimes you just walk away. Our LO in memory care does the same. Every visit is about going home because she shouldn't be in memory care. She has even convinced some of her church friends that she should be released and make plans with her each visit to break out -- not happening! In a nutshell, walk away and try again another day.

Being medicated can help.

She's right -- she belongs in memory care.

She has dementia. We will never make them happy or able to have the insight into why they are there. Stay only as long as you can tolerate the chatter. Then leave. Our job is to make them safe nothing more…..try changing subject…if that does not work..leave..

So no more “I’m sorry” it’s not working anyway. Alternate between putting it off on the doctor, saying you’ll check on it, and saying you’ll see her later. Just no getting caught in conversations that’ll frustrate you both and go nowhere. I wish you peace

I agree with Fawnby and it's a strategy we use with my MIL who is bedridden in LTC. Every quarterly care meeting she starts in on when she can "get out" or "go home". We never bother to remind her she no longer has a home, instead we tell her the doctor will consider discharge when you can do all your ALDs so that you can live completely on your own without help, including walking. Then she insists she can walk and we say "great! Can we see?" and then she can't and she at least isn't mad at us but at "the doctor".

If your Mother's negativity is in the afternoons mostly it is called Sundowning, a common feature of dementia. Try visiting her right after breakfast, or when visiting take her to an activity in the facility and then excuse yourself to leave before taking her back to her room where she will start fixating about leaving. It's hard. Everything about dementia is hard. May you receive peace in your heart!

“0f course you should be able to live elsewhere, but doctor insists that this is best for you right now.” “I’ll be happy to look into it, we’ll see.” Then leave. Or don’t go at all for a while. They tend to get caught up in loops and can’t shake loose from whatever idea they have. Next month she may be focused on something else and have forgotten about getting out. Don’t take what she says too seriously. Her brain is different now.