My mom has Alzheimer’s, 89 years old.

Thank you for your responses. I actually contribute a lot living out of town. Order groceries, figure out the meals for the week, pay the bills, manage and hire the caregivers, take care of medication ordering, take care of all the doctor’s appointments. When I visit. I take her to all of her appointments. She has always been the victim. It’s always someone else’s fault, never her own. She’s never been happy, always been on depression medication, she blames my dad for all of that. Now she blames her unhappiness on me because I’m not there. She can’t remember if she ate breakfast, but she can remember being mad at me because I moved. Telling me she will never forgive me for leaving her and taking her grandchildren away from her. She tells me she is mad at me every day and that she will never get over it. She never has given me credit for all I have done for her, it’s what I haven’t done. I believe she likes to tell me all of this to hurt me because she is hurt. She’s unhappy with me not being there and wants to make me unhappy. I will seek some counseling, because I’m a great daughter who calls her every single day. I treat her like a queen, caring and loving despite the bad mood. Thank you for listening.

I am sorry that you personally are paying for a Caregiver (Is that what you meant?) who comes 3x a week. Your mother's resources should be used for her personal care, but I think if paying for 3x a week help makes YOU feel less guilty: I will have to think about that one. The brother who is understandably the favorite who moved in with Mom to take care of her: You and older brother could do some nice things for him, and it would be appreciated by him. Caregiver brother has a hard row to plough, and words of appreciation or $$$ for respite care for your mother so he might do independent things: I feel sure would be appreciated. Your mother's brain is broken. If her behavior and words are wounding you terribly, you might seek some counseling in order to understand ways to deflect her hurtful verbal attacks, some techniques that would help you take all the verbiage in stride, rather than being so emotionally upset about your mother wanting YOU as caregiver.

One way to stop thinking that you are obligated to do everything for your mom is to ask yourself, ‘Would I feel this way if it were anyone else besides my mother?’

Chances are that you wouldn’t go above and beyond for anyone else.

So, if you were to look at this situation more objectively, you might realize that you don’t have to jump through hoops, just because this is your mom.

Learn what your limitations are and respond accordingly.

As you see, your not the only one. And believe me, there are more.

If you can afford to pay an aid to come 3x a week, I would continue it. This is your contribution because you live out of State. Stop allowing her to guilt you. Really, if you were to take care of her, your life would be h**l. Brother would always be the favorite. Just ignore her comments. When she gets started, say you need to hang up. You do not have to take the abuse. Chalk it all up to the ALZ and the antiquated thought that girls take care of parents. Believe me, I was not a Caregiver. Loved Mom to death but I could not deal with the unpredictability of Dementia. Mom was placed in an AL and acclimated well to it.

You could stop talking to her so often. Don’t subject yourself to harsh treatment! Do what you have to do for her, but keep contact brief and talk about generalized topics rather than personal. Don’t give her openings to control the conversation.

You be the one in charge! Good luck.

I moved away as you did for my husband’s job .
My parents followed us so I could take care of them . My mother still complained constantly how she “ had to move “ because I did .
I had 4 other siblings but I was the one she chose to take care of them .

Consider yourself lucky that Mom did not follow you .

I hope you aren’t paying for Mom’s caregiver that comes 3X a week. You state “ I have a caregiver comes 3 days a week “. Mom’s care should come out of her own funds if possible. Don’t use your money to pay out of guilt .

You did not make your mother old , it’s not your fault she needs help .
With dementia they often feel that you aren’t doing enough anyway no matter how much you do , because they are not aware of reality of their situation .

You posted this under Alzheimer's & Dementia, and that kind of says it all. If you fill our your profile it will help us to know even more about the basics you are dealing with, and help us answer you better.

I often joke on here that the best place for grown children is 1,000 miles away from their parents. I hope you are that far at least. I am 81. My daughter, 62 lives two states away. It would shatter me to see her give up some of the most free years of her life, having worked a career and raised her son until he can fly the nest, simply to throw herself onto the burning funeral pyre of an aging Mom. I would do everything in my power to prevent that. But, you see, I don't (yet) have a broken brain.

Those with dementia may say a whole range of things that don't make sense. It's up to you as an adult to understand a bit about the disease you are dealing with so that you don't "absorb" some of the nonsense you will have to hear. Then, too, your mom may be just "that kind of gal". She may expect more of you than she should.

I don't know if you speak a whole lot with the caregiver child, her son, but my guess is mom is a bit of a "piece of work" with him as well. She likely does a bit of playing one child off the other.

So you have our sympathy; know that. But I will also tell you to approach all of this with a bit of a sense of humor. And thank your lucky stars that you aren't the direct hands on caregiver of your Mom. We are born to the person we are born to. That person will have limitations. We are responsible as adults to fill our worlds with quality people we appreciate, who appreciate us. And on we go.

I wish you the very best.

I posted earlier. I want to add that I understand how in most cases, people don’t switch necessary gears easily.

They have been programmed by their parents for years and years. Living in a dysfunctional way can seem normal when it becomes habitual. Your frame of reference is off base.

Learn how to recognize your behavior. Then, make healthy modifications, so that you can function efficiently and peacefully.

Equally as important, is that your actions show others what is expected from you.

One of our long time posters educated me about FOG. Fear obligation and guilt. Look it up and see if this looks familiar to you.

If she was like this all her life, why even talk to her? If AD has made her like this, why believe it? Dementia breaks people's brains and they say all sorts of nonsense. Just because it comes out of their mouth doesn't mean any of it is true.

You tell her that making your spouse a priority was and still is the right thing to do. Did she live with her Mom and take care of her into her late 90s? I'll bet not.

No one can force you to feel guilty so stop accepting what she's saying. When you call her, the minute she starts in on this topic, try to redirect the conversation. If she continues to return to it, tell her you don't agree and hang up. When my Mom does this to me I literally walk out of her house. You reinforce it if you listen to it. You shouldn't feel guilt since you've done nothing wrong.

27 years is a lot of years to hold something like that over your head.
This is the dementia not your mom talking.
If you told your m om 30 years ago that you would move to support your husband and his job and it would be better for you and your family would she hold you back form doing what is best for you and your family? I doubt it.
30 years ago if you asked mom who her "favorite" was she would come up with all sorts of answers placing each one of her children as a "favorite" for one reason or another. No mom would actually voice a "favorite". with the dementia I can't even say she is saying this to make you feel bad.
He is a "favorite" because he is there all the time, he is her "safe person" , the one that she can count on to be there when she gets frightened, when she does not know what to order at the restaurant, when she does not know where the spoons are.
She can't make you feel guilty unless you let her.
Stop letting her live in your head.
Stop talking to her everyday.

(why are you paying for a caregiver 3 days a week? Mom should be paying for that from her assets. )

By the way if you check to see if mom would qualify for Hospice a CNA would come 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and order supplies. A Nurse would come at least 1 time a week to check on her and order medications and all the supplies and equipment that is needed would be delivered. And your brother could ask for a Volunteer that could come sit with mom so he could get out and get some "me" time.

Hi Barbradoll, yes yes and yes, many of us have been or are going through this.

My mom pretty much disowned me for ten years then she needed help. So of course, I was there because that's what I was groomed to do.

I'll tell you this if you do it hopping your mom will see the light, that she was wrong to say the thing she said to you, wrong that you chose to live your life and she shouldn't of been angry with you for doing that. You most likely won't get it!

So live your life , don't break your bank either for your mom , if your paying for caregiving.

Know that you did the best you could do, with what you were given. You where given a controlling manipulative mom.

Best of luck to you, we are always here, and many of us have been in your boat. Some of us have let that boat sink, so learn from are mistakes

Ignore it - My Mom tried pulling that on me my whole life - it gets Old . She never wanted me to Live my own Life and wanted me to be Near by on Cape cod so she could see my son - Very selfish woman . In the end I did take care of her the Last 9 Months - But actually my whole Life. This is your Life not her life so carry on .

Someone can only make you feel guilty if you allow them to. So quit allowing your mom to make you feel that way.
Your moms brain is now broken, so you all must take what she says with a grain of salt.
Be grateful that you now live in another state where you only have to put up with her nonsense if and when you want to. And if it were me, that would be very few and far between.
Please remember that you don't owe your mom anything, and it's up to you as to what you are willing to do or not do. You do have the final say, and you should do what is best for you and your mental health.

Have you seen that film Benjamin Buttons? A strange twist on the cycle of life. From dependant infant to semi-independant child, independant adult, & back to dependant again in senility.

'You left me. Don't leave me. Stay with me'. If a tearful 2 or 3 yr old said these things it makes sence, right? They know they need a parent.
Kinda the same... but different.
*Separation Anxiety*

Mother is becoming more & more dependant on her caregivers. She may or may not know it. May cling to known people ie brother & you. May unleash her anger on 'safe' people she knows can take it ie you. May lose perspective & reason.

Just as you have to let a young child think what they think & experience their emotions, I guess your Mother can think whatever she thinks & feel however she feels...

You do not have to listen to it though.

Moms always expect daughters to do everything for them. I was my mother’s primary caregiver for years and years. She never expected her sons to do anything.

After caring for mom in my home for 14 years I desperately needed a break.

My brother took on the responsibility of caring for mom in his home and she got used to him being her caregiver.

Mom realized that I was worn out from many years of caregiving and actually said that she wished that I hadn’t devoted so many years caring for her.

I appreciated Mom acknowledging how hard that it was for me to continuously care for her.

I’m sorry that your mom is laying a guilt trip on you. You don’t deserve to hear that.

I would tell your mom that you don’t want to hear it anymore. It may go in one ear and out the other. You will have to cut the conversation short if she is being disrespectful and working on your nerves.

Wishing you all the best.

Your mother has the disease of Alzheimer's so she's bound to say hurtful and ugly things to you, especially if she was hurtful and ugly BEFORE AD set in. My mother had vascular dementia and said some of the most vile and awful things to me.....I actually think that once her filter evaporated, the truth came out. She never was very happy with the daughter she got stuck with, me, and as the dementia advanced, she vocalized it. I wasn't so thrilled with her, either, to be honest, so we always had a strained relationship as a result.

She lived in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living when the dementia got bad. When the ugliness got bad, I'd tell her I was leaving, or hanging up the phone, and I'd tell her why too. That I didn't appreciate her ugly words and would call or see her at another time when she was in a better mood.

Cut down your exposure to the toxic fumes, that's my suggestion. Let the Golden Child brother handle mother, and don't pay for caregivers out of YOUR pocket. Mother can pay for it herself. Call less frequently and let her know where your DH goes, you and your children follow. Period. That's how the cookie crumbles, mother. Don't accept the guilt card she's offering you, you've done nothing wrong. Just because she feels it's your "place" in life to care for her because you were born female, that doesnt make it a foregone conclusion. Its 2024 mother, not 1904.

Best of luck not buying the load of crap your mother is peddling.