I have another sister who needs to take her turn in taking care of our Mother. My mental health is at stake and I need her to take care of her for at least just a month, just so I can recover. She lives in CA. I am in Nevada. Can APs step in to help me work something out with my sister who lives in CA? She’s a difficult person to deal with. Can Aps help mediate to make her understand that she has a duty to care for our Mother too and that we should split months on taking care of her? No judgement pls. I am emotionally exhausted, caring for someone with Alzheimer’s 24/7 is not easy.
Sadly you were the one who chose to take on this very difficult burden, while your sister knew better not to, and now you are mad at her because she's living and enjoying her life while you're stuck in this emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting job of caring for your mother.
And if you are not careful you will end up being in the sad statistic of 40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia, dying before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. I know you don't want that.
So now it's time to be looking into getting your mother placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and you can get back to just being your mothers daughter and advocate, instead of her overwhelmed and burned out caregiver.
It will be a win win for all involved.
And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for your mother.
I wish you well in taking your life back and getting your mother in the right facility.
Your sister is not willing to share in the caregiving for your mother with Alzheimer's and she does not have to. You don't have to either. There are other options than you doing it or trying to force your sister to.
Live-in homecare, placement in memory care, or having the court appoint a conservator/guardian for your mother who will be legally responsible for her life are all options for your situation. Trying to get APS or some other government entity to force your sister to take on caregiving is not as option.
If your sister expects an inheritance from your mother at some point let her know in plain terms that there will not be any if mom gets placed in a care facility. Sometimes this is a motivator to get siblings to take some of the caregiving on. Other times the siblings agree to forgo any potential inhetitance and put the parent into care.
Start looking at memory care facilities for your mother if you're getting burned out and no family is willing to take some of the burden off of you.
Does your sister have a spouse? Children? Is she retired so that even if she agreed to come it wouldn't be a financial or familial burden on her? Have you thought about paying her with your Mom's funds to come and give you a break? Even if she would do this, she's got no experience managing a person with dementia and it could all fall apart within days.
Maybe offer to pay her to give you a break first for a few days where you are there and can teach her. As the days progress you can leave them alone for longer periods of time so make sure all goes well. Then your sister can see if she feels comfortable doing it. In the future, you can have her come for longer periods of time. Coming for a month cold turkey is 1) unappealing and 2) risky. Does your Mom have the funds to pay for her airfare and whatever food she'd eat? Will she have use of a car? Is your home someplace that would be comfortable for someone to stay at for such a long period of time?
You say your sister is a difficult person to deal with, yet you have an expectation that she would upend her life to do something totally unfamiliar and unappealing to most people. Did she even have a good relationship with your Mom? You seem to keep expecting your sister to be someone she isn't, never was and probably never will be.
I 100% understand your exhaustion and desperation. You can also consider Care.com to find aids, or an agency. It would be very helpful if you provided more information so we could give you more specific suggestions.
I wish you success in getting a break, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you think about a long-term care solution for your Mom so that you can have your life back.
APS cannot step in to force your sister to take responsibility for your mother. APS only steps in when a vulnerable senior is in a position where they are dangerous to themselves and/or others AND in many cases where there is no one to take care of them (or they are refusing to let someone help).
In this forum you are surrounded by caregivers. We recognize that what you are choosing to do is not an easy path. Many of us have done it ourselves. But there comes a point where you have to put yourself first and decide to find alternative options. Sometimes there is family that can step in. But more often than not- if other family was going to step in and help - they would have already done so. And trying to force them or guilt them is unfair and not likely going to happen. It's a waste of your energy.
A better use of your energy is to find a managed care facility where your mother gets 24/7 care and you get your life back.
A "duty" is a moral or legal obligation. A task or action that a person is required to perform. Your sister does not have a "duty" to care for your mother. You don't have a "duty" to provide care for your mother. As a parent with young adult daughters still living at home - we have made arrangements for them to stay here as they find their way in life and get on their feet after college. But we do that out of love and we CHOOSE to do that. We no longer have a duty of care for our children as they are adults.
Conversely, when we get to the point where we can no longer take care of ourselves, our daughters do not OWE us care. We are saving and planning for our care. If they choose to do so - for any amount of time- they would be going above and beyond out of love - not because they owe us care. We plan for our care so that our children will be able to continue to live their lives and just be our daughters - not responsible for our hands on care.
You are going to have to change your mindset - and that's hard. A task you have chosen to do is getting to the point where it is unmanageable. You have been the solution. But now you are aware that you cannot walk this path any longer. So look for your real options - not the "easy" options.
I will assume she has little cash to pay aides, so in this situation you either decide it is worth it to continue, or you tell aps you won’t be coming out anymore and request the state of California take over guardianship, meaning they sell her home, or if you’re poa, you can sell it so mom at least can go to an mc.
I wouldn't want my mom being taking care of by anyone that doesn't want to, or can't . Resentments and passive aggressive, neglect or anger could happen.
You could call your sister explain to her ,that you are at the end of your rope, and ask if there is any way she can help. If you get a negative response I would just leave it.
With that being said you need to find another way to get a break. It might be time to think about a facility, or day care, or caregivers .
Facts: Your Mother has Alzheimer's Disease. A progressive disease.
It will never be any easier than now. More & more help will be needed as her independance declines.
Thoughts:
"I have another sister who needs to take her turn in taking care of our Mother".
This thought is harmful to you. Causes resentment & anger. Could be harmful to your relationship with your sister make it worse).
Be harmful to Mother too.
Some people get stuck at thoughts of *family must help* or *only family can help*. These thoughts can PREVENT people from seeking OTHER help. Can make families ignore other solutuons. Can even leave some caregivers as a solo 'Lone Ranger' caregiver - who gives their all until they collapse with fatigue, depression or their own serious health event.
Dementia takes a village of helpers.
If your sister is not one of the 'village helpers' then your Mother needs OTHER helpers instead.
My advice would be to try to accept you cannot save Mom from this awful disease. Be a part of this journey with her. Help to arrange the care she needs.
Warring with your sister will not accomplish a better care plan for Mom. You are angry. Yes. But who or what are you really angry at?
The universe for letting your Mom get Alz? DO be angry at that!!
Then use your anger energy to CHANGE what YOU are doing.
Thoughts?
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