My mom has dementia, she doesn’t want to admit it. My husband and I are moving closer and our teen son is angry, calling us selfish. Am I?

How about we reframe the question in two ways first? First, let's remove the accusatory "selfish" part. That way you can listen to comments without feeling that everyone who writes about the reasons not to move is attacking you. The real question is "I have children and an aging parent, how do I fulfill my obligations to both?" Second, ask the move or not move question as a question instead of seeking affirmation for moving. Because I think you are in an imperfect situation now and believe that you have found a personally and socially acceptable escape hatch. OMG, sister, I feel you, but you are hopping out of the frying pan and into a blazing fire. The very first thing you need to do is to let go of the desperate hope that moving will fix what ails you and your family and give you purpose as your mom's caregiver - or at least provide an avenue of escape. If you move with that belief, reality will destroy you. I say this with a deep understanding of the thought process and a lot of compassion. But you are on the edge of a mental health cliff, and I so want you to step back. Talk to a therapist.

It would not be a move to more support. Your brother and sister have already established lives there, most likely have children, are caring for your mom, and will not be taking on your troubled family as a project. No doubt they love you, but it's wishful thinking to believe that your family will get the level of attention you would need from people who are already raising families, working, and doing eldercare. Your move would likely create more work for them than help. Give up the halcyon dream of snuggling into sibling support if you move. Even the most extraordinary families couldn't live up to it.

And you know what? You would still be you if you moved. Still with mental health issues, an angry teen, younger children, and a shaky marriage. That's if the whole marriage doesn't implode because you want to move - the best move scenario is that you move all your current problems to a new city and add a whole new group of stresses to the situation.

Sit down with your therapist and don't talk about moving, talk about your family. Figure out what works best for the people you have primary responsibility for - your children. Get a handle on your mental health - meds, therapy, whatever. Do you have a job? Some financial independence can go a long way for mental health. Get all your kids into counseling if at all possible. Your husband as well. If he is violent, get with the local domestic violence people and figure out how to end the marriage. Solve the life you have instead of trying to move away from it.

Talk to your sister and brother (and mom) often about the day-to-day stuff that's happening there. Pay a lot of attention to her by phone and by mail. There are quite a few things you can help with from a distance, like paying your mom's bills electronically, keeping track of her insurance claims, handling your mom's grocery orders, etc. If she eventually accepts more in-home help, offer one-week respite visits to your siblings. You have no idea how much that helps. One thing I've learned after looking after three elders: you have no idea, really NO idea, how this situation will develop. She may need in-home help for years, or she may need to go into a memory care facility within a few months. Or she could pass away from something unrelated and unexpected, or be incapacitated by it, and end up needing to be in a nursing home.

You sound desperate and unhappy and I hope you don't take this as criticism. I only wish you well.

Having raised four children to adulthood and moving multiple times, I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t move a kid in high school. It’s a cruel time and age to uproot them. And your children take priority until they’re grown

NightHeron,

This is in response to your comment to me.

Yes, I believe everything that I've said was totally necessary. I did not say any if it with malicious intent or to try and be harsh to the poster.
Her teenage son did not create the tough situation the poster finds herself in. He is not the reason why his grandparents became elderly and needy. Nor is he responsible in any way for the toxic marriage his parents have created and choose to live in.
All this being said, I'll call a spade a spade and say it is selfish and unfair as all hell to make this kid pay the price for his parents' life choices. He should not have his whole life disrupted because his mother wants to be closer to her parents. It sounds to me like what mom really wants is a divorce from dad and will need a place to live. This is where the 'caregiving' for the elderly grandparents comes in.
Best to leave the kid with his father and not ruin his life in order to change her own. The kids come first, not the grandparents. That is the natural order of things.

I think you are making a big mistake to have your mother move in with you. She's going to need full time care either in home care or help in a good facility and I mean she will need help with bathing, dressing, and every little task around the clock. Her dementia is likely to worsen over time. I think your remark about your son being such an angry guy is just terrible, and it sounds like he should be getting more emotional support from you than you're giving him. I would NOT move your mother into your home at all. Plus, your son deserves to grow in a healthy environment and have his own life with friends and activities outside of your home.

We were transferred to another state when our two youngest were in high school. The older of the two was an incoming junior, and our youngest was an incoming freshman. We were moving closer to our families, and it was a good thing, as unbeknownst to me, my mother would begin to fail about two years later.

I would never, ever do it again.

I implore you to listen to your son. He is your top priority, not your parents. Your sacrifice to care for your parents is not his sacrifice, nor should it be. Tearing him away from his friends and school is not a good idea, and he cannot tell you that more bluntly. As he has troubles already, don't make it worse for him.

You can model caring for family by ensuring your parents are cared for and visiting whenever possible, but you should not return to the role of obedient child while abdicating the role of parent. At the very least, wait until your son is out of school before relocating. By assuming your showing him about caring for family, you're doing exactly the opposite by showing him you don't care about him. (That's how he sees it, and I completely get it.)

We didn't have a choice in our move -- it was my husband's employer who moved us, and my husband didn't have an option for other employment in his field where we were. However, I think he would have sacrificed his 30+ year career in order to not do to our boys what we did. Please don't make the same mistake.

EDIT: Your marriage is a mess, too?? So you're possibly subjecting your children to a life-changing move AND a crumbling family life? What are you thinking??

So U have 4 children, ages 7, 10,13, 16, right? 4 minor children.
As they are all minors, you as their mother have a PRIMARY LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY to your children.

It sounds like your husband is not 101% on moving.
If your husband does NOT want to move, he does NOT have to.
If hubs doesn’t want to leave his job & benefits, he does not have to.
If he wants himself & 4 minor kids to stay in martial home, where all currently live & all enrolled in schools & part of their community, he can petition the court for that to be ordered till a divorce is finalized.

You can file for divorce, but I so doubt a judge will ever make a father of 4 sell or move out of a home with 4 minors living there. If hubs can afford on his income the house note & costs, imo He & the kids r staying put. You wanna move 8 hrs away & file for divorce, go ahead. Most likely you will have to do a settlement to have him buy out your equity share of the home, & maybe have it work within child support you will be ordered to have to pay.

Hubs - if he has real pit bully divorce atty - can make the situation so onerous for your fulfillment of divorce agreement that you end up relinquishing parental rights or have it so costly & difficult that you end up living debt & regret rest of your life. You’re not leaving bc he’s an addict & cooking meth; you’re leaving to caregive your mom. Hubs will be portrayed as a good case for fathers rights overrride that of a mother. & you’ll be portrayed as a mother who is abandoning her young family to caregiving for 70 yr old mom & who already has a son, DIL & another daughter as her support system.
Really good divorce attorneys when they doing contentious cases are all about minutiae of details required in a short timeframe. Often not all about $ but more that the other is unfit. If you don’t get paperwork or documentation in & on time, you’re unfit. If your late, unfit. They’ll haul you out in front of a judge regularly, if unprepared or a no shows, unfit. His Divorce attorney will have a field day with you as your going to be distracted with being a caregiver.

If you leave, kids are not required to go with you. The 16 yr old has influence over his siblings on not going. Hubs atty can get a report done on situation at your parents home- if the plan is moving yourself & the kids in - to show that it would be a detriment to kids to live there. A good divorce atty will use noncomparable conditions. Like old school is 5 star, new is 3 so u need to send them to private school. Like if 4 kids ea have their own BR now with same sex Jack&Jill bathroom between them, then you will be likely required to have the same wherever you move to. Your parents home would needs to have 6 bedrooms, 3 baths to be “comparable”. Even if you do not have full time custody, but just wkend or seasonal custody. The “comparable” are why so often divorced take kids to a hotel or resort as it gets around the comparable housing issues.

I cannot tell if 8 hrs away is a in a other state. If it is, taking minors out of state can have a lot of requirements attached. Travel costs on you.

Your 16 yr old is old enough to do testimony in a hearing. He can tell the judge he doesn’t want to move and why. If anything he considers inappropriate has happened to him by you in the past or occurs in the future to him or his siblings - like on visitation weekends or summer or Holidays - he can on his own file a report with CPS / child protective services. Like if you make the kids help feed grandma or give her any medications or you put him in charge of overseeing his 3 younger siblings because your busy caregiving your mom. Again, unfit.

That you’re unhappy is obvious.
Leaving to caregive a mom w dementia isn’t going to make you happy.
Personally I’d make martial counseling btw you & hubs & family counseling btw you, hubs & the tweens be the priorities. You have another 15 yrs or so of child raising still to go.

The 4 minor children need to be the focus, imo.

Yes. He is right and you are being selfish. Your son should not have to have his entire life uprooted and be taken out of his town, school, and away from his friends and life because you want to live closer to mom and dad.
I'm not trying to sound harsh here but your son will not thank you for teaching him the value of caring for family. What he will do is resent you for forcing him to pay the price for your choices.
If your brother and sister are local you don't have to move closer to your parents. The three of you need to get together and make a care plan for your parents. This means homecare if that is appropriate for them or an assisted living facility if needs must.
All of this can be worked out with you and your siblings.
None of it has anything to do with your teenage son and he should not have to pay the price for what you want.

He's a teenager who feels he is being ignored. He also feels you are taking him from everything he knows to look after someone who in a year or two or less won't know who any of your are and who will need to be in a facility.
Sit down and have an adult conversation with him on the situation and how he thinks it should be handled - your responsibility is to your son. We cannot put the older generation before the younger - they have their lives to live based on our decisions.

DO NOT MOVE! - Your child comes first! Your mom already has people nearby and you can visit her whenever you want.

I have a big problem with your last remark: "He's such an angry guy anyway" - Maybe you should focus on the cause of his anger and find a way to give him more emotional support.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're wanting the easy way out.

I saw one poster say what I am thinking. You have a toxic marriage and you are looking for a way out. You will need a place to live with your 4 kids and moving by your family under the guise of 'helping' is a win-win in your eyes.

There are so many red flags with this plan. Your family is not going to have time to help you get through your divorce because they are already busy dealing with your parents and they will expect you to pitch in. If you think you are stressed now, wait until you get there. Totally uprooted with at least one very angry child, no form of support, no place of your own to live, and now the responsibility of elderly parents. And as I pointed out before....will you be allowed to move 8 hours away? My ex did not want me moving more than 2 counties away so he could have visitation.

Your son is crying out to you that he feels invisible to you and that his feelings/opinions do not matter. Please listen to him. My father made me feel like my feelings and opinions did not matter ever. Everyone else was more important to him. I grew up resenting him. After my mom passed he expected me to 'take care of him' and I did (with boundaries of steel) but I resented every last second of it because of how I was treated as a kid. I was only important to him when he needed me and no one else was around. My father was not abusive, just really inconsiderate and self centered. It still left a lasting mark.

My suggestion to you is to lose the abusive ex and create your own life where you are now. Once you are in a good place, see what type of help you can offer your siblings. I really think your move was more about being around people who would support you against your ex and in that respect it was unfair to your son. I had terrible guilt about my divorce and the effect on my kids. They were only toddlers. I kept them in the same daycare which was alot more work for me, just so they wouldn't have to suffer for the lousy choices their father made. Your first responsibility is for the well being of your children.