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She stays in bed all day & night & only gets up to use the bedside toilet. For the last 2 years, she has gotten increasingly belligerent. Not constantly...but in bouts. Somedays she is great...but more days than not...whatever I try to do, whenever I try to do it...it's wrong. She berates me, accuses me of not caring that she is in pain...of hurting her if I even slightly brush a finger across her hand...of making her pull her diaper up...things like that. The toilet issue is the worst right now...she is getting over a UTI. I realize that this happens a lot to elderly women, especially if they wear adult diapers. I have bought perineal spray to help with that...but she just sprays it in the air...& fights me when I try to use it on her. I hate to say this....but she is lazy & really just doesn't WANT to put forth the effort to get them on. I have purchased her a little wand that would make it so easy...but she won't use it. She had knee surgery years ago & refused physical therapy because "it hurts". Well...yea, it WILL hurt...but if you move it, it will hurt less and less. She tried to get every therapist fired until they finally gave up. Now, I try to move her legs & she screams like I am killing her. Yet, when she doesn't know we are around, she will get up & go to the toilet without making a huge ordeal about it...but won't put another pull-up diaper on. She also pulls off the waterproof mat. SO then, of course, she gets on the bed & you guessed it...we have to change them again. I know I'm not the only person facing this...I guess I just needed to vent...& maybe get some advice on how to handle her. I love her with all my heart...but I am at my wits end.
Also, she absolutely refuses to brush her teeth. She will grit her teeth like a 3-year-old & fight us until we give up. Anyone else have this problem & figure out a solution?
Geez....I feel so guilty typing this... let me say, it hasn't been ALL bad. I love her...so much. I just wish she would stop pushing people away and allow herself to have a little joy. Once Daddy passed over 10 years ago...she basically lost all will to live. She says she doesn't want to be here anymore & that is so hard to hear. He would have wanted her to enjoy her life and move on. She has pushed my brother & sister-in-law away for years, they have tried to be a part of her life...but she feels she was "wronged" and won't forgive anyone for anything. She treats my sister like she does me...because my sister is more straight forward with her...whereas I am more of a doormat.
Gosh...I've rambled, so sorry, but if you've read this far & have any advice, I would be so grateful.

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You can’t keep going like this. She needs 24/7 care. It’s time for a facility,
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It sounds like your mother suffers from dementia and should not be left alone all day in bed while you and your husband work full time. Look into hiring in home help for her (on her dime, of course) while you work, or placing her in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing at this point. Behavioral issues such as you describe are indicative of dementia, especially the refusal to wear adult incontinence briefs and brushing her teeth. Belligerence, obstinance and being argumentative are all hallmarks of dementia. Has she been tested for cognitive decline? If not, she should be.

You have no reason to feel guilty for expressing concern over this behavior your mother is exhibiting. It's not feasible to have her living in your home and staying in bed all day, refusing PT or wearing incontinence briefs; it's not a reasonable long term solution anymore. Love sometimes requires that we make decisions based on our parents best interests, and not their childish demands.

Her treating you like a doormat no longer works for you, so other alternatives need to be explored. I'd get her to her PCP for a full medical evaluation and work up, first off, and go from there.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Hello, I am not a doctor, so I can not make a diagnosis, but I am a cna that has been in healthcare for a year. I’ve taken a few special classes In Alzheimer’s and dementia. And it sounds like she has some behaviors going on. I can understand your frustration and I can feel how burnt out you are. I think that maybe she requires more care than you can offer at this time. And it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her safety and health. I highly recommend seeking help immediately. I really hope you find the answers you are looking for. But, you are not alone! This happens a lot! Don’t make yourself feel bad for just trying to take care of her the best way you can.
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