My mom is angry at me for not telling her my dad is having a surgery in 3 months. Due to dementia, I was waiting. How can I gain her trust back?

It is your father's responsibility to tell his wife, not yours.

I wouldn't get all worked up over this, she will get over it, she has probably already forgotten the entire matter.

If you get upset with every little thing relating to a person with dementia you will drive yourself to an early grave. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

Well I guess count this as a lesson learned huh? You thought you were protecting your mom by not telling her, yet she had the wherewithal to go on her husbands doctors portal to only find out things for herself.
Her dementia obviously isn't that bad yet if she can figure out how to do that, so until it does get bad(and it will)just tell her what she needs to know and if she forgets well so be it.
So just be honest with her as to why you didn't want to worry her needlessly and apologize, and move forward from there.

I would have Dad change his password on the portal, then she cannot get in. He has right to keep his health information to himself. Even a wife has to be on HIPPA paperwork. Because of his deafness I really don't want my husband involved in my care without mt daughter present. He misses too much in conversations. It only takes one word to change the meaning of a sentence.

I would have done the same thing. Not told Mom until all the info was in. And yes, it was done because of her Dementia. Even if she had no Dementia, your Dad did not have to tell her till he was ready.

Sorry, you are the scapegoat it happens.

You could have told mom and run the risk of her freaking out. So you didn't tell her and she found out anyway and freaked out.

Here's the moral of the story: we all lose when dementia is running the show. No matter what we do, we're wrong.

It seems to me your parents need Assisted Living and you need to move back to your home full time. Trying to juggle the care and management of two sick parents is nearly impossible. I wound up having both of my parents placed in AL after dad broke his hip and it was THE best decision ever. Trying to be Superwoman rarely works out in the long run.

Dementia, as it progresses, wreaks havoc on everyone like you can't imagine. If it wasn't for the excellent care my mom got from "her girls" in Memory Care, I shudder to think how things would've played out.

Please take your own well being into consideration when you make decisions concerning your parents. Most of us are not qualified or equipped to nurse TWO elders thru such health issues at home, in reality.

Best of luck

Barb is right. Why didn't your Dad tell your mom?

I understand why you'd want to protect both of them. What you haven't grasped (yet) is that you need to protect yourself as well.

You don't have to give up your life for your parents. That's something that parents might want you to do, but you're a grownup with responsibilities of your own. You don't have to become a child to make them happy. You should lovingly make clear to both of them that some of their needs are to be met by themselves. One example: Dad being honest with mom. He wasn't, you went along with that, and now everyone suffers.

Call a family meeting with dad, mom, and you presiding. Everybody get it all out on the table - dad's cancer and upcoming surgery, your mother's treatment for dementia, and your needing help and relief from caregiving and drama. The meeting leads up to your insistence that they need in-home caregivers, if that is the wish, or facility care for one or both. Your leading of the discussion should be aimed toward consensus - not conflict.

If you don't get help and fall apart when their health conditions become worse, you're doing them no favor. Then it really is worse for them, and you've already brought up the questions about who would care for them and starting the process for in-home care.

They may be shocked, they may rant and rave, especially mom. But you clearly cannot handle all of this alone anymore. What you CAN do is take charge and be strong. It seems daunting, but lots of people have to do that, and you'll feel better once you stop deferring to their now diseased and distraught thought processes.

Wishing you luck in this sad situation.

It's Dad's place to tell Mom, not yours. You might point that out to her then tell her you'll wait for her apology.

Wow. I don't blame your Mom. She is well enough/with it enough to go on his Kaiser site? But here you are hiding this?
The best thing, in my humble opinion as an old retired RN, to know going into "this disease" is to maintain honesty and dignity as a prime imperitive. What could happen if she knew about the surgery? She could worry? Normal, right? She could cry? Normal, right? She could ask questions? Normal, right?
There is already going to be a level of paranoia with any demenia. Feed that paranoia and you create a raging beast.
I believe in honesty. Lose the trust and it is really difficult to regain.
So time to sit down with Mom and Dad, and to tell your Mom "I am so sorry. I used what I thought was good judgement not to burden you before things were all set up and ready; I was trying to spare you and instead I made things 10 times worse and may have lost your trust. I can only tell you that I won't do that again. I will be honest with you. It was a lesson to me. I hope you can forgive me. I hope I can regain your trust. I did something out of love, but I was wrong."
You cannot do anything about dementia. About how it progresses. About how your Mom will react. But if you are honest you will at least know that YOU aren't to blame for added pain. In this instance you are.
I am 80 and have no (that I know of, hee hee) dementia, but I would LOATHE being treated as a child, with my own child deciding for me what it was best I know or not know. Your Mom is experiencing loss upon loss upon loss with age. Now she is being treated like a helpless infant.
Therapeutic lies they call them. There is NOTHING therapeutic about a lie. Just my humble opinion.

Caring for our parents becomes complicated at times, doesn’t it? It isn’t always possible for us to see things objectively.

I took care of my parents too. I helped my father after his stroke and after he died I continued to care for my mother who had Parkinson’s disease and dementia.

Mom moved into our home and as you know it is challenging to share a home with our parents.

You are in an awkward position living with your parents. No one likes to be placed in the middle of other people.

Even though you are trying to help by being concerned about each of their desires, it is vitally important to start planning for their needs for future care from a complete staff.

If your parents were living in an assisted living facility you would be free from the daily responsibilities.

Stepping away will force your parents not to place you in the middle. They will learn to handle their situations with the help of others or figure it out for themselves.

Your mom most likely feels abandoned by you and your father. Your dad will have to decide what is best for each of them and act accordingly.

Give your mom a chance to process her feelings and I would think that in time she will understand that your intentions were not meant to hurt her.

You deserve to be home with your own family.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

If she can use the computer to look things up and understands what she is reading, I wouldn't keep things from her. You may have to repeat it down the road, but clearly she still has a higher level of comprehension.

If you're close enough, go there and talk to them both. You might try telling her there wasn't a date set up yet and both of you didn't want to worry her until appts were in place. Assure her that this won't happen again